I've been on a long therapy break while my T has been away. Only a few more weeks to go. Yesterday I was feeling really strongly like I missed her and needed to feel her say something nice to me. Normally I do NOT express these things to her, though I'm sure she knows it's a touchy area for me. Anyway, I went ahead and emailed her and pretty much made it clear that I was missing her and needed something (encouragement? kindness?) from her. She hasn't responded yet.

Why did I do it? Because I wanted her to see what it's like for me, even if I don't usually express it. That sometimes it is really intense and desperate and I need to feel connected to her. She hasn't responded yet (I'm sure she will when she gets around to checking her email).

But if she doesn't say what I need her to say, then that will probably help me too. I think that's why I went ahead and emailed her in the first place. Either she will respond and say what I need and it will feel good and make me happy, or she won't and I will feel rejected but see the truth and be able to let go and move on. That's really how it feels to me. That this email response will decide everything.

I don't know why I'm posting except maybe I know on some level that this is a lot to put on one email. If anyone has suggestions for other ways to handle this or think about it, I am open to that, but please don't tell me I'm being unreasonable. Just not up for that, thanks.

[imapatient]

One question I have is how often do you email your T? I didn't have one who used email.

If you never email I can imagine that you'll get response. IF it's something that's a problem with you doing--too often, esp. if it's been talked about that it's a problem or that you shouldn't do it, maybe as a therapeutic response s/he won't respond. Not reinforce what could be dysfunctional behavior.

It's early to get a response. IF she's on vacation she might not check email often, maybe not at all--people sometimes shut it down if they're going to be away or don't have the means to access it. If you do email, how often have you rec'd replies in the past? On vacy, like I said, the regular operating might be totally out the window. Maybe the emailed doesn't make it to her at all.

How long have you seen her? How frequently? Think of all the good things--your history. Is all of that meaningless because you don't receive an email reply? Does that one thing negate everything else? Do you think your T's attitude and caring for you has completely changed in a few weeks? What would you make think that? I think the standard to use isn't your perception of her behavior but to think about what other--many-most T's would do in the same situation. Try to think outside of your particular circumstance and generalize.

While you might think that it's a make-or-break situation, do you think your T (or most T's) does? Maybe she just simply doesn't understand it to be that way so she's not making the sort of statement that you're interpreting it be.

I've been through hell like you're going thru. It happens that T's go away some times. Some and maybe all behavior might different than normal. If you really need to be in contact, there’s nothing stopping you from emailing again in a day or two, keeping in mind she might not see it, etc.

[kim_johnson]

Long therapy breaks can be hard. I tend to have some difficulty in feeling attached and immense difficulty in expressing attachment. Sometimes a long break is when I feel most in touch with those feelings, though, and email is (I find) the least threatening medium for expressing those kinds of feelings. I think it is a nice thing that you did.

I know what you mean about the email response deciding everything. The first time I expressed attachment was by email and I felt the same way. He responded well. Kindly. Took a while... But he did. If he hadn't have done that then I'm sure I would have well and truely packed those feelings away and never expressed them again! I'm sure she will respond well, with the tenderness and kindness you deserve. Even though (I'm sure you know) that lots of people really are bad with how often they check their emails!

You hang in there... I think it was a lovely thing to do and that it will improve your relationship with your therapist :-)

[chaotic13]

I can definately relate to being ready to end therapy because a few email when unreplied. Just make sure you consider all possible reasons for why you might not respond. I would also look closely at your email. When I had my falling out with my T, I thought that I had been clear about what was going on in my head and how much I needed a response. Turns out I was really clear at all. In my case after I cooled down a bit, I decided that I owed it to myself to face my T, tell her what I thought about her misleading me about actually caring, and end therapy the right way (in my mind). This was a very hard thing to do. But I was soooo glad that I scheduled and went to that appointment. My T and I worked through the misunderstanding.

All I am saying is allow yourself room to change your mind.

[phoenix7]

its hard when you put your feelings out there and are waiting for a reply - give your T time - if they are on vacation they may not even look at their emails - take care P7

Originally Posted by kim_johnson

Long therapy breaks can be hard. I tend to have some difficulty in feeling attached and immense difficulty in expressing attachment. Sometimes a long break is when I feel most in touch with those feelings, though, and email is (I find) the least threatening medium for expressing those kinds of feelings. I think it is a nice thing that you did.

