Which of these online activities do you consider to be infidelity or "cheating"?

This topic came to mind while posting on another thread, so I thought I'd see what others thought. Note: for those of you with open or poly relationships, please assume unless stated otherwise that you didn't agree with these activities ahead of time or participate in them yourself along with your partner. Here's the poll:

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I voted yes on all of them except the first one.

Who else gets to see the results except the person taking the poll?

I also ticked all of then cept the first one, I would be livid if hubby did any of the ones I ticked as I know he would be if I also did any of them !

i checked em all..........my wife is very aware of my cyber life.....now you know why were in couples therapy

Anyone can see the results - just click on the "show results" button on the poll box. You can also click "see map" and it'll plot the votes on a world map so you can see where people voted from.

You know what I find interesting? As of right now, Slightly more people think that having an online romantic relationship is infidelity than cybersex alone. In other words, more people call it cheating if it's an emotional affair (31%) rather than just a physical affair (29%). Although I ticked both myself, I think that's correct. I was much, much more hurt when I found out that my wife was putting a huge emotional investment into her online cyber-fling rather than our own relationship.

What do you think?

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gordian_knot said:
I was much, much more hurt when I found out that my wife was putting a huge emotional investment into her online cyber-fling rather than our own relationship.

What do you think?

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I understand where you are coming from and I feel the hurt / devastation you felt when your found out that you were second best to your spouses online activities. I have been there with my own husband and we have since worked the issues that pulled him there.... and IF you do not mind me saying (as I am a Christian) - I PRAY the same for YOU.

I personally feel that if one gives more to another than they are giving to their spouse then they are taking from them and risking death of the marriage (and) If one has to keep some thing a secret from their spouse them they need to question if the activity / person is safe - needs to be in their life.

well said....i wish i had more strength to stay off the internet when i feel the need to "act out"

For me, infidelity is when my husband has sex with another woman. That wasn't an option to vote for. I don't know what all he does online (beyond being addicted to pornography), but it is "infidelity" to me that he is screwing other women. I think I would be a lot less upset about the situation if I found out he only had an online correspondence rather than a physical relationship. That said, even without the infidelity, it was still very hurtful to me that he watched so much pornography. I wouldn't call that "infidelity" but it was hurtful.

i think the secrecy is the worst part. if my boyfriend was friends with a girl online but that girl was married, lived somewhere far away etc... or if i had access to what they were talking about id be fine with it. just like he knows he can ask to see anything of mine at any time.

but the second it becomes a secret - something is up. if hes not doing anything wrong, or thinking anything wrong, why would he hide it? and as far as sex goes - i think being intimate emotionally is worse than just straight up sex. i would much rather him get caught up in the moment physically than share his most intimate secrets with someone. just me though.

I checked none of them because I don't understand how you can define them as "cheating." They are %#@&amp;#! and hurtful and dishonest (especially the secretive ones), but I define "cheating" as when two people get together physicall and engage in some sort of sexual act-- not over the computer screen.

I agree with pinksoil. It has to be a physical relationship.

Some of these online T's have really dumbed down what is
cheating and what is not.

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pinksoil said:
I checked none of them because ...I define "cheating" as when two people get together physically and engage in some sort of sexual act-- not over the computer screen.

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That's one of the reasons I wanted to see to what degree, if at all, people consider online activities to be categorized as infidelity. In retrospect I should have added an option which said "I don't consider any of these to be cheating.".

I think it's fascinating to see how people's tolerances differ. Personally, there are circumstances in which I could see myself being less hurt by a sexual affair and much more devistated by an emotional affair. Here's my opinion: consider a married couple, and the wife commits emotionally to another man - which may or may not include real or online sex - rather than put effort and energy into trying to repair her relationship with her husband. That's a horrific betrayal that would hurt me much more than a casual sexual encounter and, if "infidelity" means "not being faithful", I would definitely call that cheating. I could see a relationship recovering from the latter; not so much from the former.

I'd also be curious to see how people's answers would change if I changed the poll question to: "Which of these online activities would be a betrayal serious enough to potentially end your relationship or marriage?"

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gordian_knot said:
"Which of these online activities would be a betrayal serious enough to potentially end your relationship or marriage?"

