[MissCharlotte]

I just don't want to go tomorrow. I don't know how to bridge this gap. I don't know what to say or how to start. I don't look forward to my safe place because it's not safe anymore. I don't know where the nice T went. Scary T took his place. I am so ugly right now. I am repulsive. I am afraid.

[Sannah]

You see T and his office as not safe/nice anymore and you reflect this back on yourself and see yourself as negative too?

[RiverX]

I had this experience. I told him he'd changed. He didnt think so, of course.
All I could say was, "well the impact you have inside me has changed. " This, of course no-one can refute.
My T. did say, somethin like "perhaps its because I know you better, and you're taking that as a bad change." It was a good try, and came from a sympathetic place. But something more serous, something negative had taken over, thats what I experienced. So, as my memory has been unwinding the moments, I've been writing them down. So, I have a record, this is not in order to try and convict T. in my head, its to keep my sanity. And, one day, maybe truth and reconcilliation will be arrived at.

As a person of competence, caring, and gentleness, what approach do you think would be best for you to take when you go there? like, what stance inside yourself would you like to have?
.(.. as difficult as it is when with a T. )

.. .. dunno if this helps any..??

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( Miss Charlotte ))))))))))))))))

I am sorry that things have changed for you. I don't really have any advice however you are really good at giving support in therapy issues so what would you say to me if I were in your shoes?
I am sending you lots of hugs.

[MINIME]

I think with the place you are in you have nothing to loose by telling him exactly how you feel. I think he deserves that and you do to.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by RiverX

I had this experience. I told him he'd changed. He didnt think so, of course.
All I could say was, "well the impact you have inside me has changed. "
My T. did say, somethin like "perhaps its because I know you better, and you're taking that as a bad change."

This is a good point. Could it be just how you feel about yourself? If you feel that you are bad and someone is getting to know you better then this is bad?

[Liberada]

.........

((((((((((((((((((((((Miss C)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know you are good at telling T how you feel...I hope you will go tomorrow and just lay it out there-tell him everything you are telling us.

Ask him to honestly look at himself to see if he has a role in this. There are two people there, and generally when feelings like this are happening, I would say BOTH people are playing SOME kind of role in what is going on.

It almost feels like you need to step back and "start over"...establishing him, and the room, as safe. I've had to do that...and then we were able to regroup and keep moving forward...

Thinking of you. PM me later so we can chat, okay??

[RiverX]

Hold on a min Sannah, thanks, but thats not actually what I'm saying. Thats what HE said tho. !

Originally Posted by Sannah

This is a good point. Could it be just how you feel about yourself? If you feel that you are bad and someone is getting to know you better then this is bad?

Sometimes it's not that deep. I think Miss is feeling unsafe in the office because aspects of the relationship have been wavering. Sure, these feelings are driven by things that have happened in past relationships, but I think it is less of a projection and more of a real fear. There has been some inconsistency on the T's part.

Miss, can you think of the last time you felt safe and GORGEOUS in T's office? Even if it was just a moment. I think it's important to realize that those moments/sessions existed-- even when things change, when it shifts and we begin to feel unsafe in the relationship... sometimes it helps to know that feelings other than that do exist, and they are real. Sometimes it is not so much a change, but it is a shift in the dynamic that can be worked through.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

Sometimes it's not that deep. I think Miss is feeling unsafe in the office because aspects of the relationship have been wavering.

I don't know what is causing you to feel unsafe and fearful in therapy at the moment, but this statement spoke to me tonight. Although this doesn't relate to T, it relates to a recent change in feelings in one of my other relationship. I've managed to become somewhat close and more comfortable with two friends this past year. I was really feeling good about these relationships and was even thinking that I kind of felt a level safety with them. One of these relationships doesn't feel as safe anymore after a crazy drunken night and some weird text messages I was sent a 5 AM. I know the fear and discomfort I'm presently feeling is irrational and my friend hasn't really changed...yet I'm still feeling it.

