[Bleah]

I've been in therapy about a year. I've talked here in other posts about how its hard to be fully open with T, hard to not just be polite and extremely considerate based on my fears that if I'm not "good", she'll decide I'm too much trouble. I know that being very NOT good could be therapeutic for me.

That aside, I think I'm probably not fixable. I've been very uninterested in living life off and on, mostly on, for 25 years. I haven't summoned the courage to kill myself because I have children, but I feel that I really want to. I'm sure this is due to depression but mostly it feels that its just my particular view of life - that I'm not interested in being here. And that's not really fixable. I can take meds to sort of cover up the feeling, figure out what would be somewhat fulfilling, but overall these are just that, cover-ups, distractions.

The one part of therapy that generally feels good is that it is the one and only place where I honestly share these particular feelings. I struggle with the connection because I hate that I only feel (sort of) connected with a professional who I'm paying, and I feel sorry for myself about that. But this connection is obviously not enough. I'm not sure that 5 or 10 similar connections would be enough for me to want to be here.

So I think overall I'm not better with therapy ... maybe a little worse because of the pain that comes with actually looking at how emotionally alone I am. How do you know when to stop?

Originally Posted by Bleah

its hard to be fully open with T, hard to not just be polite and extremely considerate based on my fears that if I'm not "good", she'll decide I'm too much trouble.

This was a huge, huge, huge, HUGE fear of mine in therapy. It has been a real struggle to believe that he will accept me just as I am. I honestly didn't believe it was possible, and I struggled with it a lot.

BUT....I figured I am PAYING good money, and I really WANT to get better....so I have worked really, REALLY hard at taking risks and being honest about ALL of my feelings. It's scary. And lo and behold, T actually HAS accepted me just as I am. In fact, he says the fact that I am so honest and take so many risks is what endears me to him. Go figure.

For me, the only way to notice progress in therapy is to just keep going, and keep working...and then sometimes, I'll be in a conversation with H, or I'll have a rupture with T that we work through, or I'll notice that I feel okay and accept myself how I am (sometimes!! lol)and I'll realize...I AM making progress. It's just slow and hard to see while it's happening.

I know therapy is really, really hard. But really, you have everything to gain by just being honest about how you're feeling and about your fears. For me, it's the only way to move forward.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by Bleah

I've been in therapy about a year. I've talked here in other posts about how its hard to be fully open with T, hard to not just be polite and extremely considerate based on my fears that if I'm not "good", she'll decide I'm too much trouble. I know that being very NOT good could be therapeutic for me.

That aside, I think I'm probably not fixable. I've been very uninterested in living life off and on, mostly on, for 25 years. I haven't summoned the courage to kill myself because I have children, but I feel that I really want to. I'm sure this is due to depression but mostly it feels that its just my particular view of life - that I'm not interested in being here. And that's not really fixable. I can take meds to sort of cover up the feeling, figure out what would be somewhat fulfilling, but overall these are just that, cover-ups, distractions.

The one part of therapy that generally feels good is that it is the one and only place where I honestly share these particular feelings. I struggle with the connection because I hate that I only feel (sort of) connected with a professional who I'm paying, and I feel sorry for myself about that. But this connection is obviously not enough. I'm not sure that 5 or 10 similar connections would be enough for me to want to be here.

So I think overall I'm not better with therapy ... maybe a little worse because of the pain that comes with actually looking at how emotionally alone I am. How do you know when to stop?

You stop therapy when it is no longer a therapeutic relationship and the T has nothing more to offer you. In your case, it seems that you are covering up some of the things that you need to talk out of a unsupported and erroneous belief that your T will not like you, decide you are too much trouble, and throw you out. Can you honestly see that happening though? How realistic is your belief anyway? Does it stand up to a reality test, or is it just distorted thinking from the depression? Ask yourself if you have been honest with your T about the feelings you shared with us here. Otherwise, therapy isn't going to help. If you just tell T what you THINK they might want to hear in some effort to be considered "likable", then therapy isn't going to help either. You have to talk about what is bothering you, even if it is uncomfortable and makes you feel bad, otherwise you will never get over it and the depression will continue. You have to confront what makes you feel bad, recognizing it, finding the reason why it is hurting you, and then formulate a positive coping mechanism to destroy it.

