What to do...

Most of my life, my dad prevented my mom and I from seeing relatives on my moms side. He would make mom feel guilty for wanting to be with them on occasions, instead of being with him. I've never talked about this much. But I remember him backtalking about them quite a bit. His way of getting control of her once again. Now that I am not around him , I have stepped up in a way to try to see if there is anything to repair, or gain from contacting them. I've started by contacting them on a social networking site.And 3 of my second cousins who are practically around my age, followed thru in accepting me. Relief, I was scared because of not taking rejection well yet again. But now, I dont know what to say to them, or anything. About the only time we did get to see them was briefly on Christmas Eve afternoon when they came to our house. Mom was one of my cousins Godmother, so the cousin brought her a gift. And then when they graduated we were invited to the parties too. I did enjoy seeing them. But I feel that my dad has polluted my mind so much about how to think of them, I cant seem to figure out how to get away from that and find a new starting point. I feel like I need to apologize for his actions.. and mine too for not trying to have my own opinions sooner than this. I am usually very social, but this has just got me frazzled big time. Help.... please?!?!

I think this relationship holds a lot of significance for you, as it symbolizes some of the things you disliked about your father and still carry around with you. But from their perspective, that meaning and history isn't there. I think they probably just see you as a cousin who they don't really know much about.

If you approach this just from your perspective, apologizing for your father or getting your own personal history involved in another way, I think it might weird them out. I'm not saying you could NEVER do this, but I think you probably want to establish a little rapport first.

I get that it seems like a puzzle right now and you're trying to figure out which angle to build that rapport and reach out. I think it looks complicated because of your own history with your father and because of some personal issues with rejection that you alluded to. I think it's simpler than that, though.

I'd suggest pretending like that wasn't an issue and just getting to know them as if they were estranged family members you just didn't really know. I'm confident that you would know exactly what to say to someone in that situation, something simple like "it's great to get in touch with you finally! What are you guys all up to these days?" If a relationship forms, it'll form naturally over time. It's not something you have to rush or even work at.

Good luck.

I agree. I would just start now maybe saying something like "you know we really didn't get to know each other growing up but now life has changed and I would like to make a new start and get to know you all." explainations can come later. maybe if you can host a cookout for those that are your age. kind of a family reunion!

((Sweet)))))))))))))) I agree with bebop
You kinda really have to start over with them if you want to get to know them
If you can remove what your dad said about them. Get to know them and see what you think. Trust you.
Tell them about you. What you like in life. Be yourself. You may find you have a huge connection in life. You may find taking this chance you will have a whole other family plus friends. Good luck on this.
Take the chance,,,your worth it.

My family just had a reunion and I saw cousins I haven't seen in over 20 years. We had to do exactly what everyone said above. It was like meeting people I didn't know. People change a lot in twenty years! After a while, we started joking about the things we did remember and we even started talking about our grandfather and how awesome he was. But first, we had to connect as the new and different people we all are now.

I'll reply when I get home tonight or tomorrow morning. I gotta head to class now. Thank you though for your replies, I will think about them and take them to heart!!

Again thank you everyone for your replies and advice. After some thought about what you've said, I am trying to get the actual courage up to say something. There is one thing I forgot to add in there that is kind of holding me back. And I know this is just something I need to talk myself out of thinking. Dad was also very strong in his opinions of people. He was very ademant about mom and I knowing that we weren't as good as the cousins were. I've struggled with this for a long time. And I guess I still am to some extent. In alot of ways in my life. Its been very hard to think of myself to be just as good as anyone else. I am so afraid that I wont be good enough. Sure I can put on a front when I have to. But always deep down, I don't know how it is to be good enough. I've never been a good enough daughter to my dad, a sister to my siblings, nor even a wife to my husband , he still chooses his family over me so much of the time. And to those who I want to be friends with, I think I am the worst of all to you. I am always so afraid of saying something dumb or way out there that its not going to be useful at all to anyone. This is why, so much of the time, I wish my mom was here. Because she never thought anything less of me if I couldnt rise up to her standards. She accepted me, and I knew that. I knew it. But the rest of the people in my life, I dont know it. She was the constant in my life.

Hello again. I get the feeling that you're not really looking for advice, but more support and encouragement. I hope I'm not overstepping any boundaries here, but I wanted to share something I learned and think is relevant to your situation.

Trying to talk yourself out of thinking is really the same as trying to think yourself out of thinking. It doesn't really work. You just have to forget about it and try. Will you eff up? Eh. Maybe. But you won't be the first person to eff up and you'll recover from it. I think you'll actually manage just fine. You might be a little wobbly at first (picture a baby deer just learning to walk) but you'll find your balance and then just be, without worrying so much if you'll measure up right or if you're okay. You'll find the courage to let go of trying to prevent mistakes and just accept that you'll be able to deal with mistakes as they come, if they do. That courage comes from experience, and the experience comes from just trying and having faith in yourself. Don't have faith right now? No problem. Just try and you'll find it was there.

There is a lot of history you seem to be carrying around. I'm not saying you're bad for this, but I think you can probably picture, as I can, a life where you just ARE, free of that weight on your shoulders. I'm of the opinion that you don't have to sort it all out. Just let it go. Leave it in the past and recreate yourself into the person you want to be, a person who is friendly, caring, and strong, who feels her worth and doesn't let others determine it for her. If you're afraid you don't know how to be that, just act it out for now. You'll develop a new way of seeing the world and then have a better choice of what to do.

Hope it all works out for ya.

Edahn~
Thanks, I think your pretty on the spot with your opinion. And I dont feel you've stepped over any boundaries here either. I asked for help, and thats what you've given. Sorry I didnt get back to this sooner. Been a crazy couple weeks and its not over yet lol. I haven't made any kind of effort to reach out to the cousins yet. Still trying to work up that courage to do it. Its getting closer though. I'm hoping to try this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed!!

Well I wanted to update this a bit. I took the opportunity of having a small graduation party for myself this coming Friday. I invited my 3 second cousins( which none are able to come due to their kids having activities they need to be at) Which is understandable. One of the cousins pm'd me and so I started a chat up with her. We decided we need to get together soon. We don't have a date yet. But I told her to find a time that the three of them have open and we will set something up then. Its much harder for them to find the time since they work full time and also have kids. I am very excited about this, yet scared. I haven't really seen them socially like this in almost 19 yrs. I will update again when we have a date set up and how it went.. Thanks again for helping me with this, sorry it took so long for me to get the courage up to do something though. But better late than never

that is great Beth! I hope you have a great time getting to know them again. Family is so important. keep us posted!

Perhaps a refresher here would be helpful: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/