[sittingatwatersedge]

My T tells me now and then that she doesn’t direct people, and that she doesn’t push people, but apparently the price I am going to have to pay for giving in and calling her to talk 20 minutes between sessions is having her make it very clear what she expects us to talk about the next time we get together.

Which is tomorrow. And I feel very resentful. I was looking forward to going but now I feel sort of like I am going to be on the carpet, and it makes me angry. All this time she has spent telling me that I am too apologetic for myself and she wants to focus on this one thing that all my life people have (acted like I should apologize for, and and I have been doing it and not believing that I really have to.

If I get my anger straightened out, what the anger is causing ought to right itself also, yes? but at the moment, all I have is my anger, and it seems that there's a lot more of it than I thought was in here.

I feel sort of persecuted. Good grief, I went to the grocery store at lunchtime and bought paper towels, which is innocent enough, and when I opened them I find that they have SAYINGS on them like, “secrets are best whispered” and “a burden shared is half as heavy.”

Bah. Humbug.
Signed
grouch

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

but apparently the price I am going to have to pay for giving in and calling her to talk 20 minutes between sessions is having her make it very clear what she expects us to talk about the next time we get together.

So are you saying here that your T is not one to push; but she made it very clear that if you put something on the table, she expects that you make some effort during the next session to talk about it?

If so, I can relate to this situation. I was having A LOT of difficulty communicating LIVE with my T. At one point I was totally frustrated, wrote her a letter that disclosed a lot of "stuff", sealed it in an inside envelop mailed it to her with a cover letter. In the cover letter I stated the nature of the content of the inside letter. I also explicitly and direct stated..."If you open the inner envelope, I DO NOT want to see this letter or listen to you read from it during my next session."

The only reason I was able to actually attend the next session was because I thought my T would respect my wishes, at least in the short-term. This was NOT the case. As soon as I sat on the ugly couch, T whipped out that inner letter and began to read from it. I could NOT believe it! I was shocked, embarrassed, angry, everything at once. I don't even remember the rest of the session. I think I just sat there staring at the floor in shock. Later that night it hit me and I fired off a heated email telling her that I did not appreciate her actions.

I learned a very clear lesson that day. I can email, write, maybe even call (never tried it) her between sessions. However, I cannot dump stuff in her lap and not expect her to try and address it. We never talked directly about that session or if she deliberately/accidentally disregarded my request. We probably should have, but I'm pretty sure her actions were deliberate, but not meant to hurt or punish me for disclosing that way.

As I reflect on this situation now. I think she could have been a bit more gentle in her handling of the situation. But she wouldn't have been a good therapist if she had done what I asked. She couldn't just pretended that the letter hadn't been sent and not try and deal with the contents in an open and direct way. Obviously, part of me WANTED that information out on the table and discussed. It just took me another six months to actually make it a two-way conversation.

My long-winded point is whatever you disclosed or talked about in that 20 minutes, is likely something at least some part of you wants to address. One 20-min phone exchange probably doesn't "address" it. Its out there, you've broken the ice, you will handle the rest of it.

[Brightheart]

Most of my entire therapy was done by writing letters to my T in between sessions. I wrote about all about my feelings brought up by the previous session. He would read them silently to himself during my sessions and comment on what he thought was pertinent. At first I even made him go outside of the room. I would have been horrified if he'd ever read them out loud. These letters would take me hours and hours to write. It was very helpful. I have verbal/receptive issues so this was the best I could do. It was a place to start and I think that could be good for you to. So you started with the phone conversation and you can move forward from that during your session.

[madisgram]

hey, me too. my T told me in no uncertain terms, "i was to direct the therapy, etc. what i put into it was what i'd get out of it. it was not his place or job, to let me sit back and be passive about things that bothered me. i needed to take ownership of my therapy not the other way around."
well yeah i got mad but then i really thanked him later. he helped me immensely by saying that to me. so it sounds like your T really is a caring T that wants you to benefit from your time slot.
i've had other T's that i'd be paying for that could care less what i did or didnt' say. they were just collecting money. course they'd see me for 2 visits and i'd be gone cause they really weren't interested in helping me if they allowed me to slide through an unfruitful session twice. that is their "job"...to insist we take ownership of our own therapy.

[MissCharlotte]

(sitting)

Here's what I learned about phone calls. It's easier to dump stuff outside of session because then we don't really have to face it in-session. I did it many times--unconsciously of course but T forced me to deal with more and more face-to face and it has deepened our relationship, and allowed for him to care for me better and me to know that. I used to call much more than I do now, and when I did, T would often say, "let's talk about that phone call." I didn't realize that what was happening was that he wanted me to bring more INTO session than I was willing to. But now, it is obvious that's what has happened because I have disclosed much more of my intimate feelings recently. It used to be easier for me to talk to him on the phone than it is face to face. But yesterday I was worrying about possible snow and not being able to get to session this week and I realized that I didn't want to have a phone session--that I'd rather SEE him.

