I feel so blah after my session today.

The session was really fine. We spent most of the session talking about the situation with Teacher T - I am supposed to meet with her next Friday and can't decide whether or not I should go. T doesn't know either - he says I am not being "black and white", that what I am saying is RIGHT, and really, it's all up to teacher T and how she responds. He thinks it would be okay for me to just be "done" with her now and not even go meet with her, or to go meet with her and see what happens. I guess it feels good to have outside verification from someone who knows both sides of the whole story that I am not being crazy or unreasonable....but it still leaves me in a quandry about how to proceed.

Anyhow, I got tired of talking about it and about having to come from such an adult place. I have too many adult things going on right now - my own health issues, issues with my autistic son, my oldest waking up with something really wrong with his neck today, my old cat being sick, having to take care of my adult alcoholic mom, my husband going through a depression (he has SAD), a crazy busy schedule, etc., etc. I think I needed to just go and rest and let T take care of me instead of working on all of this adult stuff.

When it was time to leave, I totally pulled back. He could feel it and asked about it, and I told him I didn't know why (because I didn't). It was just - bang, walls up, see you later. Why???? I left the session really shut down, in that 'I don't care if I ever see T again" place...not his fault AT ALL, just me and my craziness.

I could feel little me pulling at me, wanting to be heard and loved, but I felt like I *had* to stay adult all session. Maybe that was it. T asked me over and over again during session, "what do you need"? and I DID say "I need to be taken care of" - but I sort of said one thing and did another.

Anyhow, I'm left feeling really blah, and sad, and kind of incomplete and not satisfied. Oh well, I guess that's how it just is sometimes. At least I have a place to come and complain!!

That's it.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I feel so blah after my session today.

The session was really fine. We spent most of the session talking about the situation with Teacher T - I am supposed to meet with her next Friday and can't decide whether or not I should go. T doesn't know either - he says I am not being "black and white", that what I am saying is RIGHT, and really, it's all up to teacher T and how she responds. He thinks it would be okay for me to just be "done" with her now and not even go meet with her, or to go meet with her and see what happens. I guess it feels good to have outside verification from someone who knows both sides of the whole story that I am not being crazy or unreasonable....but it still leaves me in a quandry about how to proceed.

Anyhow, I got tired of talking about it and about having to come from such an adult place. I have too many adult things going on right now - my own health issues, issues with my autistic son, my oldest waking up with something really wrong with his neck today, my old cat being sick, having to take care of my adult alcoholic mom, my husband going through a depression (he has SAD), a crazy busy schedule, etc., etc. I think I needed to just go and rest and let T take care of me instead of working on all of this adult stuff.

When it was time to leave, I totally pulled back. He could feel it and asked about it, and I told him I didn't know why (because I didn't). It was just - bang, walls up, see you later. Why???? I left the session really shut down, in that 'I don't care if I ever see T again" place...not his fault AT ALL, just me and my craziness.

I could feel little me pulling at me, wanting to be heard and loved, but I felt like I *had* to stay adult all session. Maybe that was it. T asked me over and over again during session, "what do you need"? and I DID say "I need to be taken care of" - but I sort of said one thing and did another.

Anyhow, I'm left feeling really blah, and sad, and kind of incomplete and not satisfied. Oh well, I guess that's how it just is sometimes. At least I have a place to come and complain!!

That's it.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Earthy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think it's PERFECTLY NORMAL to feel and behave the way you do right now because of all of the things you have going on!

It's hard to tell other people our needs if we don't really know exactly for one--- like when your brain is foggy due to all sorts of important issues stacking on top of each other.

You have a lot going on. I wish you didn't take care of your alcoholic mother... she needs treatment and I wouldn't put up with/enable her. My dad is an alcoholic (ACTIVELY) and as such, we don't have that much of a relationship. I can tell you one thing...I personally would never be able or want to deal with taking care of my alcoholic dad. Sorry Dad! My way, or the highway! Yeah, to me that issue is black and white.

As far as the husband with SAD---he needs to go to counseling, and/or exercise on a daily basis. You also should also see about getting him one of those special lamps designed to help with people who have SAD. I'd go to Ebay, then Target online, then Walmart online to get one or two relatively cheap. They are supposed to work wonders!

I'm sorry your feeling so blah. Hugs from Sam

[searchingmysoul]

((((((earthmama))))))

Feeling blah stinks.

It does sound like you just have so much going on right now...It doesn't leave much room for fun or lightness... Maybe you can make some room to give yourself (or little earthmama) some TLC in a very small way today. Even 10 minutes could make a big difference.

I left a message for T - well, a series of messages, because it cuts me off before I'm done - asking for my post-appointment voice mail and telling him what I need, that I didn't get in session today. He hasn't called He is going out of town for the weekend, and I'm afraid he's already left, which means no message for me

So, the "blah" continues.

I will try to do something nice for me or little me, but it will be hard, because I am so overwhelmingly busy and tired. I just want SOMEONE ELSE to do something nice for me. How's that for not being adult???

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I left a message for T - well, a series of messages, because it cuts me off before I'm done - asking for my post-appointment voice mail and telling him what I need, that I didn't get in session today. He hasn't called He is going out of town for the weekend, and I'm afraid he's already left, which means no message for me

So, the "blah" continues.

