[radio_flyer]

Ok.. To start off with I invited the "contractor" to have Christmas dinner with us because he had no other plans. I also told him if he wanted leftovers the following day he was welcome to them. All is cool, he helped himself.. no problem...

The young girl that is renting the other room and her boyfriend also had Christmas dinner with us. I told her she was welcome to the leftovers. Thinking that "SHE" would be the only one to eat the lleftovers. Well, she cleaned up the turkey with her boyfriend today. I baked a ham today and I don't know who she is feeding but half of the ham is gone. The deal was SHE could eat anything, not to feed the neighborhood.

Am I being selfish or cranky. I don't mind sharing. I do mind taking! Not only did she take a lot of ham she dug to the bottom to get the "best" larger pieces. I am kind of pissed. Like I said I told her "she" could eat which means food for HER. Not her boyfriend and whoever else she is feeding........*she usually has a few friends here too"...

Common sense would be only she'd only take for herself. Some folks just don't have common sense. I know for a fact if I rented a room and was invited to eat food I would NEVER take food to feed others.

I don't know ..grrrrrrumbling Give folks an inch they always take advantage. Is this the correct expression, give an inch they'd take a mile> Seems this happens all the time to me.

Her boyfriend lives up the street with his parents. It is not like he goes hungry or needs food.....If anyone was hungry I'd give them food.... That isn't the issue. Think it is just the "taking" that bothers me.....

Well I don't know what's reasonable or not. But how about separating out the portion of food you wish to share from that which you don't? i.e. This plate of ham is offered and the rest is not? Sometimes things just have to be spelled out very clearly in order for people to know what the limits or boundaries are.

[radio_flyer]

That is a good idea...It isn't that I mind sharing. ALthough it sort of looks that way. The idea is to share with the folks that live here...

Guess the ham irked me because I just cooked it earlier this afternoon for dinner this evening. Before we even had dinner half was gone. Typing this makes me feel selfish. And I am not selfish... Guess I wanted to have dinner "first", Did not know I was cooking for the tenants and the friends and whoever they feel like feeding...

I have always "shared/given food". I don't know why this is bothering me..... I think maybe because she took "firsts" and then later she grabbed a lot of ham in foil to take somewhere...... because there is no refrig upstairs.... and I can't think of a reason she'd put food wrapped in foil.......

Look at me... complaining about food..... shame on me..... ..... Guess first come first served........

There has to be another reason other than the food . This just can't be about food. It is not like me to be this way.........

[Rapunzel]

I understand you feeling taken advantage of. I can also understand her maybe not understanding that there was a boundary. She might easily have assumed that you were offering the food to anyone, not only to her specifically. But some people just don't know where to stop.

[Rapunzel]

Yes, I agree that it sounds like this is triggering something for you, more than just the food. Do you have any guesses what that might be?

[radio_flyer]

I am trying to think what it could be. Only little petty stuff surfaced. Must be something big for me to write all these posts about food. Is it food? Or maybe there it something about this girl is triggering me.?

Sure hope I figure it out. Because the more I think of it I know food is not the issue. I have "always" given or shared whatever food I had to "anyone" being friend or stranger....... This just is not me to be complaining about food.

You mentioned boundary....I never knew what boundaries were, that is until I was in my mid 40s. I always respected others boundaries. I guess I was never an "invasive" type person.. Bottom line is I never knew I had rights until my mid 40s. Learning to set boundaries isn't easy for me..

I confuse myself sometimes.. Stuff surfaces and I don't even know why? Tired of saying I am a basket case so I will continue to try to "figure out" things.......

[Epimetheus]

Well it sounds like you are a very giving/sharing person. I'm the same way and when I feel like somebody took advantage of my kindness, I get offended, but I also start noticing anyone and everyone who doesn't say please or thank you, or takes advantage of me in a miniscule way... I dunno, that is just me though.

[radio_flyer]

You may have touched on something here... She has never said please or thank you. It feels to me she just takes. And yes, it feels like she is taking advantage of me and yes, I feel offended.

Maybe the key is she is a taker and I am a giver. Usually this doesn't cause me any grief. But for some reason it is now. So the bottom line is it is not the food. This girl is triggering me big time.

Reminds me of the old saw again, "No good deed goes unpunished." If I understand correctly, she was told she could help herself to the turkey but the same offer was not made with regard to the ham. If that was the case, she presumed more than she was entitled to by helping herself to the ham.

