Is it ok for him to do this?

I was looking through the forums just now and came across a thread posted by peppermint patty about keeping a journal/diary. Well ever since I started psychotherapy when I was 5 I have kept a journal. About 4 years ago I had an affair. Well I don't know if it qualifies as an affair because I started seeing the guy about 3 weeks afer my husband kicked me out of the house for relapsing. But anyway, my husband and I reconciled and got backtogether after 3 months of seperation. Things were going great until he read my journal apparently he had been reading it the whole time we were back together. It had someof my most personal thoughts and feelings in it. In one particular entry it talked about how my husband got on my nerves and how I thought he was a mean *****. Well he got mad and yelled and screamed. Well I was hurt that he would sink to that level to read something he knew I held sacred. So I had to burn my diary. I felt violated. So I got a new one. And he read that one too! So now I quit journaling. For the first time since I was in kindergarten I have'nt kept a journal. He said he had the right to read it because i cheated on him and he had the right to know what was going on in my head. I think this is a voilation of my privacy. For those who keep jounals and are serious about writting in them everyday, you know how sacred and private your journal is. I felt better when I jounaled sometimes I would write in it 3 and 4 times a day especailly when I was having a panic attack. Now I cant' keep one he first read a jounal of mine when we wee together only 4 months and it was one i had kept in highschool. I am afraid to keep one although I miss writting in one everyday. Is it ok for him to do this because I cheated?

This is a violation of your privacy. It does not matter what you have done nothing gives anyone the right to read your journal without your permission.

I agree. He has absolutely no right to read your journal, no matter what you did in the past. That was a SERIOUS violation of your privacy, and absolutely no one has the right to know what's going on inside your head. If we did, we'd be able to read minds.

(((((((((thunderbear)))))))))))
I know how tough it is not to have a journal, I'd be lost without mine. It's just a thought but I've heard of people who set up special email accounts for themselves, so that they can email themselves their journal entries rather than keeping them in a book. Do you think maybe that might work for you? It's a little more secure if it's password protected, at any rate. Lots of hugs.

Hey justfloating. He has gotten into my e-mail too. He gets my passwords to myspace and everything. He says it's because he can't trust me anymore.

I would run a spyware program to check if he has installed a keylogging program on your computer. Im not sure if you are aware that a keylogger records every keystroke you press and many also track sites you visit. Some even take screenshots at intervals.

Do a google search for a program called SpyBot. It is a free program that can detect most viruses, malware and keyloggers.. and then delete then from your computer. I use Spybot frequently and have never had any problems with it. Even if it finds nothing on your computer at least you will have some peace of mind.

Maybe a guys side?

If the entry that upsets him is about him and negative........perhaps he feels it is secretive? Is it better to tell him face to face when you are bothered by him or his actions, rather than have your feelings in a diary? Do you leave your diary locked away and he breaks into it or is it easily available to him should he want to see it? Do you mind he sees your feelings? Wouldn't you want him to know in the first place?

I can definitely not understand his trouble over the past seperation.........especially of his own doings!

For me.....I would want to be able to see the good with the bad if you had a diary.....I would hope to read a diary that mentioned your good days as well as you bad ones. If it was all bad I would be concerned. I've writen letters to myself......not unlike a diary or journal........I find writing things out helps me see things from different sides.......I find it works for me.... and I imagine that the journal writting is similar........but whatever I write, and about whom ever it is, I am willing to say or share with the person I choose as my partner in life. I just find it works best for me and I dont feel I am hiding something from them. Even in my current problem, posted here...I have and do communicate my good thoughts and bad, in hopes of reaching a middle ground to be happy. I do let her know I psoted her should she want to see what others thing as well.........for me that is what being a relaitonship is about...open and honest.

If you are unable to talk with your guy about your feelings and concerns as well as the more positive things in your relationship......I'd be questioning things a lot.

to me the whole point in writing in your journal is to help resolve issues as well as celibrate the good things in your day and life. We have each.....and we should be able to share them with the one person in our lives we call "ours"!
While I would hope life is open and free of worry and there is no reaosn for privacy like this I feel........if that is the case for you....I sincerely hope you take another approach then.......

Try the email route.....its what i do...not because I am keeping it private I just find it more productive. And it should allow you the privacy you wish.

I hope my way of seeing it helps.

Most of the thngs i wrote in my diary like my ptsd flashbacks and things I would talk to him about. There were alot of good things in there. But on somedays he would do something that would make me angry and instead of arguing about it I would write it down, then a month later he would read it and get mad at me. As far as being secretive, there are things about me that are my secrets. Things i hold to myself. They are locked inside to keep from hurting others feelings. My diary was my outlet. And if you were to tell your partner everything and anything (I've been there) it would cause alot of un-necessery troubles.

I think it depends on what kind of marriage you want.

If my hubby had a diary or letter or email that I was not allowed to read then I would question if that relationship was the right one for me, as I feel a totaly open relationship is the only one I could cope with.

Mabye i am wrong for feeling violated. I dont care if he reads my email. now I am feeling bad for outting him on this. Nevermind about this thread

No you have misunderstood my post.

This is the only way I could cope but many others would disagree with me and value their privacy it all depends on how you conduct your own marriage.

that's violating your privacy...I get pissed when somebody is reading my journal...my ex boy friend did, and I was mad at him laand he kept questioning me about it because mostly it was about him....but I forgave him and he didn't say anything about it anymore....
I had this neighbour who was writing her journal in encrypted language, she didn't want her mom or anybody else read it....so, she envented a language for herself and she was writing it like that.....I think she was just using different characters....not sure how she was doing it....but as a computer programmer, I know how to encrypt....for a simplicity, you can just add specific characters aftereach syllable....
don't quite your journal....he got to stop reading your journal....or hide it somewhere....

