[aimeesh]

so we do this sort of thing on another forum... i don't know if you guys do it... makes it easier to keep track of things if you like to follow the story, etc. And that way i dont have to explain EVERYTHING for each post i make. if it's already explained then it's in the same post so whatever....

ANYWAY

I have a Boyfriend. We have a son together. We BOTH have psychological issues, both trying to get help for them.

This will be my thread for whenever I have something to say about my boyfriend and I

Good luck to all three of you.

[aimeesh]

so BF's mom is coming over today. this morning. like any minute. I actually love these days because his mom gets his butt up for the day! lol. i can never get him to wakeup with his GF and son because "he's tired and unlike me, HE has a job to go to" .....well guess what now i DO have a job, will the circumstances change? unlikely if say nothing.... and if i say something he'll get angry about it. i think he has anger management tonight again, #2?
Anyway I've been the one getting up since 6 am, then finally 7am, and now miraculously 9am every day for over 10 months. i haven't slept in past his waking time since before he was born. Im glad i slept a LOT when he was in my tummy!!!

i dont know how to ask for BF to take 50% responsibility after i get a job without it upsetting him. his excuse was ALWAYS that he had to work. He doesnt even work full time, it's part-time. So it was always kind of insulting. I'm REALLY F-ING TIRED all the time but i dont attack him about it. i just ask for help and our day is ruined because he gets mad, and then i get depressed, and we stay like that all day.

BUT if i let him sleep in until noon, he's maybe okay, if he feels like it. i know now that he plays "sick" because he's sick WAY too ****ing often and it's always something that doesnt cause a fever, just enough so that he doesnt have to do ****.

things are gonna change when i start working and if he tries to get alldefensive and angry.... im gonna get PISSED. because i'll be working now so that should mean im finally EQUAL.... im sick of him pointing out that im the unemployed one.

[perpetuallysad]

Ug, I can feel your frustration with the situation. It must be harder to have a mate whom also has mental health problems. Regardless of whether you work or not he really should help with your son. Apparently he doesn't realize how hard it is to deal with a baby all day. Maybe you could find something that will take you out of the house for a good bit one day and let him take the full force of caring for the baby. This may make him realize its not like you're sitting around eating bon-bons all day.

I hope things get better for you.

[aimeesh]

today went horrible. i had to go to both work and school for the first time on the same day and he got all angry that i was being such a f-ing burden and needed a ride.

im having a horrible horrible day and i just want it to end now. forever

[perpetuallysad]

((((aimeesh)))) I'm sorry you had a bad day. I'm proud of you for working and going to school; that's a good accomplishment! I'm sorry your mate is being an *** though. Needing a ride doesn't make you a burden. Are you lucky enough to live in a city with public transportation (I don't ) or do you have a friend or co-worker you could share gas money with who could help you out?
I know you're having a bad day, but something will change, and hopefully for the better.

[aimeesh]

acyually MY car is in the shop....long story. LONG story. lol.... but as soon as i get MY car back it wont be a big deal anymore because i'll drive my ******* self.

i need someone willing ot teach me to drive a stick shift!

[perpetuallysad]

I could teach you, but it probably wouldn't make much sense over the internet like this. Hehe

[aimeesh]

So I was listening to the two radio talk hosts talking and all of a sudden they brought up postpartum depression. one guy was all educational about it and the other was cracking jokes at the subject, calling people like ME "raving lunatic *****"(es). It wouldn't have hurt so bad except BF TURNED IT UP AND LAUGHED AT THE JOKES. He knows what I'm going through and he knew he was laughing at jokes made about people like me when he knows how bad im hurting.

im not doing okay at ALL right now.

[perpetuallysad]

Ug, sounds like he's being an ***. I went through REALLY, REALLY bad postpartum depression, so I really feel for you aimee. I am sorry he's being so freaking inconsiderate.

[aimeesh]

i went to be at midnight knowing i have to wake at 7am.... i usually stay up later with him because he always works till like 11pm but tonight i didnt i was too tired and he got off at 2pm today... so i went to bed. he comes in, turns the lgihts on, does things super loud and i ask him whats going on.... he of course has been drinking, he says stuff about me turning into a ***** ever since we moved back to my "mommy and daddy's house" and how now i dont need him so he's done dealing with me, he's tired of my depression.... he called me a dumb *****. he said "the problem is i am SMART, and you are NOT" and accused me of cheating on him over the internet. I've started coming on here, thats the only thing im doing. Just trying to egt support. He said something like "oh, you found some loser online who wants to hear your dumb problems and be supportive?" and i replied with "yeah i found a GROUP of people who i can talk to because every time i try to talk to YOU, you tell me that im bringing you down and ruining your day!"

