[turquoisesea]

The troubles I'm going to talk about here may seem trivial, but they've been causing me severe emotional pain. They've been controlling parts my life and my relationships, and it really has to stop. But I don't know how
Any help, advice, and/or questions are appreciated. Thank you in advance.


The basic problem is my EXTREME JEALOUSY OF MY BF'S EX. How can I counteract my jealous feelings?


Background information:
My boyfriend and I have lived together in a studio apartment for about a year, and have been together for almost 2 years. I am 21, my boyfriend is 22. We want to live the rest of our lives together.
My boyfriend had two girlfriends before me. The first was trivial, the second he was intimate with. They were together for just over one year. She slept with someone else and they broke up. I came into the picture 2 years later.

Details:
I didn't really have trouble with it until we were apart over the summer. One day, for no real reason at all I realized what it meant that he had slept with his ex. Icky pictures came to mind and I sunk into a sea of jealousy. Just 2 weeks later, he called and told me he was going over to her house to make brownies late at night alone. I did NOT know they had been in constant contact the entire 6 months we had been together. I thought they never really talked anymore. I was already depressed at the time and went wild... since then he has cut off all contact with her, but only 1 or 2 months AFTER this happened.

I'm jealous that he was sexual with someone other than me. He was my first kiss, first boyfriend, first EVERYTHING so I have ZERO perspective on the matter. I feel like to understand I almost have to go have a relationship with someone else but that thought disgusts me too because I love my bf.

I have looked up everything I can online about her, my boyfriend is extremely open about it. I've seen old pictures, heard old stories. At one point in time I thought the more I learned the better I could understand but I can't seem to figure it out. I'm jealous that she seems successful, I'm even jealous of her inability to do things O.o ... EVERYTHING. I see horrible pictures in my mind - some I've seen online of her and him together, others totally imagined.

I don't know how to counteract these jealous feelings.

I KNOW I should be happy because he chose ME not her.
I KNOW I should realize that it was a long distance relationship, that he wasn't as close with her, that it was more about the physical than the emotional, that I wouldn't have WANTED that relationship.
I KNOW I should move on, that this shouldn't affect our relationship.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to her.



I've tried forgetting about it, tried saying to myself that I'm better, tried many things, but it's been going on for a very long time and I need HELP.

Thank you for reading

[VickiesPath]

It really sucks, doesn't it. I hate it when I feel something I don't want to be feeling. But, feelings are very hard to control. The most we can ever hope for is to have the wherewithall to control our actions regardless what we are feeling.

Jealously occurrs basically because you are afraid. You are afraid that someone is going to take what is yours. Also, your self-confidence is not high enough to be secure enough in the relationship yet to fight off this feeling. It really has less to do with whether he's your first and you are not his first than it has to do with the fact that he was still maintaining contact with the girl who was with him before you. You are afraid that his interest in her might be stronger than his interest in you. Especially when the opportunity presented itself when you were away. It's because you don't know how you really compare to her in his mind. I know because I've been there. I always find myself wondering things like that when my husband and his ex and I are together for an occasion involving their children or grandchildren. Of course, now days I think, "What the HELL did he EVER see in her?!?" LOL

But, seriously, all it is going to take is more time. You simply need to keep telling yourself, he comes home to me every night. She might have had him once, BUT I HAVE HIM NOW.

From what you are saying, telling yourself these things aren't working for you. You are still having the feelings. I'm not sure I know how to tell you to stop feeling things. You could always use aversion therapy. The rubberband on the wrist thing. When you realize that you are having a jealous thought, SNAP that rubberband.

Do you have a T? This is definitely T stuff. I don't really know how to tell someone not to feel something. But maybe someone else here will know exactly what to say to you. I'm sorry if I wasted your time and a lot of space.

I personally turn these kinds of things over to my higher power. Whenever something is beyond my ability and I know I need it, I ask for it and surrender my will.

I would like you to feel comfortable, confident and treasure the relationship you have. I hope that for you.

[sabby]

I think if one's not careful, jealousy can turn into an obsession that is way more difficult to get under control than your basic jealous emotion. I have only felt real jealousy one time in my life and it wasn't until I was in my late 40's. It was a horrible feeling, and I hated having those thoughts. I was able to finally work through it though.