I know what you mean about the email response deciding everything. The first time I expressed attachment was by email and I felt the same way. He responded well. Kindly. Took a while... But he did. If he hadn't have done that then I'm sure I would have well and truely packed those feelings away and never expressed them again! I'm sure she will respond well, with the tenderness and kindness you deserve. Even though (I'm sure you know) that lots of people really are bad with how often they check their emails!

You hang in there... I think it was a lovely thing to do and that it will improve your relationship with your therapist :-)

Thanks for this, kim_johnson. It did help.

No reply yet, but I know that's just because she hasn't checked her email (she doesn't do it as often on the weekend). I'm more concerned about what she will say when she does reply. If she ultimately refuses to say what I want/need her to, then what's the point of continuing? So that I can feel bad and rejected all the time? Doesn't it make more sense to move on and stop putting so much energy into a relationship that is ultimately going to be unfulfilling?

Isn't that kind of the whole point of this kind of therapy, to make you aware of your needs/wants by having them come up in the therapy relationship, and then mourn the fact that they will never be able to be met, which is somehow supposed to be freeing? Well, if that's the case, fine, I've got it, they will never be met, and I don't see any point in continuing and feeling bad for any longer than necessary. I should put my energy into more productive places in my life, rather than just banging my head into the wall over and over. Sigh.

[kim_johnson]

i think so, yes. which is why i, too, would have immense difficulty continuing with a clinician who didn't respond to such a self disclosure in a validating way. you took a significant risk in disclosing something so vulnerable and intimate (though i hope my putting it like that doesn't freak you out!). safe environment for that kind of thing is what therapy is about IMHO (at least for me). it really is a good sign that you felt safe enough to express those feelings. now it is time to see whether she is capable of meeting you half way. most definitely hold on to the thought that that is, in fact, what you deserve :-) i'm fairly sure she will pull through (i'd imagine that you are picking up on that and that is why you disclosed). nerve wracking until you know for sure, though. if there isn't something to be lost then there isn't something to be gained...

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by notme9

Thanks for this, kim_johnson. It did help.

No reply yet, but I know that's just because she hasn't checked her email (she doesn't do it as often on the weekend). I'm more concerned about what she will say when she does reply. If she ultimately refuses to say what I want/need her to, then what's the point of continuing? So that I can feel bad and rejected all the time? Doesn't it make more sense to move on and stop putting so much energy into a relationship that is ultimately going to be unfulfilling?

sometimes I think T's dont realise what we are saying - I look back at emails I sent my work T and his replies and somtimes he doesnt even answer my questions fully but goes off on a tangent obviously of what that question meant to him - ( he doesnt work the days I do so this is my main form of communication) yet the times I have seen him (very few) he has understood and replied with some helpful insights/info (somtimes) so maybe some people are just bad at emails and better in person? and when I re-read my emails i somtimes see that I have not really said what i need to for fear of.... well lots of things.

Isn't that kind of the whole point of this kind of therapy, to make you aware of your needs/wants by having them come up in the therapy relationship, and then mourn the fact that they will never be able to be met, which is somehow supposed to be freeing? Well, if that's the case, fine, I've got it, they will never be met, and I don't see any point in continuing and feeling bad for any longer than necessary. I should put my energy into more productive places in my life, rather than just banging my head into the wall over and over. Sigh.

i am sorry that you are feeling so sad and frustrated by the lack of a reply - it is often very painful when you open yourself up to the possibility of letting someone close enough to hurt you and then have to wait to see if they do or not... waiting can seem like an eternity - whatever happens it was brave of you to take the step

I am coming to the conclusion that maybe I am the one to meet those needs - I cant change the past - but I can try to meet my needs as much as possible now - I am trying to be my own best friend - but Im a lot of hard work LOL

((((((((((((((((((notme9))))))))))))))))))))))

There have been times when I've wanted to base the entire state of my therapy relationship, and whether or not I should continue, on one phone call, or one e-mail reply, or one session. There have DEFINITELY been times when I've come thisclose to quitting because he didn't give me what I needed.

