What happened to my life?

I am pathetic!!

33 years old, and I have huge relationship problems.

Yeah, so does everyone else...right?

Sure, we all have some sort of relationship issues. The pathetic thing is my relationship issues are with my parents.

I do not date. I'm not actively looking for a partner. I dream about finding a soul mate some day, but I don't do anything to put myself out and around people so that I can meet them.

I guess I feel sad and hurt, and frustrated. When I was a teenager, I would dream of being 23 and in a relationship with someone who loved me. I dreamed I would be a mother, at least three times by now. This dream was what kept me going. It's what helped me survive the life I was stuck in growing up. Now....the person I am is nowhere near the person I thought or longed to be.

Instead, I am a shut in. I'll admit, I like being a shut in. I am safe from people and their harmful agendas. I do not have to crawl out on a limb with my stomach in knots, shaking like a leaf in order to trust someone, only to get my heart and my spirit broken. Yet at the same time....I am lonely. I get most of my caring from my animals. Their love is pure and non-judgmental. Every time I have crawled out on that limb...I fall and it hurts. Why can't I just feel safe crawling out? Why can't their just be a sturdy limb...instead of a flimsy one? And why can't their be someone there that will catch me if I fall? Not because they feel obliged to, but because they want to?

As it is....I am alienated from my Father, and his side of the family. He is "the perfect father" who never did anything wrong. Unless, of course, you consider physical, emotional, and sexual abuse wrong....then he should be in prison. The rest of the family sees perfection when they look at him and in there eyes, he can do no wrong.

Now....I am at the beginnings of the alienation of my mother and her side of the family. For my whole life...my Mother and I have been way to close to each other. We've had a very co-dependent relationship. I have been caught in this guilt spiral with her and am living a State away from where she lives now. I think this is a good thing because it gives me a chance to become my own person. But I am not doing that. I am hiding...and as much as I really want to come out, I am too scared of every one else out in the world.

The other day, on the phone with my Mother, she was laying on the guilt about how hard it was for her to deal with the symptoms of my disorders. WHAT? She talks with me maybe 2-3 times a week for 20 minutes at a time (at the most). She said she is having a difficult time coping with MY issues but that she has been doing her own research, soul searching, and therapy to help her deal with my issues.

So now...my issues have become my mothers? So much that she needs therapy to cope with MY issues?

So I ask her to share with me about the research she has done about my disorders and she said that she has done some reading. Wanting to make sure that she was getting accurate information, I asked what she had been reading and she said "books". I asked "what books?", and she said..."books!!". I said, "yes, I know...but which ones? I want to make sure you're getting accurate information.", and she stated "I'm not going to tell you which books I'm reading. I have to get information on my own." She was being such a snot. Next I asked her what kind of therapy she was doing to help her cope with MY issues and she said "personal therapy". I asked "what does that mean, personal therapy?", and she states "well, I guess that means it's personal."

She wouldn't share anything with me. As far as I'm concerned she hasn't made any attempt to try to understand my disorders or learn to cope with my symptoms. If she had or was, why wouldn't she be willing to share where she was getting her info. I told her that I just wanted to make sure she was getting good info and she said that it was up to her to decide which information was good.

Uuuggg....I hate my parents!! But I don't want to...and it hurts. Especially around the Holidays.

What I hate more is that I'm 33 and still hung up on my parents. What the hell happened to the life I dreamed of having? Was it really just another freakin' fairy tail I made up along the way to get me through?

I just feel like my life is pointless. Sorry for whining...I just needed to get that out.

Elysium! And NOT pathetic, by any stretch of the imagination. Relationships are in two directions and both sides have to do their parts to make it work, you know?

(Btw, I'm about to turn 47 and not anything like what I had hoped all those years ago. If it's any help, very few people are. Often even when they appear so. And relationship with my mother? Don't get me started. I live 3000 miles away and talk maybe every couple of years. And I dread it. It's not pathetic, it just is.)

And there are nice people out there. Really, there is. They may not always be easy to find, but they're out there.

Love my animals (and teddy bear!) too! They're good listeners.

And you're not whining. Sometimes we just have to get it out there.

((((((((((Elysium)))))))))) Think you could handle another viewpoint?
I have no idea how I'd like the person you expected/longed to be but I like you just fine. You don't suppose... your expectations suck or something?

