[roxyskater]

Hi Friends,

I have to say I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore, I do it out of guilt and thats about every 2 months I feel bad for him but I always regret it cant wait till hes done wish I hadnt said yes and cant get in the tub fast enough afterwards. We dont talk anymore before or after and I still feel the guilt and shame of rape and SA. He knows about it and thats why he doesnt push me but still I dont feel close to him at all during sex it is just very mechanical and it hurts and I want him to hurry and finish....I know this is not the way it is suppose to be especially after 15 years I love him dearly and care for him and he is a wonderful man patient and kind and takes good care of me we sont have any other problems outside of sex, and he also says he doesnt care about the sex and that the way it is is fine but I think he probably just dont say anyhting so he doesnt hurt my feelings I think he may resent me some....what so you all think??

Sincerely,

Roxy

[Catherine2]

hi Roxy,

Jmo, but your feelings about sex are very common after a rape and SA.
Are you seeing a therapist so you can talk about your feelings?
It can be of great benefit to both you and your husband. Your relationship is going to be greatly changed after these events.

He may have some issues, but they can stem from his anger about what happened to you...
Perhaps having a very honest talk about your concerns about him would be helpful.

There are so many things to be worked through now, and I wish you the very best. Please keep posting and let us know how you are, ok?

In Peace
Catherine

[roxyskater]

Originally Posted by Catherine2

hi Roxy,

Jmo, but your feelings about sex are very common after a rape and SA.
Are you seeing a therapist so you can talk about your feelings?
It can be of great benefit to both you and your husband. Your relationship is going to be greatly changed after these events.

He may have some issues, but they can stem from his anger about what happened to you...
Perhaps having a very honest talk about your concerns about him would be helpful.

There are so many things to be worked through now, and I wish you the very best. Please keep posting and let us know how you are, ok?

In Peace
Catherine

Dear Catherine,

Thank you so much for your reply to my post. I really appreciate you taking the time. Yes I do go to alot of Thereapy for the childhood PA and SA and for the rape by my priest. I am in serious thereapy. It is all very hard to deal with. My husband has not yet gone to therapy with me but I do think it would be a great idea.

Sincerely,

Roxy

[VickiesPath]

Dear Roxy,

I do feel so bad for your difficulties. I wasn't raped or abused. I was assaulted by two older neighborhood boys on two different occasions when I was a young girl and it was against my wishes. I never told my mother or anyone else for that matter but have told my husband. I've never dealt with it in therapy because I figured I had so many other issues, it would get lumped in there with all the others somehow.

Don't know if you understand this but my mother was so shame based in her own thinking and made me feel so bad about my own body that those boys didn't do anything to me that was any worse than my own mother made me feel. I didn't dare tell her about the incidents, either, because she would have figured out a way to make it my own fault.

I think it is really important for your husband to go to therapy with you if possible. He sees you suffering and yet, you are trying your best to maintain your physical relationship with him. I think it would be good for him to be able to share about his feelings, too. He could also get a better understanding of how to support you. I'm wondering if at times, he feels like an outsider in this.

You are a brave woman. Keep working at peach of mind for yourself. We are here for you, too.

[roxyskater]

Dear Vicky,

Thank you so much for you support and encouragement, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. I agree it would be a good idea for my husband to come to some thereapy sessions with me and I will bring that up with him during this down time he has from work. I am sorry for what you went throught too, it is a very hard thing to deal with and it certainly messes with our self-esteem. I hope for peace for you also.

Sincerely,

Roxy

[turquoisesea]

I haven't gone through what you've gone through, but maybe there's a way to find a kind of compromise while you're working on this in therapy?

I don't know how you were raped and abused. And I don't need to know the details. But maybe there's some element of sex that would bother you less that would still give your husband pleasure? This might reduce your feelings of guilt and make him happy too.
Maybe you could just use hands, or even have him use his own hands while you talk to him about how much you love him. Maybe you could give him a "special attention night" or time or whatever works for you. Do it only on a physical level you are completely comfortable with, even if that's NO physical level (you letting him do the physical work with you still there interacting with him in the room). I know it's not the same but at least it could be a way to connect on a physical level as well as the emotional one you obviously share already?

This may not work at ALL, and it may just be weird but I thought of it when I read your post so I thought I'd share. Better to have shared the thought even if it's a flop

[jerrymichele]

I know that you love your husband, and you want to make sure he gets what he needs. IMO I would ask him to come to therapy with you, and tell him that you can't have sex until you heal from this. I think that he would be understanding about it. Personally I think that it's making you relive it all over again. I think that your body is telling you that you aren't ready if it hurts. Not just that you can tell that you don't trust your husband in that way. It's not your fault, or his.