Help, please help. T and I may be over.

I am so upset. I don't know if i can see my T anymore. I can't breathe right now.

I have been feeling like a few things are missing from my T lately. Since i have such trouble with boundaries, i feel like shes been super firm and lacking in the sympathy department. She has a very blunt way of saying things. like "this is how it is, deal with it" kinda talk. She leaves me with a lot to "think about" instead of disecting my thoughts in the therapy room. I feel we sometimes enter a power struggle to be in control. She taught me to say how i feel and what i need but when i try it with her she takes it as me being critical of her and defends that she knows how to do her job. I love her so much, and shes taught me such great things...shes been encouraging and a great cheerleader.

So i decided maybe i need a break from her. A few weeks being apart and maybe things will be refreshed. She'll be happy to see me again and seem interested again. I called and left her a message saying these things. I told her i was too dependent on her and i felt like we weren't working on that. I said this was hard for me to do and that i would miss her a lot, but i felt like right now a break would be beneficial for both of us. I said that i know i owe her a fee of $200 something (it orginally was 300 but she was cutting me a break) and i told her i would drop off a check.

a few days came and went and i of course didn't go to our apt. she didn't call me or anything, and although i wasn't doing it to get a reaction out of her, i was still curious to see what it would be. When i realized i wouldn't be getting one, i relaxed and went on with my life feeling still stressed about it but ok knowing that i'd be going back when i wanted.

Today i got an email from her. It said, "Since the beginning of the year you have acrued a balance of 765.00. please start paying this off by dropping off a check."

WHAT! all she cares about is money???? How can i even believe she meant what she said when she told me she cared about me. and all of a sudden the balance is 600 dollars more??? and im just supposed to take her word for it??? how am i supposed to talk to her and go back to her and DO therapy. i've been looking for people to talk to about this, and i can't find anyone because usually i would be going to HER about this. She shouldn't be causing problems for me. I need her so much yet i dont know if i can go back to her. this isn't how i wanted it to end. i didnt even WANT it to end i just wanted a break. please be gentle i'm so vulnerable and upset.

((Krazibean))

I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. I am curious why you didn't drop off the check when you said you would? Could it be you were hoping it would make T contact you?

It sounds like you are confused. You say you have a lack of boundaries and that she has been firm with you yet encouraging. This doesn't feel like a reason to take a break. Taking a few weeks off when the going gets tough usually makes them even more difficult to deal with because they don't go away, they just grow bigger. I know it feels like it is too much to face sometimes, but it's usually better to try to deal with those things that make us most upset. It where we can grow the most. They are opportunities wrapped in pain.

I think you should drop off the check that you said you would and then ask for an appointment to talk about your need for a break and the additional money that she said is due. You and T have had a good relationship so I am sure that you two can work this through.

In the meantime, take gentle care of yourself.

((((Kbean)))) I'm sorry that your situation with your T seems to have gone a bit crazy. I would do the best you can to settle the outstanding balance. Then depending on how you feel, maybe meet once with her to find out why she treated you this way. It may just be a misunderstanding.

oh sweetie . hugs to you (((((krazibean)))).

i'm a bit practical, so forgive me for launching into the practical stuff first. re: the money. i think it would be a good idea to drop off the check for $200 immediately. this is how much you know you owe her, and it would be good idea for you to stick to your word.

secondly - is there any way of verifying how much you actually do owe her? have you kept notes/receipts of the times you did/did not pay her? i think it is essential that you figure out whether you really do owe her the money she claims you do. sometimes Ts make mistakes, but sometimes we do as well. if you do owe her the money she claims you do, i think it's very important that you pay her back. also, it's essential that she asked for it - this is her job, her livelihood. it's not about her caring for you or not, but she needs to pay her bills just like everyone else does. she has probably been kind to you whilst you continued to be her client, and let you keep an account, but a lot of clients when they say they want a 'break' do not ever return from that break, so Ts need to chase them up for monies owed before they lose touch with them altogether.

if you are certain that you do not owe her the amount she claims you do, i think you need to give her a call, or email if that's easier to sort it out. maybe she has made a typo, maybe she has added up someone else's account, whatever. but it is important that you pay her.

as for whether to return: i can understand why this would feel like such a rip in the therapeutic relationship . with my old T, i often felt locked in power struggles with him too - but if i called him on it, he was receptive to that and would become a lot more supportive instead of confrontational. if your T is taking everything like a personal attack, then it may be the case that you have outgrown what she is able to offer you.

i took a few breaks from my T, but i always discussed it with him in-session first. i found it useful just so that we could be clear that i really did intend to return (instead of taking a 'break' as meaning 'i'm not coming back'). i think the first time i took a break, my T really was surprised that i returned (clients must terminate that way often, huh?). but eventually he got used to it .

my suggestion would be this:
1) clear up the issue of what you owe her. firstly, figure out exactly what you do owe her and talk to her about it if you think there is a discrepancy. second - once you've both agreed to the sum, pay it all off immediately (if you can) or arrange a plan with her so that she knows it will be paid back in time. i think it would be too hard to find an emotional connection and safety when there are practical matters like this to be addressed.
2) when you have paid off the debt, or at least embarked on paying it off, send her an email addressing your concerns about where therapy is going/where the relationship stands. express to her your concern about how you feel like you are in a power struggle at times, and also that you feel she isn't receptive when you bring these issues up. see how she responds, and go with your instinct from there. if you decide to continue therapy, then great . if you decide that maybe your time has come to move on to someone else, then maybe you could go in for a termination session, to sum up/celebrate achievements/leave on a good footing. it will always help should you want to get in touch with her down the track.

eta: i'm sorry - i just read over my post. i sound strict and overly hung up about the money issue. i don't mean to be that way . i'm sorry if i hurt you at all - i'm really just trying to help, in my own bumbling way.

