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#1
Mar 11, 2009, 01:36 PM
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You know T said to me once that I don't let her help...it wasn't said as simply as that nor suddenly it was part of a conversation...I remembering answering saying in a very rough shot way "I'm here aren't I?" actually it was more cockney than that it was more "I'm ere ain't I?" LOL!! (oops sorry, my sense of humour) and she replied "yes your here", (no cockney for her)LOL
So yesterday I was wanting to escape and sedate myself perhaps with a touch of codiene and couldn't think of a way not to do that, until I allowed myself to admit that I so wanted contact with T, so I emailed her saying no reply was needed, I Just needed a small amount of contact with her and just knowing I'd emailed would be enought of a defences..T replied 7mins later and said, "finding alternatives was good and reaching out was the next step adn I had done both! REACHING OUT - yes this is the biggest struggle I have, I don't realise I even consiously do this, not reach out, I think this is also why I feel spritually dead, because all my life I've had to rely on me and have never learnt that REACHING OUT is a good thing and a comforting thing to do...Its always been a bit like fishing in the dark...but just that communication with T yesterday has kept me "filled up" since..I reached out and she responded positively...she didnt' scream or shout at me...This feels a bit like learning to walk all over again...
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#2
Mar 11, 2009, 02:05 PM
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((((((((Mouse))))))))
This post spoke to my heart today. Just yesterday I had a similar experience...I have been struggling through some things and called T to check in, which is huge. I also said that she didn't need to get back to me in my msg. The flip side for me, though, is that I think I really did want her to return my call and acknowledge my "reaching out" (which she didn't 'cause I said I didn't need her to). Interesting lesson for me this struggle with reaching out and feeling like I am "of worth" enough for for someone to reach back.  Thanks for posting this Mouse!
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#3
Mar 11, 2009, 03:46 PM
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Oh Mouse,
On the way home from work today I found myself thinking of T (surprise, surprise!). And then I found myself convincing myself that the thoughts are not all-consuming like they used to be and how good I was doing that I haven't called at all this week--and last week when I called I told him I didn't need a return call, just needed to "get something out." So I was patting myself on the back when all of a sudden a deep ache from way way way inside of me welled up and I felt my eyes stinging with tears. I missed him so so much and just felt so bad and sad that he will never hug me and the limitations of the relationship made me feel cheated and gypped. Clearly I believe that not reaching out is to be rewarded.  Thanks to you too for the thread! 
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#4
Mar 11, 2009, 07:44 PM
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 ((((mouse))))Good for you for reaching out! Inspiring! I am going thru a rough patch myself and my T suggested that I reach out for support, esp since she will be out of the office all next week. I told her no. I am used to taking care of things on my own and that I will be fine. I hope I am able to have the courage to reach out to someone at some point down the line. It's hard to deviate from what you have conditioned to do for so long. Thanks for sharing!
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LLT |
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#5
Mar 11, 2009, 09:43 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))))))
Yes, reaching out and asking for help have always been BIG GIANT HUGE "NO"s for me. I was trained very well to keep things to myself, to rely on myself, to not ask for help, to deny my needs, and certainly not to expect that if I did have a need that it would be met. I'm in AA and that has been my biggest challenge - we're supposed to call people when we need help. Uhhh.....no thanks! I am SO bad at that, and even though intellectually I know it's crazy, I just can NOT do it. T is teaching me that reaching out is okay. I can reach out whenever I want...if I ask for a call or e-mail back, I'll get one, if I don't, I won't. That works for me, because I feel like I can just e-mail or leave a voice mail and it's not that big of a deal for him to listen to them. He has said MANY times that my needs are easy to meet, which has given me confidence to ask to have them met. I do go through what you were talking about Miss C - thinking that somehow I'm being "good" if I don't reach out for a long time, but really, I think I'm just denying myself something I need. That's not "good" - we were just raised to think that way. I haven't quite managed to transfer the ability to reach out that I've learned in T to other areas of my life....well, except maybe with H, actually...and here at PC!....but I hope I will someday.
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#6
Mar 12, 2009, 02:02 AM
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lol at your cockney comments.
That is great Mouse, I admire how you were able to let yourslef look straight at what you were feeling when you wanted to sedate and then that you reached out very directly and honestly. Good work! |
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#7
Mar 12, 2009, 04:04 AM
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Quote:
Naturally I know the lack of response/care/concern as a child was abnormal from the adults, but some things are hard learned. I'm always amazed when my T doesn't tell me to "shut the #### up" or something like that.
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--SIMCHA |
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#8
Mar 12, 2009, 05:08 AM
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Quote:
   me too! To the extreme. I imagine T simmering, then reaching some limit and saying "Okay, that's it--outta here!". Yes I tell her this and sometimes she playfully acts it out and then we laugh about it. 
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#9
Mar 12, 2009, 06:15 AM
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Em, I was in AA once, but to be honest it really never felt safe to reach out within that template, as most thought "tough love" was the answer..and having been raised with tough love it just triggered my PTSD more, even now I have to think carefully about who to reach out too, as the more I learn in therapy the more it scares me when someone hasn't really been in therapy and could be acting out their old wounds onto my reaching out, so I guess there still is for me a limit on where and to whom my reaching out is directed...
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
| pachyderm
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#10
Mar 12, 2009, 12:44 PM
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The struggle of reaching out versus coping alone resonates with me also! As a child, my needs were often not considered or not even noticed. I grew up not opening up emotionally to anybody. I didn't let people know when I was hurting, and did not expect them to help. Then one day as an adult, when I was suffering a deep depression, I did reach out to somebody, who seemed to offer genuine empathy and a desire to help. I got very attached, and allowed myself to be very vulnerable with her, to trust again after so many years of keeping everything inside. And got BURNED BADLY! I couldn't believe it: after decades of being closed up, I took one more chance to trust and connect . . .and ended up with the same rejection and abandonment theme I'd suffered as a child.
Since then, my heart has said NO MORE!!! I am a closed book when it comes to telling people how I feel, when I hurt, or even letting them help me. I know I am keeping myself isolated and lonely. But the alternative of getting close to somebody and being badly hurt again feels so much more threatening. There are 2 or 3 people in my life who act like they would like to be friends with me. But I just can't do it. I find myself making excuses when they invite me to do things. I try to be polite and smile, and am truly interested in listening to what they have to say. But there's a part of me internally that is fending them off with a 10-foot pole, saying "It'll be a cold day in *^&% before I'll let you in my heart or share my inner world with you." I feel too tender hearted and vulnerable. I just don't think I could take the pain of connecting with someone, coming to really care, and then being rejected again. I am terrified to even try. So. . .yeah. . .I totally understand how you're feeling when your t suggests you connect with others and you feel resistant. It's a self-protection thing. It's a two-edged sword. I hope that you will continue talking to your t about your feelings, especially when it comes to connecting with others. By avoiding connection, we may avoid being hurt again. But it keeps us trapped alone in our own internal prison. I hope someday, we will both find a way to trust and connect with the right people, in the right way, and be free. |
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#11
Mar 12, 2009, 02:23 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach) |
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#12
Mar 13, 2009, 09:53 AM
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Mouse,
I hope you'll continue on with this thread. Are you OK? |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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