Maybe the inconsistencies and the way you have been feeling lately just needs to play out. Maybe you need to allow time for you to rebuild the trust and get settled again. The good thing is that you're doing this with a T who is experienced in rebuilding consistency and safety. You've had a good connection with your T before and therapy has felt like a safe place before. You can get there again, just allow yourself time to build it back.

(((Miss C))) hope you hang in there and work through this with your T.

[coconut64]

River, is this with the T you went to see in CA? I remember how pleased you were with the experience then.

[coconut64]

(((((((MC))))))))))

I'm sorry things with T are so hard right now. I'm there too. I'm trying to keep all my fears in check so I can go tomorrow. I asked a friend to meet me for coffee before hand at a Starbucks by T's office. She said she will be there with me whether I decide to go to T or not. She even offered to wait for me if I decide to go so we can talk afterwards. That takes some of the pressure off. Would this work for you? I know it doesn't make things better with T but having someone there helps. Also, maybe what you have is some type of anticipatory anxiety because you have in your head this whole scenario that tomorrow you have to tell T all that has been happening lately and all that you're feeling. Well, you don't. I read one of your posts that maybe it was time to slow things down. I agree. Don't put all this pressure on yourself that tomorrow you have to make this whole disclosure. Just show up and see how it goes and how you feel. Maybe telling him tha you're upset and thinking about termination is enough for tomorrow. Maybe what you need tomorrow is one of those session EM talks about where you just connect by talking about your weekend or something topical (as my T calls it). Maybe when the connection has been restablished, it will be time to discuss all the negative and uncomfortable feelings you're experiencing. I jope this helps a little.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I don't know how to bridge this gap.

Can you tell him that and ask for his help? Just kind of lay it at his feet? With no judgments or interpretations. As a therapist, this should be right up his alley. Sometimes when I have laid an issue at my T's feet, he seems really, really pleased. Like, "great, she is making use of my training and skills and talents and experience! I can be useful here! I can help!" I think this approach connects with the man who went to school to be a therapist, the man who wanted to help people heal and who has spent a lot of time and effort learning how and doing so. I think it really helps center him and "be" his role more deeply. And it shows my openness to what he can offer and my faith that he will have something to offer. This inspires him to try his best for me.

Good luck tomorrow, MissC. I am glad you are going.

[phoenix7]

beauty comes from the inside out and i have seen no ugliness in your posts - you are a kind and caring person and you are upset - you seem to have had a good relationship with T till this - maybe it would be worth talking to him about it - start off easy and see how you go - you are in the driving seat on this - take your time - explain how you feel and see if this rift can be mended. Take care

I am now handing you the power-stick. You've got the powa, sistah. Oh, and the therapy glitter. Sprinkle it on his head. You can do this.
Stay Strong.

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks everyone.

Right now there is no rift, other than the chasm in my mind.

T has no clue what's going on. When I left the other day he was like, "Well I'm glad that's resolved." We had been discussing my need for contact between sessions and how best to meet that need. T really wanted to understand this and gets worried if he can't return a call after I leave a lengthy message. So, we discussed how my needs can be met and what is best saved for session. (I even told him that he needs to "parent" me the way I "parent" my son/by asking for briefer messages.) The problem--I am in a HUGE transference that is triggered whenever the topic of outside contact comes up. It's a trauma place for me. It's very very deep, and when I am in it I can't see out of it. I lose the "observing adult ego." It is a scary place and it's the place where I am really ugly. It's a place of panic attacks/smothering feelings and self harm. Ugh. I have been in and out of this place all weekend and I am afraid of going there again tomorrow. I don't know if any of this makes sense to you.

I hope the nice T will be there. Otherwise I don't think I'll make it.

Oh, I like the glitter PInk and those chilis make me laugh.

Sunny, I think the openness is the key--thank you for reminding me.

Chaotic, maybe what I need is a crazy drunken night with T-LOL.

Ugh.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you.

.

