a glimmer of hope

Oct 10, 2009, 11:26 AM

Last night my H was out of town.

When I started therapy, I was very very very very scared of everything. I guess it was the PTSD/hypervigilance...but I didn't get that, I just thought the world was a really, relly dangerous place. If I was in a store, I thought someone was going to pull out a gun and start shooting, if I was in the car, I thought someone was following me, if I was at the park with my kids, I thought they would disappear - it was just constant. And the WORST thing was being home alone at night. If H was out of town, I literally wouldn't sleep, or I would catnap here and there if I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I really don't know how it's happened, but my fears have gradually disappeared. We never worked on any of them directly in therapy, but somehow, through therapy, I just feel SAFER. I'm not scared in stores, in my car, at the park...I can even go to movies, which used to be terrifying for me. Last night was the first time in a long time I've had to be alone at night....and I wasn't scared AT ALL. I got sleepy around 10, and I just went upstairs and went to sleep. I even checked in with myself to see if I was scared and just hadn't noticed...but I was FINE. And I got 8 hours of peaceful sleep.

All of that gives me a little bit of hope. I never thought I would feel safe in the world, and I basically DO. T and I did that...just by showing up and trusting the process. It makes me wonder if maybe, MAYBE, if I keep showing up and working hard with T, if someday I will get past the shame, in the same way I got past the fear.

It feels just IMPOSSIBLE, but maybe....?

jexa · Oct 10, 2009, 11:39 AM

I have hope for you tree.

You're so willing to do this -- to trust the process, to trust T, to put yourself out there in the hope of finding some relief. Shame is hard to overcome, but what you did in your last session sounds like exactly what you need to do to overcome it. You're working through these feelings now, and you're not shying away from them. I have faith in you.

mixedup_emotions · Oct 10, 2009, 12:16 PM

That is a HUGE accomplishment, and you didn't even notice it was happening. Awesome!!!!!

I know how impossible it feels....I am hopeful for you, because then that means there's hope for me!

searchingmysoul · Oct 10, 2009, 03:42 PM

((((((((Tree))))))))

More than a glimmer I believe! Your experience with this speaks to how much work and healing you are doing. You continue to be brave and amazing!

ECHOES · Oct 10, 2009, 03:52 PM

treehouse, this is so great to hear and I am so happy for you!

I have experienced the same thing. the general anxiety and panic over everything just got better..as my outlook has gradually moved away from thinking that the world is dangerous, that others are purposely hurtful. It is almost like a very broad-reaching grounding, and now I am able to better see what is and stay in the moment without taking the experience and moment somewhere else or bringing something into the experience and moment from someplace else.

Therapy works in mysterious ways.

googley · Oct 10, 2009, 04:07 PM

Treehouse, That is awesome! I'm so glad you were able to get a good night sleep last night. A good night sleep works wonders. I do believe that just as you got past this fear, you will be able to chip away at the shame until it is gone.

skeksi · Oct 10, 2009, 04:18 PM

Good for you, Tree!

The changes in ourselves seem to happen so slowly, and we curse ourselves for making no progress--then we look up and have come so far!

I am glad you had a fearless night on your own.

BlueMoon6 · Oct 10, 2009, 04:18 PM

Tree- I am so proud of you! It is proof of all of the hard work you are doing. And how much effort you have put into trusting t. And now trusting the world.

I agree with Echoes that therapy works in mysterious ways. And your kids will see your trust in the world, too. WOW!

I loved what Googley said about just as you have gotten past this fear, so too are you on the road to chipping away at the shame. Your healing process is truly inspirational.....

Sannah · Oct 11, 2009, 04:18 PM

It probably occurred because you unloaded a lot of scary things, worked through them and let them go so they don't "cloud" your present anymore. I think the same thing will happen with the shame. These "locked up" things influenced you constantly. By releasing them they have no effect on you anymore.

BlueMoon6 · Oct 11, 2009, 08:07 PM

I have to say, as I was going through the list of topics just now (and I read this thread, posted and already know its here) I read "A Dinner of Hope."

Jeez.........

jexa · Oct 11, 2009, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I have to say, as I was going through the list of topics just now (and I read this thread, posted and already know its here) I read "A Dinner of Hope."

Jeez.........

thanks blue! You made me lol.

sittingatwatersedge · Oct 12, 2009, 06:26 AM

treehouse

I was so happy to read this!!!!! i worried about you all weekend and it seems that you are making it on your own. You are strong Tree!! and yes this is surely evidence of healing!!

Oct 12, 2009, 07:26 AM

You are all so supportive

This morning I had a fight with my H - we RARELY fight, probably less than once a year, and during the fight I said "you are so hateful" and he said "I FEEL hateful right now". A little while later, upstairs, I LOST IT. I could see myself, but I couldn't stop myself. I don't think I've ever freaked out like this before. I was sobbing and told H that I KNEW he hated me, that everyone hates me, that I hate myself, and he can just join the ****ing club. I told him that he is a liar. I told him that I always knew he hated me, and I didn't care. I couldn't breathe.

We were quiet so I don't think the kids heard us. I don't know if I've ever lost control like that before - it scared me. I feel HORRIBLE now. Like all of the bad feelings have bubbled back up to the surface and I'm stuck in the dark place again.

Oct 12, 2009, 08:04 AM

Oh, Tree!

I'm so sorry! I hope the bad feelings pass quickly.

Sannah · Oct 12, 2009, 09:09 AM

Actually Tree, these thoughts and feelings belong out in the open. This interaction could lead both of you to a better place. This is what real intimacy is all about. Keeping things inside and, therefore, in between both of you blocks intimacy. It really is good................

Oct 12, 2009, 04:01 PM

((((((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))))))

sitting with you dear tree.

billieJ · Oct 12, 2009, 04:13 PM

Congratulations and Good Work, Tree. Sounds like I had better get into therapy, if it helped you this much. However, I have an idea that your built-in strength helped you just as much. I'm so proud of you and your immense accomplishments. billieJ

BlueMoon6 · Oct 12, 2009, 06:47 PM

((((((Tree)))))) I am so sorry. Fighting with h is so hard and so painful. I hope things are better now and you were able to have another conversation. I SO SO SO hope he can be supportive toward you.

How did you leave it?

Well, I have lost control many times, I think I have posted it here. The upside is that I felt like he would NEVER be there for me or even look at me again. After a time, things went right back to normal. We have a convo about whatever it was, agree to disagree or drop it until the next argument about whatever it was

Sometimes I find we have to work on an issue that we disagree about in stages. Little bits at a time. Sometimes I even feel A LOT better getting out how I really feel and I am glad he knows how I feel and that he lets it go. I have yet to be actually abandoned, no matter what my fear has been.

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a glimmer of hope

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