Guilty of Infidelity

And that would be me. I pretty much blame myself. So what happened...I got bored of my marriage. Two years married and I got bored. And this is cheating online, not in person but it's still cheating. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing is wrong. I made a deal with myself to put an end to it on Monday and I'm putting it off. Okay, so what if I do? What happens if next time I cannot lie to get out of it? What if I really wanted to end my marriage to persue people I meet online? Sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? As you can tell right now, I'm very tortured by this. I'm fully aware that both my wife and the one who I'm cheating on knows that something is not right. Neither of them know about each other but they know. I cannot deny the power of women's intuition.

Okay, knowing all of this, why cannot I come to terms with it in public? I made a first step talking to my family. The marriage I'm in started off as a long distance relationship. There wasn't much dating going on before we got married. I should have gotten out of it. Okay no more excuses.

Guys, sorry, I've grown a conscience. Cheating really does eat away at you until you get to a point where you feel that you cannot expose yourself anymore. It gets to a point where you just wait until you're found out. It's going to happen to me and I'm scared as hell. If I can get the courage to expose myself for the fraud that I am, I feel like I can get my life back in order.

...so that's what I need right now. How can I feel comfortable enough to expose myself as a sham? I know this is a tall order

have you considered talking to a therapist to help figure out what drove you to cheat in the first place? maybe once you know the answer to that you'll have a better idea of whether couples therapy might help your marriage.

personally, i don't think telling your wife is the answer. that would relieve you of your guilt, but it would stir up a lot of awful things for her. i think you'd be better served correcting your behavior and trying to be a better husband.

A therapist would help, yes. Talking with the family helped, too. My grandmother knew that I was unhappy. I couldn't bring myself around to say it.

Alright, I guess some more background information is needed.

You have to understand this is hard to do for me, normally guys like me are labelled scum.

I'm originally from Canada. In 2001, I got my US passport, graduated, moved to South Carolina and got married. All in the same year. That's where my wife and her family live. In fact, my wife and I live down the street from her parents. Literally. I moved way out of my comfort zone for her and I guess I feel that she has not moved out of hers. I don't want to stay here. That and we haven't made love for the past four months due to some sort of illness.

For some people this is superficial, but I guess what I want to know is why am I looking at other women now? Why am I not happy? Was marriage the right thing for me? Why am I starting to feel like it's not?

I'm sorry, this has really turned personal and I didn't mean it to be. Not on a public forum.

Okay, here's the other thing too, she has done nothing wrong. She doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or sleep with other people. I get along great with her family. I have no issues with them. Maybe it's just me.

Therapist - yes. They are not really there to fix you. They are there to help you find and organize all your issues, then finally and hopefully assist you with finding the answers.

It sounds like you are willing to struggle through this. That is great. Many guys just stand their ground and either the Mrs takes up the slack or it's over.

Yeah, I've been to a psychologist once. It's probably not the same. I hope it's not the same as a therapist.

I just have so many questions going around in my head right now. For example...should I spill the beans with the one I'm cheating with....just end it right now? If so why has it become so hard for me to end it? I mean this is the internet, there should be no reason for me to get hung up over a woman whom I never met, should there?

And yeah I am stuggling with this. I mean this is hard. People talk about counselling those who have been cheated on, and not those who are the cheaters. Well, I guess cheaters don't need counselling, we need therapy.

It is hard moving from your home to somewhere far away to be with the one person you want to be with. You leave all your friends and family. You lose the support system that you relied on for comfort and for plain old fun. It is hard to adjust to the new place, the new people. I have gone through it and it was terribly painful. I missed my home for many years. It was like an ache in the middle of my heart.

It is easy to become addicted to a person on the internet. That person can say the right things and be perfect because that person only has to keep up the act for a limited amount of time. She can make you feel good and treat you like a perfect human being because she doesn't have to listen to you go to the bathroom every morning and doesn't have to deal with you when she is feel crappy and just doesn't what to have to be the perfect partner because she is just to damn tired.

