[saveitforlater]

In April of this year my older sister and I got into a serious argument. We were driving home from visiting my father along with her husband. I asked if I could drive. She said no, that I wasn't familiar with her SUV (I have driven it before on a long trip to the beach). I told her that but she just said no. I was angry. I said "You know, being a know-it-all is a very unattractive quality". Words were exchanged and then she told me the real reason she didn't want me to drive. She said it was because I was on medication. I reminded her that I drive myself to and from work every day on medication and I am fine. The other piece that came up is that she said she doesn't trust me, that a lot has happened in the recent past. I had a suicide attempt in August, 2008. She didn't refer to that directly but I know that is what she was talking about. Then she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore unless it was in my therapist's office. I told her maybe she needed to get her own therapist and we could talk there. Then she said I've always been jealous and resentful of her. I reminded her that I've held the same job for 16 years while she has been fired from at least 9 jobs over the past 10 years. I told her maybe it would be better off for us if we were just estranged.

After talking with my therapist about what happened she suggested that I needed some time to cool down. So I waited until about three weeks ago and contacted my sister via e-mail. She had put a block on my e-mail address and I had to fill out a form to get the message sent. I said in the message that I had been thinking about her and told her that my therapist was willing to facilitate the process of healing and did she want to come in for some sessions with me. She wrote back a few days later saying that while she appreciated me wishing to heal the relationship she was not ready for that but to let my therapist know that at some point she may be. She signed off with "Best of luck in all your future endevors".

The problem is that I go back to work in September (I'm a teacher with a very demanding job). I know I'm not going to have the psychic energy to deal with therapy with her if she decides at any point during the school year that she is ready. I don't want to be pushy and write her back and tell her this but at the same time I want to start the healing process before I go back to work. Any advice?

[spiritual_emergency]

saveitforlater: I don't want to be pushy and write her back and tell her this but at the same time I want to start the healing process before I go back to work. Any advice?

It sounds to me as if the healing process has begun, it's just that right now it's on your end -- she's not there yet.

Unfortunately, I don't think you can force the issue. You have to wait until she's ready but the mere fact that you extended the olive branch might begin her process. I don't know what her personality is like but for some people, they need the other party to make the first move. Now that you have, she might also move very quickly.

If it does come up during the school year I suggest you not rebuff her efforts or ask her to wait until the end of June, but rather, attempt to deal with it as your energy permits. Do explain to her that you may have to take it slow because of the other demands upon your time. It does sound like there have been some issues festering for a few years so it might take a while but assuming you love and care for each other, it will be worth it.

.

[saveitforlater]

Hi Spiritual Emergency:

Thanks for responding and your thoughtful advice. I'm anxious for the healing process to begin on her end but understand that I can't force things. There have been issues for many years and we've never worked on them in a therapeutic setting for any length of time. One of my friends suggested that we just have a superficial relationship but that would be really difficult for me after what happened. Thanks again.

[jerrymichele]

You know I have an estranged relationship with my sister also. We haven't talked in almost 2 years. I love her, and she has tried to make a relationship with me since then, and I just won't allow it at this time. We have issues from our childhood that she resents me for, which really was my parents fault for how she feels. I have tried on many occasions to find out what the problem is with her animosity towards me, and she just will not tell me. Our mother passed when I was 15, and she was 17. Our father passed when I was 27 and she was 29. There is just her and I. When our parents passed she did some pretty mean and nasty things to me. Let me just say that when there is some money involved it will ruin a relationship. She also tries to make me feel like I'm the worst piece of crap about myself, but I don't feel that way about myself. I'm just at a point in my life now that I'm not going to be around her if she can't show me some kind of respect. She has even tried to have her husband preach to me about certain things I do in my life. Which I'm not out there breaking the law or anything, and I do take care of myself. I'm a 35 year old woman, and sometimes she tries to treat me like a child. Just doesn't add up to me. I will say this at least you have opened up to your sister. The therapy is a good idea, maybe in the near future I will suggest this to my sister. It sounds like your sister is blaming the relationship problems all on you. That's where the therapy will really help with her also. She needs to understand that it's just not you, and that she has her part in it also. I also wouldn't reach out to her anymore. You did your part. It's in her ball court now. I would be there when she's ready, and that's all that I would do for right now. You also shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You seem like a good person to me especially since you have been teaching kids for 16 years. That says something about you, so I know that your not that bad. Anyways sorry to ramble on, and I do help this helps you. Take Care

[saveitforlater]

Hi Jerrymichele:

Thanks for your advice. First I want to express my sorrow at your parents passing when you are so young. Otherwise we do have things in common regarding the way our sisters treat us. My sister has done some pretty mean things to me in the past and I think I've just taken it and not fully expressed how I feel to her (until our recent argument when I just lost it). Like you, my sister treats me like a child sometimes too and I'm 47! I have decided to leave the ball in her court and not contact her anymore. I did send her a forward after the e-mail but with no note. I didn't hear back from her. I just feel like the time is now to try to mend fences. But my hands are tied if she is not ready.

