T asked if I liked hugs

I had a pretty rough session tonight. I'm sorry I didn't bring up the email issue. Maybe one of these times.
I ended up chatting about all kinds of things before bringing up my relationships issues. We talked alot about that, then somehow we got to the topic of my moms death and school.

I told her how my school instructor really suggested I take the semester off but I told her that I couldn't that I needed to keep going. So I did and my class mates would come up to me and say how awesome I was doing and how they don't think they could ever do that.
Then I started to cry, I said they had no idea what I was feeling. I said my insides don't match my outside. I can go and do my thing and no one would ever really know what was going on inside of me. I said I get angry with myself for that. She said have you ever self injured, like cut, burn, try to hurt yourself ect. I said no but I have thought of something bad. She said can you explain that. Or somthing to that effect. I said there are times where I just want to die, where I feel like my life would be better off.

I said I have no intention of doing anything bad but when things get really hard I think about that. She said I was doing such a good job opening up and sharing about this. She then said I want you to know that people who have been abused often have thoughts of that. I felt much better knowing that I was not crazy having those thoughts. Then she told me that opening up like that is really good and that the more I do it the better it will get for me to be able to tell her how I really feel inside. We talked more, then she said, I think we should stop here, you worked really, really hard today.

As I was getting my jacket on she said to me, do you like hugs? She said I have lots to give. I said I wouldn't ask for one. She said, can I give you one, then said something to the effect of some people just feel better or more assured getting one.. I said sure and she gave me a nice big hug, it was really sweet of her.
I was just talking to someone last week about wanting a hug and how I would never ask. I am so glad my T offered one at such an important time for me.
It was a really difficult session opening up like that. I had this fear that if I told her about wanting to die sometimes, that she would want me to go to the hospital and there was no way I would do that. I have too much to do with school, it would mess everything up for me.
I pushed myself to tell her something really hard and personal but I am glad I finally opened up a little to her. I hope to get better at that. She was very reassuring.

Hangingon

Wow, hangingon....what an amazing session. I am so proud of you!!

It's amazing how scared we are to talk about certain things....and then when we finally do, the acceptance from T is so unexpected and so healing. It seems like she really heard you, and really wanted you to know that she understands and she cares. That is awesome.

((hangingon))

Your T sounds great and since you worked hard in your sessionyou deserve to do something extra special for yourself. It's SCAREY opening up. Even a little is HUGE! and might make it easier later...at least that is what i tell myself..maybe one day I will believe it.

Take care, hangingon...

Congratulations. It sounds like you were able to connect very well.

Wow, hangingon, you really let her in and it sounds very hard but rewarding too

It sounds like you feel alone in your pain. I hope you can feel the support of those around you too. I'm so glad yYou have an awesome and caring class and a wonderful T.

omg, that is so generous and caring! That must have felt so good.

Good work!

Earthmama,
Yes it was, I had no idea what she would do if I shared that stuff with her, but I was sick of keeping that a secret. If I don't share this stuff she won't really know whats going on. That doesn't mean I am going to go in next session and just blurt things out, but I am going to try to express the things I feel the best I can when I feel safe enough to do it.

LLT,
I am with ya, I can't imagine this stuff getting easier. In my head I only fear that things will get worse when I allow myself to be more vulnerable with her. Its far from easy.

Impatient,
Thank you, I hope thats the start of learning how to connect. I had to push myself.

Echos,
Thats exactly it, I told her I feel so alone, I mean I have roomates and friends but no one know what goes on inside my head. I just present myself as someone who is all together and strong. When I told her that my insides dont match my outsides, she said do you mean it feels like 2 different personalities. I shook my head yes. Crap....I guess I have to clarify that with her. I dont necessarily feel like two different people, I more feel like I can't let people see that side of me. Its too scary.

Yes, her hug was very kind. I can't believe I blurted out that I wouldn't ask, when she mentioned one, but thats the truth. If she hadn't asked I would have never known but would have secretly have wanted one.

Sanah,
Thank you, im trying

hangingon

Hangingon, your my hero again. Sounds like you are not horsing around and... wow, sounds like you are doing a great job (not perfect of course), but a great job non then less of taking the leap and communicating. The hug your T offered sounded really great. I don't care what other tend to say about T contact... the way this was done sounds very appropriate and safe.

I'm not sure what your mind tends to do with experiences like this. But if you are at all like me, and your mind tends to warp them into something else...I would strongly recommend you save this thread and look at it again when you start doubting what happened and whether you deserved to be with such kindness. What you posted here says....it was really helpful and YES you deserved to be given a hug for taking that leap. (((hangingon))) there another cyber hug for sharing this positive T experience.

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. You are very brave, and I'm so happy you got the comfort you have been looking for.

I'm so glad your t offered you a hug after such a difficult session! It sounds like her way of telling you "Well Done!"

Chaotic,
My mind did go in different directions lol. Like for one, I had wondered why now after 2 1/2 months of seeing her did she finally ask if I like hugs? I saw my other T for a year and not one time did she ever ask, there were times I certainly wanted one but would never ever tell her. My new T offered and that was huge for me because I wouldn't ask in fear of rejection. But to me hugs are comforting. I can't say I was 100 percent comfortable because this is new for me but it was really nice and I don't think I would refuse one.

My mind did run right to the thoughts of, did she only do this because I showed a really vulnerable side of me, like she was praising me for my hard work. Did she do it because she cares? What if I don't work hard, will I still get that? Yep, my mind ran a bit with it, but it was really nice.

However, I keep telling myself that the hug may not always happen, and I don't want to leave dissapointed if it doesn't, but I imagine it would keep me guessing. I wouldn't mind a hug every session lol. Unless of course its one of those sessions that I am ticked off at her, but I haven't been that yet. She did ask a question once and I said no I don't like that (ever so softy), she said you can tell me that alot louder lol. She was giving me permission to express myself, something I rarely do. I thought that was funny.
Thanks for the cyber hug, here's one right back at you ((((((Chaotic)))))

Jacq10,
Thank you jacq, in reading other people's stories here, it has certainly helped me to push myself a little more in therapy.

Peaches,
Thanks, yeh, thats what I was thinking It's still scary to think of opening up more. For some reason the second day after a session I began spiralling, all these emotions spring up and thoughts like, should I have told her that, its it really ok to talk about this stuff, its talking about it going to make me worse off (because I do spiral after), ect...It's not easy thats for sure.

hangingon

My first thought was that she offered the hug because she felt she connected with you???????? I didn't think of it as a reward for doing good work. I volunteer at the elementary school by working with kids who are behind academically or socially. I get the urge to give them a hug when they make progress but it is because I'm so darn happy and I want to connect with them!

Sannah
If that were the case, I would like that because I personally have such a hard time connecting with people beyond the surface level.

(((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))

I think hugs are totally something to talk about in therapy (as awkward as that sounds!)

When I started therapy, I was so freaked out about the idea of my T EVER even kind of coming close to touching me that I practically walked out of there with my back against the wall after ever appointment, keeping one wary eye on him the whole way.

The story of how we worked up to hugs is a long one (and I won't bore you with it here!), but there was a time when we talked about hugs a lot. It wouldn't feel "right" to me if it was a "reward" for a job well done...because if I didn't get one, I would feel like "did I not do a good job?" T and I talked about hugs as a way to connect, and to sort of symbolize that whatever happens, we are still connected and the same.

Do you think you will discuss the hug in your next appt with her??

Here are some more <- (not a reward; just because I like you!)