[dolphinmkr44]

I will try and keep this on target to the title. We have been married 2 1/2 years dated 6 years. I have many mental health issues, including the worst (suicidal) a few times since we've been together. He has none, or so he says. I have been seeing my T for over 2 years, he's seen one 3 times and hated it, they always point out what is wrong with you then you have to fix it, this is what he says. Anyone in therapy knows this is not necessarly how it should work.

Any ways, he says I will never leave therapy and it is just a 3 ring circus and a big money game, I feel I have come a long way since I started 2 years ago and he even says I have from time to time. He is just tired of waiting for me to stop going. I don't think I am ready to stop.

Our marriage is now going down the tubes. I have repeatedly tried to open up to him, do things my T has asked me to do to help myself and he only gets angry, I think because I stand up for myself at times. I have been trying to get him to go to marriage counseling with me. He won't, although sometimes he gives in and says he will go just to make me happy, but then he never wants to go if I set something up. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can help him understand that this is important me and better for him and I plus our son? He already knows I am unhappy in the marriage and don't want it to end, and he needs to step up and help our marriage. It takes two not just me. Any suggestions??

[Pomegranate]

It sounds to me as though you have made it perfectly clear to him what your feelings are. He knows you want him to go to counseling with you and that you feel unhappy in your marriage. For him to say no to that request is not a good sign at all. All you can do is keep stating how you feel and asking him to do what you want him to do.

Meanwhile DO NOT stop your own therapy. It will help you through this bad time with your husband, one way or another. Keep getting help for yourself. Someone who truly loves you and wants the best for you would not be mad that you are taking care of yourself this way.

If your husband does not want to take care of himself, or do his 100% of work on your marriage (yes, in my opinion you both should be giving 100% to making the marriage work), then all you can do is work on that in therapy, get help making some healthy decisions for yourself. It won't be easy, but ultimately it will be worth it. Don't give up on yourself or your marriage. Good luck.

[Shangrala]

Oh, wow...Dolph, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Reading what you have just posted immediately placed me into exactly where the mentality is with my hub.

Unfortunately, due to how my present situation is with hub, I have little positive to offer you, as my experience has not resulted favorably. In fact, we are divorcing. However, that does not mean the same will result for you...heaven forbid.

I tried relentlessly for years to carry the burden of fixing what we BOTH needed to attend to until it eventually completely burnt me out.

During those years of my fixing, I have received counselling & support and began to show improvement for self, which of course, he resented because he was threatened by the growth of my inner strength.

I'm convinced that he knew that the longer I received counselling, the stronger I'd become, and the more he would have to contend with his own responsibility for his unwillingness...(for whatever his reasons).

He views counselling as a means of weakness..that he can deal with his problems (if he had any..lol), by himself and doesn't need to "waste" money for someone else to tell him what they 'think' they know...omg...lol.

He has issues long before he even knew me, yet, to this day continues to hold me responsible for, anyway.
Early in our marriage, I wanted so badly for us to work out that I even attempted to carry his guilt..and try to fix what I had absolutely nothing to do with...how desperate was that? Took me 15 years to finally say enough's enough. And decided to begin to move on.
Once he realized that...THEN he decided to consider that mayyyyybeee couselling is a solution. With that acknowledgement of his, I told him that the ONLY way for us to be salvaged was for him to obtain counselling for himself...BY himself. Reminded him of that a few times. But his actions told me where his heart really was..certainly not in us.
And although he said he understood that, he still has yet to act upon it....(even went as far as to ask me to find him a therapist AND accompany him)...Uhmmm...I don't think so, mister. These are YOUR issues..which do NOT involve me.
I realize that I may sound harsh, or even numb to his situation...Perhaps that is because I AM...and haven't forgotten that HE put me there, (and of course, I allowed him to). Still, this is his cross to carry...(I'm still pulling out the splinters of his cross that I tried to carry for him).
Eventually, I came to terms with the reality of the origin of his issues, (which, btw, was the source of what created mine..had never the need for counselling before him). And realized that I can only be responsible for my own self. Once I began to act upon that reality, he felt threatened by it..began to discredit any and all therapists and my need for them. He was a little boy scared to death that he would have to face the fact that I was progressing and he was not. He knew he was losing me...yet, the fool would still defy acting upon any reslolution to keep me. His loss.

I'm not saying that this is your case, whatsoever. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you need to care for yourself FIRST and foremost. It sounds that, if left up to him, he'd only continue to discredit your need for improvement as a means of not having to deal with his own.
Don't abandon yourself as a means of a hopeful attempt to attend to his, (or for the two of your's)..it just doesn't work that way.

I can only hope that your situation is far from that of mine. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.....but it sounds so familiar.
I can only advise that you continue focusing on yourself, as it seems that he is fully aware of your improvement..yet feels threatened by it.

Unfortunately, there is no way you can make him seek the same goal as you are (regarding counselling, or improvement). He is fully aware of what it offers..heck....he sees what good it's doing for you, even though he is acting as though it is an inconvenience, or possibly creating issues for the two of you.
I wish you only the best...and that by some chance he does come around and begin to help you help him BY taking responsiblilty of his position in the marriage before it is too late.

I wish you the best. Keep us informed.....

Shangrala

[dolphinmkr44]

Pom, Thank you. I am trying hard not to give up on myself. Luckily I've found a good T that won't let me give up that easily.

Shangrala, Your story sounds so much like mine. I am sorry for your divorce, but you are standing up for what you need and I commend you for that. I can only hope that I get that strong to offically say enough is enough if he continues to be so unwilling to change and get help.

Thank you both for your support!

[AAAAA]

As you said it takes two to make it work. Since therapy will only work if the person is willing to participate, you cannot force, guilty, beg, etc anyone else to go. You have to do what’s right for yourself. Hopefully he’ll be able to see the benefits vs. the cost (ie your marriage) but if not, you and your child must be your first priority.