[Umm_kelly]

This is a random question that has been floating through my mind lately. Since I've been having so many problems with my mom (to the point of ignoring her existence) I've been thinking about what a good mom is even like. I'm very happy with the way that I am. I have no lack of self confidence, and I'm pretty good at handling everything life throws my way... but do I owe that to my mom? This thought goes back to the whole nature versus nurture argument. What do you think?

[madisgram]

some of this i didnt get growing up but feel my answers will reflect what i think a good mom is:
there to hug and give emotional support during our growing up years.
participating in our school events, like making the cupcakes or just showing up to see us at an event.
spending one on one time with us. if we're girls, i think this aspect is very important to help us become good mothers/women ourselves.
assuring us that they are there for us...good times and bad.
being excited about whatever age we're at and guiding us thru our experiences. as a girl there are challenges when our hormones are raging...giving us assurance at those times. being understanding.
allowing friends to come over to visit
respecting our privacy within reason
most of all being available with unconditional love!

[AAAAA]

I agree with all that madisgam says, but I would add that children need rules and boundaries. Sometimes being a good mom means you have to be the bad guy, you have to say "no"... Even when it makes you hate us. Communication is also necessary.

Remember always, your mother is human first. As I tell my own kids, I've worked very hard to avoid the mistakes of my parents, but I've made my own in the mean time. I've done everything with your best interest at heart.

I think it's very easy to see everything that she's done wrong, and very easy to overlook all of the things she's done right. It is also extremely easy to say what you would or wouldn't do in a given situation, much different to be in that situation responsible for another human being's life.

[Rhapsody]

I believe a good mom needs to have unconditional love and acceptance of their child... and they should offer support / protection at all times.

... this is true of both parents, but we are talking about moms here.

[myoasis89]

I'm having the same problem. My parents won't accept who I am. They've been there all my life and gave me all the things i needed. They use this against me when i don't call often enough or visit. usually I call them when something good happens to me and I let them know...but other than that I shy away from them. When I stay at the house for a week...i try to talk to my mom but she always puts me down. When i tell her about bad things that happen...or I want emotional support...she just says she doesn't want to hear it...She forces me to go to church and expects that I don't ahve sex with my bf. I'm 20 and we do. I don't go to church because right now I don't feel a connection to God. It is my goal to go back to church, but when i am ready. I've felt numb going to church with my parents. I'd rather go by myself. My mom tells me how to think, who to be...my dad doesn't say anything he just agrees with her. They don't know me...and when i try to talk about how this bothers me...they say I'm being immature and that is not the way to act....I don't know what to do...I am not going to stop being me and what makes me happy...it is a two-way street...I can't go on doing all the work by accepting them and losing my identity....my growth stunted because of this. When i moved out on my own I was no longer depressed and realised more about myself..I became a better person...I feel guilty for shunning my parents...because I do recognise what they did right...but they just don't know me...I fake who I am in order to have some kind of relationship with them

[jacq10]

Unconditional love.
Unconditional love.
Un-freaking-conditional love.

If you have this, then all those other things resolve themself. At the end of the day, when you close your eyes at night, if you know that your mother is "there" for you, thats all that matters. That is something that can make or break a relationship... make or break how you feel about yourself, and make or break how you see the world - in all its gust and glory. With a loving mom, the world is a beautiful place.

I wish all mothers knew this... and that all daughters had this.

[bonaire]

An ability to listen without judging.
Empathy.
Separation of emotions - where the mother doesn't project themselves onto the child and want the child to "be what I couldn't be".
Good cooking

[Maximink]

Originally Posted by jacq10

Unconditional love.
Unconditional love.
Un-freaking-conditional love.

If you have this, then all those other things resolve themself. At the end of the day, when you close your eyes at night, if you know that your mother is "there" for you, thats all that matters. That is something that can make or break a relationship... make or break how you feel about yourself, and make or break how you see the world - in all its gust and glory. With a loving mom, the world is a beautiful place.

I wish all mothers knew this... and that all daughters had this.

Seriously. this says it all. I can't think of a better way to say it. And what gets me is that it is so easy to do. Well said, very well said!

[prettyjolie]

Also, a good mother is someone who does everything she can for her children and isn't selfish. I believe that once you become a mother, you're not the number one priority anymore and that your child's life is most important.
And someone you can call any time, day or night, just to talk.. I've lost count of how many times I've called my mom at 3a.m. because I'm upset and I need her.

[Pomegranate]

"An ability to listen without judging.
Empathy.
Separation of emotions - where the mother doesn't project themselves onto the child and want the child to "be what I couldn't be"."

I like the sound of that bonaire. I wonder how a mother can give unconditional love since being a parent, by its very nature, means setting conditions or limits?

I do think once a child is grown and living on their own, unless they are doing something truly self or other destructive, a mother should try her best, just as a friend does, to get to know and understand who her child is (and accept them), not who she wants them to be. I think it can be difficult as a mother if a child is living a lifestyle and has values very different from hers. It's easy to find yourself judging rather than loving. Tricky business, love of any kind, in my experience.

[RomanSunburn]

One of my favorite things about my relationship with my mother is our open communication. I tell her everything. Neither of our friends believe us, though. And having distance. I have a much better relationship with my mother than most of my friends have with theirs because my mother accepted along time ago that I wouldn't always be her baby and I wouldn't always live in her house and most importantly, that I'm going to grow up and be my own person. Her reasoning, as she has told me many times, was that she worked hard to bring me up to be a responsible adult, and that she had to learn to trust me to make my own decisions and then survive my own mistakes; she couldn't always recuse me or take care of me.

I guess, in summary, what I think make a good mother is love, trust, and communication... Just like any other relationship.

I liked this question
Ro

[confusedrain]

[..............They don't know me...and when i try to talk about how this bothers me...they say I'm being immature and that is not the way to act....I don't know what to do...I am not going to stop being me and what makes me happy...it is a two-way street...I can't go on doing all the work by accepting them and losing my identity....my growth stunted because of this. When i moved out on my own I was no longer depressed and realised more about myself..I became a better person...I feel guilty for shunning my parents...because I do recognise what they did right...but they just don't know me...I fake who I am in order to have some kind of relationship with them[/quote]

--- i rily think we're in the same situation. except my mom hurts me physically. i know i've done her wrong ( her finding out me and my boyfriend in our house) but i apologized. really apologized. she was ok i thot. coz she goes out with us. hangs-out with me n my boyfriend. smiles and talks to him. but there are really times she just bursts and tells me she that truly, she doesnt want him and all. i dont know now. she hit me before, i accepted. she still does now. and she sed, she will still eventho im old. im 22 yrs old. i feel like moving out but im scared coz of family traditions. and she's rily good and nice to me before. and all of our family loves her. i'm different. im not her. i do bad stuff i know, but i know my limitations. and im not a bad person. i tried talking to her. with crying and all. but all she does is yell and she has alot to break the risons that i tell her. everytime i out, she gets mad. she does not literally want me to stay out with my boyfriend for 10 hours! im 22 and i guess its ok. i dont sleepover at my boyfriend's house even. i dont know if i tell her the truth or lie so she wont be hurt. she already found out about me, but she can't accept me. she rily cant. im scared about what will happen in d future. as much as possible i want her in my life even if i have my own family. its just dat, she cant accept dat there are some bad stuff i do, but im happy.