Ts do not care

Let me speak for myself so I do not disrespect anyone but Ts cannot possibly care for all their clients anymore than my doctor or my lawyer. I do not have a lawyer but if I did him too. My intent is not to be mean to anyone and I do not mean any disrespect especially to Ts but realistically they are human and emotional cannot care for all their clients. It is like believing in superman.

They certainly care about their work and will always do the best they can to heal but the rest is a situation they create for us to help us disclose information and feel comfortable. Anyways right or wrong, true or false think about it.

Xtree

I sometimes feel that way too....and I haven't been with my T long enough to create a close bond...I am sure it would feel devastating to me to have such close, strong feelings towards T and feeling that his feelings towards me are so much "less".

I guess it's the feeling that he could be less genuine than he comes off as....or wondering what he REALLY feels about me.

I don't agree, though, that they can't have true emotional feelings towards many clients. I think it's absolutely possible. I've always felt that there's no limit to caring...you don't run out of it....But, I do believe that T's are well trained not to carry those emotions outside of the session or else it would be overwhelming.

I've actually been talking about this with my T lately. I've been struggling with transference and such things. I do believe that they can care on some level for all their clients. I am a teacher, and even with 100+ students I do have real emotional feelings and real caring for each one of them. I imagine it must be similar with Ts. I don't spend all my free time thinking about all of them by any means, but I do have real caring and love for them. Some of them I care about more deeply than others, and there may be one or two that frustrate the heck out of me, but I still care. So, I guess I disagree. I think they can care, but their caring won't necessarily match my level of caring. And that's what I've been working on in T lately, is why that's so important to me that they match.

Tree, a mother can have many children and love each one. Like mixed_up said, I don't think you can run out of caring. A teacher can care for each one of his students. Maybe it's the level of caring you're talking about. It's limited, but it's still caring.

I used to tell my T that she didn't care about me. She didn't like my saying that. She showed me in many ways how much she does care about me. She sometimes gave me articles from the newspaper about something I was interested in. Yes, she told me she gave them to other clients too. But that didn't make it less caring that she did it for me. I feel inside that she cares about me. I hope I'm not deceiving myself.

I don't think the T relationship can ever be just like that of a lawyer or other doctor. I know it's not from our end, but I don't think it's like that for the T either. I know they don't think about us as much as we think about them, but I think the caring is genuine.

What brought this line of thinking on? Did something happen?

I think they can care, and their training and personalities allow and prepare them to do this. I think they can care intensely at times but also maintain their boundaries. I also believe a caring therapist is an essential part of the healing that can occur in therapy. I can tell this issue is very important to you, Xtree, and I hope you can find some peace.

This issue is not one that I have felt an intense need to explore or resolve. I feel kind of relaxed about it and haven't felt a need to have evidence that my T cares for me and or to talk with him about whether he cares about me more than I care about him or more than my doctor does. I guess I just feel his caring so don't need to question it. If I did not feel caring from him, but did care myself, it would be disturbing. It would be hard to let myself really care about him unless there was some reciprocity.

lila, that's what I was trying to say. I'm not a teacher now, but I did student teaching and I remember how much I cared about each child. I agree that's how it is with our Ts. I've struggled with this issue in therapy too. I don't know why it's been so important to know that my T really cares about me. Do you think it has to do with the fact that therapy makes us so vulnerable? Why should I tell my T what I'm feeling deep inside if she really doesn't care? Or is it that I want the relationship to be equal, to match, as you say. I want her to care about me as much as I care about her, but that's not the way therapy works. It's frustrating, but it's for our own good.

tree, Simcha had a valid question. Why is this coming up for you now? Sending you and

I disagree, too.
I am also a teacher and deeply, deeply care for every one of my students. I feel a real emotional connection to them, and their well-being - physically, emotionally, intellectually - is so important to me. When one of the children in my class is hurt, sad, angry, struggling - whatever - I feel for them and want to do everything in my power to help them deal with whatever they need to deal with. Yes, the caring is shared. But when I spend time with each child, listening to them, hearing them, sharing wtih them, I am totally there in that moment for that child. (And it is real!!)

I can't speak for other people but I know for myself, when I get to know someone I care about them. I can't imagine getting to know someone emotionally, as is done in therapy, and NOT caring about them. No, therapists don't care about clients in the way that a person cares for their spouse, or sister, or friend, or child... but I am sure that most certainly do feel genuine care and concern for their clients.

Xtree, you wrote: Ts cannot possibly care for all their clients anymore than my doctor or my lawyer.

I disagree, and here's why:

Doctor's care about the health of their patients, and help by handing out advice and medicine.
Lawyers care about the legal needs of their clients and help by advising and assisting clients through the legal process.
Therapists care about the emotional lives of their clients and help by facilitating change through a reciprocal relationship and emotional connection. That in itself involves a genuine feeling of care for the person they are helping.

I am not a T... I am a Registered Nurse though, and when I am at work I work with 3-5 of my own patients a shift, and still help care for other patients on the unit. In any given week I may have up to 25 patients that I care for primarily. I have to say that, yes, I do care about all of them.

