[seeker1950]

I've always known I could come here for feedback, but I've been reluctant to do so regarding my daughter. Something...for some reason, I know not what, has made her distant from me. For those few of you who know me here, you know that she and her husband, twin boys age 7, recently moved to Turkmenistan. Though I was never a meddling or obsessive mother or grandmother, only visiting them a few times a year (three hours away)...the news that they were moving so far, to such a distant place, was very hard for me. Prior to their departure this past summer, they installed "skype" on the inlaw's computer so they could communicate via webcam. A few months ago, I wrote to her email, telling her how much I missed them, and could we communicate on skype. She called me, once, not on webcam, though it was a free call using skype. Her responses to my emails are brief and impersonal. I've sent several packages to them, to the tune of $1,000 (mostly shipping costs), I realize, in hopes of hearing from her. I've gotten polite "thank you's."
In trying to assess this, I've retraced the way she grew up with me and her dad. I was, indeed, very unhappy, though we never "fought," and I stayed with him till she left for college. She knew how unhappy I was, but I spent all my money on her...her clothes, her cars (even when she was married I gave her and her husband my car)...while her dad squirrelled his money into savings. She seems to have gravitated toward him more than me recently. He was, and is, an emotionally inept and distant person, incapable of meaningful interaction. I don't begrudge her the relationship with him, but I am at a loss as to why she is rejecting me. In all my emails to her, I sign, "love, Mom." She doesn't even sign her name, and I realize I would not hear from her at all if I didn't write.
Whine...whine...I know.
I am age 59, haven't "dated" for 5 years. Recently a man I've known for many years has expressed interest in me. I'm so devoid of interest in dating, but thinking maybe I should try to find an outside avenue to fulfillment.
OH, my...I've rambled too long.
Hoping to get some feedback.
Patty

[AuburnSunshine]

Patty ~

My heart goes out to you because I know the heartbreak you're going through. I also have an adult daughter and she, like yours, took the majority of my time and money for years and years. I never minded giving it because I loved her; now that we're going through such a difficult period and I need both from her she is (in my mind) being stingy and selfish. That she can be so cruel now is like a knife in my soul.

What your situation sounds like to me is that your daughter is getting negative input about you from other(s) for whatever reason(s). I say this because it has happened to my daughter and me. Others who do not understand the co-dependency that can result from a close mother-daughter relationship can become jealous of that bond...and then they set about trying to destroy it, first with snide remarks and on and on.

Your daughter is now totally segregated from you and immersed in a new culture surrounded by her in-laws and they, along with her husband, may be bombarding her with negativity about you. Doesn't make it right...and it certainly doesn't help you in going through the hurt that the situation is causing you...but it may be why she has withdrawn physically, mentally and emotionally from you.

The real pain comes from the fact that there is little or nothing you can do to fight it...to stop it...to heal it. I would bet my last dollar that if you stopped sending emails and gifts, etc., you'd get some kind of a nasty response...but you get barely there responses when you do. In other words, right now you're not going to win...just don't stop showing you care...because that will only give her and others fodder for why she is correct in treating you the way she is. (Whew...did that make sense?)

We're almost the same age and the one thing I would encourage you to do now is to get out and meet people...start dating even though you don't feel like it. You need a life of your own...you don't know when or if you'll be in hers again but having and enjoying your own passions can help you muddle through this morass. The more you have to do, the less time you'll have to sit around and ask yourself why, why, why. That's what I tend to do...and in reality that's never going to get me - or you - anywhere other than feeling sorry for ourselves.

Let me know if you'd like to talk further...but for a few changes your post could have been written by me.

And please, please let me know how you're doing. I'm so sad about my situation but know that I just have to keep on keeping on...

Peace and happiness ~

Melanie

[AAAAA]

(((Patty))) Could it possibly be as simple as she knows that you'll always be there for her and does not need to do anything but simply exist and you will love her unconditionally?

My cynical side says that you've bent over backward for her so much that she simply takes you for granted.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( Patty )))))))))))))))) (good to see you, I havent seen you around lately)

I think that best you can do is to keep sending your love, hopefully eventually she will get the message, that you care very much for her.
Getting out more really might be a good idea, maybe it will keep your mind off things. Sending you lots of warm hugs I am sorry that you are struggling with this.

[slewis234]

patty, i feel so bad for you because i see my mom and i in your situation. i went through a period of time in my early adult hood that i did not appreciate my mom for everything she had done for me. i am happy to say that we did finally work through things and lived a full life enjoying each other and her grandchildren. my only regret is that i didn't spend more time with her because she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in october of 2000 and she died january 8, 2001. it took her so fast and i remember it like it was yesterday. my pain is still just as vivid today as it was the day she left us. i had so much to make up for and didn't have the chance. that's why i hope your daughter will come to her senses and realize that life is too short to not be gracious and thankful for her mother.
you've been a good example for her and i hope that she will see the world in front of her. i pray for you and the healing of your spirit.
much love, shelley

I am a confrontational person so would find it hard not to email her asking her.