I will try to do something nice for me or little me, but it will be hard, because I am so overwhelmingly busy and tired. I just want SOMEONE ELSE to do something nice for me. How's that for not being adult???

((((((((((((((((((((EM)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I want you to leave the kids with a relative/babysitter and go out to a nice dinner with your husband. He should take you out. Sounds like he needs to get out of the house too.

If not, take the kids with.
Then, see a movie or rent a movie.
Plan something fun for tomorrow too.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Anyhow, I'm left feeling really blah, and sad, and kind of incomplete and not satisfied. Oh well, I guess that's how it just is sometimes. At least I have a place to come and complain!!

(((((((((( em ))))))))))
not qualified to offer you a couch but you are more than welcome to pull up a chair and have a cup of tea. Complaining is fine, too.

Updatte: T called. I him!!

He left me a message and talked about the fact that adult me wouldn't check out so little me could get what she needed. He looked at his own part in it, which I love about him. He wondered what we could do differently so we could be sure that whoever needs to connect can come out and connect. He said he felt like little me was wanting to connect but that adult me was aware we were almost out of time, so I just shut down instead.

I LOVE that he looks at his own part when things happen in T (his own part in this is his blah, blah, blahing that he gets lost in sometimes). I know that next time I see him he will try to connect with all of me.

So, I feel better. Little me feels A LOT better - like he knows she's there and he cares and he'll be there for her when he comes back from his weekend trip.

Adult me is still way too busy! But, one thing at a time...I'll get though it.

[queenie123]

((((earthmama))))
it's so good that he called you and that both you and little you are feeling better.

[sunrise]

Glad you got such a nice call from T. You and your T have such a nice partnership. You each contribute so much.

I could feel little me pulling at me, wanting to be heard and loved, but I felt like I *had* to stay adult all session.

Does your adult also want to be heard and loved sometimes, or is that just a need your child has? If your adult gets those needs met in session, does the child feel better too?

he says I am not being "black and white",

I really like that. Sometimes something is black. Or white. Not everything is in the gray.

Good luck with your Teacher T. I hear a lot of ambivalence there, from both you and T. It's OK. If you do go, I hope you can protect yourself, if need be. Would you be able to handle the worst that might happen? It could be very empowering to go, but I want you to be safe.

You sure have a lot going on in your life, EM.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Does your adult also want to be heard and loved sometimes, or is that just a need your child has? If your adult gets those needs met in session, does the child feel better too?

Huh - that's a really interesting question, one I hadn't thought of.

I guess grown up me DOES want to be heard and loved - but little me *knows* beyond a shadow of a doubt that T loves her and will take care of her. There's no question, no wondering, no longing...it just IS. She was the first to trust T, by many, many months, and she LOVES him. Grown up me "knows" too much - that people sometimes hurt each other, that sometimes we trust people who aren't trustworthy, etc - and she is much more wary and careful. Little me is just like "yay! you love me!". We can just play, and talk about wishes, and make up pretend stories, and it feels so good and so healing for that little part of me. Grown up me would never buy that stuff SO, it does feel good when he cares for and hears the grown up that I am, but it's not the same.

As for the meeting with Teacher T (I can't multiquote) - you asked if I can protect myself and handle the worst that could happen. I guess that is the question, and that's what T and I mulled over for the entire session today. Like, if I *know* that what I feel is the truth, can I be strong enough to deal with whatever she might say?? Or am I just setting myself up to be hurt?? T said he almost wants to call her and say 'Earthmama really needs to hear you say x, y, and z", but we both agreed that it was a bad idea - because I need to see where Teacher T is coming from, without any outside coaching. That's the only way I'll know if I can continue working with her. I AM ambivilent. I'm glad I have a week to decide if I am going to go see her. The extra bad part is I can see her OR T for the second session of the week, not both (my schedule won't allow it), so I have to give up a session with T to see her. Yow.

[searchingmysoul]

earthmama

I am so glad to read that your T called!

[phoenix7]

Your T sounds wonderful - I am so glad you and little Earthmama has him - I hope you still do something nice for you the adult as well as you the child - you know they both deserve some fun

Maybe the adult needs to learn from the child and ask for her needs to be met - Im glad T rang - I hope things go well for you with Teacher T -

[sittingatwatersedge]

your T is very wise. Hope it goes well for you.

[peaches100]

Your t sounds like a very good one! I love the way he handled the situation and looked at his own part in it. He sounds like he really cares.

[Sannah]

EM, you have a lot of responsibilities. Does it sometimes wear you down? When my youngest started kindergarten 2 years ago I felt this mourning feeling. I figured out that I wasn't mourning that my youngest was in school. I was mourning what I had given up for almost 8 years and what had just returned - psychological peace! Being a stay home mom is a lot of work and you are home schooling on top of that and on top of that is the fact that your one son needs extra attention.......... You are taking care of everyone else and I think that deep inside there is a question maybe? "When will it be my turn?"

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Being a stay home mom is a lot of work and you are home schooling on top of that and on top of that is the fact that your one son needs extra attention..........

Wow, EM, you are home schooling? I think there should be a special award for that. My brother & sister in law are home schooling too. Believe me, you will really see the payoff of this hard work in your kids!
<EM>