[Amanda_1981]

I'm 28 years old and have never been in a serious relationship before. My longest relationship lasted 3 months and that was over 10 years ago! The last time I was even with a guy was over a year ago and it only lasted just over a month. I'm beginning to think something is seriously wrong with me. I think I start to panic once things become serious and I get scared and push them away. But I don't want to do that anymore. I want a serious relationship. I want to get married and have kids. I don't want to be scared anymore. In the past, I dated guys for all the wrong reasons... out of depression mainly, which had disastrous results. Part of still has self esteem issues that I need to work on, but I do know that I want to be in a relationship and I don't want to be scared anymore. I want a life.. a future.. a husband.. children. How do you know when you're ready? Where does everyone find all these great guys? Sometimes I think no guy will ever want me because I've gained a lot of weight from the meds I take. I just hope there's a good guy out there somewhere who accepts me for who I am. Any idea how to find him?

[VickiesPath]

Hi amanda,

I can tell you exactly how to meet the right man for you. Now, you need to know something about me. I married the wrong guy......three times!!!! Not the same guy three times. But three wrong guys, three times. But the fourth time, I married the right guy. And here's what made the difference.

I decided that I was going to get to know me. So, I went to therapy and got to know me and got to like who I was. I gained some self-esteem. Then, I got busy doing things that I enjoyed doing. By doing that, I started meeting people who liked the same things I liked. This also gave me more confidence. And while I was enjoying myself, I met a man who I had things in common with. We were in the same line of business, we had the same level of intelligence, we had the same sense of humor, we could talk and talk about all kinds of things. I found out as time went on that we had similar family values. It was amazing to me how many things we had in common. In August, we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Also, my sister didn't get married until she was 32. She had dated her husband for 8 years before she became engaged. They will celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary this month. So, not everyone is married by the time they reach 28.

Don't worry so much. You have many years ahead of you. I would give anything to be in your position and have someone tell me that I need to become friends with myself. At your age, I didn't have a clue.

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

[deliquesce]

i just turned 25 and needed this thread. thank you amanda for starting it, and vicki for sharing your insight .

[marjan]

Thanks ((((Vickie)))) for your advice....that's the complete truth....
I do have problem knowing myself and what I like....I think I'm getting better by the time....

And my dear ((((Amanda)))) don't worry too much about age....I'm 36 and single....my first long term relationship starts when I was 28 and for 3.5 years we were dating before getting married....but my marriage didn't last 1.5 year even!!!! I didn't know what I want and we were so opposite...so opposite that it was impossible to stay together....

Vickie is so right about knowing yourself and do whatever you like to do...then you will find the right person...

take care
Marjan

[epicdweeb]

Don't feel bad. I'm 29 and have never been in a serious relationship. I also think my attempts at dating in the past were out of depression and the feeling that it was what society expected me to do. Maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet, but whenever I tried to date I would quickly want out. I worry I will never meet someone I truly love and I want to be with, and for whom the feeling is mutual.

[robin620]

I didn't start dating until I was in my late 20's, nothing serious until my late 30's. With me, by the time I thought I could start dating all the guys I knew were married or otherwise unavailable. I started looking in creative places and hoped for the best.

My advise to you is to take advantage of the time you now have to look at what you really want in a relationship. What are the things you need in a lifelong partner, what annoyances you can live with, things like that.

The most important thing I think is that you know yourself and be yourself, by yourself or with someone else.

[theotterone]

Originally Posted by Amanda_1981

I'm 28 years old and have never been in a serious relationship before. My longest relationship lasted 3 months and that was over 10 years ago! The last time I was even with a guy was over a year ago and it only lasted just over a month. I'm beginning to think something is seriously wrong with me. I think I start to panic once things become serious and I get scared and push them away. But I don't want to do that anymore. I want a serious relationship. I want to get married and have kids. I don't want to be scared anymore. In the past, I dated guys for all the wrong reasons... out of depression mainly, which had disastrous results. Part of still has self esteem issues that I need to work on, but I do know that I want to be in a relationship and I don't want to be scared anymore. I want a life.. a future.. a husband.. children. How do you know when you're ready? Where does everyone find all these great guys? Sometimes I think no guy will ever want me because I've gained a lot of weight from the meds I take. I just hope there's a good guy out there somewhere who accepts me for who I am. Any idea how to find him?

Some would say (not here, but some would) that really, I have no right replying to this since I met/got together with my husband (D) when I was about a month from turning 22.

That being said, I have been with him for 12 years now. When we met, he was 30, we had our first daughter when he was 32 and second when he was 36.

If I had it to do all over again, I wish I had been older. I was 24 when my first daughter was born, 28 when my second daughter was born. I would not give them up for anything in the world!

It wasn't until almost 4 years ago when D announced to the whole family (the girls were 6 and 2 at the time) that we were getting divorced. I had been with him for so long and from such a young age I was scared to find out who I was without him.

