[normx13]

Well this is my first post on here. A friend recommended this for me. I'm not to sure where to start so here we go.

I'm pretty young (22) and I've noticed that I suffer depression and many other problems more then most people. I have a lot of trust issues due to an ex girlfriend who cheated on me 7 times with multiple partners. I'm currently in a relationship that's going sour due to my actions and words. We've been dating almost two years now. Our two year anniversary is next month. I haven't worked since I met the girl. I've had a few odd and end jobs but none have lasted longer then 3 months. I'm really selfconcious about a lot of things. I used to weigh 325lbs. and I lost a lot of it. I weigh 200lbs. now but everytime I look in the mirror I find something else about my self that I'm disgusted with. I suffer from ADHD and find a lot of normal things hard to do or cope with. My girlfriend has gained some weight since we started dating and she's also selfconcious about her body. We have some issues with our sexual relationship. We used to have sex 2-3 times a day everyday and now we'd be lucky if we have sex maybe once or twice a month. She's the only girl I've even fallen in love with. Idk why but for some reason I bring up her past way more then I should. I ask personal questions like how many people she's been with, what she's done, etc. etc. I know this has put a strain on our relationship and love life. A couple of months back I had a handfull of girls send me naked pictures which were saved in my email. She has trust issues too and was going through my email and found them. Since then she said she fell out of love with me and she has zero trust in me. I know what I did was wrong but I honestly don't know why I did what I did. She's trying to get close to me but whenever I'm happy I bring up the past again or I'll bring up the lack of sex. Everytime she tries to get close I push her away again. I've been so depressed lately that I've been slightly suicidal. I know I want to stay with her but everytime things are getting better I always find a way to screw them up again. Just recently we started this job together at a local haunted attraction. I only applied for the job so that I could buy her an anniversary present and give her the rest of the money for my bills. Her parents forbid me to see her because I got in trouble with the law. This happened around 6 months of us dating and she's been lying to her parents so she could come see me. She's really busy with her job, college, and the now seasonal job. I usually only get to see her tue, fri, and sat. Well tonight my boss called and fired me. For what reason I have no clue. But at the job there's a guy that flirts with her. She told him she has a boyfriend yet he still continues. I often get upset/mad with her for talking to him because of jealousy and fear of losing her. On top of that I'm too over-protective of her. I don't want her to be friends with guys because I feel as though she'll find someone else. The job at the haunted attraction only lasted 5 days for me and now I'm at an all time low. I'm trying to change for the better because she's a really good girl. I love her to death but I can't keep treating her like crap. I told her that she deserves to be treated better and that I'd understand if she wanted to part ways. Well she doesn't want to leave me and I don't want to leave her. I just really need some help. I appologize for jumping around with my story. It may come off as confusing. But I need some opinions. I don't know what to do or how to change.

[VickiesPath]

I read and reread your post a couple of times. I'm not sure if you two live or lived together (but her father wouldn't let her see you?) or what your living arrangements are. First, you do have trust issues. Your previous relationship should have been over at least by the second episode of cheating at the latest. It would make sense to forgive after one but after the second, it's adios, mi amiga. This made you suspicious of women in general. Once the newness of your current relationship wore off, you started a push-pull maneuver in the intimacy areas.

Your depression and suicidal ideations are a red flag that you need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Have you ever consulted with a professional before? Please consider doing this. You would also benefit from counseling. If money is an issue, I would contact your community mental health agency and they will make you an appointment with a phychologist on a sliding scale basis and then you will be evaluated for medication purposes. Please don't let this simply "ride". It is not wise to ignore these symptoms. Relationship issues are a common cause of depression. Also, please go the route I suggested. Regular family doctors don't know enough about phychotropic drugs to prescribe them accurately.

If you have more questions, please post. There are many kind and knowledgable people here who care.

[RomanSunburn]

Hey there, welcome to PC.

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now and really struggling emotionally. That's never very fun... It seems like most of your problems stem from low self-esteem, and you're allowing that to affect your relationship. One thing that popped out at me while reading your post was that both you and your girlfriend have been struggling with self confidence and your bodies. Why don't you guys try taking up some sort of physical activity you two can do together? Perhaps tennis, cycling, some sort of fitness class, or even just walking or running together. This will probably help lift your depression a little, allow you to get closer to your girlfriend, and help you both get in better shape. If you're interested in doing this, then I'd suggest saying to her "I'm trying to get into shape, and would like your support. Do you wanna go for a walk together?" (Basically, I wouldn't recommend saying "We both need to get in shape, lets go!" cause that might hurt her feelings. Us girls are sensitive about stuff like that).

Next, I think the two of you might benefit from a good conversation about how you're both feeling. Does she know youre depressed? Does she know that you love her and want to treat her better? Maybe if the two of you could have a frank (but gentle) discussion, it might get you thinking as to what you can do for her that would make you feel better.

Also, I understand about bringing up your girlfriend's past sex life. I do that with my boyfriend. I used to be worse, but i"ve gotten better. I finally had to tell myself that if my boyfriend wanted to leave me, he would have. But he hasn't. I also realized I needed to start thinking positively about our future. Lastly, I stopped thinking about my relationship so much. I'm staying busy with school and everything, so I dont have time to think negative thoughts. Try to get involved in various activities, keep your mind active, that way you won't be able to dwell on negative thinking. I know losing a job is really crappy, but maybe you can look for another. In this economy, it won't be easy. But, maybe at this time of year you'll be able to find some retail job getting ready for Christmas. Anything to help keep your mind active.

