[uswcew05]

This is the first time I have ever posted anything like this. I'll try to keep is short and too the point.

About 4 months ago, I started having insecurity issues with my marriage. We will be celebrating our 12th year married next month and have been together 14 years. We have a 12 year old (how we celebrated the engagement). Things came to a head and we had a long talk and several since then. However 3 months ago when my husband got laid off those feeling of insecuriity, inadequacy mutliplied. To the point where when I was driving home from work I'd get a knot in my stomach fearing that when I got home my husband was going to tell me he doesn't need me any more, doesn't love me, doesn't find me attractive and found someone else online. The phrase "Idle hands are the devil's playground" or something like that keeps playing in my head. Also in the last 4 months my sex drive has gone crazy (maybe the insecurity thing telling me need to put out more). But the problem with that is his sex drive seems to be the complete opposite and when he is tired, etc I get upset, sometimes to the point i pick a fight (feeling rejected, ugly, etc). Also, with him being out of work, I expected him to do more around the house, however he only does maybe 1 load of laundry every other week. All other housework I still do, including deciding what is for dinner when I get home from work and cooking every night. It is frustrating.

About 1 month ago I started researching online and am now taking a supplement called Stress Tabs and it is helping. I don't get the knots any more, but I still am constantly worried. Maybe its all the stress with him being out of work and not being able to find anything, the fact this is his 4th lay off in the 9 years I have been at my job, that his sex drive is so low. Sometimes I feel more like roommates than married. Fortunately we have been really good about not letting our daughter see our struggles.

I guess I am looking for suggestions on the following:
1) Any other supplements that could help ease anxiety/ worry. My insurance plan sucks and we have a high deductible, so looking for a low cost option.
2) How can I get my husband to open up? Is his low sex drive due to stress and his feelings of not being able to provide for the family?
3) Would going to counseling be a benefit? How could I get my husband to participate?
4) any general words of advice?

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by uswcew05

This is the first time I have ever posted anything like this. I'll try to keep is short and too the point.

About 4 months ago, I started having insecurity issues with my marriage. We will be celebrating our 12th year married next month and have been together 14 years. We have a 12 year old (how we celebrated the engagement). Things came to a head and we had a long talk and several since then. However 3 months ago when my husband got laid off those feeling of insecuriity, inadequacy mutliplied. To the point where when I was driving home from work I'd get a knot in my stomach fearing that when I got home my husband was going to tell me he doesn't need me any more, doesn't love me, doesn't find me attractive and found someone else online. The phrase "Idle hands are the devil's playground" or something like that keeps playing in my head. Also in the last 4 months my sex drive has gone crazy (maybe the insecurity thing telling me need to put out more). But the problem with that is his sex drive seems to be the complete opposite and when he is tired, etc I get upset, sometimes to the point i pick a fight (feeling rejected, ugly, etc). Also, with him being out of work, I expected him to do more around the house, however he only does maybe 1 load of laundry every other week. All other housework I still do, including deciding what is for dinner when I get home from work and cooking every night. It is frustrating.

About 1 month ago I started researching online and am now taking a supplement called Stress Tabs and it is helping. I don't get the knots any more, but I still am constantly worried. Maybe its all the stress with him being out of work and not being able to find anything, the fact this is his 4th lay off in the 9 years I have been at my job, that his sex drive is so low. Sometimes I feel more like roommates than married. Fortunately we have been really good about not letting our daughter see our struggles.

I guess I am looking for suggestions on the following:
1) Any other supplements that could help ease anxiety/ worry. My insurance plan sucks and we have a high deductible, so looking for a low cost option.
2) How can I get my husband to open up? Is his low sex drive due to stress and his feelings of not being able to provide for the family?
3) Would going to counseling be a benefit? How could I get my husband to participate?
4) any general words of advice?

Hi, Uswcew05 and welcome to PC,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have gone through something similar with my husband eight years ago right before 9/11 and it was horrible. I can identify with most of what you are experiencing. I do have some thoughts that may or may not help you at this time.