Now D and I have stayed together and have MANY issues to work out, which we are doing through counseling. But I discovered that past January not only how strong I am, but WHO I am. I am worth loving, even by myself, and know who I am. It is this strength that I am working through tough, TOUGH issues with him, but I would have liked to have had that all before we had gotten involved.

I don't know if this helps or not, but life is not a race, it is for living. Be ok with yourself and the rest will follow!

[Amanda_1981]

Thanks everyone for your replies! Vickie, you are so right... I do need to start knowing myself. I was actually thinking of going to therapy and working on my self esteem issues and my confidence. It's something that I've been lacking lately and I think once I start becoming more confident in myself, then perhaps I'll be more confident in seeking out a relationship. I guess I need to learn to be more patient and realize that just because all my friends are getting engaged and married doesn't mean I have to right now too. I know the right guy will come along when it's the right time. And it will be well worth the wait

Thanks again everyone for all your replies and advice! Very much appreciated!

[BiscuitTin]

I will share my story.

I'm 31 and never had a girlfriend. There's nothing physicall wrong with me, I'm attractive and intelligent and all that.

I guess I'm boring? And I have social phobia so I have avoided social situations in the past. At the moment I wouldn't know where to go to find a girl.

Anyhoo.

[Bellatrix00]

I'm 24 and in the same boat as you. Never had a serious relationship. Longest relationship was 6 months. I find it reassuring seeing this thread and the replies that so many more people than I expected are in the same boat as well. So thank you for starting this thread.

What are the reasons for your relationships ending? That might give us a better understanding on what the problem is so we can give better advice to you.

I wish I could just find a man that will like me for me.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by Deborah35

I wish I could just find a man that will like me for me.

You will.....

[robin620]

"What are the reasons for your relationships ending? That might give us a better understanding on what the problem is so we can give better advice to you."

With me it wasn't so much a matter of relationships ending, it's that they never began. I was shy and (probably too) focused on other things. I didn't feel like I had much to offer a potential significant other so I settled for wallowing in my singleness and crying myself to sleep - alone. Since no one fell madly in love at first sight and swept me off my feet like they do on TV, I felt like no one would ever be interersted in me as anything but a friend.

Sometimes if you look hard enough at a wall, you will see a window (or even a door) that you have never seen before. Sometimes, you need to stop staring at that particular wall and start looking in other places for those windows and doors.

[Vlo1980]

Hi Amanda!

I think Vicky is absolutely right! Knowing yourself and what you want is very important. Working on your self-esteem can be just as important as well. It's hard to make the right choices in relationships if you don't like yourself or who you are because you may end up settling for things that people with a healthy self-esteem probably never would. Don't worry so much about the way you look and the weight you've gained, and if that really bothers you, come up with a nice fitness routine that you enjoy and you'll lose the weight in no time.

Focus on your strengths, on the things you really like about yourself insted of focusing on what you don't like and your self-esteem will be going through the roof before you know it.

Good luck to you hon. I hope you find Mr. Right soon!

[Amanda_1981]

Thank you everyone for you replies! I really appreciate all the support and advice! I think I will look in to free therapy (if there is such a thing here) or at least geared to low income therapy. I think I would really benefit from it and gain a lot more self esteem that would help me to start feeling comfortable dating again. One thing I did not mention (and I am not sure if this is why I have a hard time with relationships) is that when I was about 20 or so, my uncle started becoming obsessed with me and stalked me to the point where I had to get a restraining order. I still have nightmares to this day (8 years later) and have a hard time trusting men. Maybe deep down, I don't realize when I date guys that, that incident has impacted me so much that it has given me trust issues and causes me to back away when things start to become serious.

Thanks again to everyone who replied.. it's so nice to get support from others who understand and support one another!

[WantsSomsTruth]

I'm seventeen, I only had a three week "relationship" with a girl. That was about a year and a half ago. I'm in your boat, in a way.

Honestly, I'm glad that I'm single. There is nothing wrong with you. You shouldn't allow standards screw you over.

Frankly, dating is a stupid concept. I say this because we say that we want "Mr. Right" or "Miss Right", but most people "date" to "find someone special". It's funny that we "date" to find a husband or wife, but we just bump into good friends. We filter boyfriends and girlfriends for our own needs and desires but then forget the that person has feeling and STILL reject him/her.

You don't like that your boyfriend likes rap? You can dump him!
Don't like that your girlfriend has a weird bump on her head? Dump her!

This kind of mind set that hinders people from finding people who match them very well. Whereas friendships (the healthy ones that is) can accept these differences and can be very strong for that. Personally, I hope a meet a woman who matches me fairly well (afterall, it'd be cool to know a girl who's similar to me, and it does suck to sleep alone sometimes) but I'd prefer a relationship where we're great friends and it's a strong love based on us, not some random "relationship" that I shove myself in out of desperation and some horniness that ultimately leads to me being unhappy.

Friends are great, don't be like how I was and not remember that friends and family count as good love too!

Of course, that is my opinion.