When it becomes very real

Just some things I would like to share from my session...

I was telling T about a 'conversation' I was having with my (deceased) father. Then I told T that right after it, I self-injured.

T started to say something, but then stopped and said, "Nevermind."

I said, "Whooaa, you can't do that! I don't care if i'm the patient here, we are both therapists and no one is allowed to start a statement, and not finish it."

T told me, "I was going to say something sarcastic, but decided not to."

I answered, "It find it interesting that you will describe what the comment was, but you won't actually say it."

(I think there was a weird role reversal going on here).

Then T said, "Well, I was angry at you. I get mad when you cut yourself. I don't want you to cut yourself anymore."

The next day, I realized this was major stuff. No one had ever said they wanted me to stop cutting. No one ever made it seem like they were angry cause they care and just really want me to stop. Everyone has either ignored it, or made sure that I know how disturbing/disgusting it is. T is the first person who seems to be saying-- I care about you, so that's why I'm angry that you cut. I want you to stop. I called T yesterday and left him a message telling him that I could see myself going down a bad path, again, with my SI. I asked him to call me back because I need to make a verbal contract with him. I told him I would stick to the contract because I trust him.

T called me back and the best thing that he did was let me know how glad he was that I had reached this insight, and decided to reach out to him for help with stopping. T and got into a short, but in-depth discussion about the behavior. It ended with a verbal contract. "So we have a deal," said T. "Yes we do," I told him.

Another thing that happened in session was that I was talking to T about what it meant to feel love for him. T told me, "When you talk about your father, I could cry. I am so touched even though I hate the word touched... rather, I am so moved by your experience that even though it didn't happen to me, and I can't feel exactly what you are feeling, I can feel so much."

(I love how he expressed that he hated the word "touched" in the middle of all of this because I know exactly what he means-- and he knows I would hate that word, too, because it seems too generic and Hallmark-like).

I bring up these two examples because even though they are very different, they are both very much the same. In one instance, T was mad at me (because he cares). In the other, T was expressing an emotion very different from anger. Both are examples of empathy, and best of all, both are real.

I love the point I am in at in my relationship with T where it can get so real in the session that T will tell me he is angry at me, and instead of getting even the least bit upset or anxious, I just ask him why. And instead of having to even think, "OMG T is angry at me, he's gonna kick me out" (the way I used to) that doesn't even enter my mind. Rather, I am so glad that T cares enough to get angry because of SI. And I am so glad that our relationship is close and open to where he can admit it.

I love that too - it shows what is possible with enough trust on the part of both parties involved... something to look for (if not forward to). I am not sure i will get there with my current t, but she seems like someone with whom it might be possible to have that much honesty with and that level of depth in conversation. Right now we are still in the "mucking through" but she is also teaching me stability through it.
I am always glad you post, pink - i learn a lot from your posts.

((((((((((pinksoil)))))))))))

It's great when people REALLY show they care, especially when you need it the most.

that's great pinksoil, I dont think I will ever get to that stage as I dont connect well (geez makes me sound like a two prong plug in a three prong world!) so I am really happy for you.

Its always great to realise that someone actually cares about us - take care P7

ps I have a Non SIB agreement with my old psych (not that he was old!) it goes like this - I tell him I was cutting myself he tells me how dangerous it was - I say but I can look you in the eyes (not somethig I seemed to do often - too afraid of what id see maybe) and tell you that I wont do it again - and he said "of course you can " with a knowing smile - ok I thought I'll show you - so I keep that pic in my head when the urge to cut comes - so far it has worked - adn yes I realise he was using reverse psychology on me - but hey you go with what works - again - happy for you

sometimes things just 'click' huh. i remember when a similar thing happened with me... my therapist was like 'can you promise me not to self harm this week' and i was like 'i'll do it for you'. i thought somehow that that wasn't a good reason. my therapist said 'yeah, ok, you do it for me. and we will work on your doing it for you'. i was really surprised at her response...

Linehan has this speel somewhere about how sometimes clients / patients (whatever lol) start out doing things for their therapist. they exercise for their therapist. they get out of bed in the mornings for their therapist. they stop hurting themselves for their therapist. she says the initial reason doesn't matter why... just the move of doing it means that the patient / therapist can work together in figuring out effective alternative coping strategies. and then over time... eventually... once the coping strategies are in place... the client does it for them. but that latter thing takes time, yeah.

(bit like how when people get to a certain point of starvation it affects their thinking such that they are simply unable to eat for them and its about kind of using any means necessary to get their body weight over that threshold such that then their doing it for themselves is an option).