he's always talking about leaving me, how im too much to handle, how he's tired of me...

im finally ready to be single and sad.... because right now the pain of his insults and mockery are worse than the pain of being lonely. I already am lonely. incredibly.

tomorrow he'll either still be all angry and serious and start packing... or he'll say he doesnt even remember it happening (the alcohol as an excuse) or he'll say he's sorry and he didnt mean it and expect me to forgive him immediately as usual.

he's called me every name in the book, used all of my deepest secrets and sad memories to purposely try and hurt me, he used that fragile information to cause me the most pain. he makes fun of my ED, he makes FUn of anything that HURTS ME when he's angry because he knows he can hurt me easily.

i asked him tonight if he enjoys hurting me, if he enjoys seeing me cry, if he enjoys saying really mean things to me and he looked at me like i was crazy.

im tired of someone telling me they love me and hate me in the same day.

i hate myself. no one will ever love me. i am broken. i am useless and worthless as a GF. no one will ever love me, or ever care for me. i will be alone and sad forever.

even the BF told me no one will ever love me. that i am below him and not worth his time.

i think im okay with that now, actually.

[perpetuallysad]

Its not YOUR fault that he's such an *** hole. I really don't want to be the one who says it, but you would be a million times better off without a piece of poo like that in your life. I left my son's father when my son was about 18 months old because I realized I didn't want my son to grow up like his father. It was the best decision I ever made. I was lonely as hell for 3 years. We lived off of ramen noodles and grilled cheeses. BUT I finished college and found my now husband. He treats me like a princess. My ex convinced me that I was a weird, useless piece of **** and sort of made me feel like he's the best thing I could have ever gotten, its like I forgot how to be a person with him. Mind you, this whole time I'm going through SEVERE postpartum depression and he just MAKES FUN OF ME. He would laugh at me when I cried, god it was awful.

My point is that a man cannot be the thing you define your life by. You say you should just let him go and be sad, but you don't seem very happy right now anyway. Maybe you would feel BETTER if he was gone. Imagine how much better you will feel when you don't have someone putting you down all of the time. You are worth more than this and you son deserves to grow up with a happy mommy.

(((aimee)))

[matt c]

Hi Aimeesh –

I will try to resist criticising your boyfriends behaviour too much ONLY because I fear it might lead you to defend him,

But what I will say is that if he really cared for you, he would support you in everything you do – He’d be happy for you in your new job, your college course, your artwork and in getting that t-shirt design commission. He’d recognise you for the talented woman you are, and for the caring mother you are as well…….and he’d THANK HIS LUCKY STARS that he’s with you, rather than belittling you, hurting you in ways he knows how to best, and making you feel like **** just because he’s so inadequate and immature that that is what he needs to do to feel superior…..oh, sorry – Id said I’d try not to criticise…

These should be wonderful times for you Aimeesh what with some of the good things that have started happening for you lately….How much better would life be like if you didn’t have someone spoiling it all and trying to drag you down all the time?

You are equal to anyone

Hold onto what’s going well for you,

Matt C

[Shangrala]

Sounds to me that (IF you allow), this man will drag you down so low to the point that you won't even want to get back up despite the love for your child or for self.

I've been there, done that. I realized that the longer one postpones the inevitable, (leaving the abuse), the harder one only makes it on ones self and the child, as psychological abuse is one of the hardest things to overcome....IF ever completely successful.

You are not only obligated to your child but to your own self to remove you both from his never ending abuse. It will only escalate and he will become increasingly more abusive.
The first sign of him noticing that you seek improvement of self, he will undoubtedly attack that with all he has by removing that from you to maintain his sense of control over you. He is obviously threatened by your progress.
This man is weak, mean and selfish. And you and your child do NOT deserve that.

Please, don't ever view yourself at fault...for whatever the reason. This is a tactic he will embed into your thinking (among all the other strategies he applies to his behavior), so that you remain out of guilt, as well as all the other emotions he brainwashes you into believing.
You have done nothing wrong to deserve his abuse. The ONLY thing you are guilty for is loving this person.
I wish the best for you and your child. I can only hope that you do remove yourself from his psychological grasp and make better for you and your child.

I apologize for my bluntness, and realize that not ALL circumstances are such as mine was..but from what you've offered so far, the odds are great that yours IS quite similar.

Take good care.

Shangrala