Invitation to divorced family

I have a situation with my sister that I need to address. There are many issues involved; however, I will try to keep this brief. My 49 year old sister (who my adult children and husband feel has a paranoid personality disorder) has been basically abandoned by her husband who is in the process of a protracted divorce, her 25 yr old daughter who won't speak to her mother and an18 year old daughter who lives with her father and after many attempts doesn't seem to be able to live with her Mom. One of the problems that I have in supporting my sister is with our family's holidays. My sister gets very agitated when me or any of her siblings (family of 5 children, 9 grandchildren there are usually around 20 people at these holidays) contact her daughters to invite them to the family holidays. My sister believes that her daughters should go with her to family events and if they choose not to go with her then they should not be welcome. She was very depressed at Thanksgiving and Christmas when her daughters came without her and she has decided that she would not put herself in this situation again. My sister is putting our family in a very awkward situation by having to choose. My sister feels that she is the person we should have contact with and that the invitations should go through her. For Easter nobody from her family ended up coming to the family gathering since her oldest daughter said that she would not come with her mother and then the younger daughter refused to come as well. My last comment to my sister was that I would simply extend the invitation to each of them and then they would be able to work out how they want to respond.
My sister was married for over 25 years and I feel very sorry that this is happening to her. My family feels that she has brought a lot of this on by being very controlling over the years to the point that everyone has left her. I am her older sister and feel like I need to unconditionally support her; however, I truly love my nieces and feel that they need us more than ever. My brother-in-law feels that we should keep communication open and contact with his daughter’s. We are all very sad that this is happening and also feel the loss of my brother-in-law. This is the first divorce in the family and we don’t know how to handle the situation.
Thanks for any help you can give to me.

You must feel really torn.......trying to make a choice between family members is so hard. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, your sister and the rest of the family. I think that I would do as you did and let them work out how they were going to attend the family gatherings. If that doesn't work, I guess I would plan on having one set for one holiday and the other for the next one...I hope this helps. Is your sister getting any therapy? I hope so. Pat

Thanks so much for your comments...we don't know if she is going to therapy..my brother-in-law said she is resistent and she doesn't disclose very much to her brothers and sisters which goes along with the paranoid disoorder that my children think she has. That is an interesting theory of having them alternate the holidays..I want to change the pattern that we have been experiencing. I am tired of the repeat performance and negativism at these events as I am sure her children are as well. Thanks again for your time.

I'm so sorry for everything this entire family is going thru...it's so painful and confusing and distressing.

my first thought was "sharing" holidays as well. that's what most do with children of divorce, so it may have to happen here until feelings can become less intense (hopefully) over time. it's so sad that the daughters don't want to be where their mother is.

even if your sister isn't in therapy, have you mentioned it to her daughters to help them to sort thru all of the massive feelings that they're going thru right now? a good therapist could help them with their feelings. i would definitely recommend it. it sounds like they might have alot that they could work thru with a good therapist.

please keep us updated...the sharing holidays will have to be an entire family decision. i'm sure no one is going to be satisfied with it, but i'm hoping over time feelings will calm just a bit with time.

please keep us posted?

gl!

kd

Thanks for your time and comments. I think that at least my 18 year old nieces goes to therapy with her father. I don't know about the 25 year old. It is a very personal thing and it is hard for me as their aunt to really know what is going on with them, unless I contact their father which puts my relationship with my sister in jeapordy!! That is something that I always suggest when I do have the chance to have a conversation with them. I will keep you posted

just distant observation...... Just wondering your relationship with brother inlaw.

My family has a very good relationship with my former brother -in-law. He is a great guy and we try to keep communication open in the best interest of my nieces.
Thanks for you time.

update:
I sent an invitation to a family party to all three; my sister, my 18 year old niece and my 25 year old niece to all of their homes. My 18 year old niece lives with her father since my sister and she can't seem to live together peacefully. I haven't heard back from my nieces yet. My nieces don't feel comfortable with my parents (their grandparents) because my parents feel they should be more respectful towards their mother and have told them such so now my nieces feel like they are doing something wrong and would probably not want to spend time in my parents company who will also be at the party.
My sister responded that she would not come to the party. She seems to feel that if her daughters can't go with her that she can't bear to be ostrasized at family events which she felt happened at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Easter was a bust since I invited my sister to come and extend the invitation to her daughters and none of them ended up coming..
I offered to go to a therapist with her and she said that she couldn't go until after her divorce is final. That seems to be an excuse...or is that part of paranoid behavior?
That is where we stand.