[marriedajerk]

Ok what do you do when you have four kids under the age of 11 and am unhappy with the man who you married??? He rather spend time with his daughter who he had with the first woman? The boy is from the first woman but he does not put the same time with him. I asked him to hang the clothes with me and he said he was talking to his daugther who he always has and will continue to put first. He went out to hand the clothes with his daugter. I feel like she is the wife and I am not. This has been happen before we married and he promised he would change. I feel I deserve better but the kids want him in their life that is why I married him. I do not respect him as a man, I love him but I know I deserve better and I am so lonely. I try to do the best for the family and make ends meet the with family as best as I can but as the days move on I find it harder. I am hating him more each day and myself, mostly myself. I understand if she was under the age of 18 but she is not. She does not pay for anything and her mom does not help. to top it off she get f's and d's in college. I think he is sick in his own why? Why would a man perfer his adult daughter over his wife!!!! I believe he is a little sick? Or am I sick to be with him?

[marjan]

I think if you put aside this jealousy towards his daughter and try to have some compasion for them, then things will get smoother!
Honesty, this is my personal experience....If I feel jealous, which is happening often in a relationship and ruining my relationship, then everything goes back...
Think about her as a poor kid who has her parents being divorced...and think about him as a poor dad who is carring a guilt feelings over years....
Guys usually favour their daughter over their sons....that's very natural...nothing wrong with it at all....I think your husband has lots of guilt feelings and he thinks you and your kids have him already and don't need his attention as much as your step daughter needs....
However, if you start creating compasion towards both of them and try to see good stuff in them, life will be easier for you....You can't change them, but you can change yourself...you can change the way that you think about situation and the way that you behave!
I know this is easy to say, but you can practise it little by little and see the resault....

take care
Marjan

P.S. by the way...welcome to PC...you will find good friends here

[Pomegranate]

I would concentrate on myself and my own children. Keep them safe. Get yourself ready - with the help of therapy would be my strong suggestion - to leave him.

I would also find out just what the extent of the relationship is between him and his daughter. If it is sexual I would call the police for that child's sake and for you and your children. This man sounds real sick. If it's not sexual then maybe the two of you could work things out in counseling together.

[NuckingFutz]

time to ask yourself, would you be better off without this man? On all counts you have answered yes. The key here is you do not have to do it alone. You have us to bounce stuff off of plus i agree that therapy is needed. I know you have a lot of young children. The objective is making good choices from now on. Keep on posting...we will be here.

[Shangrala]

Yep, yep, yep. I so agree. Take care of what is primary here = Yourself and your kids.

Begin to make suttle preparations ensuring the security for your primary. Such as, setting up a seperate savings account solely in your name, (something I should have done waaaaaaaaaaaaaay long ago, but ignored. Have done this past year though...necessary for my sense of self).
Begin to make suttle deposits into that account, ones that will not be noticed. Every little bit helps and it all adds up.
And, even if you don't end up leaving, you'll still have that account in your name for whatever the reason. Provides you a sense of your own self FOR your own self.

Seeking counseling is also necessary. If just to assist you in getting through this.

I have to agree some with Marjan, though. Perhaps you are investing too much of your emotions into viewing your step dot as your competition. However, that is easy for me to say, as I do not know to what extents your hub takes this. If it is something sexual that he has going with his dot, then something definately needs to be done ASAP.

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone in this.
I can only hope that you will be able to find some support through us, and conseling for yourself as well.

Keep us informed. We all do care.

Shangrala

[jerrymichele]

Maybe you need to separate from him for a while. I agree that he should help you with your responsibilities. I also agree that sounds a little weird to me too. I really haven't seen any man I know act like that. If you do separate you can get him to pay child support, so that will help you with your bills. That really sounds really freaky to me. I would leave. What does the kids say about all of this? I know that they have got to wonder.

[AAAAA]

I love my husband with all of my heart and soul but our kids always have and always will come first for both of us. I don’t see anything wrong with him spending time with his adult daughter, perhaps he’s feeling (as my husband is) that these days are numbered. As children get older, their future spouses and families take a primary role in their life. Don’t ever make the mistake of making him choose between you and his children. Who could ever trust a man (or woman) that chooses a woman over his children?

I do think that both you and your husband should make time for each other. Have a date night. It’s not unreasonable to ask for time with him as well, but do it in a way that does not criticize or compare the time he shares with his kids.