[strawberryyum526]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 3 months now. We met in our senior year of high school and instantly clicked and started dating. Everything was perfect as most relationships are in the beginning.

About a month or so into it I found out I was pregnant. I was 17 at the time and completely freaked out when I found out. I told him as soon as I found out. He was shocked but unlike most guys, wanted to have the baby which I respected. He was working at UPS at the time and said he thought he would be able to support it. I was just shocked and confused about what to do but as much as I would have liked to have a baby I definitely knew I was not ready to raise a child. I was only 17 and not even out of high school yet! We didn't have the money to raise a baby. And I could just imagine what my parents would say. I waited a week until I told my dad, and the first words out of his mouth were " I'll pay for it but you're going to have to pay me back" meaning he wanted me to have an abortion. I'm not saying my dad made my decision for me because it was very much my own decision to go through with the abortion, but his opinion mattered to me. Even though my boyfriend begged & cried for me not to go through with it, I did.

And after it was all over with it was all i could think about. I felt so awful. I wish I could take it back. If i would have had that baby it would be 6 months old. I think about it every day & so does he. Since that incident, I feel like our relationship has been strained. The first few months after it happened we were fine, we never talked about it. But then we started fighting alot. He says he cannot trust me because I killed his baby. It kills me to hear him say that.

Recently he started getting mad at me for ridiculous things. For example, the clothes I wear are "slutty" (which they are not, i have respect for myself and know how to dress) anything that shows a little cleavage started a big fight.
The other night he got mad at me for being awake when he called me on his work break at 12:00 am.
I stayed at his house one night and could not go to sleep at all and woke up around 7am and asked him if I could leave and sleep at my house. He got so angry and told me i ruined his day. I left and he later texted me saying " I ****ing hate you. I hope you had fun walking by my brother on the way out in your slutty clothes. you ruined my day." On another day he kicked a huge dent in my car because he "caught" me looking at his brother as he pulled up in the driveway. I explained I was just glancing to see who it was. But that didnt matter to him.

Another example. He asked me one day randomly when I would have his baby. We've talked about this and marriage before so it wasn't anything new. I said " I don't know let's at least get married first, several years maybe?" He got angry and said I was scared of commitment and scared of being tied down. I responded " I don't feel like i've really lived my life i'm only 18!" He got even more angry and brought up my past like I was some slut. "You've already been through your slutty stage with all your older ex boyfriends, you've been to the club, what else do you have to do?" I explained that when I have a baby I want to give it the world, I want to be financially ready, and living on my own & graduate college first. None of that was the right answer for him.
When he gets mad at me at stuff like this it makes me go crazy because I know I am doing absolutely nothing wrong yet he is getting so mad at me and saying mean things to me. Lately it has gotten way out of hand with me crying and screaming uncontrollably and I can't stop. I even hit myself when I feel like he isn't listening to me which is often. He doesn't care anymore when i get upset and calls me "psycho" and "crazy". I don't blame him but i feel like the reason I act like that is because of him! He blames me and my 'crazy behavior' for our problems in the relationship. When i try to say he gets mad at me for everything he just ignores me and says its all me. When things get really bad he brings up the abortion and says: You feel like im treating you so bad? You should have thought about me before you killed my baby." It always seem to be his reason for getting angry. And then he feels bad and apologizes and acts like everything is okay.

What do I do?? I feel as if everything I do is wrong. And that I will never be good enough because of what I did. Sometimes he makes me feel like I am a burden to him. He never wants to talk things out. I feel as if he thinks I am so annoying when I attempt to talk to him about getting mad at me for ridiculous things.

[jerrymichele]

I would leave him, or at least take a break from him. I would tell him that I can bring my own self down without your help. He sounds controlling and abusive.

[spiritual_emergency]

Something that might be helpful to consider is that just because an abortion can be obtained with more ease these days, that doesn't mean it's easy to have one. In particular, many women are not prepared for the intensity of emotion they may feel afterwards. In some towns/cities women who have had an abortion can seek out support from other women who have gone through the same experience. You could try using a search engine to find a support group of women in your area. Sometimes, just talking to someone else can bring an immense sense of relief.

What would be ideal is if your boyfriend could also talk to some men who have gone through his experience so that he could also have the opportunity to come to terms with his own feelings about the abortion. You could try checking with a place such as Planned Parenthood to see if they can make any recommendations for the both of you. It's also possible that he has some males within his own social circle who have been in his position and might be willing to offer some personal support to him. An older brother perhaps. His own father. Maybe it would be helpful for him to talk with a young father as well. You could suggest this to him but it would be up to him to actually follow up on it.

