Boundaries

To me, when my T and his consultant know a lot of information, like after I've disclosed some very personal information, I feel totally exposed, vulnerable. It makes me panic, I start mood swinging, I want to push them away somehow (building a wall, etc), and I start thinking in a paranoid-like manner. For example, I'll start thinking that they are talking about what I said and laughing at me, ridiculing me, talking about how worthless and what an idiot I am. Even though somewhere in my mind I know I'm just being paranoid, the thoughts are so entrenched I have yet been able to escape them. ((((Kiya)))))

Kiya,

(((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad you reconnected with T last night - and will have an appointment this week and next week! Whew.

We'll be here over the holidays for support

(((((((((((((Soli, Mouse, Earthmama))))))))))))

It's snowing @_@ PLEASE oh Please weather, let me get to my apnt tonight.

This sounds very simplistic to me. I am glad it works for some people! I do not like people talking about me behind my back, even under the guise of professional help. It should be up to the client/patient who knows what. The client should have the control to give the professionals permission to speak. I would find it infantilizing to have one professional share about a flashback I had with another, or share that I was having trouble sleeping or eating. I think it should be up to the adult client to share what's important with the professionals. Otherwise it can make the client too childlike, and take away responsibility to take care of one's own needs by deciding who to tell what. Also, with my professionals (legal, financial, mental health), they do all have permission to speak with one another. Once I was inadvertantly copied on a series of emails they were exchanging about me. They were saying all sorts of stuff that was not true and that I had not said or that they had misunderstood or misinterpreted. I hated reading what they were writing about me! It confirmed my worst fears. For myself, I feel that it is really better to talk to each person directly yourself so that they don't misunderstand/misinterpret what is going on with you. I know that goes against what some people here believe, but for myself, that is what I prefer. Kiya, I do not think you are out of line at all to want more control in your healing process. I think your professionals should get together and brainstorm with you about ways you all can interact that meet everyone's needs, not just theirs. Perhaps they could agree to communicate only by email with each other and copy you on all communications so that you would have the opportunity to correct whatever they might say that was erroneous. Or perhaps they could try eliminating the behind-the-scenes talk about you and see if it really affected your quality of care. If it didn't, then they could just give it up indefinitely. Just some ideas....

Sunrise, Oh how I wish I could.
These are all great suggestions. But t has been very clear that this is an "integrative" clinic and this is the only way they function... and that they will contine to function in this manner.
It really bites because it feels like "my way or the highway" - something else I was steeped in growing up.
But it is clear that if I cannot accoustom to it, I will have to leave or stop seeing some of my dr's here. It makes me very sad. I really like this T and my dear MD is now here too (mind they were talking even before she moved over). So for now, there is no good solution. I don't want to stop seeing MD or T, so I just have to deal with it and since i can't.... I am trying hard to ignore it (healthy, eh?).
I have done sme thinking about it - because T calls it "boundaries", which i still don't understand how her boundaries are absolute rules. But here's the thoughts I have been working with...
"There is more trust if boundaries are in place, even though boundaries feel sometimes like hard fast rules, and sometimes like abandonment. But without boundaries, there is violation. But maybe i prefer it because it is more comfortable?"
Then my brain started hurting.... @_@

hi Kiya, ive been following when i have time.. T is right, boundaries are for improved understandings.. sometimes we dont know which boundary to assert until we've known an individual for a little bit of time.. though interactions we become more familiar with that persons typical behavior management style and then we can adapt... your boundary is no less important than the other persons, but sometimes we are in a place of adapting until we gain better knowledge of matters.. go ahead and follow the others and your T's advice, i really believe you are going the right direction..

Thanks for your post I have been doing more work with this, and did say 4-5 boundaries with mom just this week. Growth kinda sneaks up on me and I don't even realize it until later. I sent t an email explaining it all and she is thrilled. =) mom was really shocked about all I have put forth lately.
kiya

This is good news Kiya!

Awesome work, Kiya! I wonder what boundaries you can set with her next?! Any ones you'd really like to work on?

uhhhhhhh.... i don't know! i can't think of those that i need to know! ya know?!?

Maybe you don't need to think about it ahead of time? Maybe if you pay attention to how you are feeling, you will *know* when it is time to set a boundary.

You are doing such good work

Earth, yes I believe you're right. WHen it's time, i'm sure it will smack me in the face! These things tend to. =)