First, see if you can relax a little. There's been a big upset to everything in your family. Your husband has just lost a big part of his self-worth. It effects his self-esteem and his sex drive. The less pressure you can put on him, the better. He probably had an idea that this layoff was coming even before it happened, given the state of our economy right now. So, your feelings about the state of your marriage may have been in your subconscious before you realized them consciously. That may have helped make you suspicious. Yes, I do think your insecurity may have prompted you to want your husband to demonstrate more affection towards you. But you might want to back off a little now.

He may be somewhat depressed from being laid off. If so, it would be hard for him to be as helpful around the house as you want him to be. You could write down just one or two things for him to do each day but let him know that they are to be done if he feels up to it. Let him know that it would be helpful but they are not mandatory. One or two things might not be too many for him and if you are specific, I bet he might try to do them. Also, your 12 year old daughter could learn how to do some of the chores. My son knew how to do laundry when he was 12.

Does your employer have an employee assistance program? You may be able to get some free counseling if it does. Usually the program offers at least 5 sessions. You and your husband could take advantage of the counseling they offer. If not, you could find out what your insurance covers in the form of psychological counseling. As of 2008, all insurance plans are required to offer coverage for behavioral health services. Regarding the issues you are having with feeling insecure, there is nothing I can suggest for you that is over the counter, but if you feel there is something that you must do for yourself, please arrange to see a psychiatrist because a regular doctor is not as good at prescribing the type of medications that will help you with your anxiety and also, he would be able to refer you to a therapist if necessary. This is all assuming you do not have an employee assistance program.

The only other advice I would offer is this: try to put as little pressure on both you and him as you can. This is a critical time for your family. It is a time when you all must pull together. Don't sweat the small stuff. Is there a possibility that he will be rehired? If so, make this time as stress-free as possible. If not, try to support him in his efforts to find work.

I hope you find at least some of this helpful. I know that you are going through a very difficult time right now. The economy is supposedly picking up so hopefully things will look up for you. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[Pomegranate]

I think Vickie gave you some very good suggestions. I would assume your husbands sex drive is affected by the fact he isn't working - especially given the state of the economy. He's probably feeling depressed. But try not to let his depression affect your feelings about yourself. If you can afford it counseling would certainly be worth trying.

Simple things like going out for a walk together, and finding inexpensive ways to have fun would help both your stress levels. And having some honest, nonjudgemental heart to heart talks. If you are honest about how you are feeling - in a loving way - he may respond in kind. That would make you feel closer together and then maybe the lack of sex would not bother you so much.

My husband just spent several months out of work and it was very difficult simply because we were both so very anxious. Now that he's found a job, things are much better.

[theotterone]

I tend to go back to this a lot, but I have found it works...

When anxiety and/or depression gets to the point of interfering with your life, seek out a mental health professional. I don't mean just jump onto medication with the first offer. Medication can help, and some like my sister only needed it for a time (my mom and I are the type we will need it all of our lives). There is also behavioral/psycho/couples therapy that can help. It's stressful with so many losing jobs due to the economy. As women and moms, we sometimes forget that we are worth taking care of and admitting we need help for a time.

Good luck!

[uswcew05]

Thanks for all the support. I just picked up the book Why Mars & Venus Collide by John Gray. This book specifially addresses how to deal with stress and how men and women react differently.

His job prospects are not good. And since I posted, things are going better. Ieven have an appointment with a counselor. I have not told my husband yet (when I first suggested my seeing a counselor he said if that's what I want he would support then a few hours later he said he doesn't think I need that and to talk to him). I would love to tlak to him, however when I try to talk about my feelings he feels like I am attacking him and becomes sarcastic.

SoI am going to read this book and talk with a counselor, and most likely bring him into the mix regarding counseling.

It's kind of funny in that since hunting season has started he has been a bit more upbeat and "grabby" with me. Maybe it's the whole, I am trying to provide for my family with a kill that has sparked it. Good thing hunting season goes until mid January.

Again, thanks for the advice.