[Jess Petty]

so as some of you may know. i have been kinda unofficially dating my room mate/ best friend since grade school for a short time now. im 19 and ive
been smoking since i was 14. she knew about it of course. we got done "doing it" this morning and i went out on the balcony for a cigarette
and she slides open the door and says "i wan't you to stop smoking" and i
look back at her and say "no." i didn't say it in a mean way. but i was pretty
upset because the way she addressed it sounded very judgmental and kinda
like she thought i was just going to stop because she wanted me to.

i picked her up from work and she leaned in to kiss me and i kinda dodged it
without thinking and said "careful i just had a cigarette." and the way i said
it was a little rude. as we were driving home she put her hand on my hand
when i went to shift gears and i pulled it away.

we're home now and she went to bed. her bed to be exact. every since
we've started having sex we've been sleeping in my bed. but not tonight
she came into my room and i was doing homework and she said "love you,
goodnight." and then turned around and went back to her room.

i hope this isn't as bad as im thinking it is.

i think she's staging a sex strike. jk

ok, maybe the way she said it wasn't so good but at least she told you that it's what she wants rather than barking "you really need to stop smoking" like an order. it's probably not good she's trying to change you already, but when you don't smoke it is hard dating someone who does. just talk to her and tell her what you said in your post. that it was a lot about how she said it and that it really is your decision and it's an addiction. do apologize for how you acted in the car. that was kinda harsh and she is probably hurt and feels a bit rejected. i'm sure you guys will be fine. she still told you she loves you. it sounds like she may be new at this relationship stuff from what you posted before so do cut her some slack. you may need to tell her that sleeping in her own bed when she's mad or hurt is not good though. it might be a good ground rule to not have either one of you do that when upset if you plan on living together as boyfriend/girlfriend. just talk to her. she loves you.

having said all that why not consider giving up smoking now? yes, it has to be your decision but it does affect her too.

[Jess Petty]

idk, it's all complicated.
she say's that i don't talk enough. but the thing is. the only reason i was so
open with her when she was just be Best friend was because "duh". she was
my ****ing best friend. now that she's my girlfriend i can't tell her about the
hot volleyball chick that stares at me every time i leave the campus library.
or how i tried cocain for the first time a few days ago. etc.
if i told her about the volleyball chick when she was my best friend she would
have told me to go for it. not something she would likely say as my girlfriend.
if i told her about the coke while she was my best friend she would most likely
have called me an idiot and punched me. but as my girlfriend i don't even know
what she would do. and all of these thoughts run through my head constantly
so when i am with her i seem distracted, because i am distracted. and i love
her and want this to work. but she put me on a pedestal every since i knew
her. and now that we are dating i don't want her to find out that im not
perfect. espeacially since im the guy she decided to lose her virginity to.
****.

Originally Posted by Jess Petty

idk, it's all complicated.
she say's that i don't talk enough. but the thing is. the only reason i was so
open with her when she was just be Best friend was because "duh". she was
my ****ing best friend. now that she's my girlfriend i can't tell her about the
hot volleyball chick that stares at me every time i leave the campus library.
or how i tried cocain for the first time a few days ago. etc.
if i told her about the volleyball chick when she was my best friend she would
have told me to go for it. not something she would likely say as my girlfriend.

lol, probably not. you know, one of the best things i've learned from hanging out on this site is that it helps to just communicate right where you're at. so yeah, you don't want to be telling her about the hot chicks that are staring at you but you could tell her that you're trying to figure out how this works now that you guys are dating and it's weird not to share everything with her like before when you were just best friends. actually, i think it'd be funny if you used the volleyball chick as an example, but if you don't think she'd find that funny then definitely don't say it.

you guys are going through a big change so if you feel a bit off-balance i think that's pretty normal. the fact that you share an apartment makes it even more intense. i think if you weren't a bit off-kilter it would be pretty surprising.

if i told her about the coke while she was my best friend she would most likely
have called me an idiot and punched me. but as my girlfriend i don't even know
what she would do.