Antidepressants only work some of the time in some of the people, and is SELDOM the only answer. If you haven't seen any improvement with medication, consider if it is the medication that needs changed, or if it is the Pdoc that you need to change. The same thing is true for psychotherapy: if you make a good faith effort and are open and honest about your problems to your T, and all that you do is end up getting worse instead of better, then it is time to tell your T that you are considering quitting as you are only doing worse off than before. Then you will know that you have given it your best, and that you can quit.

Please tell your T that you feel like if you don't say or do the right things in therapy, that you feel as if he will throw you to the curb. Keep in mind that depression distorts rational thought, which is something to consider whenever you consider a course of action based on those thoughts.
Another thing---if you have been using the exact same strategies over the last 25 years that you have been experiencing depression and are surprised that nothing is really working, then you need to consider that part of the issue is that you are esentially trying the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. Getting different results from the same failed strategy repeatedly is not possible. For many people antidepressants are not the answer to the depression. Maybe they aren't the answer for you?

Please discuss this in detail with both your Pdoc who prescribes the medication, and your therapist. Depression IS FIXABLE. You are worth the trouble of trying.

[phoenix7]

Hi Bleah

How do you know when its beneficial? well you say you connect with your T at times - thats beneficial to you - it will help you through the pain - theya re good at providing strategies to help with the distorted thinking (and I have it to) that depression gives you.

When do you stop? I think when the pain stops, when you have let it out and found constructive ways to deal with it. or if you are gettng nowhere with your T then its time to find a new one.

You've been struggling with this for a long time and you're tired - i hear that! - but you were not getting better without T so give it a try a bit longer - it takes that dreaded T word Time - but it can help - and you and your children deserve to have a great life together - take care and please keep trying

[MissCharlotte]

((Bleah))

You are depressed. I have shared many of the same feelings you articulate. It sounds like your therapy is already worth it if you have someone to share with. I think that the more we go and talk and share the more we understand ourselves. The more we understand ourselves, the better chance we have of acceptance of ourselves.

BTW, have you tried anti-depressants? They may help.

Take gentle care of yourself.

[(JD)]

Sounds like you've covered over or are trying to consciously ignore the hurt beneath. Therapy uncovers the hurt, slowly and caringly, so that the healing light can shine upon it.

Stay in therapy until you know you don't need it anymore. Right now you may be wanting to quit so you have some made-up excuse to suicide. Going through the therapy is work, but it's better and easier than the alternative.

What a good thing you're doing in the realm of self care! Going to therapy. You're job is to show up to sessions, it's the therapist's job to help you heal.

[MissCharlotte]

PS

Sky's post reminded me of something T said. He said that therapy is to shine a light on the hurt.

(((((((Bleah)))))))

(((((((Sky)))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by earthmama

This was a huge, huge, huge, HUGE fear of mine in therapy. It has been a real struggle to believe that he will accept me just as I am. I honestly didn't believe it was possible, and I struggled with it a lot.

BUT....I figured I am PAYING good money, and I really WANT to get better....so I have worked really, REALLY hard at taking risks and being honest about ALL of my feelings. It's scary. And lo and behold, T actually HAS accepted me just as I am. In fact, he says the fact that I am so honest and take so many risks is what endears me to him. Go figure.

For me, the only way to notice progress in therapy is to just keep going, and keep working...and then sometimes, I'll be in a conversation with H, or I'll have a rupture with T that we work through, or I'll notice that I feel okay and accept myself how I am (sometimes!! lol)and I'll realize...I AM making progress. It's just slow and hard to see while it's happening.

I know therapy is really, really hard. But really, you have everything to gain by just being honest about how you're feeling and about your fears. For me, it's the only way to move forward.

((((((((((em))))))))))

[imapatient]

For as serious as issues are, 1 year isn't a long time by any stretch. Figure in that you have plenty of other things to deal with using your mental energy, e.g. kids, and you have a full plate. But time itself says little. If you've had real difficulty opening up about big things, that means you haven't been getting treatment for those issues--yet. You open up when you're ready; don't make the mistake of thinking no improvement is possible just because you haven't been able to get to major issues at all or enough--------yet.