Some people are easier to care about than others. Some people you try to care about and they reject you, some people you would rather not care about, but that is part of your life's work, to care and treat people, even those that would, under any other circumstance, make your blood boil.

Most of the time, I have a good therapeutic relationship with my patients. There are those though that somehow wind up holding a special place in my heart for one reason or another. So, I would have to say, that from my personal experience in my therapy, and my experience as a health care practitioner that I do not share your same views on this.

Which is okay...

Thanks for sharing!!

I think it depends really, the nurse and psychologist I used to see - I would totally agree with you.
The psychologist I see now - I think she cares, especially over the last month

I think it just depends on that person - so I do agree with you, most probably don't, but a few definitely do.

((((((( Xtree ))))))))

Did your T say or do something that reminded you of a time when you were not cared for?

I can't speak for ALL T's and say that they definitely all care, but they wouldn't be in this line of work if they didn't care. That just wouldn't make sense. Many T's care very deeply but they are also trained in keeping boundaries, it has to be a safe relationship.

I suggest you discuss this at length with your therapist, see where that feeling is truly coming from and if you still feel that your T still doesn't seem to care then go find one that does. It may be that your T's approach is not a good fit for you but please know that there are many good T's out there. The evidence for that is in these boards!

Take care.

I think there are a few out there that see thier work as a job - I saw one of those - but out of the other 3 T's I have seen - I can honestly say they were all caring professionals - I think they did and do care about their work and their clients.

I work as a Nurse - I have around 15 clients that I look after its not my job to like or dislike then its my job to care for and about them and I do - even if they are annoying I still care about their welfare and their getting better -

Maybe you are talking about like? I'd agree some T's must like some clients better or more than others - but do they care about us and our progress - I would say YES

Hoping you will talk about whatever has put this thought in your mind

Perhaps you need to believe this? Not sure why. Maybe the thought that there are people who do care would make you feel as if you are missing out on something? If no one cares, then your safe?? Perhaps your worried about your inablity to care? I know I use to attack those that I saw caring because I felt unable to reach this level of emotional maturity and would make random statements as if they were truth? That way I felt less alone, less isolated in my defences.

((((((((((((((((((((((((xtree))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have had that thought on and off during therapy - usually as a way to push T away. But I have learned that he really does genuinely care about me. It scares me and feels good at the same time.

I used to work in the mental health field, and I DEFINITELY cared very much about my clients. Some were very special to me, and I still think about them and wonder about them 12 or 13 or 14 years later. Early in T when I wondered if it was possible for T to really care about me, I thought about that experience, and I realized that of course he can care.

I hope you feel better xtree.

This is a very good question. I do not know if that is it but it certainly is a very good point. Some people can sit and talk to anyone one about anything and talk forever. I know people like that. That is not who I am. I can talk to anyone and I am a very good listener and it is usually all about them. I am not open at regarding personal issues at all, even to people who are very close to me.

So who knows ... it's a learning experience.

Xtree

Like Mouse mentioned...I think I struggled and still struggle when I think about other caring about me. IDK...it just add responsibility or something to the relationship that I just can't seem to handle sometimes.

I can remember one time during my daughter's therapy when my therapist (he was her T as well) was trying to gently tell me (with her present) that he thought she might have some form of autism. I was looking down at the floor, trying to hold it together because I didn't want to frighten her. When I looked back up, I noticed that my therapist had been watching my reaction and gauging it. He knew I was fighting back tears. There was concern in his eyes. I also remember the time when I told him my H had never hit me and a discernible relieved expression came over his face. I know he cared about me. That was never really in question.

I doubt very much that a therapist could be effective with clients if he/she didn't care about them. I don't think there are any limits on the expansion of the heart. There is always more room for more caring about more people.

I think perception has a lot to do with the way we feel about things. What do you want to see? Do you want to believe in the best in others or is something possibly holding you back from that? Could it be a way of keeping another at a safe distance? It's difficult for you to share yourself with others. Is it scary to think that maybe your therapist does care?

Therapy is hard work.

Thank you Bether for sharing. I am very sorry to hear about your daughter.

I think you bring up very good points that are definitely worth exploring. Seeing it from that perception puts a whole new light on the situation.

Xtree

This thread has made me think, yet again about why I am so quick to discount my T's caring. When I am stressed to struggling with something I go into a sterile medical sign and symptoms only mode. I make it clear that I don't expect anything from her. I've even made statements like..."I don't know why I'm trying to tell a stanger these things." I think when I go medical or start treating therapy like it is simply some superficial medical examination...it means something. For some reason...I like to THINK that my T does not care and is not really invested in helping me.

I sometimes wonder if that's a way of protecting ourselves from that vulnerability.

or maybe if we can think they dont care it wont hurt so much when we find out its true... because after all ... who could care for us - we distance ourselves from the ones who show compassion because we are not used to it - dont know how to handle it - much easier to switch off and treat ourselves like some kind of germ on a plate - sorry prob shouldnt be posting tonight JMO - ok - take care all

sad but true - I look forward to the day when it is not so