[salukigirl]

My boyfriend and I have been dating about 7 months now. He graduates with his Masters in December and I graduate with my B.S. in May. By the time he is done we will have been together for almost a year and we're kind of dancing around the idea of moving in together. Well his roommate flew off the handle over something stupid and now has basically been saying my boyfriend is forced to move out Jan 1 after he defends.

He is pretty fickle. Sometimes he will go on these tangents about how he wants to marry me, have babies....the whole sha-bang. Then the next day he will get kind of defensive about it and will out on the reverse a little bit.

I'm not an ultimatum type of girl and I don't like pressuring people. And at the same time I love having my freedom and living by myself. But, honestly, this is the first person I have ever been able to picture myself with and feel so comfortable with. I know that we are both in it for the long haul but I can't get him off the fence. I know he is scared because his last serious girlfriend f-ed him over in the worst way. (They were hundreds of miles away in Colorado. After over 5 years together, he came back from CO and she stayed there with another man. Then came back to town ON HIS BIRTHDAY to pick up all her stuff and married this other guy 3 months later).

I really can't imagine having a person do those things to me so I get why he goes back and forth but I don't know how to approach him and say "come on, just do it" and have him agree to move in in a couple months. I don't want to be pressuring or make it seem like I'm forcing him but at the same time, I'd like to know whether it's going to go the next step in a few months or not. How do I approach him about this?

[jerrymichele]

I would tell him not to talk about it anymore if he's not sure what his intentions are. Tell him that he is giving you mixed signals which it seems like he is.

[eskielover]

You haven't known him long enough to move in together.....I didn't know my husband a year before we were married. I was getting my BS & he just graduated that May. We met in September & got married the next June. Unfortunately, I realized just before we got married that there were too many things about his personality that I didn't like.....My Mother said...."He'll grow up".....he never did. It took 33 years for me to finally leave, but the last 12 years, we were living in separate areas of the house.

It's important to really know the person before you decide to move in together. I am not one that believes in living together in the first place, but it's better to keep it separate until you absolutely know this is the person you will get married to.

My daughter moved out of state & had her own place, then decided to move in with her boyfriend....then they bought a house together, they he decided he didn't want in the relationship any longer.......she pretty much lost everything in that situation......unfortunately, she didn't follow her mom's guidance in being able to financially take care of yourself just in case......so she is always dependent on living with someone to make ends meet. Don't do anything until you have your independence established in the first place......worst thing is to get into a situation before that & end up stuck.

Better off being alone & letting him figure out where he is coming from. You can give him all the support & understanding from a separate location before you ever go farther...in the end, he is the one that has to figure it all out.

My sister-in-law.....lived with a guy who didn't want to ever get married...hoping that some day he would. She took care of everything just as if she were his wife without any of the benefits......they decided to break up for whatever reason.....she came out of that relationship ok because he was a stunt person for the movies & had money he gave her when they separated...they had lived together for years enough for common law, but never filed.....he was good enough to care for her well being.....many don't care & only care about themselves.

From all my experiences & observations......best to make it alone first.....only get together if you know that you both love each other.....being on the fence doesn't count....it can go either way...not a good risk to take.

JMO,
Debbie

[Rhombus]

Too many people move in together before they're ready. Don't think "oh we've been together X number of months, we should live together now". My boyfriend and I have been together a year and while I would like for us to live together, I don't want to rush into things.

[salukigirl]

Its nothing like that. I really wouldn't change a thing about him. He listens to me, helps me out and does really sweet things for me. He realizes when he's done wrong and apologizes right away and, most importantly, he loves me for who I am and tells me that all the time.

I have always had to deal with things like guys being insecure because I make more money than them or have better grades than them but he is totally supportive.

The question wasn't really about whether it's right for us to do, it was about how to approach the situation. I appreciate your guys' input but I don't think that those assumptions are being fair to him, me or our relationship.

Thanks Jerry, I appreciate it. I think tonight I'm going to talk to him about it. I know there is still a while before it happens but I'm the opposite of a procrastinator haha

[eskielover]

Oh, my husband was the nicest person.....he was really sweet also & he always helped me out when he wanted to (which was most of the time)........sounds exactly like how my husband was most of the time. Like you, I had the better grades & I ended up with the equal job as an aerospace engineer.......there are things that are under those things that it takes time to come out......things like I was still in school & had my priorities......when I had a test & he wanted me to go have fun & I knew how much studying I had to do......I was controlling. When he graduated from college, he was working for a bank just as a teller....but because he was working for them, he thought they owed him the job when he graduated.....his grades were low because he thought he was so good he didn't have to work hard.....well, the company didn't want him because of the low grades & he got all pissy about it.....that was the start of seeing his real personality.....what he really was under the really nice guy......sadly, that personality was what ruined the marriage......even though he was the nicest guy throughout the 33 years....under the nice guy was a real jerk......so you can have the nicest guy in the world, but until you know his real personality.....You don't know him......& you don't have to live with they to get to know their personality.

I have been around & seen many relationships end up this same way.....take it from an older person who has observed many people in my life......you need to give a relationship several years before ever moving in together..........what do you have to loose.....if he really loves you & turns out to be the really great person with out a bad personality....he will be there in the few years it takes to really get to know him......if not, you haven't lost anything anyway.......you have nothing to loose by waiting....you have something to loose by not.

Just think really hard about what you are doing before getting that involved so quickly.

Debbie

Originally Posted by salukigirl

Its nothing like that. I really wouldn't change a thing about him. He listens to me, helps me out and does really sweet things for me. He realizes when he's done wrong and apologizes right away and, most importantly, he loves me for who I am and tells me that all the time.

I have always had to deal with things like guys being insecure because I make more money than them or have better grades than them but he is totally supportive.

The question wasn't really about whether it's right for us to do, it was about how to approach the situation. I appreciate your guys' input but I don't think that those assumptions are being fair to him, me or our relationship.

Thanks Jerry, I appreciate it. I think tonight I'm going to talk to him about it. I know there is still a while before it happens but I'm the opposite of a procrastinator haha

[Pomegranate]

Hi (((((Saluki.)))))) To me it sounds like all he simply needs is more time. You sound like you are in a good place, not too needy, independent but caring. So if things are good between the two of you except when the living together comes up sometimes, I would then just leave it alone.

He'll either get to a comfort level where he'll feel - like you - "let's just take the jump," or he won't. If you make it an issue it could become more about control, or just simply a bigger issue than it needs to be between the two of you. Enjoy where your relationship is at right now - it sounds good! And let the good feelings and trust build between the two of you. He will then naturally come to the place where he'll be ready for the next step.

If that doesn't happen and you start feeling like there is a REAL problem, THEN you deal with it and make your decision on what you want to do about the relationship. Focus on all the good and on all you two have together, not on the little bit that isn't perfect. That may keep you happy and content for quite a long time - long enough for him to catch up with you as far as what the next step should be in your relationship.

[salukigirl]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the comments and suggestions. I talked to him the other night and said I wasn't trying to pressure or force anything, I was just wondering where it was going and he said he was planning on it but I guess the times he had been flaky were when he was getting into it with his roommate and was just angry. (his roommate is the biggest reason why this is getting pushed early).

So yeah, we talked about it. I told him that I still want my space and it works perfectly because he has to spend the next 3 months finishing his thesis so he will be in his office a lot working on that and I will still get my time. We have talked about still keeping the "girls night" and "boys night" type of thing so for right now it seems to be working out really well.

Ill post updates! Thanks again everyone!