 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Dec 09, 2009, 04:33 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
So, for some time, I haven't really been the happiest in my current relationship, which is also my marriage. Actually, quite the opposite for a majority of the time. There's always been something that I felt was lacking, some thing wasn't there. I've told him quite a few times that I've been more unhappy since we've been together than I've ever been in my life. It sounds exaggerated, but it really isn't. I've been more consistently depressed-feeling in our relationship than I ever have before we were together. Granted, in the beginning was pretty good, however, a lot of that was because there was a decent amount of sex involved. However, it's gone to a complete feeling of isolation. The worse part was that I had no idea how to describe what was going on in a way in which he would understand, or just for the fact that I had no idea what was going on. It's hard to fix a problem if you don't know what the problem is. As of lately, I've completely emotionally distressed to the point where I felt rather pessimistic about the whole relationship and marriage. I want to make it work soo bad, if not for anything else, but for our daughter. However, I don't want to stay in the marriage if I'm just going to be completely miserable, which I'm getting to the point of feeling. I need to think of what's best for my daughter, and I definitely don't want her to grow up thinking that it's okay to be very unhappy in a marriage, I don't want her to develop that sense of being, because, quite simply, it's not okay.
I realized last night the problem existing is the fact that we don't have any "emotional intimacy", and it's making me crazy. He has also said that he doesn't believe in the romantic type of love anymore (because of a situation in his past where he loved a girl, but let her go because her aspirations were quite unmatched with his lack of aspirations at the time, as well as the fact that he's been in numerous relationships where they resulted in the girl cheating on him in a good percentage of those relationships). So, his ability to trust has become almost non-existent. I also developed a theory out of that as well. When he was eight, his dad died of an overdose on heroin (he doesn't have any drug problems himself). His mom got arrested not too long after his dad died, for drugs, which she hadn't got arrested in the past. However, because of her arrest, and then time in rehab, he has been shipped around from family member to family member, as well as placed in foster care. He also has yet to come to terms with his dad dying. So, my theory is that because he hasn't really coped with his dad dieing, he's developed defense mechanisms where emotion and empathy is almost non-existent. He thinks of everything in a completely logic manner in which emotions aren't really factored into the equations. I've talked to him about the whole emotions aspect, and every time he says that emotions just get in the way of competent decision making. I've gone through a lot of emotionally distressing things, many times because of the whole lack of emotions thing, and every time I talk to him about it, (1) he tries to think of a way to try to 'solve' it, as opposed to being empathetic and (2) when there is seemingly a solution, it turns out to become, more or less, 'I'll get to when I get to it', which never ends up happening. It's just become so frustrating, giving everything you have mentally and emotionally, only to have none of those feelings similarly shared. There has never been any type of romantic love, no small things, gestures, feelings, or anything that would be related. It's as if we never got past the friend stage. He says he loves me, and I'm certain that he does, however, not the same type of love that I have for him. I don't want to make excuses for it, but I honestly believe that not fully coming to terms with his father dieing is playing a key role in this. I wanted to know what you guys think. Is it possible, or am I wasting my time? I'm not trying to change him, only he can do so, but I also think that him not coming to terms with his father's death has caused some decent mental after affects. I just really, really need to figure out what's going on, because I really can't handle too much more of this, mentally. I'm trying soo hard to make this work, but nothing seems to be making any progress with anything. Thoughts, opinions? I want to see every perspective of this before I go jumping the gun on this. Thank you guys for your time.  |
|
#2
Dec 09, 2009, 05:30 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
But reflecting back on everything, I feel that I shoud've tried to talk to him. I should have told him how he made me feel and tried to work things out. If he doesn't listen or doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are going then you can make any decisions from there. I know it must be hard for you, especially because you have a daughter involved, but I think that staying in the relationship will eventually hinder her too. I wish you best of luck. Keep posting and let us know how it goes. |
 RoxanneMurphy
|
|
#3
Dec 09, 2009, 05:47 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Roxanne, I'm not a guy, so I won't chime in with my opinion. I'll just ask if you have considered seeing a family therapist for help with your relationship issues? Either individually or with your husband? Best of luck.
