[mixedup_emotions]

I don't usually post on this board - mostly on the psychotherapy board - but I figured this particular post didn't belong there.

Today, I officially became divorced from my husband of nearly 15 years.

Because of my ex-husband's (wow, it feels soooo uncomfortable saying EX - ugh) erratic and unpredictable behavior, and his inability to stay civil for long, my therapist has been stressing to me that I have to limit my contact with him - only to issues relating to visitation.

It's only been in the last week or so that I have stayed firm on this boundary.

Well, I just found out tonight from a neighbor of mine the whole story about an incident that occured a few months prior to our separation. Basically, my ex-husband was subtly hitting on her. I knew that, but we chalked it up to some medication issues because he was acting extremely erratic during that particular period - and he was doing things that were quite abnormal. It seemed like a little bit crossing the line of flirting....

Now that we are officially divorced, my neighbor felt compelled to tell me the entire story. My ex actually bought a kinky outfit and showed it to her - saying that he bought it for her to wear for him, and that they would need to plan it. OMG!!!! I CANNOT believe he did that, and I am SOOOO upset about it!

Of course, now I'm divorced and it shouldn't even be of concern - but I SO BADLY want HIM to KNOW that I KNOW.....

All of these months, he's been lashing out at me....then trying to get me to sleep with him....then telling me how much he loves me....trying to get me to stop the divorce from happening....then making threats...back and forth with the craziness....and now I learn THIS??!?!?!??!

I am just SO ANGRY and UPSET......

But then, there's my therapist in the back of my mind saying NO contact with him. And, of course, the fact that we are divorced makes it a moot point.

UGH. What should I do?

I guess I should bring it up with my therapist...but I won't be able to see him until next Thursday....except during group therapy on Tuesday. I guess I can bite my tongue that long to get feedback from him.

AAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AAAAA]

Stick with the no contact. Even letting him know you found out about his behavior sucks you back into his world. He behaved horribly, but I assume you knew that which is why you divorced him. Even doing something as simple as letting him know he was an ***, will give him the message that he's welcome to wreak havoc in your life even though you're not together anymore.

Do not let him continue to control your life. His behavior is his own, it does not affect your life anymore (except where the kids are concerned). The way I see it you have two choices, let this blast from the past make you miserable or be grateful you got out of the marriage when you did.

[sabby]

I agree with AAAAA ..... you are definitely better off away from him at this point. I truly hope you can not contact him about this information you have.

I completely understand how you are feeling. No matter that you are now divorced, it happened while you were still married. And dammit, it hurts! I'm so sorry

Remember that even though you are now divorced, your feelings, emotions and thoughts don't just stop. There is a grieving period and an anger period and a "good riddance" period you will go through before you find your peace.

One of the things that helped me to get thru my divorce from the first husband who was abusive was this....no matter how much I wished I could have slung mud at him, we had children together. I had to respect them and try to keep a civil relationship with the sperm donor for their sake. I also knew in my heart that "what goes around, comes around" and at some point, he would get his come uppance! And he has....and I've been able to see it. It's unfortunate now that he suffers so, but he did bring it on himself....so I have little compassion for him at this point.

Hang in there hon......better days are coming!

[googley]

MUE-
Stay strong and keep your boundaries. It will be better for you to not contact him. You can still be angry though. It does suck. Take care of yourself!

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I don't usually post on this board - mostly on the psychotherapy board - but I figured this particular post didn't belong there.

Today, I officially became divorced from my husband of nearly 15 years.

Because of my ex-husband's (wow, it feels soooo uncomfortable saying EX - ugh) erratic and unpredictable behavior, and his inability to stay civil for long, my therapist has been stressing to me that I have to limit my contact with him - only to issues relating to visitation.

It's only been in the last week or so that I have stayed firm on this boundary.

Well, I just found out tonight from a neighbor of mine the whole story about an incident that occured a few months prior to our separation. Basically, my ex-husband was subtly hitting on her. I knew that, but we chalked it up to some medication issues because he was acting extremely erratic during that particular period - and he was doing things that were quite abnormal. It seemed like a little bit crossing the line of flirting....