My advice, having been in both the situations you have spoken of, end your internet relationship. Go to a therapist and deal with your feelings about your move, your wife, your life. Face it head on because if you do not come to an understanding of what went wrong this time you will be doomed to repeat it over and over again. You might as well put the effort into the first marriage rather then in the 3rd or 4th. Trust me, the effort is worth it.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

Dear Jane (internet babe),

We have had a good time chatting and emailing. I learned a lot about relationships and myself. Most importantly, I learned that my wife is very important to me and that I cannot continue an activity which puts our relationship into jeopardy.

I will remember you fondly.

This is my last email to you.

John

talking to someone online is a type of new way to do it, and not get caught. Why is it eating you up? For one you loved your wife when you married her, now you are board. I know talking about sex is somethign you may take offence to, but have you tired anything new in the bedroom?? Have you talked to you wife about being "bored" ????
I had an affair when I was married, and it hurt me and him so badly, We never got over it, and I never forgave myslef for doing it. I was the one in the spot where you are right now...

Ok first off you are not a fraud, you are someone who is confused on what way his life is supposed to go? Talking to your wife would be the frist step.
Second have you had sex even onilne with the female???
Try to understand I am only giving advice, and trying to help you out. ok.
Good luck..

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

First and foremost you need to stop with the online chatting immediately (I've been there). And, then you need to open up the lines of cummunication with your wife (without telling her about the online escapades). You need to be able to express your feelings about the realtionship and explore why you are bored. Are you bored in your physical relationship, or do you feel emotionally distanced from her?

Counseling could help BUT you have to be sure to get the right therapist. You need a therapist that is experienced in dealing with relationships, but more importantly one that will be very direct and one that is looking out for what is in both of your best interests.

From my experience cheating of any kind is not the answer, it only makes the situation worse. Much worse. It is always easier to salvage what you have, and I think in most cases it can be salvaged.

Good luck.

I like that kvinneakt, straight and to the point.

Thanks.

Zenobia -

"My advice, having been in both the situations you have spoken of, end your internet relationship. Go to a therapist and deal with your feelings about your move, your wife, your life. Face it head on because if you do not come to an understanding of what went wrong this time you will be doomed to repeat it over and over again. You might as well put the effort into the first marriage rather then in the 3rd or 4th. Trust me, the effort is worth it. "

I'm afraid it's gone beyond simply that. I don't know how it got worse, but it did. Last night my wife told me that on a pervious dream, I left her. She woke up so upset that she couldn't talk to me about it. Not until we had a heart to heart. What bothered me about it was why she had to wait to tell me. She also threatened me to leave the apartment three times that night. I had to confront her to on that and ask her why she was so ready to give up on our marriage, especially since she has all the control. I don't even have my own bank account or my own credit cards.

The person who I've cheated on also had a dream that she told me about. In this dream she and I were married. She told me that it was very vivid. right to the last detail. The stubble on my face.

This isn't good for anyone, I'm afraid. I'm going to have to take the fall and just be prepared to lose everything. Althought deep down I know I won't lose everything. I bought this on myself. How could I have been so stupid and let this happen?

Lady Dragus - You actually have the most thought provocing post on the topic. :-)

Let's see if I can answer those questions:

> talking to someone online is a type of new way to do it, and
> not get caught. Why is it eating you up?

It is eating me up because I suspect the other person online already knows. We are at the phone call stage. But so far it's only one way. I have not given her my number. I've been using a phone card. So whenver she asks me for my number, I just avoid the subject. And from that I suspect she knows that something is not right. I've also been calling at times when my wife is working late night hours. She calls me and asks me what I've been doing on the phone and I have to say "Oh I'm on the internet". From that I suspect she knows that something is odd. You know how it goes, I'm digging myself into a deeper grave. It's easy to get out of for right now. I just have to use that recently posted Email suggested to her and end it. God give me the strength to do it. I have this nagging feeling that I shouldn't but I have to do it. I have to end the affair.

> For one you loved your wife when you married her, now
> you are board. I know talking about sex is somethign you
> may take offence to, but have you tired anything new in the
> bedroom??