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
| RoxanneMurphy
|
|
#4
Dec 09, 2009, 06:27 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
|
|
#5
Dec 09, 2009, 08:57 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Hi Roxanne,
I will give you my male POV. I can relate to your husband when he would try to "fix" things or find a solution to your problems when you shared with him. Thats what we men do, we want to fix things, when sometimes all you want is someone to listen to you. If thats what you need, tell him. No one can read your mind. Does he know what love looks like to you? have you told him? do you know what love looks like to him? Do each of you know what each others emotional needs are? if not, find out. I am sure that his childhood plays a role in him being afraid of emotional intimacy. Seek a therapist or maybe a support group in your area. Marriage counseling can and does work provided you can find a good one. My marriage was in a bad place, but its getting better. Communication, honest communication is key. Good luck. |
| RoxanneMurphy
|
|
#6
Dec 09, 2009, 11:58 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Thank you both sunrise888 and jenkins09. Both responses were helpful and appreciated.
sunrise888: First of all, thank you for you wishes. I am fortunate enough in the fact that he isn't the type to be secretive about anything. I mean, I'm free to log into his E-Mail account, as well as his MySpace account. It's not even the fact that I would want to, it's more that he's very open about things that are going on. His theory of logic about that is that he doesn't have anything to hide, so it doesn't really matter to him if I do or don't. Not to mention that if he plans on going somewhere, say to a friend's house after work, he will call me to let me know what he plans on doing. There isn't really a trust issue, but more of a jealousy issue. I can completely understand the jealousy aspect for a few reasons. (1) I, myself, am a jealous person, so I understand why the jealousy can be there, even if our reasons for being jealous people are different, and (2) the fact that a good majority, borderline most, of his relationships have ended because the girl has cheated on him. There has only been one time that he has ever cheated on someone. I believe that it also ties in with an insecurity issue, for a few reasons. (1) The biggest one being that of his past relationships, (2) he has always been generally insecure about himself, stemming from the fact that he was overweight when he was somewhat younger, and (3) I generally believe that it's also because he doesn't want to loose me. The thing that bugs me about his jealousy is that he is primarily focus on the aspect of me physically cheating (cheating just for the sex, one-night stand type of thing). However, I am not physically attracted to any guy, other than him (which is his main concern). The thing is that he doesn't seem to be too concerned about the possibility of me cheating because I'm seeking an emotional connection with someone as opposed to a physical one. I could honestly care less about being physically attracted to someone else, basically meaning that it's just not something that's really going to happen. Not to mention that, for me, cheating for the sake of having sex with someone that I find solely physically attractive just seems completely pointless. Do that so I can absolutely ruin everything that I do have for sex with someone just for the sake of lust? No thanks. I can currently get that anytime that I wish from my husband. It just seems pointless, not to mention, too much work. His focus of worry in regards to cheating is the opposite of what would more likely happen. If I was to ever cheat, it would be because of some type of emotional aspect. Having our daughter in the picture, as opposed to not having a child, makes this whole thing difficult. If it wasn't for her, then I believe that this situation wouldn't have happened. I'm trying every possible thing that I can before 'throwing in the towel'. I'm not ready to give up, because he also has many good characteristics to offer. At the same time, if something doesn't change, somehow, then there's really no point. I really don't want her to grow up, and entering dating and relationships, with such low expectations of how a relationship 'should' be by observation. I cannot not imagine giving her the perspective to where she would be placed in the same situation, possibly an even worse one, than I am at now. I refuse to let that happen. I'm just fortunate enough where she's young enough and where encountering this problem (and it's starting to come to a head where something has to give) where if things don't improve, the chances of effect are going to be much lower than say if this didn't come to a head for another ten years or so. I've learned that I can't, and won't, be stuck in a relationship that I feel is unsatisfying. I feel that I'm too young to allow that to happen, especially now having a daughter. jenkins09: I want to especially thank you for your response simply because of the male factor. Comparing a somewhat similar situation helps me to analyze our situation better. As soon as I can, I'm going to find out what marriage counseling option are available. As I responded to sunrise, finding a marriage counselor in our area is pretty near impossible for the fact that there is a limited amount of marriage specific counselors (counting ones that specify in more than just