What is going on. Have I done something to upset you ? If I don't know then I can't fix it....

Hugs and love ..... mum

(((((((((((( Tishie ))))))))))))))

[jerrymichele]

I agree with Tishie. Ask her. She is your daughter. She might just open up to you. Big hugs to you.

[seeker1950]

Thank you all for your responses. You are ALL correct, and I have thought of the various reasons, scenarios you've mentioned. I think AAAA is right, though, I HAVE bent over backwards, giving unconditional love that is rejected. And, yes, as Tishie suggest, I have thought of writing to her asking why she has distanced herself, but I fear alienating her further...but, then, I wonder how much more alienated could she be other than to stop communicating altogether, which may be her choice. Up to this point, I have done as Gimme has suggested, continuing to send love, because I DO love them all....sending expensive packages in hopes of receiving a reply, which then comes in the form of a polite, impersonal response.
Experience and age does give us some perspective, doesn't it? In my lifelong experience with rejection at the hands of loved ones, to whom I've given more than was appropriate, I've continued to pursue contact, realizing, in hindsight, that I should have ceased to behave in such a way. Silence, and self-care would have been a wiser choice. I think it is so also with my daughter, sadly. Rather than sending expensive packages, sending emails which I perceive to be a nuisance to her, perhaps I should just cease. If she chooses to contact me, then fine. On that note, asking her, confronting her, as to why she is alienated from me, would be further compromise of myself, as there really is NO reason for this behavior on her part.
The consolation I have in all of this, is the knowledge that she is happy with her life. She is happy in her marriage, and she and her husband are excellent parents. I do not need to worry about her welfare. Auburnsunshine has commented on the influence of "others," and this thought has occurred to me also, though there is no reason for it. I don't know.
I thank you all for your feedback...all wise and caring, which is what you find here on PC.
Much love and thanks,
Patty

i am an adult of very controlling parents so maybe this will give you a bit of a different perspective as i've reacted somewhat similarly to your daughter. i would definitely cease all the expensive presents. i hate to say this but it sounds a bit as if you are trying to buy her love. she may feel like you are trying to obligate her into a relationship with her by giving these expensive gifts. instead, i think it'd be great if you started a conversation with her and asked her if something is bothering her about your relationship. my mom can be a real smother mother and it drives me crazy. she has never tried to talk to me about our relationship. ever. it's sad. rather than being direct and talking about things she will do things to try to force me (passive aggressively of course) to have interaction with her. it is extremely difficult for me to ever say no to my mom because she has such a hard time tolerating it and gives me guilt trips as a result. so, i distance. not physically but emotionally. her guilt trips have really set me up for a lot of dysfunctional behavior i'm now trying to unlearn and it isn't fun and i'm not young either. when a child doesn't have the freedom to express their displeasure to a parent's wishes it really messes things up. i don't know if any of this applies to your relationship with your daughter but it just might. i would not assume there is no problem. i hope you will talk to her. i don't know if your daughter has any struggles with depression but if she does than that is a good indicator she may be angry about something.

[seeker1950]

Thank you, Bloom, for you honest reply. You have given me a lot to think about. I do know mothers who are controlling, and it is bewildering to see this. I work with one woman who micro-manages every aspect of her grown daughters' lives, and over the years have known others. I'm not like that, and I would say my daughter is and always has been a "free spirit." I do agree with you about my sending the gifts. I readily acknowledge this is my way of keeping in touch with her and the twin boys. Several of these shipments have actually been things she said she needed and couldn't get over there. Regarding depression, she and I both take antidepressants...for similar traits, and I'm mindful of that in giving her space.
Over the years, I've observed mothers whose lives have been all enmeshed in those of their daughters, to find themselves empty and alone when the daughter goes off making her own life. I always thought, "I'll never be like that!" and here I am behaving the same way! I've refrained from meeting people, joining social circles, or even going out with friends. It's my own fault, and I realize I need to make some changes. It has just been too easy to isolate myself.
Thanks again,
Patty

[AAAAA]

For some reason this reminds me of a girl I went to HS with. To this day her mother washes her laundry, presses the clothes, and puts them together in outfits for this woman and her family. Her mother also does the grocery shopping and prepares meals for this married 44yo woman and her family. Now, it's not like her parents live right next door, they live 2 hours from each other. But every Sunday mom and dad make the trip to deliver the next week's meals and laundry.

I was absolutely flabbergasted to discover that mom is STILL doing all of this. Of course in my shock I made an inappropriate comment to which she replied "we're Italian, you wouldn't understand." You see, this woman was annoyed that her mother was running late with the delivery and was verbalizing this. I was so stunned at the utter lack of appreciation. She just took it all for granted.