P-doc gave me her cell phone number and her email addy in case I "need" to call her. She is concerned, not only because of all the recent loss I suffered, but because one of the deaths was a deliberate overdose and she knows that suicide in any form is an issue with me, but especially drug overdoses.

My SMALL logical brain says -- that was very nice of her -- but the larger PARANOID part cries warning! Don't trust her! It's a trick! She's lying!

It would've made more sense to my paranoid brain if she had said "Here, take this info but don't ever use it. I really don't want you to call or email me, but I know it's the right thing to say."

I've been seeing her since 2004. Wonder when I'll trust her.

[chaotic13]

Orange B, sorry to hear about your losses. Trust seems to be an elusive thing. I sometimes wonder..if I will ever reach a point where I don't have to convince myself that T is OK, has always meant what she's said, has never deliberately harmed me....she is trustworthy.

((((((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))) she was and is very kind to you
after losing so many ppl its hard to keep the trust that ppl are not going to disappear
that i understand
You'll trust her when your ready my friend

[ECHOES]

I think you do trust her yet her kind offer feels like being pulled closer and that triggers that "push away" response.

I'm glad she is so kind and is there for you. You have been through so much

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Orange )))))))))))))))))

Thanks everyone. I guess I must trust her some seeing I have been going there on a regular basis for five years now, although I am just now starting to share my life story with her. I think she is surprised that it took me this long.

Chaotic, I was actually thinking of you when I was typing this thread! I knew we were on the same wavelength about trust issues so I knew you'd get it.

[deliquesce]

(((orange)))

we could be twins . pdoc gave me his mobile number just before xmas last year and i completely freaked out. there are probably a few threads around here with me trying to figure out if this was an 'ok' thing to do or not.

i also started seeing pdoc in 2004. and only started telling him my life story before xmas. he said it was ok that i took my time, because i needed to learn that he was safe to tell this stuff to. he can be very patient. but we only spoke about that stuff for 2-3 sessions before it was the xmas break, and after that we didn't continue. last week he wanted to clarify something i said, but i had clammed up again. so he told me it was ok, and he could be patient - there isn't any pressure to disclose.

i'm sorry about your recent loss . but it is good to know that T is there for you. having pdoc's number has been good because he kept me safe when my old-T wanted to put me in hospital.

pdoc is a good person and i think your T is too .

Hi deliquesce.

I trust T after a long, LONG, lengthy time with her. Did I say long? LOL!

It's p-doc being all nice to me and stuff that has me all tripped out. It's like when she asked if she could give me a hug after my mother died. It totally freaked me out. People just don't DO those nice things without some ulterior motive. Wasn't she all grossed out by it????? Wouldn't it have been better if she said, "The polite thing to do would be to offer you a hug, but I really don't want too because I find it just as icky as you do, but it's what they taught me to do in p-doc school."

((((((((((((((((((((((((Orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's SO SO SO hard to accept genuine love and caring, isn't it? It is completely crazy-making sometimes.

My meditation teacher told me once to pay attention when I want to push love away...because that is a clue about what a part of me needs to heal. The parts that need to heal the most push the hardest.

I'm glad you have such a caring p-doc, even though I know it FEELS like

You deserve lots and lots of love.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

People just don't DO those nice things without some ulterior motive.

OMG, at some point I really want to let go of this assumption.

[phoenix7]

I am very glad pdoc is being so supportive of you - next time you have a chat with yourself remind yourself that you are worthy of other peoples care and that although that is what we often believe not everyone has an alterior motive (im working on both of those )

Accepting that there are good people out there who might actually maybe perhaps be genuine caring and compassionate people and that they could possibly maybe perhaps once in a while care about us is soooooo hard. But it can be true

Originally Posted by treehouse

pay attention when I want to push love away...because that is a clue about what a part of me needs to heal. The parts that need to heal the most push the hardest.

I never looked at my p-doc being-nice-to-me-thingie as "love."

She doesn't even know me!

But the quote caught my attention for sure. My sick and twisted mind went to work right away thinking -- Don't ever let p-doc feel you are pushing her away. Don't ever let p-doc feel you are pushing her away. Don't ever let p-doc feel you are pushing her away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom
People just don't DO those nice things without some ulterior motive.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

OMG, at some point I really want to let go of this assumption.

How do we do that and TRULY believe it??

Originally Posted by phoenix7

Accepting that there are good people out there who might actually maybe perhaps be genuine caring and compassionate people

I have no problem with that. I see them everyday here at PC.

Originally Posted by phoenix7

and that they could possibly maybe perhaps once in a while care about us is soooooo hard.

That's where I get confused. I say this to T all the time. "If you saw a wounded puppy on the side of the road, you would rush over to help. Doesn't mean you love the puppy, just that you care, as a human being. You might wonder how that puppy is doing once in awhile and that's nice but . . . big woof."

[MissCharlotte]

((Orange))

Little children are so trusting. If only we could tap into that trusting part and keep it with us!

I'm glad Pdoc gave you those numbers. Take care.

[chaotic13]

Not sure how to rebuild that innocence. I was hoping that it would be an easier process. Sometimes I wonder if I'm as good as I can get.

Orange... Have you written any more stories? I like your stories :-)

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Sometimes I wonder if I'm as good as I can get.

Me too!

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Orange... Have you written any more stories? I like your stories :-)

I'm not sure which ones you've read but my latest writing is wrapped up in a bigger project.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

((Orange))
I'm glad Pdoc gave you those numbers. Take care.