Trust issues are tough for any relationship. As long as your and your girlfriend are always honest and upfront with each other, the trust will slowly come back. You have to be patient, loving, and caring, though. When my boyfriend and I had some issues, we made a promise to each other. Just stating it really helped, just saying out loud "I promise to be forever only with you" really helped us. Even though that was over a year ago we needed to say that, I still ask him to say it from time to time if I'm feeling low. I dunno, hearing it.. It just helps.

I know this has been pretty general, and maybe not even much help, but I wanted you to know you're not alone. Hang in there. And remember, everyone here at PC is really nice and willing to help you as best as they can.

Best wishes,
Ro

[normx13]

Yeah we haven't lived together at all. We both live with our parents. I've seen doctors before for depression and the medication never worked. I've had councelling in the past. The thing with the girl that cheated on me 7 times was that she told me she cheated on me once and I was really upset but I gave her another chance. She told me through voicemail that she did it 7 times and that she doesn't love me anymore. Thanks for the tips though.

[normx13]

For some reason I keep finding ways to screw this up. My GF came over after work and I made her homemade soup and gave her my warm pajamas to wear. I then gave her a back rub and started to rub her feet. She said that she was going to sleep over but after like 2 hours she decided to go home because her mom was being all weird. She has to lie about where she is when she sleeps over. In all of almost two years this would've only been the third time she has spent the night. But this time her mom asked for the address where the girl lives that she was supposedly sleep over at. She got all paranoid and left. I got all pissed off because she pretty much lied to me about sleeping over. Well the other day when I got fired I kicked my glass table (upsidedown fishtank) and it broke. There was a bunch of glass still on the table that needed to be knocked out and cleaned up. I know I have anger issues and a lack of selfcontrol when I get to a certain point. I ended up punching the glass and cutting my finger so deep that you can see the bone. She was packing up her stuff as if we were breaking up and she was grabbing pictures and such. I grabbed this picture frame and threw it against the wall. It's a frame that she got me for our one year anniversary. After she left I went out and drank a few beers to calm down. I realize that I'm a total a-hole. I REALLY want to change for the better. Should I let her go or should I just try harder?

[jensasweetie]

I don't have any experience in this but I would say you are going to have to take care of the anger issues. They will not go away ! I am the survivor of abuse though and I can tell you she will eventually go away if the pressure from anger doesnt stop. Thats just my opinion.

You are doing like me though; taking things too personal. I don't mean to be harsh but come on She had a very valid reason to leave in the fear of upsetting her mom. I think this gal has a lot on her plate as far as feeling like she is always pleasing one person or another. Do you know what I mean? She very well could have been hella upset last night after finding out about her mom as she may have had her heart set on being with you. Then you reacted and the anger came out; what was she to do with her feelings?

Again. I don't mean to be harsh; guess it's just touchy for me.

Huggs

Jen

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with what jensasweetie said. I dont want to be harsh either, but you have to understand your girlfriend's point of view as well. She didn't lie to you about sleeping over. She probably really wanted to, but got upset when her mom was asking for details. That's understandable. She is under a lot of pressure by lying to her parents all the time to be with you, and you really need to be gentle with her and appreciate what she is going through for you. Furthermore, if you keep doing things like throwing picture frames (that she gave you for a special occasion so it probably meant a lot to her), she will get scared and maybe even leave you, or at the very least feel like the things she does for you aren't appreciated. You should try looking into therapy to deal with what is going on right now, especially your anger issues. If you dont have the money to do so, there are plenty of posts on here that talk about sliding scale payment systems. If you want to save your relationship, you need to start making changes now before you push her away.

Best wishes,
Ro

[jerrymichele]

I agree with everyone else. Do get therapy, and see a pdoc. You know showing her that kind of anger could keep her away from you. Not to be mean, but I would have left also.
It's not cool at all that her parents don't want you around her. From what your saying it's the jail thing. I'm not sure, but I think that it is more then that. The reason why I'm saying this, is that I have a 17 year old, (almost 18) she was dating a guy who I did not approve of. The reason? I didn't like how he was treating her. If he would have made an honest effort to change somethings in his life, then I would have been more accepting to him. It is also something for you to think about your gf having to sneak to be around you. If you want her to come around more without sneaking, then it is up to you to make things right with her parents. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if my daughter told me that she was dating a guy who gets mad at her, and breaks things when he is angry, then I am going to tell her that I don't want her to be around him. If her parents know this about you then I think that they are worried about her safety.
One thing that I would like to say is the past is the past. What your gf did in her past, should be left in her past. She can't change it. You could really be making her feel very uncomfortable by bringing it up all the time. We all have have things in our past that we arent proud of, and it's like your smacking her in the face with it. If you can't take her for the person that she is, then maybe it's time to say goodbye to the relationship. I will say this. It would be really smart of you to clear up the mess with her parents. If you really want her in your life then take care of that. It's just not fair to your gf at all.