You keep seeking out the flimsy limbs because that's where you have unfinished business?
You make a point of going where they ain't because that's where your unfinished business takes you?

But when you notice yourself moving away from that, you call it alienation?

Who says hiding can't be part of becoming your own person?
Geez! On top of all the other valuable services you provide, you're even giving your mom an excuse to get some therapy!
If she failed to make it sufficiently clear that her reading and therapy were entirely about your issues... someone might get the mistaken idea that she had issues too!
And going through this fascinating process of getting unhung, and sharing very generously and articulately with us about it. What's to hate about that?

I don't know, but while you're questing after it don't forget to stop and smell the roses.

My dearest Elysium,

I am going to share some things with you that I don't think I have shared here ....well, at least all in one posting. Please read them because I believe that we have a lot in common and what I have to say will make some sense to you.

I identify so much with what you are saying. I can tell you what I did that helped me recover and what didn't help me recover from my life of abuse, neglect and illness.

First, my parents were alcoholic. They neglected us kids emotionally. My mother was unable to show love. So, it was necessary for me to divorce myself from her at an early age (19) and leave the state. I had some contact with them occasionally but it took me years and years to realize that I was always trying, even 30 years later, to get their approval. It was a great relief when I said, to hell with them and released myself even that much further from their influence.

I spent a great part of my life working on myself, learning to undo the effects of the abuse and neglect I had suffered. Therapy, self-help, hospitalizations, outpatient group therapy, misdiagnosis of depression, finally correct diagnosis of bipolar II and finally, FINALLY realizing that I had bipolar disorder as a child and my mother had beat me and I had suffered PTSD all my life which made me distrust people and never able to form trusting, complete relationships with ANYONE even though I tried so many times. I was married three times before this came to light. My fourth and current husband is helping me work through this and we are growing closer with each step I make. He is a saint, putting up with all kinds of ****.

I recently took a self-esteem test. I scored very high on it. I thought, if I have such high self-esteem, why don't I have any friends? AHA! Intimacy issues! There's an invisible line that I let no one cross.

Every mental health professional I've talked to in the past ten years says to me, "you need to get out and meet people, make friends." I told them I didn't want to. I always used the fact that I was happy alone as an excuse. And I am. Also, I have a high IQ. I don't really know how to make small talk. But, the truth is, I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE. This is due to PTSD. I am afraid. I couldn't trust the one woman who was supposed to love and protect me. So I learned to not form any kind of trusting relationships.

I am wondering if this is true of you because of your father. Are you trying in vain to trust your mother instead and she simply is not trustworthy? Sounds like she doesn't want to trust YOU. She may be suffering, too. You might want to consider giving up trying to form a closer relationship with her. She may not allow it. She may be using YOUR illness as an excuse or focus for looking into why her own life is or was so miserable.

I think it will take some time, but you will eventually learn to create a new life for yourself. Toxic parents like yours are not healthy for you. It took me a lot longer than 33 years old to totally release my parents' influence and believe it or not, it even changed more after they died. So don't feel bad. It's really a hard thing. And don't wait as long as I did to trust people and create a full and wonderful life for yourself.

Elysium
I understand exactly.
I don't have any suggestions.
Still trying to figure out where my life went.
Thank God for the animals.

wow..im so happy i joined this site..i get a lot of insights especially from vickie...i can feel your pain too elysium..well i dont know much how to give advice..it seems like most people here are so full of wisdom..but i just want you to know that i know and understand how u feel...and to vickie,thank you very much..i benefited from your advice too..my father used to be an alcoholic (he's on therapy now)and my mom the doctor said has "mild psychosis"...well,it terribly hurts.and i long for the love of my parents..i long for someone i can lean on..someone stronger than me (and suppose to be,they're my parents) but it seems like i am the one who has to be strong for them..it's not easy.......seeing dad hit my mom,my brother and my sister (and he hit me too) when he was drunk..but when he's not,he's the perfect father..he used to be my hero..but alcohol slowly destroyed him and made him violent..i'm just glad that he agreed to have therapy and it's been almost a month since he started. my mom is under therapy too..sometimes im scared for myself...what if me too?