Attracted only to emotionally unavailable persons

My friend seems to be attracted only to emotionally unavailable persons.

This woman, who is 33, had an extremely difficult childhood. Her father spent most of her childhood in prison. Her mother was a drug addict whom she last saw at 8 (except for one brief encounter when she was a little older, when her mother offered her crack). She was raised by grandparents until she was 8, and then by a stepmother, the latter of whom was strictly religious but showed little love for her. She ran away from home multiple times, succeeding for good when she was 14.

At about the age of 18, she married the epitome of an emotionally unavailable man who did not really love her, and had a child. By about 20, she was a high school dropout, was stuck raising this child, weighed 250 pounds, and was working in a fast food outlet.

She has since absolutely turned her life around. She divorced her husband, and has successfully raised her daughter (a great kid). She has lost half her body weight. She found a job at a high tech firm, then decided to put herself through college, earning a degree in philosophy. She currently has another very good job in the high tech/ computer field.

However, the big area in which she seems to still have problems is that she still finds herself attracted only to emotionally unavailable men. Men who "frustrate the hell out of her."

For complicated reasons, I have found myself attached/attracted to her. On an intellectual level, she recognizes me as the "perfect match," says she would like to commit, etc. But, also says she just is not physically attracted to me. She recognizes there is something wrong, is willing to work to change it, and, as described above, has in fact successfully worked through similar serious problems in other areas of her life.

I have done some reading on this. There appears to be a pattern in certain women who were effectively abandoned by their parents, and especially their fathers. They only feel like they are in love with someone who arouses feelngs of insecurity in them.

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience of this? Or can point me to sources for further information?

Welcome to pc. It could be that she may need therapy for her past issues. After all the past can leave some big scars. If I were you I would still hang in there. She could be already developing feelings for you. Maybe she is scared, because this is probability different for her. She isn't use to a man loving her.

I don't always buy that argument. My first husband became emotionally distant because he couldn't give me what I needed from him. The more distant he got, the more needy I became - until it frustrated the hell out of me.

I had several failed relationships after that too.

A close friend got a job in CA, and the salary was HUGE. He asked me to marry him and move to California with him. I loved the man dearly, but I could feel no physical spark between us. He told me he would give me the world on a silver platter, and I would learn to love him. I pictured myself sitting in the middle of paradise - absolutely miserable in a world with no passion.

EVERYONE thought I was crazy when I told him no. I'd rather live on my own than live a life without passion. I was often accused of seeking out "difficult" men.

It wasn't long after that I met my current husband. We've been together for 20 years, and I STILL have a "schoolgirl crush" on him. He has always been there for me. We may be poor and struggling, but I never regretted my decision to hold out for passion.

Good luck - hope you'll be able to light a spark in her.

From my own experience (and healing) in this area... your friend will forever hook up with men that are emotionally unavailable to her, just like her father was, until she seeks professional help to heal the unresolved holes and wounds that her fathers absent created in her.

The best book imo for understand this type of issues is called:
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die (as seen in the book review)
http://forums.psychcentral.com/revie...wcat.php/cat/5

I purchase good but used books from this website:
http://www.alibris.com/

I could write a book of my own opinions about what effected her development but it would be all my opinions which don't really mean a lot since I'm not a professional. I do have a lot of empathy for your friend, tho. My parents were both alcoholic. In addition, they had their own issues which were passed down to my siblings and I. Neither of them could pull off an intimate relationship with their children and because of it, my brothers married their high school sweethearts right out of high school (they were starved for love) and that wasn't a bad thing, it worked out for them. However, my sister and I both had major issues because our mother could not show love to us and always seemed unhappy. Hence, we both grew up thinking children made you unhappy and my sister never had children. I, on the other hand, spent a good portion of my life in therapy and searching for answers to my life issues and eventually resolved those feelings and became a mother late in life. (Age 41)

I agree with Jerrymichele in that your friend has a lot of issues that can be successfully addressed with a therapist. Her story, alone, is a wonderful example of what one can accomplish with determination and perseverance. She has overcome so many obstacles. Her deeper emotional issues will take some time but can be dealt with. She can find happiness and healthy relationships by working with a professional who can guide her through the issues.

You are a very good friend to her. I would say, stand by her. You never know where things might go.

Id find out if she really is not physically attracted to you.

I have met several men who are very capable of bieng emotional . But Im not physically attracted to them. No chemisrty .

In the past I sought attraction first and ended up with unavaliable or incacpable men.

Physical attration is what it is. much as I dislike it
And it goes both ways.

Some people are skin deep , and some people need to be skinned ..


If she was attracted to you physically at first and now shes having problems , then it probably is something else. Shes used to or drawn to unavaliable men because of a distance father or mother.

You can also be obsessed with someone distancing and when they become available run .

I have actually been not attracted to someone who was emotionally "capable" not necessarily "available" at first and then had the opposite happen.

I had a therapist once I was never attracted to physically but he won my heart over on another level.

Patricia

I would say, that you are barking at the wrong tree, you see, in my personal experience, it takes two to tango, what i am trying to say is: you too are attracted to an emotional unnavailable person...so, what are we missing here..?
Just a thought...
Good luck!

Beatriz

You make a very good point!!!

Another point to consider is that people who are attracted to emotionally unavailable persons -- including being involved in long distance internet relationships, do so because they don't have to risk revealing their deeply flawed self to the other person.

your post reminded me of imago couples therapy! look at the intro....its like exactly what you said!

i had this very same thought.