Boyfriend too attached to the past?

My BF of one year and I work together in his medium-size business. It is the best job, but I think it is ruining our relationship. I have to use his computer email & calendar daily. In the beginning it had all those old phone numbers and dates with girls in it, etc. He has had a lot of girlfriends (he's divorced 12 years) and I don't like seeing their names (and at first their old messages - he finally went in and removed those after I said something).

He also has tried to show me pictures of his kids in the past, etc, but there would be these other girls in them and I just didn't like it and told him I would rather not see them. He says I shouldn't be jealous, that everyone has exes and they are just pictures. But it seems like he was being very insensitive. After all, I was his girlfriend before we decided to work together. You would think he would have tried to shield me somewhat from some of this stuff. I admit I may be too sensitive about some of these issues. The problem is I am unsure of when I am being too sensitive and when I should let things go.

Up until last week he still had his and his ex-wifes' plaque they got when they were first married hanging beside his front door (you know those ones that say House of -------, founded -----). He had mentioned that it was "time to take it down" and so I asked him, NICELY, to do so and he got mad and said why does this stuff upset me and then he said he never wanted to see it again and threw it and broke it! I am wondering why he got so mad. What is going on? He says I am trying to "erase his life".

The next day he told me that he left the plaque up to stick it to his ex, and that removing it made him think a lot of bad thoughts and he was up all night crying and thinking about everything. He has since removed a lot of the old stuff and is doing his part to make me feel more at home. He came to a Christmas party at my house and met my entire family!

I know I need to do my part and extend trust to him. But now it is harder than ever. Now he says he walks on eggs around me and I feel like I never know when the next painful surprise is going to occur.

We are in our 40s, we both have baggage, kids and trust issues. Is this worth the trouble? Will getting a different job help? I am so tired of feeling upset.

It is not worth the trouble if you cannot reach an accommodation. He is not to keep pictures of his children? My, my.

I have not every been married, so maybe I'm not qualified to answer. BUT

It seems like your husband may still be attached to the way his life was when he was married or living with his children. Not necessarily attached to his ex still, but his life.(?)
Has he been in counseling to deal with the changes in the life over the past 12 years? That might help him 'move on' or decide if he's even ready to or not.
I can't tell you if it's worth the trouble, because I don't know about the rest of your relationship. Only you know if this problem is overtaking the rest of your time with him. So you live together and you've only been together 1 year? How soon did you move in after you started dating? This could be stressing him out, or making him remember and cling to his married life before. Or not, I'm no expert.

Don't know if that helped at all, but let me just encourage you to stay strong!
*hugs*

Yeah I was also confused--what kind of relationship do you have with his children if you refuse to look at pictures of them?

he keeps pictures of his kids? even the ones with OTHER WOMEN in them? I
wonder why he doesn't just forget everything about his old life and just focus
on you. that's pretty strange to me.

I did not say he could not keep anything, in any form. I just said I would rather not look thru picture after picture of his ex girlfriends, whether his kids are in them or not. I think it is kind of weird to keep his marriage plaque up after 12 years.

Thanks Tamale. We do not live together. I have a great relationship with his kids! We like each other a lot. They tell everybody I am their stepmom. I never refused to look at anything! I just said after the 10th picture that I had had enough of the ex and could we look at another series?

His kids and I like each other. They even tell people I am their stepmom! It was just a lot of ex pics - like 10 in a row - I just asked to move on to the next set. I never refused to look at anything! I also never said he couldn't keep anything. I keep pics of my ex and kids but I'm not going to sit my new BF down and show him picture after picture of my ex husband. I just don't think it's nice. Thanks for the encouragement, Tamale.

Hi,
I have every sympathy to you and what you are going through. I sense that the above posters (sorry...) been a bit judgmental with you and a little unkind...