marriage counseling), and they are usually booked/not taking new patients for at least a year in most cases. We also lacks the means to be able to travel to go see one in different area of location (meaning anything further than a few towns away, depending on the distance between each town). However, what I was planning on doing is, when I have my next therapy appointment, which is Friday (and also if weather permits [super snow storm as I type]), having him join me on my session, and asking my therapist what she thinks about the whole situation (as much as we can get in within an hour), and possibly find and get a reference for a marriage counselor (the insurance we have mandates referrals for any type of special situation, such as seeing a marriage counselor, in order to have it paid for). To Both: I have had many talks with him in regards to expressing the many things that I feel are problems, for one reason or another (for example, the whole cheating aspect and why I feel that the type of cheating that he worries about shouldn't be, and should be the whole emotional aspect of the reasoning of cheating if he feels it's necessary to worry about cheating). I've talked to him many times about what I want a relationship to be, as well as what I want in a relationship. He claims that my ideas are unreasonable and unrealistic, and then dismisses it. I will admit that some aspects of what I want are absolutely ridiculous, and I honestly wouldn't really expect those things, but I would very much settle for a much simpler, completely achievable version, which he is also aware of. Everything that I feel is a problem (all the ones stated in this thread, as well as many others not mentioned), I have discussed with him at least once, with a majority of them multiple times. It feels more times than not, that I'm talking to a wall. The only thing that one can assume is that maybe I'm just not explaining things right. However, that can be debunked in the fact that I always ask him if he understands what I mean, and he almost always says that he does (and when he doesn't, I try to either explain it better or provide examples, and he usually says that he gets it after just one re-explanation), but yet, it still doesn't seem to sink in. We're both fully aware of various types of problems and what not, and make a point of telling him when a new problem arises because there used to be a pretty decently bad communication issue (because he is much more a verbal person, and I've always been much more of a written word person, but I've gotten better at verbalizing issues, wants, and needs). I just really need to find out what is going on, what's the real problem of all this emotional distress to myself. The only thing that I can think of is his childhood past. I'm not trying to say that all the problems with our relationship is solely because of him, because it absolutely isn't. However, the problem that's taking the biggest toll on our relationship, as well as my mental well-being, is seemingly his emotional brick wall. I also believe that this isn't something that can be resolved with trying to fix little specifics. I feel this is something that in order solve it, or at least somewhat improve it, is to address the real root of the issue. I'm not trying to change him into some little, perfect trophy husband. I just need someone that I feel is emotionally available to me, so that things don't feel so one-sided and lonely. |
|
#7
Dec 10, 2009, 10:07 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Hi, I wish we could talk face to face. There is a lot I could say and I am sure you too. I can relate to many things you wrote on different levels. My boyfriend's mum died when he was young and though he stayed with his dad, he had to cope with a mentally unstable and jealous step mother who to this day cannot show affection or praise him. His ex wife then cheated on him and he was left very hurt. So he has too, trust and intimacy issues. He loves me very much but finds commitment hard (though he is very commited emotionally and sexualy). We have had ups and down and grew closer over the years. His ability for empathy has grown as well as his communication ability. But that took hard work and willingness from both of us and still there is work to be done.
The best advice I can give you, knowing that every situation is different, is look within. Stop all the thoughts of analysing him. Thinking about his childhood. His problems. His issues and his behaviour. Focus on you. Your emotional well being, your priorities, your values, your needs and your daughter. Personally, I would show him what you wrote on here (maybe in a form of a letter), as I feel it is very powerful. Maybe also - when he has time to read on his own he can take things in better. I would stop blaming him. He cant do what he cant do. This is him. All you can do is tell him what you need and how you feel (in a non excusatory way). If he talks about HIS fears of you cheating - just say that this is his own paranoia and that you love him. I would not go into discussions... Its not rational thinking - is it... I hope this helps a little. And a good marriage counsellor can help a lot in terms of healthy communication, trust and empathy. I wish you all the very very best and I hope it works out!!! xx |
| RoxanneMurphy
|
|
#8
Dec 10, 2009, 03:53 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Tatyana:
