[Lilypad]

Hi. I'm new and glad to see you. Here's the problem. My sister is narcissistic, so I try to limit the time I spend with her. She's on leave from work, and is bored. Here's the pattern. She leaves msg for me: want to get together? I say no. She keeps asking; I keep saying no. She enlists people close to me to get at me. I write her a letter explaining why I don't want to see her. A few weeks later, she calls to tell me she's in the hospital. I feel bad. The next time she calls, I say ok, let's get together. And it begins again.

This time I said ok, then changed my mind after feeling horrible. I said I wasn't really up for a visit, could she handle it? She said, "whatever."

I'm waiting for the storm to come. Anyone out there have any alternative ideas?

[Wants2Fly]

Welcome to the Forums, Lily. The Psych Central Forums are a great place to meet people with similar issues, to get support and ideas.

I don't have any at the moment, but I'm looking forward to to learning what others have to say. One thing I'm unclear about -- What do you mean by "narcissistic"? What does you sister do, besides nag you to spend time with her, that is so unpleasant? I hope I'm not prying about things you prefer not to reveal at this point.

[Lilypad]

I mean she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I base this on what I've learned at http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html The most problematic trait is that she lacks empathy. I thank you for asking. We came through a tough childhood. I chose therapy; she chose her own reality. I have struggled to learn how to protect myself emotionally and establish boundaries, but she feels entitled (another psych term) to my time and resources.

[TgrsPurr]

Our responses to ppl, all ppl, teach them how to treat us. If you continually give in, where is the insentive for your sister to stop begging when it's worked so well in the past. I can't make this decision for you as to what to do, to see her, to not see her. My advice is this, if she is that unhealthy for you to be around and brings you down and tears you down. Then you need to set a consistant and solid boundry that you will not see her until she gets some help. Provide her with names and numbers of places she can get help. Let the rest of the family know where you stand and these other ppl she enlists to call you and tell you to see her. They are probably just trying to pawn her off on you anyway, so they can get a reprieve.
If you feel strong enough to be around her and not succumb to any abuse, mistreatment or ill affect...set boundaries within the context your willing to see her. Only for so much time, at a determined place, with so and so present...these are just suggestions. I don't know the specifics of your situation. that being said, all I can do is reiterate...we teach people how to treat us. This is a good thing because then we have to power to change whatever might be wrong or harmful or abusive to us.
Good Luck. We're here for you. I'm glad you made your way to PC. Look forward to getting to know you better. TgrsPurr.

[CedarS]

I've dealt with similiar family dynamics, I'll imagine I'm in your shoes for a moment and write out some ideas on how I might handle things.

I'd make sure I kept working on it all in therapy, keep it front and center.

I'd try to use my journal more, write freely, draw, see what comes up. I'd notice any negative messages to myself and work on countering them.

I'd look through some books picked up from library, titles like "How to Deal with Difficult People" come to mind, books on that theme, that give ideas on communication techniques, also I'd look through books and articles on boundaries.

I'd hopefully reward myself somehow for managing to notice the fact that I'm in a loop with a family member. Good job! Coming from a traumatic past, it might be easier to just blame myself and schlump along, deny it all, let people tromp all over me. Instead I am bravely paying attention, noticing, identifying, and researching alternatives.

I'd include some humor stat. Funny movie, songs, anything to loosen me up, get me breathing again, give me a new perspective.

I'd write some lists, like......"What's the worst that could happen if I said No and stuck to it?" This imagine the worst technique doesn't always work, sometimes it really does, I imagine out the worst then write down what I'd do in each circumstance. Helps me take vague worries to clear light where I can examine them. Also can unearth some humor.

I'd read up lots on communication and assertiveness, lots. I'd consider changing my pattern of response to my sister. I wouldn't explain much anymore and I wouldn't ask if her if she was okay with my decision. I wouldn't offer any fuel for the usual fires.

I'd work on my own grief and survivor's guilt, I'd take extra good care of myself, I'd be very compassionate to myself, like a very best friend.

I'd practice stomping round my house alone some, saying "No" firmly and clearly, I'd push my hands out and say "Back off!". Anything that comes to mind that helps me be in my own body, with my own choices, my own safe boundaries.

I'd imagine myself a girl scientist who is experimenting away, no failure can happen, only more results to explore and examine.

*Grin* You'll do fine, you have a major part of the work achieved, you -know- what is going on.

Sarah

[CedarS]

*pointies to what TgrsPurr said* Yeah, and what she said.

i remember going to support groups when my teenagers were using drugs and one of the first things that we were taught was when we make a decision concerning boundaries.....there is no discussion of it with the teen. if you allow a tiny crack to show in your armor, then it's gloves off and you find yourself mired in a sea of "what ifs", "oh yeahs", "why nots", etc. etc. etc....i imagine your sister is pretty good at manipulating the entire family and if you give her the opportunity to make you "discuss" your boundaries..it's hell to pay!! good luck....pat

[Lilypad]

Thank you all for the ideas and personal experience. I feel more at peace since I told her I'd changed my mind and didn't feel up for a visit. I really appreciate your support.

[Lilypad]

Today is the day I was supposed to see my sister, but cancelled. Until today, I had regrets. Did I do the right thing? It might have been fun. I don't want to hurt her. But last week I was miserable, feeling like I'd given in because of her emotional blackmail. I feel like I need to be deliberate in my dealings with her, and be certain that I'm aware of my feelings.

Today I'm glad I don't have to go out. If she's still angry at me, at least that might keep her from calling and pressuring me for a while.

When I'm not online, I have the phone unplugged, since my sister gets my mother involved, who enjoys blaming me. Neither respects my boundaries.

It's hard, trying to be a good person. Learning boundaries is for my survival. But I was raised being told that family is the only thing you can count on, and that runs deep inside of me, even when presented with evidence to the contrary.

If someone told me they needed to be alone right now, I would say, "That's ok. I understand." Not, "Whatever you say."

I'm scared, knowing they'll find a way to get to me. They always do.

[(JD)]

Setting boundaries with others who blame (or refuse to take responsibility) is tough to stick with: it's ok to shut off the phone, to not answer the phone nor the messages and to not go out with someone you don't consider fun!

But it sounds like you want to be able to do stuff with her. Make sure it's her problem and not yours (which you are probably doing through therapy.)

Can you choose something NOT at your home but meet her somewhere else to do something? That way you will be able to leave and get back to "safety" of home. Give her a time limit... ok but I have an appointment so I can't stay long... (an appointment with sanity at home???) just thinking aloud.

[Lilypad]

Those are some good ideas. Thanks for thinking.