Thanks again for replying to me. It means a lot to me.

[Pomegranate]

You both have to respect each other's feelings. That's how healing will start. My daughter has not spoken to me in years. I am ready and waiting for her if it ever happens. Likewise my mother keeps trying to have a closer relationship with me than I am comfortable with. I can't force my feelings and I can't accept the disrespect I feel from her. It's unfortunate we are all not in the same forgiving place at the same time but that is just reality.

You are ready NOW to try and heal your relationship with your sister. If you are sincere I think you will find that you remain ready whenever she is. If she becomes ready and is sincere, she will understand and respect your feelings if you aren't able to jump into therapy right at that moment.

Try taking this problem one day at a time. Don't project how you will or won't be feeling in the future. How can you know? Just keep your arms and mind open, when/if she comes to you, just be honest about where you are at, at that time. Maybe she won't be ready until next summer, then that will work out well for both of you, right?

[saveitforlater]

Hi Pomegranate:

Yes, I do tend to project how I will be feeling in the future. This is great advice, just take it one day at a time.

Thanks for your response.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

You both have to respect each other's feelings. That's how healing will start. My daughter has not spoken to me in years. I am ready and waiting for her if it ever happens. Likewise my mother keeps trying to have a closer relationship with me than I am comfortable with. I can't force my feelings and I can't accept the disrespect I feel from her. It's unfortunate we are all not in the same forgiving place at the same time but that is just reality.

You are ready NOW to try and heal your relationship with your sister. If you are sincere I think you will find that you remain ready whenever she is. If she becomes ready and is sincere, she will understand and respect your feelings if you aren't able to jump into therapy right at that moment.

Try taking this problem one day at a time. Don't project how you will or won't be feeling in the future. How can you know? Just keep your arms and mind open, when/if she comes to you, just be honest about where you are at, at that time. Maybe she won't be ready until next summer, then that will work out well for both of you, right?

Pome I know that it's so painful for you about your daughter. There was a time in my life that I did not speak to my dad for 10 years. I was very anger with him. I've got to say that I always thought about him. So one Christmas I decided to put my anger aside and send him a Christmas card with my phone # in it, and he called me. We started a relationship again, but I did let him know about my anger, and he told me that he was sorry. Here's another story for you. My bf's mom hasn't had a relationship with her daughter since my bf's brother passed. Everytime I see one of them they always ask about the other one. I always ask each of them if they would like the other one's phone #, and they both tell me no. I really think it's because one is afraid to approach the other one. Your daughter might not be on speaking terms, but I know that she thinks about you. I also think that she will come back into your life. One thing that I have learned from being a mother myself is that kids think that parents sould be perfect. They forget that we are human beings just like they are.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by saveitforlater

Hi Jerrymichele:

Thanks for your advice. First I want to express my sorrow at your parents passing when you are so young. Otherwise we do have things in common regarding the way our sisters treat us. My sister has done some pretty mean things to me in the past and I think I've just taken it and not fully expressed how I feel to her (until our recent argument when I just lost it). Like you, my sister treats me like a child sometimes too and I'm 47! I have decided to leave the ball in her court and not contact her anymore. I did send her a forward after the e-mail but with no note. I didn't hear back from her. I just feel like the time is now to try to mend fences. But my hands are tied if she is not ready.

Thanks again for replying to me. It means a lot to me.

My mom has been gone almost 20 years, so I do ok now, but thank you. I still think about her, and my dad, but I'm done with the grieving process. The only thing is, I feel like I don't know what it's like to have parents. I know that this sounds strange, but my mom passed when I was young, and my dad wasn't much involved with me, until a year before he passed. I have panic disorder, so I can't deal with drama to much. My sister loves drama, and I can't deal with it. You know I might just try therapy with her, if she's game for it. The way she is though, I just don't know. I know that I can admitt to my mistakes, but she needs to admitt hers to. I think that we all helped each other out on your thread.

[leahcim]

It may be different in a brother/sister relationship as is mine but the issues are similar. In the past she has been watchful about my being around her daughter, about driving her anywhere, about how I take care of my mother.

All this because I take ambien to sleep and lorazapam for stress. I can tell you that at almost 6-2 and 250 lbs, 1.5 mg of lorazapam barely has an effect on me.

We've been through many fights over the years. But we're one year apart...have always been very close and best friends and this is the only issue she's worried about. Now this goes back 8 years the age of her daughter).

Botom line...my sis finally trusts me after watching me for several years. I can tell you that we never stay mad at each other for very long. I hope the same happens with your sis and that everything will be back to normal after a short bit.

[Rmdctc]

I think you need to let her take her time. I would also say that even thought you feel that you could not deal with this during the school year that I think you are much stronger then you think you are. It may take you longer but in the end it will work out. I wish you lots of strength to help you.

[saveitforlater]

Thank you for your reply RMDCTC. I think you are right; that I need to give her time. If she does respond during the school year I could try a session with her and see how I handle it and take it from there. I've been thinking a lot about when we were children and got along and it makes me sad that we are where we are right now. Thanks for wishing me strength; I need it so much.