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I think that question makes a lot more sense. I believe that all of the things you listed are betrayals to a certain degree (with the exception of the 1st one)-- some more than others. In my opinion, some could be worked out; others are problems that are serious and could warrant the end of a relationship. Just because I don't define those as cheating doesn't mean that I would tolerate some of them.

yeah i like that question better too. i guess i just kind of assumed that thats what was meant with the first post. i still think the lying is the worst part.

consider this point...

when a man (myself) engages in "sexually acting out" by using internet pornography/phone sex/online affairs, he is really cheating
on his wife (like mine) because sexual addiction is not about
sex, but feelings of lonliness and isolation, trying to fill a void that my wife isnt fulfilling...therefore if im online
watching pornography and I could somehow be tranformed into
that movie/image/etc. ....do you think I would............yes

I have never had sex with anyone other than my wife but when I am
sexually acting out I am willing to "forget about my so called wife" in search of companionship and good feelings even if it is only
in cyber world....the thought process is there and if it could go to the next level you can bet it would happen..

i dont know if any of you remember but a few months ago i found porn on our computer. wasnt hidden or anything. totally easy to find - even the history was up showing it was there!

well that really really hurt. not because he looked but because he said he wouldnt and he did. exes have looked at porn but at least theyre up front about it.

it took a little bit but i realized that if he was doing this im not the victim per se. i must be doing something to make him feel this void. he said he didn't like it and didn't know why he was doing it. he had used porn as a teenager to substitute for real relationships. and when he felt depressed and like we were in a rut, he went back to it. so ive had to work on letting him know that i appreciate him.

in short, i believe that cheating is hardly ever just sex. and if someone has gone far enough to cheat, there are other problems in the relationship. internet is the same thing, just anonymous. its making them feel like theyre not doing something wrong because theyre not physically touching the other person. but both parties are responsible. so i still consider that cheating, but thats not to say that the person doing it is totally 100% to blame.

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salukigirl said:
in short, i believe that cheating is hardly ever just sex.

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I agree........ as cheating comes in many forms: emotional, sexual, visual and physical.

I went through two plus years of this very thing. My wife plays online games and it grew out of her feelings of depression and suicide. Althought I hated all that was shared between them, the blessing was that it kept my wife alive. She told me of how she had planned it out. Locking the bedroom door with a note on it to keep our daughter from finding her. But their friendship brought her out of it, only to push her into something else.
It caused me to do and respond in ways i never would have. Listening at the door when there were on the phone and reading her emails to and from him. I became jealousy with anger and rage that it scared even me. But I loved her and poured my love on her daily inspite of it all.
It wasn't until last year when I demanded a divorce that my wife began to do and respond differently. Like less time on her game, more time with the kids, cooking, reading a book, spending time with her family and me.
And though I may be criticized for "taking it" I did learn much about myself and I see it as another tool toward helping others.

I think all but 1 and 4. But 4 I look at as something different. I definitely do not think it is right. It is a betrayal for sure. Very sad if you feel more comfortable talking to a stranger or basically a stranger about your very private life but not your partner.
I would not mind my partner having friends on line of opposite sex, but if I was not told about them and found out! The big question would be why didn't I know!

I don't Talk on line like that >But I've been with my wife 23 years and and a girlfriend for 2 years who was bipolar like me .It was kind of a 3 way my wife had me and my girlfriend had the bipolar me the 3 of us would hang out and at that time it worked out well for the 3 of us .I wont go into sex because there was alot of that but the real was my bipolar got very bad and my wife had a very hard time dealing with and would pass me off to my girlfriend who just like me .But we are needed each at that time .girlfriend mom pass away and she need some to give a reason to live on as time went on we all kind of got better and its just me and my wife now in all my life I had only been with one person till 2 years ago so its not like i make a habit of this .

WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP WE WERE ON.

A woman messaged me on Facebook regarding my boyfriend (we are in a LDR he lives in the UK now). She had done an image search and said she had been chatting with him on a dating/social site and wanted to make sure he was a real person and wasn't married. She said that we she saw our "in a relationship status" that upset her because he led her to believe she was the only woman he was talking to. Once I replied, we started exchanging emails and she snipped the last few messaging sessions they had and I was floored! They were so sexually explicit I nearly vomited as I thought those were things he only told me. She then told me they had been Skyping/web cam and again I was so deeply hurt. It bothered me so much that finally, after weeks of contemplation, I confronted him. He deleted his profile right then and there and sent me a screenshot of his skype friends. So I gave him another chance and then anytime he would say he tried calling me or skyping me he felt the need to prove it by sending a snip of it to me. YES! cybersex is totally cheating!!! It is the ultimate in betrayal because you have no idea what they are sharing with the other people and how attached emotionally they become which always leads to physical infidelity.