When it comes to having an affair, all questions have to be taken into consideration, even sex. So no, I'm not offended. We've tried some new things but they ended up non-consistent. Three weeks ago, she gave me a blow job. A first time in three years. That lasted until that weekend. We went to a sex shop, first time in four years and we bought a couple of sex toys. She used hers a few times two weeks about but that was it. I think she lost interest. She's also built small so it's hard for me to pleasure her without her hurting. and yes guys, girls can be built small, too. It did get exciting but it felt....mechanical....like she had to do it...it is missing that warmth. That could be part of the problem.

> Have you talked to you wife about being "bored" ????

Yes I have. I don't meant to come down hard on the poor girl but we haven't done any exciting new positions in bed...just the two and I like variety but I guess it's just not going to happen. That could be another part of the problem.

> I had an affair when I was married, and it hurt me and him
> so badly, We never got over it, and I never forgave myslef
> for doing it. I was the one in the spot where you are right
> now...

I guess I'm at a point where I know I cannot get away with it. Something has got to end The affair cannot hold out. Even if I leave my wife, the affair won't last. Logically it has to be the affair and not the marriage. I just can't believe I carried it out this far. I should have known better.

> Ok first off you are not a fraud, you are someone who is
> confused on what way his life is supposed to go? Talking
> to your wife would be the frist step.

I have. I need to carry out more dialoges with her. She's not convinced that something is wrong. I've asked her last time if she felt we needed to see a cousellor and she says we don't. I'm convinced we (well, myself actually) have to.

> Second have you had sex even onilne with the female???

Yes. Phone sex, online sex and an exchance of pictures. It is serious, I'm afraid. At this point, i think you could understand the seriousness of the situation. I'm hesitating because the illusion of sex from online, pictures and the phone are good and the "promise-of-one-day-mind-blowing-sex". So how am I going to convince myself that I'm not going to miss it? Okay, there is one thing. Ever since I found this board and talking to you, a group of strangers, I feel more liberated. Well there is another thing. When the thunderstorm hit her computer, it shorted out her modem, as a result she's been coming online less and less. Plus unfortunately she got a cut in her job time which means I'm seeing her less online during the morning. As a result the passion is slowly dying. I need to make a complete break and I feel I have to do it right now. Now if I can only follow through with what I wrote.

> Try to understand I am only giving advice, and trying to help
> you out. ok.

And advice is what I desperately need right now. Thank you.

ltlredvett - Okay, let's tackle these questions/thoughts...boy am I glad I found you guys! :-)

> First and foremost you need to stop with the online chatting
> immediately (I've been there). And, then you need to open
> up the lines of cummunication with your wife (without
> telling her about the online escapades). You need to be
> able to express your feelings about the realtionship and
> explore why you are bored. Are you bored in your physical
> relationship, or do you feel emotionally distanced from her?

As I pointed out in a previous message, mother nature and pay cuts are helping me out there, in as far as online chatting. I'm more bored in a social sense. We don't go out anywhere except to the mall, to eat and to visit her parents. I find that we don't share interests like going out to movies (she admited that to me once), concerts, roller coasters, water slides and she's clausterphobic (she does get scared around a huge group of people). She's not as outgoing as other members in her family, which makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is that I lack that social excitement that I was looking forward to when I asked her to married me. I thought that was going to happen. Maybe I'm being unfair.

> Counseling could help BUT you have to be sure to get the
> right therapist. You need a therapist that is experienced in
> dealing with relationships, but more importantly one that will
> be very direct and one that is looking out for what is in both
> of your best interests.

How would you know which is the right therapist?

> From my experience cheating of any kind is not the
> answer, it only makes the situation worse. Much worse. It
> is always easier to salvage what you have, and I think in
> most cases it can be salvaged.

It isn't. I think it's more like an amplification of what is currently wrong in a relationship. Kind of like the person I'm having an affair with is what I wish my wife was more like. As you say, the marriage can be salvaged. Maybe I just need to learn to compromise.

> Good luck.

