[mikec232]

Hello everyone,

I've been with my fiancé for a little over four years. We are both 26 yrs. old. Lately (for the past few moths) she has been less than interested in sex, or sleeping in the same bed. She is oversleeping, and rarely gets to work on-time anymore. She is an actress, but has not been going to auditions, lately. She even stopped hanging out with her long-time friends,in favor of younger girls (10 8-21 r. olds). We don't talk anymore. In fact, she would rather be silent or leave our home, than to speak. She even avoids eye contact with me.

I'm fed up. But I love her, and I don't want to leave her. I think that she needs me now, perhaps more than ever. I'm really afraid because she says things like; "I don't care about anything" and "I don't feel anything" if I ask her opinion about something. She refuses to get help, and says that she is not ready to face her problems.

I mentioned my feelings to one of her best friends, who made me aware that she had seen a psychiatrist before. He told her that she was in a deep depression and wanted to write her a scrib. She never went back. This was the first time I heard this information.

Her father passed last October, but she seemed fine until a few months ago. Please give me some insight.

Thanks

[jerrymichele]

I'm so sorry. A lot of PDOCS (psychiatrist) just do the medical part of it. It's just like going to a regular MD. I would bring this up to her. I would also keep encouraging her to go to the Dr. Tell her that you really want her to feel better.

[Junerain]

The loss may be a delayed reaction, it may be 'hitting..' her now...along with a chemical imbalance that only adds to the depression..

You could show her what you wrote on this very thread, to make her aware how concerned you are, and that you are hurting by her illness too..

[tishtosh]

Trust me when i say she is relying on you and she does love you, think about it this way she wont have contact with you and she wont look into your eyes, shes just lost one man she loves and im guessing shes scared to lose another, so she thinks by pushin you away she can win this fear. i know thats how i feel, my dad just died too. try and get her to the docs. she does need help. but it will work out. good luck.

[VickiesPath]

Definitely smacks of depression and I agree strongly with tishtosh. She does need you. It sounds like it is very advanced at this time. Try really hard to get her evaluated. A lot of people resist and resist strongly. See if you can come up with a strategy, maybe an intervention type thing with some other people to help you? Please keep us posted. We care.

[mikec232]

Everyone,

Thanks for your help. This is a tough time for me. We were friends for a long-time prior to becoming boyfriend/girlfriend, so I care for her deeply. I don't want to leave her, but the relationship is not there anymore. I just contacted her childhood best friend, to see if she can help me with an intervention. We just don't know how to go about it. She is very worried about her also, noting many of the same things that I mentioned. We have decided based on our experiences that her family is not helping. In fact they tend to dump their problems onto her, and this has been going on since she was young. So including them in the intervention may not be a good thing. Does anyone have any intervention experience?

[mikec232]

Thanks Everyone,

I have contacted her good childhood friend, who is also very worried. Does anyone have any experience planing an intervention? Her family may not be the best people to be involved, as they contribute to the problems; and have for a very long time, according to her friend.

This is really causing me a lot of stress, to the point where I'm going to talked to a counselor about it. The advice is much of the same, remind her you love her, support her, try to get her to get help, etc. Nothing I can say seems to work, she just tunes it out. The only people she listens to or converses with are these new friends who she parties and socializes with; and they are no help. She dismisses anyone who gives her criticism or says anything that she does not want to hear.

[TwiceBitten]

It isn't easy to face the fact that you may have an illness (depression). Unfortunately for you and the people who care about her, she won't go (and shouldn't) until SHE is ready to face this issue and handle it. it takes more than medication to help with depression so she has a long road ahead of her.

[Junerain]

An intervention happens when you invite her somewhere that she normally would go to, by one friend such as you, and people that want to be a part of the intervention are all there, and they take turns telling her exactly how her illness is hurting each one of their feelings, their lives, and the wish for her to get help, with the option of going to the same counselor as you go to, or one of her own choosing. I open up the discussion to others who have had actual experience with this, I just wanted to bump this thread, let it get the attention it so greatly deserves, wish you well, and give the small amount of info I do have. Here is a hug for you

[mikec232]

Thanks everyone,

We are fighting a lot. Her behaviors have changed and she does not feel that she has to explain anything to me. We are fighting a lot, and I feel that it is time to move on. I don't want to, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know that this is something that I may regret, but it is so hard to be with her. I'm beginning to hate her, and I don't want to. I actually love her (I know it sounds confusing), but I no longer feel it back. I'm just being hurt more and more everyday.

[Junerain]

((((mikec)))

Take care of you, Mike. It is normal to still have feelings for someone that you see the need to exit your life, you can allow all feelings, they are all natural, but respect _you and your personal boundaries if you can....

[tarabug922]

Originally Posted by mikec232

Thanks everyone,

We are fighting a lot. Her behaviors have changed and she does not feel that she has to explain anything to me. We are fighting a lot, and I feel that it is time to move on. I don't want to, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know that this is something that I may regret, but it is so hard to be with her. I'm beginning to hate her, and I don't want to. I actually love her (I know it sounds confusing), but I no longer feel it back. I'm just being hurt more and more everyday.

The depression is winning, unfortunately. I know in my own relationship with my ex I would intentionally try to drive him away to prove that he didn't love me and I wasn't worthy of love, all the depression just telling me I'm a loser and not worthy of love or capable of loving. The depression made me believe life was not worth living, that I didn't deserve anything and it was only by the grace of God that I was able to get help before everybody abandoned me.

I would recommend for you, taking a step back but staying in contact so when she is ready to get help you are there and can be a support. Explain that her behavior right now is unacceptable and you can no longer live with her unless she is ready to get help. let her know that you love her deeply and will be by her side the moment that she does decide to get help if she wants you there.

Hope this helps, just my humble opinion, nothing more,

Hugs,
Tara

[topazjane]

Hello Mike,
answering from the point of view of a depressed person, You may love her deeply, and whant the best for her. My advice is to help yourself first, you can't fight for both, becawse as cruel as this may sound, you will be dragged to. I'm not saying to lave her. But that you can't feel guilty for her condition or your feelings. Be her friend.... sometimes that's all we want. Just listen to her... don't try to understand. She'll come to you, and no matter how stupid you think her conversations are, just listen. Leave her as a fiance if you whant but not as a friend, becawse the person you fell in love with is still there. She just needs help getting back.