[my3sns]

Well first of all let me say , that i dont honestly feel like i should be writing here at all , since i rarely reply to posts( i usually read most posts everyday , but just dont think that i can add anything productive so just stay quiet)
That said .... yesterday i had what had to have been the most unnerving session ever! When i first went in we were talking about a subject that although was upsetting , wasnt too awful . Somewhere in the middle of the session that changed drastically and i guess i must have been triggered in a huge way, because like all of the sudden i was curled up in a little ball , scared , confused , lost whatever... My T was pretty close to me and i remember her asking me if she needed to back up , but i absolutely could not speak a word .. all i could do was nod my head yes. During this time she continually was talking to me and asking me different questions , but still i could not utter a word, just shake my head or nod it. Several times i felt so confused as to where i actually was and who she was , despite this being my T for the last 3 + years and in the same office . I guess she figured this out , cause she did aske me if i knew her and where i was at. Again all i could do was shake my head , even though their were words running around in my mind that i thought i should say or wanted to say .. nothing. At one point i remember her asking me how old i was ... i could hear my inside voices clearly yelling that i am 41 , but nothing would come out at all. Finally after this going on for what seemed like an hour ( even though it didnt) she finally asked me what i needed to be safe or something like that , to which i looked at the door . After many more questions she finally asked me if i needed to leave , which i was able to nod yes , but still no sound. When i got out to the car i was still reeling , but at least felt a small sense of safety and basically just held on to the car for a few minutes . I imagine that my T must have been watching me , because soon after that she called me on the phone and wanted to know if it would be ok for her to come outside and help me to the car, now i have a voice ... go figure and say NO , please dont . She talked to me probably another 10 minutes , when i finally tried to drive away , so no one would notice that i was acting weird, but barely made it to the next driveway which is no more than 15 feet away from the T's driveway. There i sat for what must have been another 15 minutes , left there and made it another block down the road before i needed to stop again. It took me from 5 pm when i left t's office till nearly 7 pm to get home and i live about 15 minutes away ( traffic isnt an issue , as i live in the booneys) Although i do believe i remember most of the session , i dont know what happened to me and where the responsible , normal acting person went to . It has me completely freaked out , and i guess in some way a little pissed at my T for allowing me to leave in that state.. Yes i know i made the decision to leave , and i have some responsibility in this , but i am not sure that it was in my best interests to leave in that condition( by the way they close at 5 so there were no other appointments for the day). I am scared to death to go back and i am supposed to come back in on friday ( per her request , also had to check in today), but i dont ever want that to happen again . I dont ever want to feel like i was feeling again. I just dont know how i will manage to go back in and avoid talking about what happened . I dont get it ... why couldnt i figure out who she was ? Why couldnt i figure out where i was ? Why couldnt i speak? Why couldnt i move till i got permission? How the hell do i avoid this from happening again?

[Christina86]

((((((((my3sns))))))))))))

Not to go into details... but were you talking about abuse or something like that? I know that for a lot of people (myself included) that it can horribly trigger and you dissociate and basically some part of you comes out that... well, is and isn't YOU. Basically a "younger" you ... whatever part of you is holding onto the "bad stuff" that's happened in your past. I know it's scary, but I've never experienced it to that degree before. I'm sorry that it happened.

Perhaps you should tell T about how you felt afterwards, and then make sure you learn some grounding techniques so it's more easy to stay "present" in the moment? (Even though that is really hard)

It's hard to talk when memories and feelings (or even feeling like nothingness or that nothing seems real) get the better of us. Go easy on yourself! You did good - you got home in one piece. Perhaps in time you'll remember more about what happened in session, or you could ask T if you really wanted to know.

[my3sns]

To answer your question ... YES

((((((((((((((((((((my3sns))))))))))))))))))))))

I had an experience so similar to that early in therapy. Just like what you are saying....couldn't talk, barely knew where I was...and T kept asking me the same types of questions: "do you know where you are?" etc. And all I could do was nod or shake my head. Something we were talking about triggered me, and BAM, I was just gone.

The good news is, I did go to my next session, and it was okay. It didn't happen again (in that session, anyhow) and he only talked about what happened as much as I wanted to talk about it. It was a really normal session in most ways, and it made me less scared that it would happen again, and it helped me feel safe again in the room.

The bad (?) news is, although it didn't happen again right away, it has happened again, more than once. I'm trying to accept that it is part of what it's going to take for me to heal. There are parts of me that need to be felt, and heard, and understood. It's not fun, but it just is what it is.

I have had that experience you've talked about driving home - having to pull over a few times to get grounded. Maybe at your next session, an important topic will be how to get grounded before you leave if that happens again. That is something T and I work really hard on.

(((((((((((((my3sns))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you had such a scary experience. It sounds like your T is very caring and will help you through whatever it is you need to move through.

Sending lots of

[my3sns]

Thank you for listening . I would really like to delete this post though

[Mouse_]

my3sns, These reactions happen when we are talking about our most inner selfs if our most innerselfs have been traumatised in anyway, and trauma is different to everyone...its good it happened in a safe setting and trying to prevent it happening really isnt the issue, the issue is, accepting it happened and working through it.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((my3sns))))))))))))))))

I read your post and although I don't have any great advice, I want you to know I am glad you posted it. It sounds like a scary, difficult situation and you shouldn't have to sit with it by yourself until your next session.

I understand the feeling of wanting to delete a post, but really I think it is good you reached out for help here, so please don't feel bad about it. You deserve help and support and caring and it is my hope that you can find some strength and maybe even peace from processing the situation and hearing other's advice.

I liked Earthmama's advice on the possibilities for your next session.....probably a good idea to focus on grounding techniques.
I hope you give it a chance.
Hang in there, my3sns.....

[peaches100]

My3sns,

I have had something similar happen in therapy twice. It sounds like you dissociated. It is very scary, but it is not rare when it comes to people who have been through traumas. Many of us have pushed away scary experiences from our past, and when we begin developing more safety and trust in our therapist, those old feelings and experiences sometimes come up in therapy. We really did not have a way to work through that scary experience as a child when the trauma happened, so letting it come up now in a safe environment with a safe person (our therapist in therapy) will give you a chance to express those pent up fears and work through them. Ideally, though, our adult self remains present at the same time that those scary memories or feelings come up, so that we do not lose a sense of where we are or what is going on.

Trauma processing needs to be done slowly, in pieces, and it sounds like you got blindsided with too much too soon. It sounds like you are not at a point where you are ready to deal with some of these memories. My suggestion is to ask your therapist to "hold back" on trauma processing and help you develop more coping skills and containment abilities first.

Originally Posted by peaches100

Trauma processing needs to be done slowly, in pieces, and it sounds like you got blindsided with too much too soon. It sounds like you are not at a point where you are ready to deal with some of these memories. My suggestion is to ask your therapist to "hold back" on trauma processing and help you develop more coping skills and containment abilities first.

This is really wise. My T is big, big, BIG on "slowing down" when things get really out of control for me like that. It never hurts to slow down a little bit.

[my3sns]

Thank you so much to all who were able to offer comfort , experiences , advice ... everything . I still dont think i deserve any of it , but at the same time i need to hear that i am ok and that things can get better.