[Frenchie]

Hi all, I'm new at this forum that I find interesting and helpful!

I dont wanna write a book here, i just need to vent, to write what ails me off my chest.

I suffer form Depression, anxiety disorder and phobia. Maybe, even a bit of Bi-polarity
according to a psy I met 2 times to assest my CASE to my Doctor. I am on some medications because, last March, I have had my last piece of crap in the face from my
wife (and my descending carreer, money problems etc...) and I grew enraged, bitter to the extend that i was furious at everybody, at the world and, even, i was searching for any occasion for any guy, tall or bigger than me, no matter, to even look at me weird so I can smash his head splattered on the ground. or get myself in trouble with the law, so I can try to take a fews cops and then get beat up just to, i dunno, make troubles and finger the authorities and the system. (and piss of my wife at the same time)...

MY doc prescribed me some medications, and, in the course of a few months, with trial and errors, i finally stater to feel much better and doing well. not perfect, mind you, but better still!

Now, last week, my nagging and never satisfied angry face wife crossed the line another time but, this time, she crossed too far. since, I am SOOO angry, SOOO pissed at her, I dont see straight. At home, alone, I scream and curse about her, when she arrives from work, i cannot look or talked to her. I am SOOO angry. since last Wednesday, I started to have a new symptom, sitting still, my arms, shoulders moves incontrollably and sometimes my head do this no-no movements! its weird and I am thinking if its a early sigh of Parkinson OR a manifestation of my rage and my despair due to high stress and depression!

I am not myself, I mean, even last nite, I was contemplating hurting myself. I am a stupid coward I guess... but, for sure, its gonna be by smashing my head againts walls so i can get a good commotion and knock myself enough to become a vegetable if its whats needed to stop the pain, the discouragment and the crap.

It sucks, because, before the last wife crap attack, I was fine, not perfect, but fine. and, I dont think that it is the meds that stopped working, because, i mean, medicated or not, meds suppresses in part your depression but doesn,t create a total lobotomie,
so, even medicated, I can still REACT and have EMOTIONS, right?!

Well, as I write this, I am shaking again. I dont want to hurt her, nor my almost 2 years old little boy, I am not like that, but, I fear that to stop all this crap, its myself that I will have to hurt!

Thanks for your time and excuse the bad words, the bad wordings and
my stupidity! :-(

Frenchie

[SilverNeurotic]

You don't want your rage to escalate anymore...that is a good sign. And it's a good sign that you are recognizing that your rage is becoming out of control.

Since you are medications, perhaps changes have to be made with them. It could be you need a new medication altogether, or it may be as simple as a new dosage. It would be beneficial to get some kind of therapy-perhaps find someone who specializes in anger management? Or find an anger management class is there is one available.

Until you can either get counseling or see your doctor for a medication adjustment...it might be best to remove yourself from the situation. Is there a friend or family member you could stay with for a period? If not, when you feel like you are starting to lose it, leave the house and stay out until you are back into control.

[billieJ]

Dear Frenchie, I don't think you have Parkinsons - just an essential [no cause] or anxiety/anger tremor. Sounds like you do not let out your anger at your wife so that it builds and builds. You're right, antidepressants and other medication cannot combat the situations that aggravate us so and cannot work completely on their own, unless our living situation is ideal. Would wife be agreeable to counseling, or does she simply think she is right all the time. I think you would benefit from learning assertiveness before you become aggressive toward yourself or others. Either would cause you mounds of trouble - even more than you have now. Can you say, "Wife/name when you. . . . .I feel . . .because . . . ."? This is the least likely to elicit an argumentative response. And I agree, if you are about to lose it, it might be good to leave the house for awhile. Does your wife even know that her actions are causing you to feel this way? billieJ

[phoenix47baby]

Frenchie, the twitching movements you had can be caused by an antipsychotic. That sounds like what you went through. Check with your doctor on this. And the anger can be managed by counseling if you are willing to go. You don't want to subject a toddler to a rage. Good Luck.