Now that we are officially divorced, my neighbor felt compelled to tell me the entire story. My ex actually bought a kinky outfit and showed it to her - saying that he bought it for her to wear for him, and that they would need to plan it. OMG!!!! I CANNOT believe he did that, and I am SOOOO upset about it!

Of course, now I'm divorced and it shouldn't even be of concern - but I SO BADLY want HIM to KNOW that I KNOW.....

All of these months, he's been lashing out at me....then trying to get me to sleep with him....then telling me how much he loves me....trying to get me to stop the divorce from happening....then making threats...back and forth with the craziness....and now I learn THIS??!?!?!??!

I am just SO ANGRY and UPSET......

But then, there's my therapist in the back of my mind saying NO contact with him. And, of course, the fact that we are divorced makes it a moot point.

UGH. What should I do?

I guess I should bring it up with my therapist...but I won't be able to see him until next Thursday....except during group therapy on Tuesday. I guess I can bite my tongue that long to get feedback from him.

AAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------
-Many things here: Yes stay away - you broke the relationship, you closed the door. Keep it locked.

I know your heart wants to believe in the fairy tale or fantasy relationship that we thought we had. But once realizing it never was there will take a while to realize - but you someday will see.

I have been married 4 times each time I thought was better than the other, each time I thought I found Prince Charming. Each time my mind
and heart believed I had.

Each time I was slapped in the face when I opened my eyes and saw what was REALLY there.

It is still hard to not let go of what I thought was there..
BUT DARN IT - IT JUST NEVER WAS - It was only IN MY MIND, my mind developed it as a fanstasy relationship.

Now that you are finding out more and more - it is shocking, and still unbelieveable - I again know (been there)
Even still sometimes dream or think how it could of worked out.

Pretend to be in a boat with him (or whom ever you may met up with).
Both of you are suppose to be rowing. (Which means the relationship)
Pick up your rows - are you rowing it alone?

The sweet things that brought you and your EX together will be the same sweet things that he will continue to blind you with.

Move on dear one - Think of him as a double tongued snake. What he does in front of you is not what he does behind you.

Sincerely Starlite*111

P.S. no body said things are easy - the lesson will continue to stay with us until we get it correct.

[salukigirl]

This is one of those times that I think you living a better life is really the best revenge. He seems like a person that does all these things just to see if he has control over your emotions. Dangling you around like a toy and changing moods all the time. Seems very self-absorbed and just wants control over you. I think the more he tries these things and the more you resist, it will drive him insane. People like this cannot stand to be ignored and if you do that, that will be the best revenge on him. Because sinking to his level and throwing something in his face is exactly what he wants - he wants to drag you down and make you miserable.

I know it's hard to do but I think if you stay away from him, and keep contact to an absolute minimum, it will get easier over time. Good luck!!!! And, yes, you are DEFINITELY better off without him.

[theotterone]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

This is one of those times that I think you living a better life is really the best revenge. He seems like a person that does all these things just to see if he has control over your emotions. Dangling you around like a toy and changing moods all the time. Seems very self-absorbed and just wants control over you. I think the more he tries these things and the more you resist, it will drive him insane. People like this cannot stand to be ignored and if you do that, that will be the best revenge on him. Because sinking to his level and throwing something in his face is exactly what he wants - he wants to drag you down and make you miserable.

I know it's hard to do but I think if you stay away from him, and keep contact to an absolute minimum, it will get easier over time. Good luck!!!! And, yes, you are DEFINITELY better off without him.

I totally and whole-heartedly agree!

I had something similar happen in a friendship, rather than romantic relationship. I had someone who I thought was a friend stab me in the back. Now, when I am a friend, I am fiercely loyal. When my best friend and I made a connection and formed a strong bond last fall, he was working later so he would wait after work for me to get done and then we would go out or to his place to hang with his family (regular thing now, the hanging out). When we would leave, we would go through the lobby where the back stabber worked. My BF would get "if looks could kill" looks as we walked by. The back stabber (ha! BS! Appropriate!) has since left his job, but the BF and I get a chuckle out of it to this day.

Stay strong. It's a hard time. Just chalk it up to one more good reason you split, and one more to stay away.