I think it's important to understand that past relationships are just that....past. We cannot change the past, it is what it is. Since you let your bf know you didn't want him to have contact with her anymore and he stopped.....that's a great sign and one that you should run with. Your bf cannot forget her, she's in his past...was part of his life, like it or not. Why waste precious energy on things you cannot change? Put that energy into concentrating on your relationship with your boyfriend.

Let him know you are feeling insecure. Let him know you are working on this issue and trying to resolve. Ask him for help along the way. Men are fixers, they like to help fix things. Including him in the work you need to do for yourself will help you both!

Most of all, when you get those visions of the two of them together....replace her face with yours.....then go have some fun!! This will help counter that image and thought and help to bring you back to feeling safer and more secure. Find little things that you can both do for one another........something that is completely yours and yours alone.

I hope you can find a way to work through your jealousy. It surely is an ugly emotion to deal with from all angles. Wishing you well!


sabby

[jerrymichele]

Sabby and Vicki are spot on. If your bf really stopped because you asked him to. That is aww-some. That says something in my book. He's telling you that he really cares, and he wants you to trust him. And just to let you know I have jealousy issues too. I have a hard time trusting men because of my childhood, and my past with my ex-husband.

[Lenny]

Vickie and sabby both said it very well,,,,such wise counsel...

Jealousy can also be about control....issues in our past revolving about losing something or someone...not being comforted when comfort was needed...and when that fear is triggered in the present we feel the need for some control....but risk smothering the very object of our desire...

There is an old Chinese fable about catching the butterfly....If you run wildly about in the field trying to catch the butterfly it will always elude you...always,,for it fears the clasp of your hand...

But,,if you sit quietly upon the ground and breath slowly...the butterfly will,,,,land upon your shoulder...

Nothing can be yours,,truly yours untill it is completely free....

With Care,

Lenny

[turquoisesea]

Vickie - I'm not afraid of the relationship happening agani, my bf and i are living together VERY far away from where the ex is living, even if I thought he still had interest =) But you are right - in many ways I'm afraid to not to live up to the standards I imagine were there because of the ex.
But I DO have him now and for that I'm grateful.

I'm wary of using a rubber band, but will consider some form of that kind of therapy...

and I definitely should bring this to my T. I haven't yet - it's hard for me to talk about these things and also she's not here for another 2 weeks or so =)

I'll be thinking about all these things, thank you for your reply

[turquoisesea]

Sabby,

Funny what you said about obsession - because it's definitely become that *hides*
I'm sorry you've been through this yourself *hugs*

My boyfriend does know what I'm going through. We're extremely open with each other. He's been even trying to help me get through it despite the discomfort it causes him - he doesn't like to see what this jealousy does to me and he doesn't like to have to look back to a relationship HE'S already put in his past *and he's glad it's over*

Sometimes it's hard to find special "us" things because I never know for sure if it's been done before. I guess that's something I should really figure out...

Hehee and I really like your suggestion about subbing my face for hers if I get an unwanted image! =D I like that ALOT.

You've made me realized I really need to ask myself some of these questions and keep trying, thanks so much for your reply

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

Sabby and Vicki are spot on. If your bf really stopped because you asked him to. That is aww-some. That says something in my book. He's telling you that he really cares, and he wants you to trust him. And just to let you know I have jealousy issues too. I have a hard time trusting men because of my childhood, and my past with my ex-husband.

thank you jerrymichele, I'm so glad to have such a wonderful boyfriend - hugs to you and hoping you can figure out your jealousy stuff too because it's really no fun

[turquoisesea]

thank you Lenny
come to think of it I HAVE been needing control, it's come out in other areas of my life, and I feel very out of control with most everything. Maybe that's one thing I need to look at a little bit closer...

[justfloating]

((((((((turquoisesea)))))))))

In response to you not being sure if the things you and your boyfriend do together have been done before, maybe you could as him to try something new with you. Tell him that you think it would be a cool idea to have something for just the two of you, that's about just the two of you, that neither of you has ever done before. Take a class together, watch a tv series from start to finish, cook, explore someplace new that neither of you have seen before... If you want, you could even suggest starting a tradition of your own. It doesn't have to be anything huge, maybe just going for breakfast on the first Sunday of every month, or going for a walk in the evenings, something simple but that is entirely YOURS. Get his input and see if there's something he'd like to do with you or an experience he thinks it would be cool for both of you to share.