i'm not sure what to tell you on this one. part of me says just be who you are and tell her but yeah she may not like it. i do think it's better to be honest though. i may be reaching here but does your doing the coke have anything to do with feeling a bit stressed about being in a relationship with her? you don't need to answer that here and i may be totally off on that. if that is the case though then maybe go work out or do something else instead. i know, you're in college and experimenting but just be careful, ok?

and all of these thoughts run through my head constantly
so when i am with her i seem distracted, because i am distracted. and i love
her and want this to work.

just tell her this stuff which is where you're at right now.

but she put me on a pedestal every since i knew
her. and now that we are dating i don't want her to find out that im not
perfect. espeacially since im the guy she decided to lose her virginity to.
****.

i understand what you're saying. even though she may very well have you on a pedestal right now she does know you're not perfect. she knows you smoke after all. seriously, she's known you for so long i'm sure she knows you're human even though she's crazy about you. she'll come down from the cloud she's on in time. enjoy it while it lasts, eh? i'm sure she wouldn't want you to be feeling stressed or pressured about all. i doubt she'd want you to be worried about what to talk about for fear of disappointing her. again, i think if you tell her all this you'll be able to see she's still your best friend too even though things are different now.

as for the virginity thing it is a big deal and it isn't. what i mean is it does sound like she loves you very much and is probably thrilled things have worked out between you and it does mean a lot that you are her first. but, sometimes i get the impression guys think this is even a bigger deal than it is for women. when i hear guys talk about being someone's first, including the first guy i slept with, i think they do exaggerate the importance of it even though it is important. they kind of act like we want to make a bronze cast of them and start bowing down. i mean, love is one thing but you guys aren't God or anything. sorry

you sound like a good guy jess. just keep talking to her. i bet she'll understand and is feeling some of the same feelings about not wanting to disappoint you too. just remember she is still your best friend even if it's a bit different now.

My take is someone is seeking validation for the guilt he feels. Someone is going to be hurt big time here.

If your so ashamed of telling her about the coke why take it ?

[VickiesPath]

Quote from Bloom3: you sound like a good guy jess. just keep talking to her. i bet she'll understand and is feeling some of the same feelings about not wanting to disappoint you too.

This is a two-way street and, other than subjects that might cause obvious jealousy issues (hot chicks) I wouldn't worry about appearing to be perfect. Oh, God, please don't be perfect! If you start withholding stuff from her, I guarantee she will resent that more than anything else about the decision to take your relationship to the next level. If she is half the person you are, she values your friendship over and above the romance. Whether or not she lost her virginity to you, over time she'll even value that, whether you remain together or not. Who better than her best friend?

how are things going jess? feel free to pm if this forum doesn't seem very hospitable.

[Jess Petty]

nah it's cool. the relationship just kind of dissolved on it's own.
i made it official this morning when she came into the kitchen for breakfast
and she didn't even look at me. i told her we should go back to being friends
and she just kinda started sobbing into her hands in front of the coffee pot.

we're both only 19, and still in college. neither of us need a live in
boyfriend/girlfriend. and us being friends since grade school makes it awkward.
but hopefully we can go back to being friends. or maybe something will
happen down the road. who knows?
i figure i'll wait at least a week before i talk to that volleyball chick.
god, this **** sucks.

[jerrymichele]

Did you break up with her because of the volleyball girl?

oh no jess. i think i just heard her heart splinter into a million little pieces. seriously, why not sit down with her and talk to her about all going on in your head? you just can't start a relationship and sleep with her and then bail on her a couple of weeks later. that is kinda heartless. i'm not trying to be mean here but you did pursue her. it is understandable that sharing a place is tough but maybe one of you could move out and find another roommate so things would be easier. you owe it to her to give this a real shot and not run away. change is stressful, even good change. you are supposed to be her best friend. if another guy did this to her how would you feel about him? please don't do this to your best friend.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by bloom3

oh no jess. i think i just heard her heart splinter into a million little pieces. seriously, why not sit down with her and talk to her about all going on in your head? you just can't start a relationship and sleep with her and then bail on her a couple of weeks later. that is kinda heartless. i'm not trying to be mean here but you did pursue her. it is understandable that sharing a place is tough but maybe one of you could move out and find another roommate so things would be easier. you owe it to her to give this a real shot and not run away. change is stressful, even good change. you are supposed to be her best friend. if another guy did this to her how would you feel about him? please don't do this to your best friend.

