[nnnunley]

I have been in a marriage involving domestic violence for several years. My husband is now living out of the home and we are supposed to be working on our marriage. He has been out of the home for approx 2 months and has been sober since leaving. He is supposed to be getting help for the violence and abuse and has only attended one class and has many excuses for not going back. He still tries to control me on every level, even to the extent of complaining about my friends (ladies) being at the house and my time with them. Has anyone ever been in this situation that can point me in the right direction? Is there really hope for us, or is he still trying to do as little as possible and reap all the rewards of this marriage.

[jerrymichele]

Hi, I was once in your shoes. I don't think that they can change until they get help. He needs to see for himself that he has a problem. If he is still trying to control you then I don't think that he has changed. Just be very careful.

It sounds like he is in the right place AWAY from you ....

I dont think he can change you said it yourself he is still trying to control you and he isnt even living with you !

He has only been to one class in two months ! He has no intention of changing he is just waiting for you to weaken and then move back in.

[Shangrala]

I agree with Tishie....

And, IF you allow him back in again....Sure..it'll be great, (or seem so) at first....but that WILL change, and perhaps even be worse. This time, in his episodic rage he will also have that harbored anger about you getting rid of him in the first place. This can create a VERY dangerous situation for you.

He's gone. LET him STAY gone!!!
He has NO intentions of changing...NONE. His actions alone....(pishaw...ONE SINGLE class attendance????...Wow! Shows how important you really are to him....). Leave his sorry-ness where it is. You are far better off. You do not need that abuse....no one does.

Shangrala

[leahcim]

As you know I'm not an expert, I'm just a 50'ish year old guy who has read, seen and heard alot. I know of several close, personal instances involving friends and family members.

None has ever changed, no matter how much counseling. I don't know the exact statistics but I imagine it is rare for an abuser to change.

I wish you the best of luck and please keep us informed. In all the realationships I've ever had, and there have been several, I have never even raised my hand to a woman. That type of behaviour is foreign to me.

Please stay safe....

[AAAAA]

Hello nnnunley and welcome to PC.

There is hope for a marriage after domestic violence but IF and only if the abuser is really willing to work on their issues. When my father drank he was an abusive drunk. He went into detox for a very long time. It was a whole program that included family counseling. He was able to remain sober and virtually violence free for 25 years. Many people would be embarrassed about this, but because he was able to change his life he was my hero. Those memories of violence are still with me, but so is the knowledge that change is possible.

Frankly it does not sound like your husband has learned his lesson. I fully understand why he wouldn’t want to return. The people that run these programs don’t put up with any BS. Any rationalization he would offer for his behavior will be met with a serious dose of reality. People that aren’t in a place to humble themselves and accept that they have a problem and accept the help being offered find this very difficult to deal with.

The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to set up rules. 1) You are an adult in control of your own life. PERIOD 2) He must attend these classes 3) Counseling is mandatory for both of you. You need to know what signs to look for that he is slipping back into that aggressor role, and how to avoid your role of victim. It’s very rare to find someone strong enough to look at themselves and make these necessary changes.

[sabby]

Unfortunately, in my situation, no....there was no hope after about the 12th time we reconciled and within a week, I was being physically forced out my front door and other abuses being done which I will not get into here.

As with an alcoholic, first there must be accountability and agreement by the abuser that they are ill and need to help themselves learn new coping skills so they never do it again. At this point, your husband is showing that he does not accept he has an issue since he went to one session and never went back. He is not being held accountable nor is he recognizing that he has and IS the problem.

I also understand very well how the abuser has emotionally wreaked havoc with our self esteem and how they make it so very very difficult to stand strong and stay safe away from them. Please do not forget how he's made you feel, not just from the physical abuse, but from the emotional and possible verbal abuse as well. Let your gut feelings guide you through this difficult time. Don't allow your heart to be louder than your gut. Don't....for ANY reason allow your mind to do that negative self talk that he probably trained you on very well. Let your gut speak out over that negative talk. And most of all.....NEVER EVER make another excuse for his behavior again!

I never saw my ex change his ways. In fact, between myself and my two daughters, we all had him arrested for assault within a 5 year period. I also saw him reign his terror on his 2nd wife as well. It takes a very special individual to actually find help, apply it and change their ways. I can't say it never happens, but I will take a gamble and say it rarely happens.

I wish you well!


sabby

[Rmdctc]

I would say not to go back with him. He seems to not have changed if he is still trying to controll you on every level. In my personal opinion I would never go back to a guy who has hit me or anything like that. You need to have boundries with him. I wish you luck!