[pepper]

My wife of 13 years has been accusing me of infidelity since we were married. I have never even had an inappropriate conversation with another. She also constantly tells me how I feel about a situation when it just isn't true. She will not ask me how I feel about something, or tell me she is concerned about possible infidelity, it is always an accusation. She of course is never at fault when we have a disagreement. She suffers from low self esteem and insecurity, facts she revealed early in our relationship. I know she has many disturbing issues from her past, a couple that she imposed upon herself. Is there a name for this behavior? I am an adult child of an alcoholic compounded by adult ADD and am currently working with a counselor and know my defensive reations to her behavior are rooted there. Just realizing where my behavior has come from has given me great hope and a renewed confidence. I know it is not my fault. I want her to know her behavior is not her fault either but she needs to get the counseling she so we can heal and come together as man and wife. By the way, she has left me, filed for divorce, put the divorce on hold and we are both seeking counseling. I am most disturbed because she cannot seem to grasp the "no fault" realization which is necessary to begin communicating and healing. SOMEBODY HELP ME WITH THE WORDS TO SAY TO HER! WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS BEHAVIOR OF HERS????

[sweetngentle]

Wow. You have a lot of issues going between the struggles you are having and that of your wife. I think that it's a good move for you to be in counseling.....your wife REALLY!!! needs to be in therapy too. Do you know what her Dx is? Are you both gong to marriage counseling? Do both of you want to restore the marital relationship ?

From what I know it takes 2 pple committed to a relationship to make it work. Also, her problems aren't going to go away unless she gets some help. I haven't seen many problems just disappear on their own.

It sounds like your wife has a low self-esteem of herself and that she is very insecure. Are you able to help her at all with these issues?

You have a lot on your plate and so does your wife. While I am no expert I have ben married for 23 yrs.....and our relationship has had many bumps along the way.

I don't know if this help any..I hope so......please let us know how its going, ok?

Sweet

"It's never too late to be what you might have been". George Eliot

[darkeyes]

Chances may be slim on this, but sometimes a spouse who wants "out" may try to pull this as a valid reason to split, even if they know it isn't true. They convince themselves that you cheated and they are right and then they are "out of there" while maybe they always wanted to be, sounds far-fetched but it is possible. Also has there ever been anything that you have done to make her feel you were a cheater?? It's hard to believe there was never anything, even if to most of us seems very small and insignificant. Such insecurities can be brought out of the "closet" with triggers (though some people believe "triggers" don't exist) if your wife was having self esteem and insecurities problems for the 13 years you were married didn't you recognize it? Did she realize it? Was anything professionally done about this at that time?
It seems someone had needed therapy for a long time and never got it resulting in this outcome, "someone" may have meant both of you. It is good though that you are going to try counselling, it may help but if your wife is as serious and so eager to accuse you of false things and had unstable behaviour I'd suggest she sees a psychiatrist, he may be able to help her better than a counseller plus he/she can try some medications that may be of some help to her. Just my 2 cents, I almost did what your wife is about to do, I even had more reason to believe there was "hanky panky" going on, this woman(slut) travelled all over the world with my husband, air travel,eating and taking in the sites besides working together, etc.you know sooner or later someone starts to become attracted, and then "lie" about one's where abouts start, that's when a spouse almost goes balistic!!! It's the "lies", breaking the trust of two people who took vows when they got married, then some just toss it out the window for a "piece of ***".
Please know I am not accusing you of this but want you to see how a person can be made to feel. when betrayed, or am almost 100 % sure about it.
I wish you both lots of live and luck, take care now.
"darkeyes"

[daffadil]

I have just recently started to get help for the same problem that your wife has. In my case, (which sounds identical to your wife) I was diagnosed with dilusional disorder. I have the most wonderful boyfriend, who I know would never cheat on me, but I am terrified when he even looks in the direction of another woman. I get this knot in my stomach and feel like the ugliest person in the world. Here is an example of my behavior: We will be watching TV and an attractive female will come on. I will say something like "so I guess we're watching this so you can show me what you'd like me to look like?" and "well if I had that kind of money, I could look like that too." He'd say, "I don't know what you're talking about, you're prettier than her". I reply "That's right, that's why she's on TV, because she's so ugly right? Maybe you should write her a letter to tell her she should get a nice little roll around her waist and get rid of her implants so she'll be pretty like me."
That's a tame example of my typical reaction. I constantly tell my boyfriend what he thinks and how he thinks it. It has gotten to the point where we can't do anything together.
He told me once that I don't want a boyfriend, I want someone who I can put in a box and take out when I want, and he can do nothing untill I take him out of that box. And you know what? He's right. It's much more than insecurity and low self esteem. It's an actual clinical disorder like depression. It will only get worse without treatment. I am currently in therapy, and on medication. In every other way I am a normal productive member of society, as I'm sure your wife is. It took me a long time to realize that this is more than just my way of dealing with previous bad relationships. That was how I justified my behaviour. As I'm saying the things I say to my boyfriend, I wish I could stop, but I just can't, it's not something I have control over. I just can't stop myself. There is help out there, and I hope the two of you can find it. It's a long road, like I said I just started to get help, but my therapists assure me that I'm "curable". It's clinical name is dilusional disorder - spousal jealousy - morbid jealousy.
Good luck, and don't give up on her yet, not as long as she wants to get help. It's out there.

[ltlredvett]

You know I have been posting on this board for a while now and I just ran across this thread. I am so glad that I did because I think it really helps to explain a lot in my last relationship.

Let me begin by first saying that I have a "bucket load" of issues my self that I bring to a relationship. I have a history of depression and as a result have not been the best partner. And, when I was in a depressive melt down I would push my partner away at times. But, I always, always loved her and was working on getting through my depression. At any rate I am rambling here and I will get to the point.

My now ex girl friend was always very concerned whether she was adequate for me sexually. As a result I think that she was never really totally open to me and was always holding something back. She would constantly remark on how she wished she had larger breasts, that she somehow felt that was a prerequisite to being wanted and having great sex. Her breasts were small, but they had a great shape and I always told her better to be small as you age. Her breast size was never an issue with me. But even after dating for two years she would make comments about how she wished she had more, or comparing herself to her friends that were well endowed. All I wanted was for her to be open to me, I could of cared less what her cup size was and I told her that repeatedly. And, similar to other posts on here she would make comments about women I would see on TV or out in public. Oh my, I wanted her to just let it go.

Most recently she accused me of posting on an adult site. IT was a similar screen name I guess, I never really took the time to check it out. But the whole notion of it is just crazy.

She is an attractive and very desirable woman and I love her to death. I know I did things to erode her trust so I own a large part of the problem. But, she has similar issues to those expressed on here. I can only pray that we both work out our demons and come back together once again.

[daffadil]

If it is what I have, delusional dissorder, it is not something that will just go away one day. I don't know if it's an option, but if you tell her it's something she can get help for, maybe she'll go. I know therapy has been helping me a lot. I am also taking medication. (which is also great) My shrink tells me it is very rare, and mostly affects men, but I think it is a lot more common than he thinks, people just don't seek help. But I was at the point of losing a great guy, and to be honest, I'm tired of feeling like the ugliest female in the world every time I watch tv. (or step outside for that matter). You sound like you still really love her and I hope you can get back together.

[ltlredvett]

daffadil.... I do still love her.... very, very much. And, I miss her terribly. But, I fear that she will never take me back. I think its easier for her to believe that I am this evil person, then its easier to walk away from me.