Jealousy is a terrible thing. I've only really felt it once before and it was awful. I was disgusted with myself for the things I was thinking. I'm not really sure what to tell you because for me it just passed. Then again, my situation was a little different from yours. I was jealous of my best friend's girlfriend because I was head-over-heels in love with him. Then I realized what a jerk he actually was and started pitying the poor girl instead. Anyways, good luck. It's great that you can be so open with your boyfriend. I think that'll go a long way in helping you figure this all out.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

thank you jerrymichele, I'm so glad to have such a wonderful boyfriend - hugs to you and hoping you can figure out your jealousy stuff too because it's really no fun

Usually when I have an episode my bf reasures me, and then I'm fine. The only time I had bad rage is when my ex-husband cheated on me. When I find myself in a situation where I can feel it coming I do my best to get away from whatever it is. It's like your mind is split into two parts. The first one is your normal thinking, and the other one your sub-concieness coming to haunt you. Sounds weird, but that is what happens to me. My sub-mind can really get the best of me. That is how I know that a lot of my issues stem from the past. When I was a child I remember some people in my family insulted my looks. My ex always looked at women in front of me, and I lost my self worth over it. I always try to seperate the two from present to past, because that is really what it is. I just tell myself this is a feeling from the past, not present.

[Pomegranate]

((((((turquoisesea)))))))

[turquoisesea]

Justfloating - that sounds like a great idea =) It could be so much fun =P
I'm glad that you've gotten past your jealous feelings
((((((((((((((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((Jerrymichele)))))))))))))))))) I know what you mean about feeling two parts. Mine was extreme especially at one point (not so much now) because I actually dissociated to a high degree - that's a story for another day but, hugs and thank you for sharing, it means alot

(((((((((Pomegranate))))))) You know how much I luv the hugs

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

Sounds weird, but that is what happens to me. My sub-mind can really get the best of me.

Not wierd at all jerry...splitting is a common defense mechanism in many forms of trama...The challenge is reintegrating...



Lenny

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by Lenny

Not wierd at all jerry...splitting is a common defense mechanism in many forms of trama...The challenge is reintegrating...



Lenny

Thanks Lenny, It took me a long time to figure it out. I think that there are a lot of people who this happens to, but they never see it. If that makes any sense.

[sweetypie]

hi

i have read your post, and i appreciate what you are going through, because i have had some of the same

and i am 46
lol
jealousy knows no age

i have read some, but not all, of the many replies to your post.
i wanted to add my own thoughts without them being colored or influenced - ie; i didn't want to be a copycat.

what is currently working for me - in my new (6 mons? ) relationship, is being honest
i've had to say "hey. this chick flirts with you on your facebook and since we are mutual friends it ends up in my face and i feel threatened. i am jealous of her""

at first i was humiliated to say it - but as i was speaking to my bf it actually empowered me - it was a good feeling.
like, i was setting healthy boundaries and i was being authentic.

now if he responds on fb to her flirting - he does it after i've told him it bothers me
(so far he has NOT. )
so i think he does care
but until i said something he just didnt' know
and by the way these two are far apart and i honestly don't think if he were unfaithful he'd be unfaithful with her
she is someone that i feel jealous of, however.

so to condense
being very open and transparent with bf is imperative

and learning to set healthy boundaries - with any relationship
deciding what YOUR personal deal breaker is
is it infidelity?
honesty?
do you give 2nd chances?
what are the conditions?

and lastly -
how do you take care of yourSELF during a season of doubt

do you have someone to talk to - do you have a guy friend who you can ask about male behaviors, etc., my male friends are my MOST trusted and cherished
and they answer these types of questions for me

it's positive that you posted here.
i know you'll continue to get tons of support here

that's my 2 cents worth and maybe it's worth only 1 cent
i am new here and also just an outsider
but i am not a stranger to relationships, life experiences, or jealousy
i hope the VERY best for you hon
xxx