Sooooo what am I telling you? I don't know really, but it's worth the risk to say things face to face. Ultimately, it's more real.

Oh, and those paper towels made me laugh! Feel better.

(((((((((((((((((((((((sitting))))))))))))))))))))))

I have learned that if I don't want to talk about something in session, I better not tell it to T in an e-mail or phone message between sessions!! He really DOES let me direct the sessions, usually, but if I make a big disclosure, he will bring it up. And if I say, I really do NOT want to talk about that, he'll ask innocently, "well, can we talk about not talking about it?" . And I'll say yes, and somehow, we always do end up talking about "it" at least a little bit. And it's okay.

It's hard to believe when we don't want to talk about something, but it actually IS better to talk about this stuff. It's why we're in therapy! And as scary as it seems, we HAVE to talk to get better. The things I have talked about the most are the things I have the most peace about -and they are some SCARY things, for real. The things I've avoided talking about are the things that still haunt me.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((sitting))))))))))))))))))))))) Good luck at your session. Come back and tell us how it goes, okay??

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by earthmama

The things I have talked about the most are the things I have the most peace about -and they are some SCARY things, for real. The things I've avoided talking about are the things that still haunt me.

Damn! this is true for me too. I really hate to acknowledge it for some reason... Probably because I really don't want to talk about what is really bugging me at the moment. I H.A.T.E talking about stuff! Guess I have to decide what I hate more the haunting or the discomfort of talking.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Damn! this is true for me too. I really hate to acknowledge it for some reason... .

Honestly, when I typed that, it was the first time I had acknowledged it to myself. But man, it is the TRUTH.

[sittingatwatersedge]

About writing letters etc , "not to be shared in session" - there is actually a name for this (Sunny may know it, I don't remember) and yes, it's something they watch out for.

Still I think there are ways and ways of bringing something up. "Can we talk about that phone call" is a pretty good way; whipping a letter out and starting to read it aloud is a clumsy way (IMO). in our phone call my T brought up this subject, not me, which is why I was feeling forced. She has done it once before, and she's like, "I've noticed that you are very resistant (or sensitive) to talking about ____." so then of course I have to say something.

You have no idea how much you folks have helped me on this. I was truly running from the problem, when what I have to do is face it (yikes).

Thanks above all for caring. I haven't been on PC long, but how did I ever get through some of this stuff without hearing from you who have gone through before (and done well I might add) So... I will try to give it my best shot. you're the greatest

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

, "I've noticed that you are very resistant (or sensitive) to talking about ____." so then of course I have to say something.

Ooooh yes these prompts are difficult. My T will often plant a seed by making a comment or statement then let it go. I usually pick them up later after the session. These are often what I repond to via email between the session. Little comments like..."Hmm, I wonder if you are avoid her." Or "That's interesting, what do you think was behind that reaction?" A lot of times I don't the prompt until later when the anxiety is less.

Early in my therapy I was so resistent to responding at all. My T has mentioned abuse a few times as kind of a brainstorming for possible reasons for things. Every time I just let it drop like I didn't hear it. Finally at one point something came up and my T refused to go forward without me answering her question. "___, you weren't sexually abused we you?" I remember she asked this 3 times that session before I finally acknowledge the question with, "well, it depends on how you define abuse." Man did I pay for that response!

[Sannah]

Sitting, I am sorry that you feel angry. Your anger is a very healthy response though to whatever happened to you. One good thing about anger is that it can be motivating and it can give you some power, something we all need to be healthy. I don't even look at anger as a bad thing anymore. You can do this and it will be good for you and your healing............

[searchingmysoul]

Sitting

I know this is a delayed response, but I hope your session goes well today and I am thinking of you.

I too have experienced what you and everyone has talked about here. And now I just expect that if I call between sessions that I will have to "pony up" in my next session and talk about whatever it was that prompted me to call between sessions. It happened this last week actually...I called my T because I needed to and I was a mess. In my session yesterday we talked about my call, what was happening for me, things that had transpired at the end of my last session, things that had come up for me etc... I had some really healing moments in my session yesterday...Much of that surrounded the concept of "calling for help" and that the person I call to cares enough to check in on me after...

(Maybe the universe was trying to send you a message via your papertowels...You never know)

[phoenix7]

I dont have anything to add - I just wanted to say I hope your session went well

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

... I am sorry that you feel angry. Your anger is a very healthy response though to whatever happened to you. One good thing about anger is that it can be motivating and it can give you some power, something we all need to be healthy. I don't even look at anger as a bad thing anymore. You can do this and it will be good for you and your healing............

thank you for this!
St. Francis de Sales wrote (my paraphrase) that anger is a good servant, it can get a lot of work done in a short period of time; however, he added, "keeping animals in the house is not good for the furniture".