Thanks

well I can understand why it is eating you up. Making phone calls when your wife is not home, can be a very "dangerous game" I know you are being safe when you use calling cards, but this has got to stop.. Yes you should end it. And take it from the one who has done this, TELL YOUR SPOUSE. DO NOT LIE TO THEM.. if you still lvoe your wife, then she deserves that, even if you do not., a clean trutful break is the best way to go.

I hope you do get a clean break.

Ok, here goes round 2 of adivce
1. Commucaite with your spouse.. This is one thing I tried to get my ex to do, and he would not. Do not let something as beautiful as your love go down the drain, because you can not talk to each other.
2. Stop all of the online "Sex" stuff. get rid of anything you can not invlove your wife with. if you do not think she woudl be game for it, get rid of it.

I can understand about the "smallness" issue.. Trust me. Just be gentel, and try it whatever way you both like. THis is the hardest thing to talk about on the fourms...

any more qeustion and I will try to help as much as I can. ok


<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Lady Dragus

Before I start, I got into an interesting position the other day that may end the affair easily than I expected. The woman I'm having the affair with said she would understand if I broke up with her. Right out of the blue. So what does that tell me? It tells me that the affair isn't deeply rooted right now. There's still a chance that I can get out without hurting anyone if I follow your advice and just cut the sex right now.

Alright...

> 1. Commucaite with your spouse.. This is one thing I tried to get my ex to do, and he would not. Do not
> let something as beautiful as your love go down the drain, because you can not talk to each other.

The problem I'm having is that she is having a hard time communicating with me, which is better than not communicating I suppose. For example, we got into talking about fantasies two days ago. I told her mine (which is probably the fantasy that most men have) is having with with her and with another partner (IE: a threesome). This bothered her but she wasn't able to tell me until last night. She felt bothered that it was a fantasy that I wanted to live out. Of course I told her that it was just a fantasy. Then I asked about what kind of fantasies that she had and she wasn't able to come out with any. I was dissapointed, slightly, but what can I say? Is it enough for me to leave her? No. But still it was hard for her to communicate with me her displeasure.

> 2. Stop all of the online "Sex" stuff. get rid of anything you can not invlove your wife with. if you do not
> think she woudl be game for it, get rid of it.

I'll try my best. Speaking as a man, that may be a bit difficult, but I can do it.

First off talking about a Fanstay, is very hard for some woeman, when they were growing up, even me, my paretns never talked about "sex" it was just something that went along with marriage, but in today's society, men and weoman need much more than that to make a marrieage work..

something else you might look into, is there anything that is causing you or her "Undue" stress, bills ect... That might make the other not want the other..

I know it will be hard to "cut off" all online sex stuff, but for your marriages sake I would try very very hard.

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Lady Dragus --

> First off talking about a Fanstay, is very hard for some woeman, when they were growing up, even me,
> my paretns never talked about "sex" it was just something that went along with marriage, but in today's
> society, men and weoman need much more than that to make a marrieage work..

Right. I mean they are only fantasies, stuff that may end up not happening anyway but pleasing to think about. People have them. But of course marriage does not work on fantasies alone. In fact a marriage may not even need fantasies. A marriage does need communication to bind together.

> something else you might look into, is there anything that is causing you or her "Undue" stress, bills ect...
> That might make the other not want the other..

My sister suggested that possibility It's possible that her parents are forcing her to take a path choosen by them for her to conform to. Such as working at a place where she does not want to work at. It's stressing her, but her parents are re-inforcing her that it's the best place. For example, yesterday her father clipped out a newspaper article about how much profit the store (I'm keeping that confidential, but it's a national chain) has made in the past year. It's as if they don't want to lose control of her. She is their youngest daughter, of course. Anyway, that could be causing some stress there. But I don't know. There could be more to it.

> I know it will be hard to "cut off" all online sex stuff, but for your marriages sake I would try very very
> hard.

For the past half week, we talked a lot more about other stuff (such as analying each other's dreams and cooking) and less about sex. If I leave it at that and just chop sex from the equation completely...I'll work on that.

you have made some very hard decsions.. But I applaued you in making them.

Question ?? Can your "expense" survive if your wife looks for a differnt job that can make her happie, and you happie??? Just a thought. I do not like telling or even asking this type of question, but, if she is so unhappy, then that is something you both need to talk about, and it has to be your decsion not her parents..