This makes SOOOOOOOOOO much sense to me! For me, it's because I'm so scared of doing something "wrong" and getting in trouble or being told to leave or that I'm bad. Talking about contact outside of session really used to throw me into a tailspin.

In fact, Teacher T and I had a talk about contact outside of session in which I misinterpreted what she was saying and it totally threw me into a spiral...we figured it out,and it was fine...BUT! It sucked in the meantime.

Yeah, it COMPLETELY makes sense.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

One of these relationships doesn't feel as safe anymore after a crazy drunken night and some weird text messages I was sent a 5 AM. I know the fear and discomfort I'm presently feeling is irrational and my friend hasn't really changed...yet I'm still feeling it.

I don't think this sounds irrational. Crazy drunken people don't put out safe vibes............

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by RiverX

Hold on a min Sannah, thanks, but thats not actually what I'm saying. Thats what HE said tho. !

Okay!.........

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Chaotic, maybe what I need is a crazy drunken night with T-LOL.

Funny you said that. I don't usually think about seeing my T outside of the therapy room or wish she was part of my RL. But I have to admit that the day afterwards I remember wishing my T was at that party. That she could have witnessed the interaction among me and my friends. Could definiatefly tell me if I am being a total freak about something that happened. I wish she could have been there to tell so she could objectively say stuff like, "You may have been feeling uncomfortable on the inside but you presented yourself on the outside fine." The freaky text messages you got later were not in response to something you said, did, or implied."

HOWEVER.... I would not like having a crazy drunken night WITH my T. In otherwords, I would NOT like to see her drunk and acting irrationally or emotionally. This would throw this interaction into disarray too.

I didn't mean to digress in your thread.... what you are experiencing, at least in my head seems related. The issue I am having with my relationship with my friend was precipitated by a change in her behavior (likely because of alcohol). Because of this experience, a simple snapshot in time, the relationship between us at least on my end is different. There is a fear there (whether real or created in my head) that before was easily challenged and dismissed but now... is not so easy to disregard. The relationship doesn't feel the same, there is a fear wall there were one had been removed, and maybe she won't be able to detect it but I detect it. I'm feeling sad about this and a bit lost in what to do about it.

I just things like this happen all the time in relationships especially closer relationships. For people like me.. and I think you too Miss C the ripple effect can be profound. I think about my T and how her just saying a few words during a session F(*&%s me up for weeks. One good thing is that over the past year when it happens in my therapeutic relationship with T, it seems to get resolved. In my case, the issue might not actually be openly discussed, but over time my T's genuine actions seem to rebalance my thinking and I am able get comfortable again.

Maybe you just need to have some faith that what ever is going on with how you are feeling about therapy will eventually get resolved. Either your interactions with your T will return to the way they were, or you and he will uses those magical tricks of the therapy trade to redifine the relationship in a way that works. Your T cares about you, he accepts you the way you are (even it somehow it is now a little different than it was 2 months ago), and he has the training to adapt and help you learn to accept yourself too. After all that's what T's do, right!

[MissCharlotte]

I went to session today and we connected. It could have gone either way.

I was able to tell him what I needed, and how I have been feeling the past few days and how difficult it was to show up. We talked about my unintegrated child self and how difficult it is for her. We talked about the adult me, and how depressed I am. I explained that the adult me gets lost and flooded when my child self is feeling neglected. There is so much more. We talked about the suicidal ideation and how I need to talk again with Pdoc and increase my meds. I really feel cared for.

Oh yeah, we talked about bathrobes and klonopin meatballs. DON'T ASK!

So I am back but most definitely wrung out.

Maybe you just need to have some faith

Chaotic, truer words were never spoken. Thank you.

[chaotic13]

Miss C, so glad to hear you are back and you were able to reconnect with your T. I have my first session back tomorrow. I hope it goes well, I need some connection at this point.

[coconut64]

MC so glad you went, opened up, took the pressure off yourself and are looking at this with a brighter outlook. High Five!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((Miss C))))))))))))))))))))))))

Whew.