[del12]

Tomorrow I see my T and it really hit me today that I am really nervous about going. Last week something made me shut down at the end and I wanted to bolt out of thaat office. Looking back I realize I feel this way a lot right before my session, but normally I am at work the day before and my mind gets filled with work stuff, but today was holiday and all day I kept thinking Oh No I have to go tomorrow. There is a part of me that looks forward to going because I so want to get better. I feel so confused about therapy, I talk myself into thinking I don't need it so maybe I'll cancel to what would I do if I couldn't go and talk to someone. I need it.
I was wondering do others feel that way? What do you do to get yourself centered again and realize it is okay and nothing is going to happen that you can't handle.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( del12 ))))))))))))))

When I first started therapy I made a commitment to myself to go to every appointment possible, this has helped me out when I don't want to go. Maybe you could write out a contract with yourself that you will go to all appointments. Try to relax and do some self soothing exercises, it couldn't hurt to be relaxed. Here are some hugs

[jacq10]

I think its very normal to feel this way. I personally have been in therapy for a couple years now and I still feel nervous before EVERY session! I'm normally an anxious wreck when I first get in there, but after I'm there and hear my T talking, your nerves calm down.

If you are finding that the anxiety is getting really bad, can you think of anything that you might be able to do to distract yourself? It sounds to me like your work was a good place for you to be before your appt, is there something that can keep you pre-occupied at home? Or perhaps, even journaling about why you're scared could help you to get it out of your system?

Hang in there, and try to go to your appt if you can. Feel free to even bring it up with your T, maybe him/her will be able to do some routines at the beginning of the session to help calm you down?

Jacq

[chaotic13]

I felt like this a lot for a long time too. Even now as the therapy hour approaches I can feel my heart rate increase. I think as you continue in the process you just accomidate to it. I've been really busy the last week and have not thought much about therapy... but tonight I have been in a very reflective mode. Tomorrow, I will likely shift into anxiety mode.

The good news is...at some point you figure out that there is a cycle to these feelings. In the end when the cycle is over, you feel a lot better...until of course the next session approaches :-)

[hangingon]

Del12
I can very much relate. Two weeks ago I opened up and shared something intense with my T. Two days after that I was a mess out of no where, so I emailed her and told her I could not talk about really emotional issues right now. She emailed back saying I could talk about what ever I wanted. So I get there and the talk is light, but before I walked through her door, I wanted to run. I was a nervous wreck.
Anyways, I actually opened up and told her how I was feeling, something I rarely ever do. She was very happy that I didn't leave. Then we discussed my feelings around wanting to leave. I felt much better after leaving last week.
Here is the thing, I go back tomorrow and I am already nervous about it, I'm not sure why. I have been trying to figure that out. Perhaps it's because I actually opened up and shared stuff with her, let her see a side of me that I never let people see. Maybe that scares me. Yeh, that scares me, I hate being vulnerable and I fear connection because it's always resulted in loss in that past.

Perhaps, you can go in there and be as honest as you can about what your feeling. I found that worked pretty well.
hangingon

[del12]

Well I saw my T. It was different. I was a bit nervous we chatted about work etc.. and then asked how things were going. I talked about shutting down last session and that I had a hard time writing down my thoughts and feelings. Well we touched on some other things and it was brought up that I censor my thoughts and feelings during therapy. I thought Well of course! My brain get muddled sometimes in therapy I guess I am worried about telling my true thoughts. My T thinks that I might be depressed. Of course I said No way.
After leaving I thought about my session and I have come to the realization I don't trust my T with my thoughts and how I really feel. I am very guarded. So I think that I might have to write this down so that next time I can tell my T my true thoughts about therapy and not start putting up those walls and get all muddled and unable to complete my thoughts. I did have a scare when my T asked if I should change my schedule from once a week to every other week. My first thought was oh my t wants to dump me becasue I am frustrating to work with. I really didn't anwer and finally said what do you think. My T's answer was once a week. I was relieved but those doubts about dumping were still there. I know that before I go on with this therapy I need to come clean about my inablility to trust and that I need some guidance (strong) to get me to open up and feel free to express my thoughts struggles and feelings. I don't know how long it will take me to really be able to open up and trust my T. I need to do that. I think it is so hard! Any advice?

((((((((((((((((((del12)))))))))))))))))))))))

It's so hard, isn't it? Like I said in LLT's thread, it was a rupture with T that made me really go in there and express some feelings for the first time. I had sort of reported on some things, like "this happened to me, that happened to me" but really, just REPORTED, no feelings involved whatsoever. It wasn't until I was so angry and hurt after one session that I showed him how I was feeling, and that sort of paved the way for more feelings later on. MOST of my feelings, especially early in therapy, were about the T relationship...and I just forced myself to be completely honest about everything.

I was so worried about being judged. I had spent my whole life putting on this "show" and was really KNOWN by everyone I know as this person who had it all together, who could handle any amount of stress with a smile, etc....when inside, I was falling apart. I finally showed some of that inside to T - but for months and months I made a big point of telling him "this is NOT how I am outside of therapy". I was so worried he thought I was out there in the world being this big pile of needs and feelings.

Now I DO express my needs and feelings outside of the room, quite a bit more than I used to. When my friend just died, I cried in front of other people, I told another friend I needed him to hold my hand for the funeral...I didn't try to act "Okay" - and what I got in return was love, and my needs met, and no judgement whatsoever. I learned in T that that was possible.

SO. I guess where I am going with this babbling is that I started right where you are....and no matter how uncomfortable it made me, I was honest with T about everything - how hard it was to open up, how I would never cry (ha!), that I didn't have feelings, etc. I don't even know how it happened, but somehow, slowly, just by talking about that stuff, other things came up, feelings followed, and I started to change inside. I still have a lot of work to do, but I do feel more hopeful now (most of the time)

I think you are on the right track...and yeah, it IS hard, really, ridiculously hard. But it is worth it, I think