[Frenchie]

Hi SilverNeurotic, I know exactly what you mean,, that is why I often go out, even very late to walk with no goal, just walking. but, I still feel miserable and desperate...

As for medicament, I take 3. before my last Wife Attack, believe me, I was doing very fine, no perfect, but, If you saw me last March, you would say it's black and white! so,
I dunno, could it be that my wife AND my current stressful and crappy life is the main problem of my depression even if, according to my doc, i have depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorders? I dont know anymore... :-(

As for anger menagement, its an option, but, will it really help if what I suspect is that I dont love my wife anymore? I still have affection and friendship for her, but, with the way she changed for the worse since the birth of my little boy, im not sure it will fix nothing! (Nothing except my anger problem, which would be a good thing, of course!)

Well, I wish I had friends or a place to go to let the steam go, but, unfortunatelly, the only places I have are: the malls (i can sit there sipping coffe on a bench until the closing time), the streets OR maybe the places where the homeless goes for shelter.
Or, I could go to the police station, slam one on the face and stay locked until wifey comes surely pissed pay to make me go out!.. :-) (attempt at humor here... or is it?)

I truly appreciate your concern in my problems and you suggestions. but, I will have to decide and make a move eventually, because, i refuse to live like this and I refuse to screw up my little boy's life in a relashionneship that is nasty and not good for him. I've been there as a kid and I dont want him to live that!

Thanks a lot my friend!

Frenchster

[Frenchie]

Hi SilverNeurotic

Say, I am not familiar with the way to reply to other members on this forum. could
you tell me if my answer was received on a personal note or else? I'm sorry that it doesn't
show on the thread for others to see....

An answer would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

DaFrench

[Frenchie]

Hi billieJ,

Yea, I guess I dont have Parkinson... I should not say that, but, sometimes I feel it
would not be a bad thing, because, frankly, I cherish my health, well, whats left of it,
but my drepression, anger and despair are pretty heavy!

Yes, I think too that the meds are not the perfect answer even if they help me a lot,ç
really cause, otherwise, It would be far worse. its pretty bad already...

You see, my wife is not a really nasty, mean person, and, she doesnt behave the way as she is always right, but, she has a mood problem. she also expect too much, she demands too much since, me, on the contrairy, i am a pretty lay-back guy and I let other live their lives and rarely demand anything (as long as it doesnt affect me too much).

and, having many problem issues (that goes along with the depression) I also suffer from a bad case of culpability and, one of the worse things to happen to me is when I think I am ok, when I think i am doing nothing wrong to nobody and that i am secure in that, my wife often comes with her usuall big face (meaning she is again pissed or unhappy) and, each time, it makes me go nuts! often, its something as stupid as
me practicing one of my hobby to ease my stress of work or long days knowing that I helped at my best doing the dishes, cleaning a bit, dressing the baby after the bath.

First, I often talked to my wife about what i dont like or what i dont feel good about.
after a while, i started talking but in a more agressive way because anything I told her before, well, i have the feeling that she heard but not listened. now, i dont speak at her and my anger grows.

these days, she knows i am ultra-angry, so, she lays low, but, she will come on strong again anytime soon, and, since not being a violent guy and even less a woman molester, I am affraid of myself... because, if i dont do nothing to her, i will do it to myself!

Sorry to be like this and thank you for your interest and suggestions!

I really appreciate!

[Frenchie]

Hi Phoenix47 ,

I will seriousely consider your advices my friend. it never happended to me
before... I suspect that I have depression for a long time without knowing it.
the same about being Bi-polar... but, for anxiety disorder, I have it since childhood and
i suffered cases or derealisation often....

i guess i was a masterpiece of mental problems in progress!

Thanks!

[Frenchie]

Hi there fellow forum friends,

Thanks a lot for your positives comments, support and advices. I truly
appreciate it!