I don't know if finding some forms of personal support might make a difference to your relationship. It does sound as if he's experiencing some doubts and also projecting a lot of blame your way. It's also possible that even if you'd chosen to have/keep the baby, he would still find something to criticize or blame you for -- such as financial difficulties, your tiredness, your focus on the baby. No matter what, there would be problems because pregnancy and parenthood is a huge stresser to any relationship, even when both parents are ready and mature enough to take that responsibility on.

Meantime, I suspect that when he chooses to attack you in a specific manner it's because he knows it will provoke a reaction that he wants to see. It could be that he wants you to demonstrate remorse; maybe he wants you to give him more attention; maybe he wants you to reassure him that his own insecurities are okay. No matter what his reasons are it's not a healthy form of communication and it's obviously deeply distressing to you. Some part of you seems to be very much aware that this is an abusive pattern of behavior but perhaps another part feels torn because you also care about him and may feel you are responsible to some extent. What you need to remember is so is he. He could have chosen to wear a condom. He could have chosen to say no. It takes two people to create a pregnancy.

I suggest you seek out some support for yourself, including your parents if possible. But also let your boyfriend know that you won't tolerate his blame or accusations any longer. And if he starts to get abusive with you -- walk away. Go be with a family member or friend who will treat you with respect.

Good luck.

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[strawberryyum526]

Originally Posted by spiritual_emergency

What would be ideal is if your boyfriend could also talk to some men who have gone through his experience so that he could also have the opportunity to come to terms with his own feelings about the abortion. You could try checking with a place such as Planned Parenthood to see if they can make any recommendations for the both of you. It's also possible that he has some males within his own social circle who have been in his position and might be willing to offer some personal support to him. An older brother perhaps. His own father. Maybe it would be helpful for him to talk with a young father as well. You could suggest this to him but it would be up to him to actually follow up on it.

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He says that he has told his brother and he agrees with him about it! and my boyfriend had an awful relationship with his father when he was younger, he was abused and now hates his father and refuses to talk to him. I think thats part of the reason he was so upset with the abortion. he felt he didn't have a father so he wanted to be that perfect father to a child.


Something I forgot to add to my post was that several of our fights have gotten physical but he has never put a hand on me. It has always been me hitting him or grabbing him. I haven't done it in a while but I'm afraid I will. I feel like the anger in me just builds and I go crazy and make a big scene. I don't ever really hurt him but it makes me feel awful because i know he would never hit me...

Thank you guys for your replys!! they're very helpful!

[spiritual_emergency]

strawberryyum: He says that he has told his brother and he agrees with him about it!

Hmmm. Sometimes perfect agreement isn't always a good thing.

and my boyfriend had an awful relationship with his father when he was younger, he was abused and now hates his father and refuses to talk to him. I think thats part of the reason he was so upset with the abortion. he felt he didn't have a father so he wanted to be that perfect father to a child.

All of us are shaped by our relationships with our parents and it could well be that his opportunity to be a father was also his opportunity to reclaim aspects of his own childhood. In losing the one, he also lost the other. It may be helpful for you to understand some of his underlying motivations but that still doesn't make you responsible for them. Neither are you required to serve as a scapegoat for the emotions he finds overwhelming or distressing.

Something I forgot to add to my post was that several of our fights have gotten physical but he has never put a hand on me. It has always been me hitting him or grabbing him. I haven't done it in a while but I'm afraid I will. I feel like the anger in me just builds and I go crazy and make a big scene. I don't ever really hurt him but it makes me feel awful because i know he would never hit me...

It sounds as if you feel overwhelmed by your emotions at times too. I can understand that people often raise their voices (and their fists) when they feel frightened or threatened but that should be an indication to you that you need to step away. Your boyfriend is also a human being and as entitled to your respect for him as you are entitled to his.

All couples fight and disagree to a certain extent so it can be helpful to learn how to fight fairly. This link might have some ideas for you: How to Fight Fair in a Relationship. There are numerous other similar articles that can be found on the net. One of the most useful tools you can put to work for you is to call a time-out if the situation is escalating. That will allow both of you the opportunity to step back and center yourselves.

Meantime, here's a site that offers support to women who have had abortions. You may be able to find some more specific advice there: Post Abortion Support.

Continued best of luck to you.

~ Namaste

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Thank you guys for your replys!! they're very helpful!