[hangingon]

My T and I have been trying to work on the relationship I had with my mom.
My mom passed this past August. Everytime I try to work on the issues it kills me because I loved my mom even though she was far from perfect.

My T told me that she knows its really difficult to do this but she doesn't want me to minimize what I had been through either. She tells me that it's ok to love my mom and be angry with her at the same time. I understand what she is saying but I loved my mom more than she upset me, maybe the anger will come in time.

I find it difficult to work on, my T doesn't push me and she's very reassuring. Sometimes I start to talk and then can't. I know she knows its difficult, sometimes she will be really quite and other times she will say she is really sorry ect.
My mom and I had a little blowout before she got sick and passed and I feel really guilty right now, it happened so fast before we could even deal with the issue.
As soon as we found out she had cancer she had passed within a month. During that time I was able to be with her but laid the issue to rest because I didnt want to hurt her. The issue killed me though.

My T hit the nail on the spot, she asked me what I would say to my mom right then if I could, I told her that I wanted to tell her I love her, that I wanted to hug her. She said and you wanted her to hug you back. She was right, I needed to know my mom loved me.

How do you finally talk about this stuff, will it get easier?

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by hangingon

My T and I have been trying to work on the relationship I had with my mom.
My mom passed this past August. Everytime I try to work on the issues it kills me because I loved my mom even though she was far from perfect.

My T told me that she knows its really difficult to do this but she doesn't want me to minimize what I had been through either. She tells me that it's ok to love my mom and be angry with her at the same time. I understand what she is saying but I loved my mom more than she upset me, maybe the anger will come in time.

I find it difficult to work on, my T doesn't push me and she's very reassuring. Sometimes I start to talk and then can't. I know she knows its difficult, sometimes she will be really quite and other times she will say she is really sorry ect.
My mom and I had a little blowout before she got sick and passed and I feel really guilty right now, it happened so fast before we could even deal with the issue.
As soon as we found out she had cancer she had passed within a month. During that time I was able to be with her but laid the issue to rest because I didnt want to hurt her. The issue killed me though.

My T hit the nail on the spot, she asked me what I would say to my mom right then if I could, I told her that I wanted to tell her I love her, that I wanted to hug her. She said and you wanted her to hug you back. She was right, I needed to know my mom loved me.

How do you finally talk about this stuff, will it get easier?

When my friend died, I had a hard time talking about it... and so I didn't for well over a year. He was my roommate and friend and our last words were those in anger. He'd even moved out due to a argument that we had.
I wasn't in therapy at the time. I talk about him now a little bit here and there with my T cuz it's safe to. Before I had no one to talk to about it that could help me put things in perspective, and now I do.

I would say that it does get easier. I both love my friend and can think he did some really stupid things in the past. However, he is how I remember him and neither he nor I would have it any other way. It isn't dishonoring our good times together by remembering everything that happened before he died. With my friend it was also sudden and unexpected (he took his own life with no warning). We hadn't spoken in awhile due to our discord--- the discord that was over incredibly stupid things. I chalk it up to us both being immature at the time. I know my friend would think differently now. It was his nature to forgive and move on. We were just young and dumb.

We all make mistakes. Sometimes people don't have time to grow and learn from them before they pass. It doesn't dishonor your relationship with your mom (who probably loved you very much in spite of her issues). We all are quite capable of stupid and impulsive things. I think my friend was a really great guy even though our last time together was a fight. With friends and family, we take the good along with the bad (hopefully the good outweighs the bad as in my friends case). I would say to my friend that I'm sorry, and I know he would too. I have said sorry. Nothing can change the past, but we can move forward by accepting those things we can't change, making amends, and resolving to do better than before.

Do you think your mother would feel the same way?

Keep talking about this with your T. The fog will lift one day at a time, and every day will become a little clearer. You might still have rough patches here and there, but it's still so close after your mom's death.

Hangingon, hang in there.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

How do you finally talk about this stuff, will it get easier?

go slow; do what you can but don't push yourself; it will get easier in time. Everyone's "time" is different though, so don't go comparing yourself with anyone else and don't let anyone else tell you that "you should be done by now" (yr T will never do that, but other people can and it's amazing).

think if a beloved friend had lost her loved mother, how gentle you would be with her, how considerate of her feelings. well, do that for yourself too. take care

(((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))

My dad died almost 5 years ago, and I haven't been able to say anything negative about him in T yet....although obviously, he played into the family dynamics that I grew up in that sent me to therapy in the first place (this sentence is the most I've ever said about that, actually!). It's really hard.

Just take it at a pace you can handle. It sounds like your T is very gentle and understanding about it, and that is so important and good. Be gentle and understanding with YOURSELF. There is no hurry.

[MissCharlotte]

((hanginon))

I lost my mom 15 years ago, 8 days before my youngest son was born. It was so painful and just last week I told T some things I never told anyone about her illness and how difficult it is to love her and be angry with her about my lonely & neglectful childhood. These things take so much time and only happen when we are ready to release them. I have an idea, can you write a letter to your mom explaining how you feel about the issue? Then maybe you can burn it and let the ideas float up into the universe...where she can connect with them.

At any rate, please take care of you. And allow yourself to take as much time as you need.

[hangingon]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me. I can see that there is no time limit to when one is ready. I know I need to work on these things because of this guilt I feel that I am in some way responsible for her perhaps giving up easily.

My T tells me it's not my fault that she got sick, rationally, I know that but she was a strong women and she gave up way too easily. I feel like what I shared with her a few months before her cancer was too much for her. I have wish so badly that I could take it back.

Miss C, thank you for your advice; I have written my mom a long letter, I am ok for awhile and then it hits me again. I just need to work through this but its too painful to say anything about her except that I love her and want her back.

[phoenix7]

its over 12 years for me - things do get easier - I still have regrets - thats human - you cant change the past - I think from what you have said that you can be sure that your mum loved you and would have given you the hug then that you need now - sometimes I imagine my mum givng me a hug just before I go to sleep when the night seems so dark - maybe you could too -