Need help, advice, guidance

Here's the background: I am dating a wonderful woman for six months. I'm 39; she's 40. I've never been married. She is divorced and has been for about 10 years. She got married at 22. Her ex-husband was and still is an alcoholic who was abusive verbally and pyschologically, and at least one time physically with her. Recently, she told me that at the end of her marriage, she had an affair that lasted six months until she broke it off. She was not separated at the time the affair started but served divorce papers to her ex-husband while the affair was happening. I don't know how frequently she was in contact with the other guy. But she broke it off then and there and has had no further contact with the lover since then.

Of course, this makes me ask, how to approach this? Part of me wants to stay with her because prior to her telling me this, I thought we had great long term potential. Part of me wants to end our relationship before we get serious. I don't believe the saying that once a cheater, always cheater. However, I do have reservations. If we do stay together, if we hit a rough patch, does this mean that she'll cheat again? She seemed utterly devasted that she did this.

I know that we need to discuss a lot more of this, but does anyone have any advice? help? guidance? Experienced something similiar? Topics that we should discuss? Books for guidance?

Thanks.

Hi chiguy and welcome to PC...

One spot does not make a leopard...It is common for us all to behave in extraordinary ways when confronted by abuse,,especially over long periods of time...

Keep talking with this Lady,,,be honest about your feelings,,never acuse. I'm sure that at the age of 39,,there are some events in your life that you are less than proud of...that do not define you.

Again,,welcome to PC,,please make yourself to home...

Lenny

WELCOME!

I agree with Lenny. Look at her situation at the time. Notice how she has not had further contact with that partner since. She was looking for an escape, found it, then let it go when it no longer served that purpose.

My sister had an affair before she was divorced too. I won't go into detail about her issues, and I have no trouble critizing my sister when I feel it is warrented. But that said, she is one of the most loyal and devoted people I know. D (my husband) has admitted to things that happened long before we met that I don't agree with, but they were before my time and he has shown me he won't do the same to me...

Keep building your relationship. I don't think you have much to worry about (though I understand why you do), look at how your relationship is forming and growing. You do not treat her as her ex husband does. She shouldn't have the need/want/temptation to go anywhere else. We are human and make mistakes. Don't let this one thing ruin it for you. Be honored she trusts you enough to tell you about it. It's not the proudest moment in her life, but she trusts you to accept her unconditionally. That said, I am not saying be a door mat for her, but realize that we all have things we have done that we regret. The greatest gift you can give is acceptance.

I hope this helps. Just know we are a supportive bunch here!

hi

i do not believe in ''once a cheater, always a cheater''. to clarify right off the bat, i had an affair once. i was not sleeping w/my husband at the time (separate rooms, etc. ) but we were still legally married so i still DO consider it cheating.

there are many different situations in life, and in love.

we are all human beings, far from perfect. we have love, hate, passion, needs, fear, and we make mistakes.

frankly, she didn't really have to tell you this very personal and potentially negative, detail.

also - look at the short length of time you've been together. would a person say on a first date, "hi, i'm [name] and i had an affair once". . . .? um, no.

generally in all healthy relationships, the past, truths, and sometimes confessions, come out gradually - and they usually come out because trust has been built from the confessor to the confessee.

this woman obviously has been battered emotionally and physically yet she has been brave enough to trust you, because she must love you a great deal.
and she has given you one of her deepest confessions.

infidelity usually is a sign of disconnection in a relationship - or it is a personal character flaw.
seems like her ex did have major flaws. the relationship breakdown always occurs before the infidelity.

if you BOTH try to maintain a healthy relationship, fidelity will be a given. just my opinion hon and based on experience (both as someone who cheated and as someone who has been cheated on ) my best to you : ) xx

All of the advice you have received so far is excellent. I particularly like what Sweetypie had to say or perhaps, the way she said it. The "disconnection" in a marriage is at the heart of being unfaithful.

I've had a very rough life, making some whopper bad decisions in my choice of men. I like to think that I've had pretty good morals with the exception of cheating on my first husband. It was at the end of our marriage. However, that was uncalled for. That was wrong. I would never do it again. To this day, I regret it. Only because I don't believe in it. It was 33 years ago.

I also tried pouring boiling water into a pitcher over the stove one day. The pan slipped and the boiling water splashed all over the top of the stove and ended up splashing onto my thighs. I won't ever pour the boiling water in that manner again, either.

We live and learn.

Vickie - As much as that had to hurt, I couldn't help but giggle. It sounds like something I would do!