When the youngest child leaves home, it is a very hard thing for the parents to let go, so you may have to start sticking up for her, if she needs it. ONly she can tell you she is not happy, and only she can tell you that she does not want her parents to run her life, that she wants to be your wife, no longer there "Babie"
It might be hard on her at first, but it is a step we all must take. It will also depend on how mature you both are to walk away from them......... It will take a great deal of willpower, and more engery than you think. But in the end it will all be worth it,,, because You will have a wife that is happie and in turn can make you happier.....

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

John....

I reread your posts and wanted to stop back and share some thoughts with you. First, I believe that the best relationships are those where there is a connection on a mental, emotional and physical level. In my first marriage we initially clicked mentally and emotionally. We were best friends for a long time. Our physical connection was OK, but I was young and didn't really know what I wanted in that regard. Over the years I discovered my exwife to be very manipulative and verbally/emotionally abusive. We stopped clicking emotionally which all but ended the physical relationship. I got to the point where I craved a passionate relationship. I wanted to experience wonderful physical intimacy. I used to watch a movie and see a couple in a deep, passioante kiss and think "I want that too".

After the break up of my marriage I found myself drawn to women that I was physically attracted to and also had that craving for physical intimacy. And, while I discovered the terrific physical intimacy I was seeking, the mental and emotional connection was not there. I found it very difficult to have it all. Many people would suggest that "you should not settle"... others would say "its all about compromise". I guess the bottom line is that it is about trade offs, it all depends on what you are willing to trade off.

After a couple disasterous relationships that largely revolved around physical intimacy I did discover a wonderful woman that I developed a profound love for. We did click on a mental and emotional level. Our physical relationship was going very well. She did have limitations, but nothing that I couldn't live with. And, she certainly did not have the "appetite that I did". But, again I was willing to trade off because I loved the mental and emotional closeness.

Then my depression kicked in big time and I pushed her away. I created this "monster" that she would have to hate because I was suicidal. I simply did not want her to be close to me, in love with me if I were to die. We did get back together once and our relationship was never the same. She developed a lck of trust in me that could never be regained and accused me of the unthinkable. She was not open to me and our emotional closenss suffered and the physical intimacy was never the same. I knew that she was holding back. The only time that the physical intimacy was great was after she had a little wine. One night I asked her if I could give her a mssage. While she said ok, it never materialized, she was never really into it. And, I love the sensuality of giving a good massage. I felt the same rejection I experienced in my marraige all over again. Although, this time it was the result of my own foolishness.

She is convinced that I didn't want her because physically she isn't what I wanted. Actually, I found her quite attractive, still do. She also thinks that I am obssessed with sex. She thinks that for all men, to use her words "Its all about the box". To that I say Bull S***. I see nothing wrong with wanting a healthy physical relationship. It just all depends on how far you are willing to compromise.

I have experienced a great physical relationship, but that grows old very, very quickly without the mental and emotional connection. But, not having your physical needs fulfilled can also be equally as frustrating.

For me it matters not any more as my girl friend is now my ex girl friend. I was too successful in pushing her away. And, as a result I have neither my mental, emotional or physical needs fulfilled.

Just be very careful in what you do to fulfill your desire for physical fulfillment. It can impair your judgement and you are likely to make some major mistakes that you will regret for a long, long time.

Thanks everyone, including Lady Dragus and ltlredvett.

Here's the latest...

The woman whom I'm having an affair with offered me a way out, once again. She tells me that at anytime if I want out all I have to do is tell her and she'll understand. I feel relieved at this but at the same time I feel awful about it. I feel terrible about the whole thing. She really is a wonderful woman and she honours the truth. Had I have done this over again, I wouldn't have taken it as far as I have. If I continue on, it would only lead to disaster. Okay, so knowing that she honours the truth, I'm going to have to accept her offer of stepping out. I could have had her, but only if I was divorced and I said that I was divorced. There could have been a possibility that that wouldn't freak her out. Maybe not, maybe that's too unrealistic. My current marriage could still end, but not this way. Even if it is over now, there's no way that, for a lack of a better term and I hate using this :-(, "my mistress" would ever accept me. Never. I doubt I'll ever find someone like her again and that's probably what hurts the most. Yeah, I know she's only an internet girl. But so was the woman that I married.