But....instead, I have always gone and talked to him about what I needed and didn't get. Sometimes he misunderstood. Sometimes he tried to give me what I needed, but I just didn't hear it. Sometimes I didn't communicate clearly enough what it was that I wanted.

There have been other times when he has almost magically given me what I need without me even asking....those are the best, of course.

But (as much as I hate when other people say this to me!), therapists really ARE human, and they don't always get it right.

I think I "get" how important this is to you. I can think of a few times when I just felt DESPERATE to have a certain need met - and he blew it. But over the course of our relationship, he has more than made up for it.

I guess what I am saying is that...I really, really hope she gives you what you need in this e-mail. And I hope if she misses, you will talk to her about it, and give her another chance...if you've had a good therapy relationship until now, is it worth throwing away over one e-mail??

(((((((((((((((((notme9)))))))))))))))))))) Sending tons of safe hugs and wishes that you get exactly what you need...

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by notme9

I'm more concerned about what she will say when she does reply. If she ultimately refuses to say what I want/need her to, then what's the point of continuing?

In your email, did you tell her what you want/need from her? One thing I've learned in therapy is that if you need something, you may have to ask, otherwise the other person doesn't know. I hope you let your T know what you needed so that she has a chance to respond as you hope.

Doesn't it make more sense to move on and stop putting so much energy into a relationship that is ultimately going to be unfulfilling?

My own therapy relationship is very fulfilling. The therapy relationship is not by definition unfulfilling. If you do continue with your T, I hope you can work towards greater fulfillment.

Isn't that kind of the whole point of this kind of therapy, to make you aware of your needs/wants by having them come up in the therapy relationship

Yes, I think that is one thing we can get out of therapy.

and then mourn the fact that they will never be able to be met, which is somehow supposed to be freeing?

I don't agree with this part. I have never heard that before. (You refer to "this kind of therapy"--what kind are you in?) This has not happened to me with either of the therapists I've been with. I'm not saying that if it happens to you, it is not worthwhile, as you seem to be taking something from it. But I don't think it is the rule that this happens in therapeutic relationships. I think sometimes clients who don't feel their needs are being met abandon the therapeutic relationship. I know all therapists have those clients who just "never come back" and they may never know why.

notme9, if you do see your therapist again, do you think it might be helpful to talk with her about therapeutic relationships--what they can provide and can't provide, typical things that may come up or happen, etc.? Of course, everyone is different, but I do think there are some commonalities too. (Was it your T who told you that she can never meet your needs, you need to mourn this, and it will be freeing?)

I am hoping you get the reply you need SOON.

Originally Posted by earthmama

Sometimes he tried to give me what I needed, but I just didn't hear it. Sometimes I didn't communicate clearly enough what it was that I wanted.

Thanks EM for the support. She did respond. But I still don't think she fully addressed what I wanted her to (missed it or deliberately skipped it?). So, I took your advice and have emailed her back for clarification. This time it's quite direct: I need this, and if you can't give it to me, I don't want to be in therapy any more. So now it's wait and see time. Again.

I know she's really professional and will try to do the right thing. And I know she has gone out of her way for me (like emailing in the first place, and emailing during her break at all). But if at the end of the day, she can't say what I need her to say, then I don't see the point of continuing. Maybe it's a good wake-up call so that I can move on and put all this energy somewhere else in my life.

Originally Posted by sunrise

(You refer to "this kind of therapy"--what kind are you in?)

(Was it your T who told you that she can never meet your needs, you need to mourn this, and it will be freeing?)

I am hoping you get the reply you need SOON.

Thanks Sunrise.

I meant the kind of therapy that is about relationships and that includes the therapy relationship as a big part.

No, my T didn't tell me that. I think I've read something like that in a therapy book once. She did tell me once that we can't change the past. I just feel that a T and the amount of relationship they have to offer will never be completely filling. Will never fill up what you should have had in the past and didn't and still crave. So, if that's so, what comes next? Recognition of this fact, feeling sad...and hopefully somehow moving on to the point of not craving it so much any more...thus freeing. I'm not entirely clear about that process, but that's my general understanding of the big picture. Maybe not everyone believes this and maybe it's not that way for everyone. But I think it probably will be for me, at least I hope I get to the not-craving point some day.