[AAAAA]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I just think some people just don't have any manners. I'm used of a house full of kids, well they're all "adults" now.

My eldest son has a friend that I cringe when I feed him, particularly when I don't know he's coming. We freqently buy tenderloin and cut it up into steaks. Instead of eating this with sides like a meal, he'll take three or four pieces at a time and make a huge sandwich and come back for more. His lack of portion control is so out of hand that when he shows up, we fix something else for dinner.

I know this sounds very rude, but when you have a $40 cut of meat that should comfortably feed 12 big eaters and it will now only feed 8, there's a problem. We've always had the policy if it's here, you're welcome to it. As you said not everyone has common sense. There were several times when we'd prepare dinner and one of the kids wasn't home yet so I'd make him a plate, announce that this was for X, and it would be gone 20 minutes later when X came home.

There is something familiar to me about the way you accuse yourself of selfishness when all you are doing is trying to deal with someone who is truly selfish. Is it possible that you were raised (as I was, hence the familiar feeling) in an environment where your needs and wishes were made to seem wrong? Perhaps you were even accused of selfishness for ordinary acts of self-expression? Any time I expressed any discontent with the fact that my brother was treated better than me (which he was, he has acknowledged this himself) I was called a green-eyed monster, among other things. So I learned to shut up. But the feelings still existed, and hence I too can be triggered by people like your tenant...
Just a few thoughts..

[Rapunzel]

Try not to dismiss whatever comes up for you as little and petty. If it comes up, it has some meaning for you. It might not be literal. You have already figured out that it is about more than just food. Also, think back and see if you can identify other times that you had this same feeling. What was going on then? That might help you to identify more of where the feeling is coming from.

[Pomegranate]

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable at all. But your boarder sure sounds like she lacks manners and common sense. If you think it would help, I would have a short and simple talk with her about it.

If you don't thinking talking about it will help, just remember you've learned something about her. Keep that lesson in mind for future reference. Make sure you clearly state your meaning and intentions to her in the future. Consider it helping her to learn manners.

[Insignificant other]

Hi Radio_Flyer
... You've been taken advantage of by your generosity ... It's too bad that you are not appreciated with a simple "Thank you". Don't let the rudeness of some stop you from being the Angel you are. I too, feel as you do when taken advantage of ... the Good will out-balance the Bad.

[NuckingFutz]

You are right, it is not about the food. You have every right to be angry...maybe it is about anger. I take it healthy anger was not something you were taught how to express? You sound very kind and giving...like me and most people here. I am going to be really direct here... This girl and the contractor who stay safe under your roof... They both seem like users. Users learn how to size people like us up and then proceed to use us up. You are renting out rooms, you are not a door mat but a human being. Betcha if you checked out these people's backrounds, you would be concerned... Please be careful. And that ham incident, a small test perhaps to see how far she could go. Ball's in your court... Good luck.

[radio_flyer]

ripley-----Interesting what you wrote because I've been thinking was I raised or just born this way?....... I don't have vivid memories of how I was raised. But I do sense growing up my "wishes, needs or feelings" were never validated. I was only to always "obey", period... Being the last of four kids seems instead of being "spoiled" I was everyone's beating post...And to top that off mama really wasn't that thrilled with having "another baby"... Guess there was lots of tension in our household...and having another bundle of joy wasn't exactly in their plans......

So maybe it is both, I was raised to be compliant and born with passive genes? I do know to resist being compliant would end up being physically painful so being compliant may have been my means of "survival" in an unpredictable environment..

Am sorry your needs, feelings and wishes were not validated when you were growing up.........

[radio_flyer]

Rapunzel....still not sure why I flipped over the ham.. Maybe I am trying too hard to figure it out.. Maybe it will come to me when I let go...

Pomegranate.... Love your nic because I love Pomegranates... Funny story about my mum... She was visiting and she was trying to eat a pomegranate. She had never had any before so what she did was scrape out all the seeds and threw them away and put the shell on a plate. She asked me how do you eat this thing. Had to explain to her that she tossed away the part you eat and she laughed and we all laughed...

InsignificantOther.... I do think you are right as I feel she took "advantage" of me. But then I told her I did not eat ham and maybe she just thought since I didn't eat ham that it was pretty much up for grabs...... I like ham and eggs or potato and ham soup.. And not often because I don't like eating a lot of meat. Getting closer and closer to being a vegetarian in my older years..........