I understood that you meant it was difficult for you to watch the exes in the pics with his kids. I think that fact that its not just exes, its exes whose pic was taken with the kids - makes it harder. I understand that emotion. But remember - he is with you now. He chose to be with you. Of course - this does not mean you need to look at pics with the exes. It his life. His past. He does not need to poster them for you...

The marriage plaque I think means that he found it hard to let go of his past. He is dealing with it now though - right?!

My BF has been married for 7 years. He had 2 daughters when he divorced. 2 years later we met. He still had a family (incl ex) board of pics on his wall. I found that strange but I could some how understand that too. He had 2 little girls and the change of their mum moving out of the house was huge so he wanted to make it easier for them. And for himself. Of course - after we dated 6 months we took it off and to this day I do not know where it is. And I do not care much.

I am guessing your boyfriend has difficulty with change. Also - he may found letting go of his life style and status quite hard. No so much the difficulty of letting go of his wife. Aso - he may still feel guilty for the relationship ending and the impact it had on his family. This is why the anger is there and the difficulty. So - yes he is attached to his past.

I think if you care about him give it time. But not too much time. See how things develop and if he grows closer to you. I would also get closer to his kids. They are apart of him. Do not forget your needs in the process and communicate openly to him about this.

About the work situation - Its hard to work in the same place as your bf. If you want this to lead somewhere I would look for another job but this is me. If you move or not - the idea is to put some sort of a divide between you and him and your life together if you know what I mean?

I can tell you - that my boyfriend and I have been over 6 years together and live together. His ex used to run his life when we met on many accounts and now she is dismissed on the spot if she even tries. This took a lot of work and boundaries setting from both of us and working on this together. Take baby steps and make your attachment to each other stronger. Work on your relationship with him and with his kids. Be kind and accepting. Not judgmental. And do things that make you feel good. See your friends, have a night to yourself, go the gym, etc...

If you both love and care for each other - it is worth the effort and I guess you have to know yourself how deep this is...

Hope this helps a little? xx

Bless you Tatyana, and Tamale. I am not some mean psycho! I am close with his kids, and I never refused to look at pictures of them! He says they are crazy about me and that I have made a huge difference in their behavior. They used to fight like cats and dogs and now there are boundaries in the house and no more hitting. we just went thru a wonderful Xmas day all together with my son also. I am divorced too, I understand the need for reminders in the household. That plaque was a very sentimental thing and I did not understand after the amount of time gone by. I do care for him and his kids very much, that's why I am so worried about these things. These exes still try to contact him and are one by one being told he is taken. I know he is trying. Tatyana, your story is very similar and is inspiring to me. Thank you for the kind words. (hugs)

You are very welcome! Glad could offer some support.

Yes, it is similar. However, I did not have to deal with exES. 'Only' with 1 ex (who could be compared to 100...). She is self obsessed. She used to even try to tell me how to behave with my BF and in her own way (manipulative) encouraging me to leave him. Then I figured out what she was doing (I remember one day her phone calls to his house got obsessive with 5 calls to his kid when she saw the kid that day, and then I picked up the phone while we were having dinner and it was her again. I just said 'again?' and she started shouting at me 'you are not letting me talk to my kid etc etc'. I told her that she is being rediculous and I do but she is calling us 5 times in one day... I passed her to the kid. My bf then called her and had a go at her in talking to me like that and poisoning the kids against me. She likes - sorry - loves - drama...) Anyway - around that time or just before that incident - I set some boundaries around her and she did not like it. I have nothing to do with her now. She hates me for not letting her come into my house (we live together now) and for not letting her telephone here (only his mobile). She brain washes the kids and tells them (they told me that this is what she says) that I am stupid and pathetic. I know she is angry because I do not let her have it her own way. To control him, me and the kids. I feel sorry for her.

Having said that - without my bf being very persistent and strong about this - it could have never worked. So your bf should elliminate all those exes out of his life. You are two and should not be room for anyone else but his kids.

I know you give them a lot and care. That is something to cherish! Its great they love you back xxxx