Originally Posted by kim_johnson

i think so, yes. which is why i, too, would have immense difficulty continuing with a clinician who didn't respond to such a self disclosure in a validating way. you took a significant risk in disclosing something so vulnerable and intimate (though i hope my putting it like that doesn't freak you out!). safe environment for that kind of thing is what therapy is about IMHO (at least for me). it really is a good sign that you felt safe enough to express those feelings. now it is time to see whether she is capable of meeting you half way. most definitely hold on to the thought that that is, in fact, what you deserve :-) i'm fairly sure she will pull through (i'd imagine that you are picking up on that and that is why you disclosed). nerve wracking until you know for sure, though. if there isn't something to be lost then there isn't something to be gained...

Thanks again kim_johnson. Your replies really did help me.

In this particular instance, I guess I'm pushing further. I guess I'm asking for more than to be validated, to be told something more than her standard "it's so strong of you to tell me exactly how you feel." I'm forcing the issue. We shall see.

[kim_johnson]

> In this particular instance, I guess I'm pushing further. I guess I'm asking for more than to be validated, to be told something more than her standard "it's so strong of you to tell me exactly how you feel." I'm forcing the issue. We shall see.

?

What do you want from her? If it isn't acknowledgement and acceptance of your feelings then... What could it be?

Originally Posted by notme9

Thanks EM for the support. She did respond. But I still don't think she fully addressed what I wanted her to (missed it or deliberately skipped it?). So, I took your advice and have emailed her back for clarification. This time it's quite direct: I need this, and if you can't give it to me, I don't want to be in therapy any more. So now it's wait and see time. Again.

I know she's really professional and will try to do the right thing. And I know she has gone out of her way for me (like emailing in the first place, and emailing during her break at all). But if at the end of the day, she can't say what I need her to say, then I don't see the point of continuing. Maybe it's a good wake-up call so that I can move on and put all this energy somewhere else in my life.

(((((((((((((((((((((notme9)))))))))))))))))))))))

I really hope she gives you what you need. You are being brave to be direct and ask for it.

I think one of the hard things about e-mail is how slow the back and forth process is. T and I have talked about this. If we are sitting in the room together, and he doesn't give me what I need, I can tell him, and he can explain why, and I can tell him how that makes me feel, and he can respond, and we can usually work our way to a point where we understand each other and both feel okay about whatever it is that is going on.

For some reason (projection??) I am feeling anxious about you basing the continuation of your therapy on this one e-mail. In my experience, e-mail is not the best form of communication with T. Your experience may be totally different, though....

I hope your T comes through for you

Update:

She responded, and she said exactly what I wanted. *happiness* She also said she didn't think she had met a more courageous person and then asked what we could do to make coming back after the break easier for me (anticipating needs, like you said above EM, a nice feeling).

Anyway, I don't know why this all felt so urgent to me, maybe because of the long break, but it did, and I appreciate the support and thoughts. Hope you have happy holidays!

[Luce]

Hi notme. I am glad your T wrote the right words that you wanted to hear. I can tell your distress has eased considerably.

Like Earthmama I was feeling anxious that your entire therapeutic relationship was riding on this one email, and her being able to respond in the way you wanted. What if she had fallen ill and was too tired to say much? What if she was so busy and distracted by other happenings that she didn't have the time or space to write what she would have wanted to? What if she didn't have email access and didn't even see your email?

I am glad none of those scenarios transpired and your T did choose the right words to offer you. Because if she had been busy or she had been ill or she didn't have email access, I guess right now you would be feeling very alone and bitter and without a T. (And that would have been such an unnecessary waste!!!)

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by notme9

Update:

She responded, and she said exactly what I wanted. *happiness* She also said she didn't think she had met a more courageous person and then asked what we could do to make coming back after the break easier for me (anticipating needs, like you said above EM, a nice feeling).

Anyway, I don't know why this all felt so urgent to me, maybe because of the long break, but it did, and I appreciate the support and thoughts. Hope you have happy holidays!

Great! You showed strength in clarifying what you needed; it brought you what you wanted.

I'm so glad you got what you needed