Will my father ever accept my husband?

Hi anyone,

I have a wonderful husband, we are very different people i'm a science person his art's and language, he picks at the little things with OCD and i understand them all, and i'm more accepting of differences. however there is a 27 year age gap, i know that sounds a lot but everyone how know him thinks he is 15 years younger than he actaully is. and our friends think we a great couple and don't realise there is a large gap. We also have a baby boy.

My father, has never spoken to him, he did come to the wedding but said some really bad things in the speach really upseting my husband and my father inlaw etc... My father will not come into our house, when we visited them last in 2007 we were not allowed to stay in my parents house, even though they live 6 hours from us. he gave evils to my husband all day. All my family were there cusions ungle aunt etc.. (15 of us) when my husband spoke to my father he eventually looked at my mum and replied to her. and he spent most of the time out of site. this was the day we told them we were having a baby.

I know before we started going out that my dad would not approve we got engaged after only 5 months, but waited over 1 year before getting married thinking that would give my dad time to accept it. we then thought that maybe after we are married, then maybe once he know he is getting his first grandchild. then after the baby was born but no luck yet.

my husband is finding it really hard, and i'm scard that he will never want my son to meet my father. or maybe my father will never come around, but if he does i want the option for him to be a part of our family to be there. it's horrid for my mum torn between her grandson and her husband not know which to favour. everyone else in the family all accept and like my husband. and i know my mum is terrified that this will spilt the whole family up, when we have always been such a close family until now.

i tired to talk to my dad telling him how much my husband means to me, how much i love my father, and how much it hurts me that we are in this situation (this was before the wedding) a few days later my sister told me off for upsetting my father. and my mum says 'how is this hurting you'. they just don't seem to see how hard it is for me, i have really tired to understand how they feel, but i should have to stop my life and be sweet 16 again just to make my father feel happy again.

anyway just wanted to know what someone else thought.

I'm guessing that your husband is the older one. I hate saying this, but I would be upset to. I think that your dad is thinking that your husband should find someone around his own age. The only thing that I can tell you to do is just seperate the two of them. You can't make your dad like him, so that means that you will need to have a relationship with your dad without your husband. I don't think this has anything with you being his little girl. What your dad is thinking is that your husband knows better. If you take you and the baby by yourselves down to your parents house without your husband he will probably be different. I know you want your dad to be accepting of this, but if you think about it, that is a big blow to his mind. What I would do is start having a relationship with your dad without your husband, and start discussing some of these issues with him in due time. I would also like to say that until your dad can be more accepting of this, your husband should stay away from him just because it could end up in a fight.

Hello May and welcome to PC!

Has your father ever verbalized why he dislikes your husband so intently? Not that it matters really, because the issue is his not yours. I haven’t always adored the people that my children have dated but I try very hard to keep my opinion to myself. I’ve raised my children well and I have to trust that they will choose the mate that is right for them. If there was any form of abuse involved I’d be screaming to the rafters, but other than that my mouth is zipped up.

As an adult you must make your own decisions and mistakes. It’s silly really for your father to continue this emotional blackmail. But in his defense, as Michele pointed out this can be a difficult thing to accept. If my 20 year old came home with a 37 year old I wouldn’t be pleased either, and frankly I’d be asking myself what is wrong with him. I don’t know why, but the gap means less (to me at least) the older you get. If my child was 30 and came home with a 47 year old, I might raise my eyebrows a bit but for some reason that doesn’t bother nearly as much.

Instead of being angry with your father I would pity him, he’s missing out on the love of a grandchild. It is truly his loss.

You know AAAAA I was thinking that if she was just to start to have a relationship with her dad first that maybe he would come around about her husband. From what I'm reading into this, is that her dad just doesn't like her husband. May I am just trying to say that I think that your dad thinks that your husband took advantage of you in a sense. Your dad is probably wondering why he would want someone so much younger then him. I do agree that he should want to have a relationship with you and the baby. Has your mom suggested anyway around this? I would think that your mom would be able to help come up with something to help all of you. I just think that she could be able to reason with your dad more.

Hi May, glad to have ya here!!!

I went through the same thing in 1993. I married a man 26 years older than me. However, both of my parents "disowned" me. It was a bit easier since there were 3 states and a 12 hour drive between us. It was still very hard though. I didn't have children with that husband, so I can't fathom how you are feeling. I won't tell you how or why it ended, but it did.

Please try your best to remain focused on your husband and child. Yes, its very hard with all this crisis. Right now, you have your family to tend to, and that may help distract for a bit. I know its upsetting to see your husband so frustrated and your child without his grandfather right now. Your Mother seems to be ok with your husband though, right? Hopefully, thats a little burden off your shoulders.

No real advice. If you want to know more about my "story" please PM me. I'd love to hear from you. Just wanted to let you know someone else has been there.

Take care,
Dee

I would like to offer this similar but twisted version of May's story:

My husband's oldest daughter lives here in the Phoenix area. She is 33. She took up with a man who is 21 years older than her. When I met them (ten years ago when I married my husband) they had just begun dating but they could never get married. Why? Because he was already married. The reason is because they are both members of a cult! And, there was a woman who was also a member of the cult who happened to be from England. It seems that many years ago, her visa was fixing to run out and she was going to be deported so my step-daughter's boyfriend decided he would be glad to marry the girl so she could stay in the United States. Consequently, she took off for parts unknown and he does not know where she is and has never had the marriage anulled or whatever they would call it.

That would seem like enough drama, right? Oh, NO! Two years ago, the step-daughter had a baby with this boyfriend. He also has a 25 year old daughter with a former girlfriend. So now, my step-daughter, her boyfriend, her boyfriend's daughter, the two year old, and the boyfriend's daughter's boyfriend are all living happily together in the same house!

Two months ago the step-daughter told my husband that she had no pity for my recent hospitalization (first one in 20 years) because she does not believe that I am bipolar, that I only went into the hospital to gain attention and pity, and that her father is a coward for staying married to me and putting up with it! She has now declared herself free from her biological family and refuses to have anything else to do with us.

And furthermore, this cult has decided to venture into mate swapping! We have heard through reliable channels that recently, the step-daughter has gone on a "recreational" trip to Colorado with one of the leaders of the cult, who is a 72 year old woman, and the woman's 32 year old lover.

So.......the moral of the story is, there are worse things than marrying a man who is simply 27 years older than your daughter.