I just want to thank you for you reply, first of all, because it really did make me think of some things a little differently (which is something that I wanted, and quite frankly feel that it's necessary in this situation). His situation is indeed similar to an extent. His father was a very caring person to him, which is one of the few things that he remembers about his father. His father when he was eight from an overdose when they were both shooting heroin while he was at school. There are a lot of unresolved issues from this. He has, and still does, somewhat blame his mother for his father dieing for the fact that they were shooting the same batch, but the reason why he still somewhat blames her is that every time he has asked her, or that is come up, about his dad dieing, or how he died, apparently the story changes somewhat, usually in the small details. A short time after his death (I'm unsure of the specific timing, but it I know that it was within a year), she had gotten arrested on heroin charges and had to do a stint in rehab. He then was placed with relatives, which he end up being placed with a quite a few of them of that time span, as well as in foster care and foster homes. She did eventually get custody of him back. It got to the point that he disliked her enough where he had someone try to kill her. It was a mess apparently, and only about other people (including myself) know what happened to her. It's believed by everyone else that she fell and did it to herself. Things are still really tense between him and her, although she's not really aware of the tension. Like I said, there are a lot of unresolved issues in a lot of ways. Everything above is what he's told me himself. All of those things were actually told to me within our first six months of seeing each other. We were very open with each other about what's happened in our past. I know that he loves me very, very much, and hes is excellent with our daughter. One of the bigger concerns with this whole situation is because of our daughter. Of course there's the aspect of her observation and what not, but what I'm more concerned about is when she gets older, will he be able to emotionally support her, and not just think through logic? As for the analyzing, that is a very difficult thing for me to avoid. I'm a very analytical person (psychology major, anyone?). I also realized, as I've told him, that it's isn't all me. I have my own problems (and they tend to be plenty) that I need to deal with as well. As far as showing him what is here, particularly in letter form, is that we've already gone through that whole sing and dance. I used to write a lot of things to him in letter form. To him, letter/written form isn't nearly effective, or impacting as verbal. I used to be a big person on writing to him, but it got to the point where I realized with him, written form is in a way pointless. I am able to explain thing better when I take the time to think about things and write it out. Because of certain things, I have a hard time verbalizing thoughts when I have to speak because I don't have the chance to take the time to think about the way to explain them where they come out the way that I'm thinking them. It's like a road block, in a way. However, I've figured out why I have that problem, and since then, with help, I've improve greatly with the whole thought to speech process. I had actually talked to him about my whole theory, and what he thought of it, before I had posted this. I wanted to see other people's opinion on everything, because a lot of times, a third-party perspective is very useful. After thinking about this post, as well as the others (thank you again guys), I've been thinking of ways to go about things to improve them. I came up with an idea today, as a start, at least. I told him that what we should do is both to make two lists. One consisting of things that we would like to change about ourselves (such as our own personality traits and things like that. Believe me, there are many things that I would like to change about myself, and I know he has some himself). The second list is to be things that bother us about each other that we would like to be different. After wards, what I want to do is to sit down and go through each others' lists and discuss what we think of each thing, and whether or not those things are something that we'd each be willing to change. Jenkins09 made me think of doing this, because he has a very good point. Just because I think that we know what each other wants and expects doesn't mean that we really do. I'm almost certain that it's the opposite. This way, I believe we can get a much better, more complete, idea of what each other expects from one another and in our relationship. After I ran the idea by him, he was a little apprehensive. He feels that this idea might backfire in the sense that we're going to get angry at each other for what we have to say. Like I told him though, these things need to be know, especially those angry things, those things that we probably don't want to hear. They need to be said, or else resentment will eventually build up. He also said that he's a rather laid-back type of person, which he is, and he tends to let a lot of things go. However, little things build up, and eventually become big things. I hope that this helps. I'm optimistic. I need to be. |
|
#9
Dec 10, 2009, 05:21 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Hi, Your last post gave a bit more info about where you are with this. I am glad my post made you think, after all - this is what this is about...
