No T until February????

I am a little disturbed and distraught over the fact that I won't get to see my T until February when my new insurance coverage kicks in. That's my fault. I procrastinated on it. Though I also was not expecting to get a raise which allows me to be able to pay for my own insurance since I am not offered it through my job...Though I haven't asked for it either. I assume I don't have that option seeing as how everyone else who has come through has been offered insurance and I havent...

Anyways, I am disturbed for two reasons:
1. I can't see T until February....I have so many things running thru my head at the moment that I need to talk to her about and I can't because I can't see her til FEBRUARY. The logical alternative would be to reach out to someone in my support network--something I dont have. T is the only person I have been able to scarcely disclose anything personal to. I am very guarded and keep my thoughts and deep secrets under wraps. As far as everyone is concerned I have everything together. But I don't and T is the only one who knows this. She knows that when i made my intake appt i was teetering on the edge ready to explode (my mother said something to me that made me nearly blow my lid--my blood was boiling and i was shaking from complete rage, which scared me half to death. I managed to do what i always do--push the anger/feelings aside and distract myself with something else- something T said will only work for so long before it catches up with you)

2. I am little disturbed at the fact that I want to see her, even though I struggle every session to open myself up to her. I don't like the fact that I feel like I need someone now. I am not comfortable with feeling like this. It almost makes stomach turn. I want to run and hide. And NOW i am dreaming about T. Upset at the fact that in my last dream T had someone else in the room with us and i needed to talk to her, but couldn't because of this other nameless, faceless person. And she darn near ignored me while in the presence of this other person. I felt like she didnt care enough about me to realize that i needed her at the moment. I was upset in the the dream and woke up upset. I woke up and said screw her and everyone else who didnt give a darn about me. I don't need anyone. I am fine and I can take care of myself!--my motto. And then reality set in and I remember what T said to me at our last session before her vacay. We were going over a journal excerpt i'd given her from a previous session and she said "after reading some of the things in this journal excerpt, it seems to me that you might not be okay" (rolls eyes)---hence i need her help. I hate feeling like i need someone. I feel weak and powerless...like im admitting defeat and giving people ample room to move in and take advantage of me at my weakest moment.

There are a lot of things i want to talk to T about but I can't b/c I can't see her until February!! I'd gotten so used to going to see her since October, that now I feel slightly thrown off a bit. What's going to happen when I finally see her again in Feb?? What's it going to feel like? Do we just pick up from where we left off December 22??---

Sorry, this is just a rant....no need to respond

It is very difficult when you finally get the feeling that you want to talk, yet there is no one to talk to. There have been many times where I've got something in my head...and if only T had office hours at 2-3AM. These moments then pass, I return to therapy a week later with nothing pressing to talk about. It is a very frustrating feeling to know that these moments without being able to seize them.

All I can recommend is that you journal, draw, share them here on PC, reflect, have imaginary conversations, and explore the things you want to talk about the best you can. Even without the ability to share them with someone else, sharing them with yourself can have benefits. Who knows, maybe what you do with these thoughts during the month of January, may lay the necessary groundwork for maximizing therapy when you are able to return to it.

Hang in there try to find some silverlining even if it just gets you to the next day.

can you call your t and let her know about the feb date? maybe she can work something out...like sessions at a reduced rate or something so you can continue without such a long break in between.

sometimes t's have ways to work the insurance system that can amaze you and you wouldn't know unless you ask. and the worst she'll say is sorry i don't know anything and have a good month off...it's worth a shot!

I agree with Stumpy - maybe you can talk to T about this and pay out of pocket so you don't have to miss out on a month when you're just getting going.

My T gave me a reduced rate when my insurance ran out- I totally didn't expect it, and it made it possible for me to continue to see him.

We're always here to listen on PC too

like the others, llt, i would suggest you ask your T if there is any way to help. the very worst she would say is, "i'm sorry i can't help you". as i have done some things that i knew were going to be embarrassing i found out they are not fatal and actually some of them have had great results.

i once talked a chiropractor into forgiving the rest of my debt to him - 2,000 dollars because he did not ever change the way he treated me even though it never did help. i simply wrote him a letter and expressed it to him and he wrote it off. all i risked was a no and i got a yes.

none of the bad feelings you worry about - from telling things to T - is as bad as what you are privately feeling and suffering over now. i speak from experience. i don't always enjoy it but i am learning and doing it.

hang in there, it is going to get better

leslie and the pixies

Could you pay out of pocket for just one session in January? That might help a lot if you could have one session midway through this long break.

I thought about it....but almost $200 is soo much. I called her today and left a message about rescheduling. I guess she's still on vacay til monday....I will TRY to talk to her about the situation and see if she can possibly work something out for me, before I come out the pocket 180 for the session, but I am petrified and I dont know why....i hate feeling like a bother to her.... I am sooo used to taking care of myself (i was doing laundry, cooking and staying home by myself--with my twin---when i was 8 or 9...the only thing I couldnt do was drive LOL) and whatever I couldnt do for myself I just suffered for a bit and moved on to the next thing.... But I will talk to her on monday, hopefully....

its scary when you let someone close, and I think the theraputic relationship is about that JMO - you tell someone things that you dont even tell yourself and together you work out a way to provide support until the healing kicks in -

I am glad you are going to talk to your T I know its hard, but nothing ventured nothing gained - or as my mum used to say - "dont ask - don't get" lol I wish you luck