Anyway, I already composed a letter to "my mistress" to the affect that I cannot sustain any kind of romantic relationship with her, stored in my draft folder to be read over, edited and will be sent out by Monday.

I'll be over it I hope and then I'll take the advice to see a therapist. I need to figure out if something in this marriage is making me unhappy or unsatisfied and go from there.

God help me get the strength to go through with this and let the healing process begin.

Once again, thanks for sharing your advice and personal stories and for not alienating me.

John....

You are doing the right thing. ending a marraige in the midst of an affair will in most cases lead to a disaster. I would suggest that you really give your marriage 100%. Talk over with your wife how you feel, be honest. You have nothing to risk at this point. Salvaging a marraige is better than jumping into a relationship with a misstress and then having that relationship end as well. It just isn't worth it. Takes guts to follow through with your plan.

Good luck.

Predictably...after calling it over, my wife calls me and says that she has found my Email correspondance and is (predictably) hopping mad. Since I've ended the affair, I could handle this with an open mind instead of feeling trapped.

So now begins the hard part.

Wish me luck!

Oh gosh John....good luck to you. Something good will come out of all of this and you have us here with you if you need us.
Take care


Heather

Something good has happened, actually.

Coming here and talking about it really saved me. If I would have continued, I would have definately felt trapped and it would have ended on bad terms.

There is hope though, thankfully.

I've been giving this a lot of thought, but is there an intervention service for cheaters? If not, there should be. You know, people you can contact if you are cheating and you know it's wrong. I think that could save a few marriages.

John......

As I shared with you that is a VERY courageous thing to have ended the affair. I say that because the easy way out would have been to continue as I am sure the affair was meeting some need that was not being met.

And, I think it is a good thing that your wife found out as painful as it may be. At least you don't have the guilt to burden you. And if your marriage was meant to be then this will be the ultimate test. It gives you a starting point from which to discuss the problems and issues in your marriage.

Having been married twice and in a few relationships after that I guess I have learned more than a little bit. Some may feel taht I am in no position to give advice, but despite my mistakes I really feel that I have learned along the way. The most important thing I learned is to be open and honest to your partner and to yourself. In my first marriage my wife probably was depressed. She was very manipulative and an emotional cripple. Instead of ending the manipulation I enabled it, allowed it to grow and fester to the point where I couldn't stand it and wanted out. My mistake... I wasn't honest or direct with her. Then, in my second marriage I was taken advantage of by someone that was not in love with me, but someone who was taking me for all she would get. I knew in my gut that something was wrong but I ignored those feelings frankly because she was younger, very attractive and physical intimacy was wonderful. My mistake... I was not honest with myself and didn't follow my head. Then, after that relationship I met the most wonderful woman. Unfortunately I met her at a time where I was battling pretty severe depression. I mismanaged that relationship very badly, as I think she did. Unfortunately my depression clouded everything. However, even with the depression there were issues that started when both of us "held back". I don't think that either of us were really open about problems, issues or concerns we had about the relationship. I screwed up a few times pushing her away because I thought she deserved better than to be with someone that was so screwed up due to depression. After that she held back and was not open to me. Our physical intimacy was never the same. She then felt that I was not attracted to her, pleased by her.... when in fact I was, I just wanted her to be open to me.

I think that relationhips later in life are very hard. Each party brings preconceived notions and ideas about the opposite sex, relationhips, they bring their hurt, pain, anquich, hang ups and insecurities. All this gets in the way of the thing that is most important... openess... communication as to what you want, need and desire from the relationship.

So talk things over with your wife openly and directly. Lay it ALL on the line. You have nothing to lose now. It will either salvage teh marrige, if it was meant to be. Or it will end it. But at least you know it ended with everything out in the open.

Good luck to you and congratulations on taking "the high road".