I agree with this. Jess, you really need to do the right thing here.

[Jess Petty]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

Did you break up with her because of the volleyball girl?

god no. that has nothing to do with it.

and bloom it's not like i pursued her so i could bone her. i just felt closer to
her when we were friends. i love her. idk, it's just different. im going to try
to talk to her in the morning. and just kind of see where it goes from there.

Originally Posted by Jess Petty

and bloom it's not like i pursued her so i could bone her. i just felt closer to
her when we were friends. i love her. idk, it's just different. im going to try
to talk to her in the morning. and just kind of see where it goes from there.

i didn't think you pursued her for the sex. what i meant is it would just be that much harder for her to break up because she loves you and slept with you. if she were just some random chick you met (like *ehem* volleyball girl), tried dating, slept with, and it didn't work out it wouldn't be a huge deal. regrettable, but certainly not breaking anyone's heart.

i think it's great that you're going to try to talk with her. i hope you guys can figure things out. you know, maybe you have her on a bit of a pedestal as well since you feel like you can't really talk to her as openly. i mean, of course there will be some things you won't talk about with her if you guys date, just like you wouldn't with anyone else you'd date, but maybe you think she is kind of perfect too and can't show her any of your weaknesses? i don't know, just a thought. i hope it goes well. my guy friend from college really hurt me and i didn't talk to him for a year. i hadn't thought of that in a really long time. poor guy, talk about getting the silent treatment, lol. we're still friends over 20 years later though.

how's it going jess? hope things are working out better for both of you.

[Jess Petty]

Originally Posted by bloom3

how's it going jess? hope things are working out better for both of you.

yea, it's cool. her birthday was on the 17th (bad timing for a break up i guess) so we went to dinner and talked quite a bit. we decided to give it
another try. i actually take comfort in knowing she's asleep in my bed right
now so when i get done with homework (in a few hours D: ) my bed will
already be pretty warm

very cool

[Jess Petty]

yea, it is cool. im actually thinking of asking her to come home with me to
eat thanksgiving with my family. the only problem is my mothers side of the
family is coming this year and they are. well, kinda snobby. i mean, really really
snobby. like "old money" snobby. if you have ever been to Belgium you might
have heard about their company.

http://www.materne.com/default/nl-be.aspx

it's not like im embarrassed or anything. because there is absolutely nothing
to be embarrassed about. she's beautiful, sweet, funny, and smart.
it's just, they can't help but be rude. rude to my mom, rude to my dad.
rude to me and my brothers. rude to everyone. i hardly know them because
they hardly ever come stateside. and ive never been to that part of Europe.
but the times i have had to see anyone from my mothers family have been
less than pleasant. but also because i never see them it would be unheard
of for me not to go home and greet them. and i don't want to make plans
for thanksgiving without Sam either because she might assume that i
don't want her to go because she would embarrass me.

im going to call my mom tomorrow to make sure witch members of her
family are coming. i still have a few days to decide what im going to do.

[jerrymichele]

Just explain to your gf how they are. Just give them hi and bye's and keep the conversation short. If their snobby as you say they are then it shouldn't be a problem.

oh no jess, you didn't grow up in my hometown did you? it was listed in a book called the official preppy handbook back in the day. *shudders*

i think jerry's advice is great. just give her a heads up and you guys can laugh about their behavior later. hopefully, they'll bring some good belgium chocolate for you.

btw, you sound totally smitten