[Tori]

I'm hoping that someone out there can shed some light on my current situtaiton. I'm 26 and my husband is 27. Over the past few months he as developed this "friendship" with a 19 year old girl. They are calling and texting each other all time, meeting eaching out, and are alone together till like 3am. He has told me everything from the beginning and that they are just friends. I tried to understand and let it go but now there is touching involved and she is telling him she loves him. I don't want this girl to ruin our marriage but how do I get my husband to tell her to back off?

[nothemama8]

Tori, how long have you been married, just tell him out right, YOU are MY husband so stop playing with children
Angie

[Tori]

Angie, we have been married for almost 3 years. I have tried telling him that , but he fires back with "I'm not allowed to have friends?" See before we got together he never really dated much and I did. I think he is feeling that he missed out or is resenting me for what I did. I just wish that if this girl is what he wants he would just tell me and quit yo-yoing me around. The worse part is he is friends with her boyfriend and we all have been going out lately. When I see her all I can think about is how she touches and talks to my husband.

Tori

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((( tori ))))))))))))))))))))))) even if (by some miracle) this relationship still is at friendship status, it's INAPPROPRIATE!

this relationship needs to end...yesterday. i wish you the best in dealing with this. i hope it ends. it sounds like you love your husband very much. you need to tell your husband to not have any further contact with her period...change any numbers that she has, etc. it's up to him to end this...now.

sending wishes to you,

kd

[Tori]

(((((((((KD))))))) Thanks so much. I know it needs to end but he is unwilling to end it. I just hope he comes to his senses.

Tori

[nothemama8]

Is it possible to talk to her maybe she has some sense
Angie

[Tori]

I've tried to talk to her and she just says what I want to hear. She told me that they are just friends, she has a boyfriend and besides my husband is too old. She is nice to my face and talk to me like we are friends, but as soon as she is alone with him she starts her touching and saying things she shouldn't. She has even asked him when he was going to leave me they they could move in together and if he wants a divorce she will go with him to get the papers.

Tori

[Fuzzybear]

This is a horrible situation for you to be in....it makes me angry. I hope your husband comes to his senses. I am keeping you in my thoughts....
(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

[Tori]

Thank you Fuzzybear

[h0kie]

Kimmy is right. I have been in your shoes...except a step further. Do what you need to do to protect yourself.

You have every right to tell your husband you don't want him seeing/speaking to her again. If he says, "I'm not allowed to have friends." Be honest and tell him, she's not a friend. And he knows it. If he continues the "I can't have friends mantra" you may just have to say, "no...right now, you can't."

If there is one thing I have learned in the past 2 years it is to TRUST YOUR INSTICTS! Do not let him placate you with "right answers". If you think something is wrong...there probably is.

Are you willing/prepared to give him an ultimatum? My husband has been very good about my boundaries since things happened. For example, he was calling other women, "hon"...it just set me off. I told him to stop. Hasn't been a problem since.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[Tori]

I have tried to give him an ultimatum. I've told her he need to choose me and our life together or her. He can't have both. He says he wants to be with me but that he can talk to her about things and she will listen. I mean she is just a kid. In my opinion she sees him as challenge. She is definately not worth ending our marriage over but I don't want to have to compete for my own husband. We have our first marriage counseling appointment on Wednesday, but I'm not sure what it will be like or if it will even help.

[h0kie]

But did you actually follow through on the threat? Give him until such and such a date and then leave. Go somewhere or at least move to a different bedroom.

When I found out about my husband's relapse I slept in a spare bedroom and took off my wedding rings for a few days. It made him crazy. But that might not work on your husband.

Counseling sounds like a good idea. As long as he is open and willing to do it. If he just shuts down, it might not help him..but it should still help you.

Good luck.

[Tori]

No I've never followed thorough or gave him a specific date. I think that is something I should do. He thinks I'm always going to be there but he needs to realize that I'm not going to sit around while he is out sewing his wild oats and hoping that he comes back to me in the end.

[h0kie]

Exactly my point. You need to stand up for yourself. You definitely sound worth it.

As Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you." Gotta love Dr. Phil....lol

I'm around if you ever need to talk.

[SweetCrusader]

LEAVE him. He's jerking you around and emotionally blackmailing you ON TOP of cheating. He's not worth this pain.

Besides, if this continues as it is, he will probably leave you.

Sorry to be blunt, but it's a reality

[kimmydawn]

tori, if needs needs someone to talk to, tell him to find a good counselor. this is not right. please don't make ulitmatums with him that you can't/won't follow thru with. it will just let him know that he has you right where he wants you.

if you say something, mean it. if you mean something, follow thru with it.

gl hon. please let us know?

[Tori]

Thanks everyone. He called me today at work to tell me his "friend" wants him to meet her and he is actually going to go!! He says I should trust him that is is not going to cheat on me. Its so hard to sit her knowing he is with someone else. I told him not to go. I said that if he goes then he is chosing her over me. Thats when he told me that we should just call it and get a divorce. What a jerk.

[h0kie]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. If it were me...I would be calling and checking into getting the locks changed while he was "meeting" this girl. If he thinks she is so great, let her support him. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

Someday, he will realize what he gave up to be with this girl...and he'll see the effect it had on his life.

I also agree with Sweet Crusader. He is jerking you around. You deserve better than this. You deserve to find someone who will love you as much as you love them. Someone that puts your needs and wants on the same level of importance as their own.

[kimmydawn]

tori, i'm sorry, but it sounds like he was waiting for you to push him to be able to say that and blame it all on you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( tori )))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Tori]

I don't want to be the bad guy in this whole situation. I'll admit that I made mistakes but I never went as far as him. All he has to do is stop seeing this girl and I know things would be better. I just want to understand why he can't tell her to back off.

[Wants2Fly]

This sounds like a bad situation. Counseling sounds like a good start. You have as much advice as you need, so Ill offer a hug:

((((((((((((((((((((((Tori)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Tori]

Well he moved out for a week. That was tough. I hated being without him. He's back now and we have decided to work on our relationship. At first he still wanted to see his "friend" with a don't ask don't tell policy. I think he realizes that isn't going to work. We have our second counseling session tonight so we will see how things go from here. Thanks to everyone that helped and offered advice.

[nothemama8]

Good for you Tori
Angie

[Wants2Fly]

So glad to hear of the positive progress. Thanks for sharing that.

[MacD]

It's time for "tough love", tori.....when you're in a mutually respectful loving relationship, each member should care as much about the appearance of inpropriety (and its effect on their partner)...even if no inappropriate behaviour is actually occurring.....I think that you need to draw a line in the sand NOW.....and let him know that his behaviour is selfish and hurtful......good luck....grace