Hey, you know what I did when I found out that my journal was read? I started writing in the form of poems. I used symbolic phrases and expressions that only I could understand. By the time I started to do this I stopped hiding it overall. I was like "hahaha! for you it's just a poem but for me...it's a memory!".
Through the years the poems got better and better and you know what....some are really really good. I will try to publish them at some point! Ha! How about that!

Maybe this idea might help you....(?????).

i think this is a tough issue. i've kept a journal for years but i wouldn't ever want anyone to read it as i use it to get out some very negative feelings. the things i write in my journal i would never say to anyone as i'm just trying to express my negative emotions and release them in a safe way. when i talk to someone i'm going to be a lot more tactful! i'm not married and i've wondered how married couples handle this. i don't think it's cool that your husband feels he has "the right" to spy on you without your permission by accessing your email and journal. have you and your husband tried any marriage counseling? maybe that could help you guys navigate conflicts like this. take care.

I agree, it is not ok for him to do this. My husband and I have a totally open and communicative relationship but there are still just some things I like to keep to myself. These are MY things. If I give everything to someone else, I feel like I have nothing left to me. We are individuals, we have the right to maintain our own feelings and thoughts without having someone else look at them and read them. I have an email account where I send myself journal entries. The poem idea is a really good one too. Good luck with this.

I think openness is of course very important for any relationship to truly work, but I also think that (in my opinion, anyway ) a certain amount of space is necessary too. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you can't have your own thoughts, feelings, and outlets that are yours alone. If I let someone in on every last detail of my life, I start to feel smothered, and then I resent them for it. I'm not saying that you should shut them out completely, but you should each have your own space from time to time. That's just my view on it.

((((((((((thunderbear))))))))))

I know how tough all this is for you right now. Know I'm sending lots of hugs and good vibes.

I quite agree. Strictly speaking, you don't have to keep a journal and it's almost certainly to his benefit as well as yours that you have a chance to sort out what you want to tell him at any given time, and how you want to put it.

To his argument that he's entitled to know, there's the perfectly good counterargument that he's shown he often can't handle knowing. To his argument that he can't always trust you, there's the perfectly good counterargument that he's shown he can't always be trusted either.

It seems to me that this issue of trust and privacy is pretty central to your relationship and that unless both of you are working in good faith to resolve it, you barely even have a relationship.

I don't see where you have much to lose by making this clear to him. Of course there are different ways of making something clear, some make it clearer than others, and he's bound to be more willing to listen to (and "get") some, than others. Good luck in finding a way that works for both of you or at the very least, that leaves you satisfied that you've done your best.

We have a great relationship now. The trust has been restored. The diary reading incident was 2 years ago. He has read my diaries before and he knows it was wrong but still belives he had the right. That is why I wanted input on it. We have been communicating really well for awhile. Sometimes we have disagreements (like this one) but that's all they are is disaggrements nothing major. He trusts me now and I trust him to a degree. But my lack of trust has nothing to do with him directly.

Knows it was wrong but still had the right?

Is that anything like those "shadow mischief" cartoons? "Yes dear, whatever you say, I was wrong!" [His shadow speaking: "If I have to do it again it'll be your fault."]

I don't think he has the right to read your journal or break-in to your e-mail and MySpace accounts. Couples need openess, but I also believe you have the right to keep traumatic things from the PAST to yourself. He didn't go throught it with you and they affect you and your feelings. If you want to share them with him you will when you're ready.

Hope things improve for you.

Hi Thunderbear

That sucks that your husband is so nosy.

Anyway... if you want to get back to journaling, I know a lady who keeps her journal locked away in a safety deposit box at her bank. Since she works very close to the bank, she goes over there for lunch, writes in her journal, and then locks it away when she is done.

I have also heard of some people who keep them locked away in a small locking fire proof safe, which they either store in their house or in the trunk of their car. Here is an Internet link to Sentry Safe. They are sold by many retailers in the USA.

http://www.sentrysafe.com/products/safesForHome.aspx

Anyway....isn't there some nook and cranny inside your house where you can hide your journal?

When I was a teen I used to hide mine in a heating pipe. I just pulled the register grate out and placed it down in the pipe and then put the register thing back in.

Other spots you might want to consider are the underside of a drawer bottom (if it is a slim tablet), inside a piece of furniture (some furniture like a sofas have fabric tacking underneath that is easy to remove... making it easy to place the journal up inside the springs or foam padding.

You also could hide your journal on an encrypted USB memory stick too. If you don't mind keeping your journal electronically, a USB stick is tiny and very, very easy to hide. The other good thing about it is that you can take it with you anywhere and use it anywhere there is a computer available.

Whatever you do... if you do get back to journaling again, be sure to always write someplace in your house where you can keep the door locked. That way you won't have Mr. Nosy walking in on you, discovering what you are doing, and later going on a search and spy misson.

I hope this helps.

Peppermint Patty

to keep the contents of an electronic journal safe, after each entry safe, type the word translator into google and you copy and paste into your choice of languages!

thunderbear
In one particular entry it talked about how my husband got on my nerves and how I thought he was a mean *****. Well he got mad and yelled and screamed.
So he's screaming & yelling to argue he's not a mean *****...hummm
Well I was hurt that he would sink to that level to read something he knew I held sacred. So I had to burn my diary. I felt violated. So I got a new one. And he read that one too! So now I quit journaling. For the first time since I was in kindergarten I have'nt kept a journal. He said he had the right to read it because i cheated on him and he had the right to know what was going on in my head.
Ok...wait a minute...I could understand it if you cheated...but what you described isn't really cheating...he threw you out!!

I don't think he has the right to read it...

LK

I agree. He wasn't reading because he was worried about you or wondering if you were ok. He was using it against you. I am glad you are better now.