Nuckingfutz... think you are right as this having to do more with "anger" than the "food".. And no I was not taught "healthy anger". Not even sure if I was/am aloud to be angry.. I don't think she is a user. I think she just helped herself. Have had no problems with her whatsoever since she has moved in. Just think this may have been a misunderstanding.......She really is a sweet girl........ As for really understanding why I was so upset over the ham, I am still not sure the reason.. Anger, feeling like I was taken advantage of very well could be part of it.

As for the "contractor"... He is the one to keep an eye on. I don't trust him one bit.. Guess there isn't anything left in OUR garage for him to sell to pay his rent.. And AJ's dad is pretty unhappy about the situation with this "contractor"....... Soooooo is good I am not dealing with this as my son's dad is.... wipes brow..... Thinking he won't be living here much longer... He had the nerve to "hit" on the 22 year old female tenant.. He is 45 or 47.. Her boyfriend was not all that happy either....

Thanks everyone for helping me out on this. I was so confused and I did not understand why I was so upset........ Everyone has helped me a lot.... Thank you all so much...........

[Rapunzel]

If you are eating less meat and moving towards being more vegetarian, then I have another idea on why this bothered you so much. When I was transitioning towards vegetarianism, I still cooked meat but was trying to keep it used as sparingly as possible. I would take a pound (or more) of hamburger and cook it with potatoes and carrots and celery and freeze it in several small freezer bags so that if someone wanted hamburger in something they could add a little and think they were getting more, but would also get their vegetables. Once I had cooked up some of that mixture and hadn't packaged it all up yet so it was still in pans on the stove, and someone came by and ended up staying for dinner, and I put some of the hamburger mixture in some pasta and served it for dinner, and she helped herself to about half of the meat in the pan too. It bothered me, because that wasn't what I had intended, and defeated the purpose I was going for. I didn't say anything, but it did irritate me.

I wonder if it might bother you (like it did/does me) when people consume large quantities of meat unnecessarily without thinking about it. Especially when it is in your home. I'm not judging this as good or bad, but wondering if it is something you can relate to, or that might be underlying your irritation.

[radio_flyer]

Hi Rapunzel....... ummmmm You may have touched on something here. As you said you cooked ground beef with potatoes and carrots and freeze it to add to "future" meals for folks that wanted meat and somebody goes and eats half of the mixture, I'd be upset too.........

I can relate to what you wrote because I had plans for that ham.... I wanted to make ham and beans or ham and potato soup, maybe freeze a bit to cook for breakfast with eggs... And bang it was gone before I could blink an eye....Heck it was half gone before we even had dinner....I think I understand now what all my "fuss" was about... I intended to make several meals from the ham, not just one..... and I do enjoy ham and mustard sandwiches .. AM pretty sure this is why I was so irked....

It doesn't bother me that "folks" eat large quantities of meat in one meal. Most folks that I know are eager meat eaters being they love lots of meat. Whereas I won't even touch a steak. let alone beef/pork ribs... I won't pass up a hamburger tho.. esp with cheese....I do prefer chicken, turkey and fish.......

I am thinking I was upset because for one, it is rude to take half of someones food. And to take it as fast as I was cutting it from the bone is not too cool either.. Plus the amount that was taken did not leave me anything left for beans n ham or even ham and potato soup....I think it was how it was done and when... (but then a side of me says that she feels so comfy here like home and felt it was ok just to dig in) which means she likes it here and feels welcomed?.........

So many little things build up... sometimes it is the little things that causes one to snap....and I snapped.... Just glad I wrote it here instead of snapping at the young girl..... I am just glad I wrote it here to get a better understanding of why I was upset... Which means writing here has helped me a lot. Lots of great input from the folks here at PC helped me...... Also glad I did not snap at the young girl.. wipes brow

[Yoda]

I agree it isn't about the food it is about good manners.

I had a sort of similar situation a few years ago. I went to visit my dad in DC and a friend of mine volunteered to house sit and feed my animals and I would pay him. I told him to eat whatever he wanted from the fridge/freezer. I meant whatever he would like to eat "while he was at my house" not however much he could pack away to take home with him.

I was gone four days and when I returned at least ten steaks were gone from my freezer. And half my firewood was gone. If he had asked I would have given him firewood but it upset me that he just took the wood and steaks. It wasn't the steaks or the firewood per se but just that I felt used.