I love your idea about the 2 lists. I would probably add another list: Things that you like about the other person and do not want to change. I think there is a great value in having that too. From what you wrote it sounds like he has an anger issue and an issue with conflict resolution. Therapy can help with that too. Therapy can also ease things for you so you do not have to be the therapist in the relationship, and take an equal stand, if you know what I mean. His history sounds very complicated and sad. I am worried about what you wrote about him and his mother. Did you say he tried to kill her? If that is the case, how do you feel about that and how are you coping with that? You are a mother, so you know what it means to be one for a child. It must be tough to know this is how your husband feels about his mother... How long have you been married by the way? |
|
#10
Dec 15, 2009, 07:39 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
I quoted Tatyana because I liked what she had to say in that instance. I am posting in your thread because I could be your husband's twin. In my humble opinion, your husband is suffering PTSD. I'm sure I do not have to spell out the definition of PTSD for you but it has to do with prolonged exposure to traumatic events that are unnatural for the average human experience and result in emotional damage including........etc. Add to that the fact that he was a child at the time. Consider the damage. I have PTSD. It comes from being raised by alcoholic parents. When you have parents who abuse drugs or alcohol, it impacts the child and creates a syndrome identical to PTSD. It makes it impossible to trust because you can't trust the people who are supposed to be taking care of you. You grow up afraid, deeply afraid. And in your husband's case, he had only his mother after his father's death and even she failed him. His life was hell. It is said that men need to have sex to feel intimately loved. Women need to feel intimately loved to have sex. At the beginning of a relationship, the lines of demarkation are a bit fuzzy. But as the relationship progresses, they become more defined. As your marriage progressed and the emotional committment grew, it became more and more threatening to your husband. So he backed away more and more. It feels safer to him to have more control over how much he invests emotionally into the marriage. He prefers to "analyze". Yes, he loves you. But he doesn't trust you. That's not the bad news. The bad news is, he doesn't trust anyone. I'm not sure you could get him to admit to it because it sounds so ridiculous to say you don't trust your spouse. But on an emotional, intimate level, I would bet money on it. I know these things because I did it too. I did it through three marriages. It took me three marriages to realize the part I was playing in their failure. I am just now, at age 57, learning to trust and share true, intimate, emotional, vulnerable feelings with my husband of 10 years. He has known that I have been holding back for a long time. He would tell me and I would deny it. Suddenly one day, it became clear to me that he was right. It is so frightening to trust. But I am trying.
__________________
 Vickie
|
| Shangrala
|
|
#11
Dec 18, 2009, 06:45 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
To Vickie in Pheonix: Thank you for what you wrote. I cant explain it very well but it means a lot to me to hear 'the other side' (the side that identifies with my boyfriend) appreciate what I wrote. He, too, suffered from his father's alcoholism. But he denies that his father is an alcoholic. In fact, once when I said that he is, in front of my boyfriend and his brother, they both felt I crossed the line... I think there is denial and fear around that. My boyfriend himself used to drink a lot but recently realised he has an issue and stopped. His brother still drinks alot. I feel that his family has a negative influence on him and when he is away from them our relationship is better. Its so sad. But obviously, he cannot and should not cut his realtionship with them. When I say to him that he has a trust issue - I think he can see what I mean. But I think he is too scared sometimes to deal with it.
I come from a family where there is no alcoholism. My dad though is adicted to cigarettes. Its a bit different. So in the beginning it was hard for me to understand the issues. What I would like to know is - you said that "Suddenly one day, it became clear to me that he was right. It is so frightening to trust. But I am trying." - How did you suddenly one day realised this? I wish you well, and admire your strengh! |
|
#12
Dec 20, 2009, 02:35 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
__________________
Vickie
|
|
#13
Dec 22, 2009, 01:56 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I can totally relate to RoxanneMurphy. And I want to thank her because for a long time I was feeling the same and she just explained how I feel in my marriage. My husband had an average childhood, raising up with both parents but he went to jail for almost 6 months when he was 16 years old (physically and verbally has been abused there). I am just assuming it is because of that he blocks any kind of emotion and he never talks about emotion. And God that’s tough living with someone who has no emotional connection with you. I feel the same and I feel like my mental well-being is in danger. I love him and don’t want to give up on him, but I am getting to the point that I see no other solution except leaving him. Not being emotionally available, directly affected our sex life too. I believe when there is no emotional intimacy; sex would never be as good as it could be. Not only sex, communication is out of question as well. We have been to so many different family and individual therapies, but our relationship has not improved. Considering my age (32) and the fact that I want to have kids, I think my best option now is to leave him…I appreciate your comments.
|
|
#14
Dec 30, 2009, 08:09 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Just as a general statement which may or may not be correct in every single situation (I am sure there are exceptions), anytime you encounter an intimacy problem with a mate, there is almost always a trust issue involved. This issue usually has nothing to do with your relationship directly. It usually has to do with something that developed long before you ever met, even in childhood. It usually has to do with a relationship with a parent, a relative, a prior love relationship, and could possibly be due to abuse of some nature. It may be bigger than what you and your mate can tackle together, depending upon whether he or she is aware of/not in denial of it's existence and is willing to work on it. I can say this because I have been aware of this issue in my life for many, many years and when I thought that I had beaten it, I find that I have not even scratched the surface. It runs very, very deep. It is painful. And it is very frightening. It's going to take a lot of love and a lot of patience to conquer it.
__________________
Vickie
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