((((((((((((KB)))))))))))))) I hope you're doing OK despite this incredibly painful situation. I've had a couple of situations with T resulting from negative transference lately and I can tell you from experience how much it hurts. I too try to push T away when that happens but he keeps trying to engage me despite my efforts. I haven't canceled sessions or taken a break like you have but I have been tempted to. So I know where you are coming from.

I agree with the other comments here. I would encourage you to send the $200 you agreed to and to set up at least one more meeting with her to discuss the amount you owe her and whether you can continue working with her.

Let us know what you decide

krazibean,
Your T's email about the money has nothing to do with how much she cares about you. She probably doesn't make enough money to employ a bookkeeper so has to seek reimbursement from you herself. It's nothing personal, just the way she does business. It sounds like there is a discrepancy between how much you and she thinks you owe. I think you should pay her the $200 you think you owe her RIGHT AWAY--has it been long since your phone call to her saying you'd pay this $200? Then call her up and speak to her (don't try to leave a complicated message about finances). Just let her know that you checked your records and thought you only owed $200 and ask for clarification on her $768 figure. If you need to, you could tell her the dates you already paid her this year, the amounts, etc., so she could see that you have paid off her bills. You could also check your checking account to verify that she has cashed all the checks you've written her this month. Maybe she lost a check or it is sitting on her desk under a stack of papers and she just hasn't cashed it.

Once you get the money issue sorted out, you can think whether you want to return to therapy or what. But don't let this money thing fester and come between you. It sounds like a misunderstanding, that's all. You're jumping the gun thinking that this means you can't do therapy with her again. This needn't come between you if you pay and seek clarification right away. If she told you in the past that you only owed $200 then she has probably just made a mistake. Please sort this out for your own sake. You have too much history with this T to let a miscommunication mess things up.

There seems to be a lot for you to think about in all that is going on. I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((krazibean))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ouch - I'm sorry this is so painful.

What deli said does make sense.....that often when clients take a "break" they don't come back...perhaps this is her fear, and why she's trying to settle the balance with you. It does feel abrupt and impersonal, though, and I'm sure that hurts

The times I have felt the MOST like I want to leave T - or at least "take a break" - have been the times I have needed to go SEE HIM IN PERSON the most. During our biggest rupture, I was SO angry, and sent him an e-mail saying I was taking a break and may or may not come back. There were a lot of bad feelings flying around - mostly from me to him. He finally said (in an uncharacteristically firm manner) "I will not discuss this with you over e-mail. If you want to talk, I am available at 4:30 and will call you. Let me know". We did end up talking on the phone, and I went for an appointment the next day. That was months and months ago, and we are still going strong, although for a minute there, I thought it was as good as over. I really REALLY believe that as hard as it is, these sorts of things (breaks, feeling unsupported, etc) need to be addressed face to face if we are going to keep moving forward.

Like someone else said, if she is not giving you what you need anymore, maybe it is time to move on. OR maybe this is just a bump in the therapy relationship, and it will be worked out and you and she will grow together.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((krazibean))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sending LOTS of hugs - I know how painful this is...

I'm not good at the warm-and-fuzzy approach and being sensitive to emotions, so I'm just operating from a pure logic standpoint today:

Your first paragraph is all about problems you're experiencing with the therapy-- what you're talking about is very common; it's not unique to you and your T. It isn't even about problems with her--it's about your processing of things. You can only tell us so much, but what I hear from you are standard therapy patient concerns but that you two haven't processed adequately yet. It sounds like you've told us more about it than her.

Second, your approach to taking a break wasn't good: It should be done personally with a T in session where the issues can be addressed, but it's not like your approach isn't seen by T's all the time. The issue isn't taking a break; the issues(s) are the things you talked about in your first paragraph.

Maybe she didn't get your voice message. Do you know? That's a problem with indirect means of communication. If you did it personally--in person or phone conversation, you'd know what she heard from you.

Whatever you wrote here, maybe your message sounded hostile, aggrieved, maybe it sounded accusatory or condemning her. Maybe it sounded like an out and out termination. You don't know what she took in.

T's get patients who just drop out of sight never to be heard from again. Maybe she didn't get your message and thought your failure to show meant you just washed your hands of it.

On the money, maybe she or someone working with her inadvertently send you the wrong amount. Or any message at all. If she sent it intending that amount, maybe she forgot about giving you a break and sent that wrong amount instead.

You're trying to do a lot of mind reading with her.

The main source of your problems from your message to her forward is that you didn't use a good approach in communicating with her. Now you don't know what's going on with her and she probably doesn't understand what’s going on with you. The money thing probably is not her going back on her word.

I disagree with the suggestion about sending her a check first. I'd say contact her asap to talk--not voice message--about the overall stuff and not focus on the money. The money is secondary to your therapy relationship. Get a new session with her and get at the therapy relationship. In that session--not beforehand and not at the start of the sesssion, bring up the money. Don’t seem defensive or offensive about the money--maybe it was an error. Even if you don't continue doing therapy with her, a final session is needed for you to make sure you're on the same page—maybe there’s been major miscommunication. It also will be easier to address the money issue in context of your therapy relationship overall--it will be easier for her to recall the past discussion you had about it in person and in context.

Sorry, no emotional help here today. I'm in Mr. Spock mode presently in my own life.